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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or was this another dig at me?

82 replies

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:16

Long story short, I'm not that close to my mum. We don't have any real issues but we're not close, we're too different and since I was young I've never really got on with her.

She seems to think we should have the same relationship that some of her friends have with their daughters where they phone each other all the time and go out for afternoon tea. I'm lucky if I see her once a month which suits me fine. Don't get me wrong, if she asked me for anything I'd help her as while we don't get on, she's done a lot for me and still does by taking care of my dd a couple of days a week.

On Sunday I took her out for her birthday lunch. While we were driving to the restaurant she started talking about my cousin who'd visited me the previous weekend - I hadn't told my mum about this visit - not because I didn't want her to know but because I didnt think it was important and I hadn't spoken to her since it happened. She'd been speaking to my aunt (cousins mum) who was apparently amazed that my mum didnt' know about this. My mum claimed this was because "her (my aunts) daughters phone her all the time" and that my aunt probably just assumed because her daughter had told her that I'd have told my mum.

I know that sounds like nothing but the way she worded it felt like a dig at me and I did blow up a bit about it.

"Your aunt just thought that because x & y talk to her all the time that you would do the same!"
I'd like to point out, she never phones me - I think she forgets it's a 2 way thing. She did repeatedly claim she wasn't having a go at me.

During lunch however she was talking to my 2 year old dd and said a few times "don't you grow up to be like your mother". WTF - I'm sitting right there, taking her out for lunch having sent her some lovely flowers on her birthday and given her money for her holiday and she's still having a go!

Apparently she doesn't want dd to not want to visit her as she get older - she's constantly asking dd to tell her she loves her and seems to crave attention.

AIBU or was this another passive agressive dig at me for not being the daughter she's always dreamed of?

OP posts:

Lelloteddy · 07/02/2017 22:17

How much do you pay her for childcare?

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:22

Why is that relevant?

OP posts:

knackeredinyorkshire · 07/02/2017 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Letseatgrandma · 07/02/2017 22:25

She looks after your daughter for TWO DAYS a week yet you only see her once a month?!

That's an astonishing amount of childcare from someone you don't get on with!!

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:29

I don't want anything else from her. Honestly, other than helping with childcare (which she explicity asked to do as it keeps her busy - I could afford to pay for child care) there is nothing I need from her. I've never found her to be a good shoulder to cry on, I don't value her advice, I don't crave her affection - when she does hug me it is so awkward. I had a much better relationship with my dad but sadly he passed away.

That probably makes me sound horrid but I grew up with a mother who cared more about what other people thought than what her kids needed.

Like the time I told her my uncle had abused me as a child and she asked me not to tell anyone - is it any wonder I don't want to be her best friend!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2017 22:31

Yes it sounds like a dig.

How can you only see someone once a month if they care for your child twice a week?

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/02/2017 22:31

If she's so awful, why do you leave her alone with your child?

claraschu · 07/02/2017 22:32

If you like her enough to let her take care of your daughter, then maybe you can make a bit more effort to be affectionate to her. Also, you can remind her that she can always call you...

claraschu · 07/02/2017 22:33

sorry x post didn't know she was ignoring abuse .

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:35

In terms of the logistics - she doesn't stay near my but is close to DH's work so he drops her off and picks her up.

I will drop her off once, sometimes twice a month. I work full time and weekends are packed with toddler classes, ballet classes etc so we don't have a lot of time to go visiting (and she can't drive to visit us).

HJG - I didn't say she was awful. She's not my cup of tea, I'm not close to her but I don't have concerns about her ability to care for my daughter. It however wouldn't surprise me if my daughter, as she gets older decided she didn't want to spend as much time with her. That said, if she does want to spend time with her grandma she can - I'm not going to let my poor relationship with her affect her relationship with her granddaughter -that would be petty.

OP posts:

Lumpylumperson · 07/02/2017 22:35

I feel quite sorry for her really. You sound cold towards her.

Imagine your DD growing up to find you good enough for presumably free childcare but only if everything is in her terms and she keeps you at arms length.

Ellapaella · 07/02/2017 22:36

She asked you to cover up child abuse and not all anyone that your uncle abused you and yet you let her look after your DD two days a week? It certainly all sounds very messed up. I can see why you don't feel very warm towards her but it might be better to clear the air and all her why you feel the way you do. And if it were me I would be making alternative child care arrangements - it would be best not to be beholden to her for anything.

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:37

Clara - no problem. I know now that she suspected I was being abused. Apparently she asked me about it when I was very young and I said I wasn't being abused (well not quite that but you know what I mean). When I did tell her one day she said please don't tell anyone, it would kill your dad. Also my uncle is now my aunt's carer so it would cause all sorts of wider spread issues.

If my daughter told me she was being abused I'd bloody murder the person responsible - my mum has a different view apparently.

OP posts:

WonkoTheSane42 · 07/02/2017 22:38

Talk about a drip feed.

knackeredinyorkshire · 07/02/2017 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 07/02/2017 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:41

Ella - as I said in a previous post, I don't in anyway feel she is a threat to my daughter - she looks after her brilliantly - as is often the case, grandparents are much more tolerant of their grandchildren than their own kids.

I don't feel beholden to her - it's actually almost the other way around. It would emotionally break her if she didn't get to spend those 2 days with my dd - my dad passed away just after dd was born and she often talks about how dd is her reason for going on and that she counts down the days til she can look after her.

OP posts:

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:41

Knackered - yes my mum does still see him, as do I on occassion. Lucky he's at work when dd is around.

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 07/02/2017 22:42

How old is your daughter?
Is your mum still in contact with your abuser?
If so is your daughter at risk from an abuser?

Maybe op, as an abused child your boundaries, emotions and feelings are different to others?
People say you sound cold but maybe that's protection for you?
I would perhaps consider putting your daughter in child care rather than leaving her with your mum .

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:43

Wonko - not my intention to drip feed, just a bit of context given some of the initial comments.

In truth, I can't pinpoint where my dislike for my mum comes from, the abuse is one element but I remember disliking her way before that all came to light.

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 07/02/2017 22:43

Cross posts.
You and your daughter are not responsible for your mothers emoional well being.

Lelloteddy · 07/02/2017 22:43

So you leave your child in the care of someone who has covered up and condoned child abuse? Knowing that she still has contact with your abuser?

Seriously?

knackeredinyorkshire · 07/02/2017 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2017 22:47

If my daughter told me she was being abused I'd bloody murder the person responsible - my mum has a different view apparently.

And yet you allow your Mum to care for your daughter twice a week?

Sorry but that's fucked up.

5OBalesofHay · 07/02/2017 22:47

This is not a dig. You do need to rethink your mum having care of your dd given that she failed to protect you, covered up the abuse and still seed the perpetrator. Do you trust her safeguarding awareness?

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