Or was this another dig at me?

[kitkat321]

Long story short, I'm not that close to my mum. We don't have any real issues but we're not close, we're too different and since I was young I've never really got on with her.

She seems to think we should have the same relationship that some of her friends have with their daughters where they phone each other all the time and go out for afternoon tea. I'm lucky if I see her once a month which suits me fine. Don't get me wrong, if she asked me for anything I'd help her as while we don't get on, she's done a lot for me and still does by taking care of my dd a couple of days a week.

On Sunday I took her out for her birthday lunch. While we were driving to the restaurant she started talking about my cousin who'd visited me the previous weekend - I hadn't told my mum about this visit - not because I didn't want her to know but because I didnt think it was important and I hadn't spoken to her since it happened. She'd been speaking to my aunt (cousins mum) who was apparently amazed that my mum didnt' know about this. My mum claimed this was because "her (my aunts) daughters phone her all the time" and that my aunt probably just assumed because her daughter had told her that I'd have told my mum.

I know that sounds like nothing but the way she worded it felt like a dig at me and I did blow up a bit about it.

"Your aunt just thought that because x & y talk to her all the time that you would do the same!"
I'd like to point out, she never phones me - I think she forgets it's a 2 way thing. She did repeatedly claim she wasn't having a go at me.

During lunch however she was talking to my 2 year old dd and said a few times "don't you grow up to be like your mother". WTF - I'm sitting right there, taking her out for lunch having sent her some lovely flowers on her birthday and given her money for her holiday and she's still having a go!

Apparently she doesn't want dd to not want to visit her as she get older - she's constantly asking dd to tell her she loves her and seems to crave attention.

AIBU or was this another passive agressive dig at me for not being the daughter she's always dreamed of?

Not helpful moonboogie

I'm sorry op but my FIL is a paedophile and my MIL stuck by him. Never in a month of fucking Sunday's will either of the horrible pair EVER be around my kids ever again. Had MIL not stuck by him she would be in our lives. How the fuck can you allow your mother to look after your child while you know she still associates a man that abused you

Kitkat love you were a child.
You weren't in the wrong and to some degree you still aren't. Not reporting it doesn't mean you were complicit in the abuse however your mother was a grown ass woman who dug her head in the sand and ignored the abuse of her child.
The fact remains, you cannot absolutely guarantee your child's safety with your mother.
Your mum sounds awful and if you were to have nothing to do with her I'm sure no one would blame you.
And yes this thread has gone of topic but it's because we are (I am) concerned for the welfare of your daughter.

lumpylumperson maybe of you disclosed childhood abode to someone and they asked you to shut up about it, you might seem a bit cold towards them too

OP it's not necessarily that particular person that's the issue. It's more your mum's lack of awareness and concern about safeguarding. Ask yourself, if she was an unrelated childminder and you knew this about her would you use her?

Abuse not abode.,....

If said uncle is your mothers carer then GET YOUR CHILD OUT OF THAT FING HOUSE. I understand feeling cold towards your mother, i felt the same towards my grandmother, but there is someone who abused you having regular access to your mothers house where she cares for your child ???????????

The uncle is her aunt's carer. Not her mother's.

Edgeofseventeen.
The uncle isn't her mothers carer, he is a carer for one of her aunts, he also does not care for said aunt at the mothers house.
As you were.

I'd also like to point out, in my mum's defense, she doesnt' seek out the company of this person. But he is married to her sister who due to a stroke many years ago is unable to care for herself. It would be difficult for her to avoid him completely with no explaination and regardless of what he did, my aunt is 100% dependant on him - I don't know what would happen if she didn't have him and would not want to see her suffer - she's not complicite in any of this.

I know I seem to be making excuses but not everything is black and white and it's fine for people outwith the situation to comment on what I should do - it can be very different when it's your life.

Your Mother covered up your abuse and you allow her to look after your child.

Why ?? I'd not let her near my your precious child when she clearly didn't look after you like you were her precious child and stand up for you.

You need to resolve this with her and its not with childcare, its like you are Ok with her not listening to you. Tell her.

What does your DH think about it all?

Fishface - at the time she didn't ignore it, so got another family member to speak to me and ask if anything inappropriate had happened - apparently I got embrassed and said no. I can see it being a difficult situation when you have no real evidence other than a feeling and a child that denies anything happened. As mentioned before, I didn't report it to her until many years later and have absolutely no recollection of being asked about it as a child.

Sorry op
You can't have it all. Your grievances are genuine but you are still using her for child care properly.
It's your fault.

Kitkat I am so sorry. "Like the time I told her my uncle had abused me as a child and she asked me not to tell anyone - is it any wonder I don't want to be her best friend!"

This is something massive in your life and clearly influences your relationship to this day with your mum.

I was genuinely surprised that her 'dig' has bothered you so much but in light of what else she has put you through I can now see why.

"yes my mum does still see him, as do I on occassion. Lucky he's at work when dd is around."

I am afraid I think you are very foolish to allow your mum unsupervised access to your child knowing she is in contact with a man who abused you and knowing she did not take your abuse seriously.

You say of your mum, "It would emotionally break her".

Your duty of care is first and foremost to your daughter, (a child) not to your mum (an adult).

Please get some counselling, you really do need it.

Kitkat It's not just about your Uncle though,if your Mum suspected your Uncle but did nothing to keep him away from her DD what makes you think that she'd keep your DD away from someone she was worried about or would even tell you her worries?

If you can afford child care start paying for it,don't take a risk with your DD in this way,take it from someone who suffered awful abuse because my Mum wasn't looking out for me!

If your Mum wants to see your DD then get her to visit your home or you visit your Mum's house with your DD.I would never leave your DD alone at her Nan's house again.When it comes to the safety of our children it's always better to be safe than sorry.
God forbid anything would ever happen to your DD but if it did you could never take it back.

Sorry I had only read your first post.
I take my words back.
First, I am so sorry it happened.
Second, I can see how your mum doesn't want to make the life of her sister even more difficult.
Please try and be more gentle with her if it's possible for you. Easier said than done I know.
she is giving you a big favour already and I do t think she is entirely wrong in not confronting that man.
Sorry it's such a difficult situation. Can you opt for counselling for yourself? It might help a bit?

Kitkat it just sounds worse and worse she got someone else to ask you if you'd been abused by your Uncle?!

I'm not surprised you didn't tell them what was happening,your Mum should have been the one that asked you not another family member!

OP your GP can refer you for counselling

Thanks for all the comments.

I think counselling is something I should consider - I was also badly bullied as a child and that has had an ongoing impact on my life - although I feel bad for complaining about this - I have a lovely family, a good job and I don't want to waste anyones time or make more of my issues than I need to.

I'll have a look into it - I have no idea where to start though. Is it via a GP? Or do you find a private practicioner?

kit I get you. I have a similar relationship with my family, albeit my relationship with DM has improved as I've aged because we we're too alike. We work well and often as a team because of distance.

Though my wider family expect me to talk to DM every day too - even DF feels I should - but everyone forgets its two way. In fact more recently I've realised my DM is as happy with our relationship as I am, and that I actually serve her a massive function as a sounding board that she can't have with everyone else so local and not seeing things the way she does.

Your issue seems to be that your DM wants more than you're willing to give. You may not be wrong in that, or you may be holding back for a reason. You seem to hold absolutely right resentment over the abuse issue which is where this is being derailed. Yet at the same time its also possibly why you are at a juncture. Not because of the disclosure but possibly because of why you never told her previously. Counselling may help there at least.

Try to google your area and IAPT. Most places now do self referrals. If they feel you need further help they'll refer you back to a GP with advice on where to be pointed towards. If your area doesn't have IAPT then your GP is a good place to start.

I'm sorry you were abused and that your mum asked you to cover it up.

This is one of those situations where things need to go one way or the other really, rather than being a bit of a fudge.

A lot of people would understand, given the circumstances, if you were NC with your mum, or very arms length. The hurt you felt over the abuse would easily justify that. The hurt you feel over that probably underlies your need to keep your distance from her. But from that perspective it is puzzling that you feel she is a safe career for your child.

A lot of people would also understand if you wanted to repair your relationship with your mum, maybe do something like family therapy, in order to enable you to be closer. So you could genuinely speak more on the phone, see one another more, have her care for your child. In this case there would need to be an absolute boundary on continued contact with the person who abused you. And it would also be predicated on your mother being able to reflect on her actions, see them as harmful and apologise to you and make amends.

But it's difficult to understand it being a bit of each of those , particularly where your child's safety is concerned.

"she didn't know how to cope with it and rather than protecting her child stuck her head in the sand - you could argue that I did the same having never reported it etc."

YOU WERE A CHILD! You were not responsible for this.

civilfawlty "Your strategy seems reasonable." Have you read the thread?

moonboogie how you read the thread too? Seriously you don' sound like you have.

ghostspirit I would not blame any person who suffered abuse as a child and felt the need to cover it up or stick their head in the sand,they are are a child, or were a child when the abuse happened. They are not responsible. This is not the same as an adult putting their head in the sand.

NOW the OP is an adult and is putting her head in the sand and saying there is no risk, but I would say she cannot be sure of this and her actions are very irresponsible.

LaContessaDiPlump "shamefully, a bit relieved" Please, please do not feel shame for feeling relief that someone who made you suffer is dead. The fact that she biologically gave birth to you (assuming she is your birth mum) and that she managed to care for you some of the time does not make up for the fact she failed you and was abusive.

Kitkat "I've considered counselling but I'm not sure where to start - I don't want to cause any fuss and while I'm sure this is common with child abuse at a younger age, I sometimes wonder if I imagined it, made it up or just misinterpreted things. I think if it was serious abuse (I'm not saying abuse isn't serious but there are degrees) I'd be more confident in reporting it but the incidents I can remember are all a bit borderline and could easily be challenged - does that make any sense?"

I think counselling could help you understand what really did happen to you and how to process it now. I really feel you owe it to your daughter to straighten this out in your own mind.

I've got an eating disorder and for the last 6 years I've read up, had counselling and tried many things to work out why I have this because I really do not want to pass it on to my kids. I know you cannot 'pass abuse on' but you clearly have some confused ideas about parenting IMHO and counselling might help you to get this clear at least for you.

Just for the record the fact your mum asked you if there was abuse, and the fact she asked you later to keep quiet, do not sound like you made it up.

I have no idea what you really experienced. What I can see is your experiences have damaged a part of you and counselling may help.

Op you won't be wasting anyone's time. Like italian said you owe it your daughter and hopefully you'll gain some clarity

Kitkat you were abused by your uncle, badly bullied at school, not believed about the abuse and asked to keep quiet about it. Your mum makes digs at you and you are still expected to see your abuser at family events.

Yet you still feel you may not be worthy or sympathy for this or of cousnellig. That you are somehow not deserving of care? This attitude that comes across clearly is because of the abuse you suffered. You need to get counselling and also some sort of assertiveness training. *Please speak to your GP, first. If you do not get what you need from your GP, please go back until you get a referal for counselling and then just be honest.

I honestly, truly think you are very foolish to allow your mum to care for your child.

You need to get child care for her separate from your mum so you can work on your mum's relationship with you and vice versa (if you wish) without having this relationship between her and your dd unsupervised.

If your mum argues or is unpleasant, so be it. You can tell her the truth or you can simply say now dd is two she needs a different environment, an educational one etc etc.

Your mum is not safe to look after your dd, she has proved this.

Your own comments here about yourself (the way you want to put everyone else's needs above those of yourself and your dd) prove to me you are not really able to make wise judgments in this, IMHO. You really need the counselling and I believe you need to know, and be able to prove your dd is safe and that you have put her first.

KitKat - you are important, you matter and we believe you. This is cheesy, but I like it:-

You are a child if the universe, no less than the trees and the stars (Desiderata)