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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or was this another dig at me?

82 replies

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:16

Long story short, I'm not that close to my mum. We don't have any real issues but we're not close, we're too different and since I was young I've never really got on with her.

She seems to think we should have the same relationship that some of her friends have with their daughters where they phone each other all the time and go out for afternoon tea. I'm lucky if I see her once a month which suits me fine. Don't get me wrong, if she asked me for anything I'd help her as while we don't get on, she's done a lot for me and still does by taking care of my dd a couple of days a week.

On Sunday I took her out for her birthday lunch. While we were driving to the restaurant she started talking about my cousin who'd visited me the previous weekend - I hadn't told my mum about this visit - not because I didn't want her to know but because I didnt think it was important and I hadn't spoken to her since it happened. She'd been speaking to my aunt (cousins mum) who was apparently amazed that my mum didnt' know about this. My mum claimed this was because "her (my aunts) daughters phone her all the time" and that my aunt probably just assumed because her daughter had told her that I'd have told my mum.

I know that sounds like nothing but the way she worded it felt like a dig at me and I did blow up a bit about it.

"Your aunt just thought that because x & y talk to her all the time that you would do the same!"
I'd like to point out, she never phones me - I think she forgets it's a 2 way thing. She did repeatedly claim she wasn't having a go at me.

During lunch however she was talking to my 2 year old dd and said a few times "don't you grow up to be like your mother". WTF - I'm sitting right there, taking her out for lunch having sent her some lovely flowers on her birthday and given her money for her holiday and she's still having a go!

Apparently she doesn't want dd to not want to visit her as she get older - she's constantly asking dd to tell her she loves her and seems to crave attention.

AIBU or was this another passive agressive dig at me for not being the daughter she's always dreamed of?

OP posts:

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:47

I don't really spend time with the person who abused me - I see them a few times a year at large family gatherings. I don't speak to them if I can avoid it and dd is no where near them.

I don't believe my mother condoned the abuse or intentionally covered it up - she didn't know how to cope with it and rather than protecting her child stuck her head in the sand - you could argue that I did the same having never reported it etc.

OP posts:

user892 · 07/02/2017 22:49

It's not in any way normal to have contact with someone who covered up abuse. You are probably mentally protecting yourself from her, as she hurt you by not standing up for you. You can't guarantee your uncle won't randomly call by either.

GarrulousGrimoire · 07/02/2017 22:49

Id be seriously concerned that he could visit while your DD is there aren't you? You say you rarely do drop off and pick up so how do you know she is safe??

NC1nightstand · 07/02/2017 22:50

I think she's hurt you very badly when you were younger by not believing you and yet you've chosen not to go NC where lots of people would. You still see her and by your own admission you let her take care of your dd twice a wk when you could afford alternative childcare.
She makes little digs and even though they shouldn't they bother you, hurt your feelings enough to start a thread to which you receive -imo- some snippy replies.
I don't think this will change at all except for the worse - more comments, your dd being more influenced by her and your dm becoming more clingy rather than less as time goes on. But you could change. You could decide that things are ok as they are but you are no longer going to allow her digs to hurt you. You could decide to try and talk with her and maybe suggest that you both go to counselling so someone can act as a mediator between you. Or you could go alone and maybe find a way to forgive her. Or you could decide that you can't get past it and you no longer want to see her.
Whatever you choose will be ok.

user892 · 07/02/2017 22:50

she didn't know how to cope with it and rather than protecting her child stuck her head in the sand

That doesn't make it right. She could have sought help.

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:51

I think perhaps the fact that I didn't tell my mum about the abuse until I was much older i.e. it happened when I was in primary school and I didn't disclose it until I was in my late 20's perhaps influenced my mum's reaction as there is no immediate threat to me.

Believe me I'm not trying to justify her actions just to explain her reaction.

OP posts:

civilfawlty · 07/02/2017 22:51

Honestly OP, ignore the sniping posters. If you'd posted saying you didn't like her Mum and chose paid childcare rather than her to look after your LO, they'd be griping at that. You don't seem unreasonable. You aren't stopping her from seeing your child. She wants to see your child. Your strategy seems reasonable.

user892 · 07/02/2017 22:52

Is she trying to make up for it with your DD?

5OBalesofHay · 07/02/2017 22:52

You said she asked you if it was happening which means she suspected strongly that it was and failed to act. That is not safe for your dd unless you are certain she's seen the light

glitterazi · 07/02/2017 22:52

You leave your dd with someone you say wanted you to not mention your abuse to anyone as was worried about what other people would think?
That's all kinds of messed up. How can you trust her if that's the case? You say your mum was talking to your aunt and she was saying how much her kids stayed in touch. Presumably that's the same aunt who's with the uncle who you say abused? Apologies if not.
If so, why on earth would you leave your dd with your mum if she's still in contact with them? I'd be thinking "how can I be sure she won't go round for lunch there with dd when she's looking after her for the day?!"

user892 · 07/02/2017 22:53

How old are you now?

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 22:58

I'm in my mid 30's.

I know that the relative in question isn't around when DD is at my mums and I know exactly who is around her when she is at my mums (this includes another aunt who had some inappropriate experiences with said uncle (she's much younger than my mums other siblings). She hates said uncle.

If I even suspected he was around dd wouldn't be there but he doesnt' stay nearby and is therefore very unlikely to pop by.

OP posts:

ghostspirit · 07/02/2017 23:00

Op I have been in a simlar situation regarding abuse. I do forgive what happend to me and I have been in contact with my abuser and my.mum although not for many years. My mum is very close to him but very cold towards me. Which is kind of sad. As much as I forgive them for what happend I would never ever trust them round my kids.. they can't protect then self's.

Lynnm63 · 07/02/2017 23:01

Are you sure he's at work when dd is with your mum? How can you actually be sure? Unless he works in a different country what's to stop him popping in for lunch? I'm sorry but my dd wouldn't be anywhere near someone who had contact with someone who'd abused me when I wasn't there, ever.

user892 · 07/02/2017 23:02

So you only discussed the abuse more fully with her 6 / 7 / 8 years ago-ish? And she suspected things when you were younger...

Why hasn't anyone approached the police more recently? This must be like a massive elephant in the room and I would struggle to find intimate warm feelings for my mother too. I'd feel somewhat betrayed and unloved.

ghostspirit · 07/02/2017 23:02

I 100% get that

FannyFacial · 07/02/2017 23:05

Goodness OP sorry that this has happened to you. But your boundaries seem skewed and I really think you ought to speak to someone professional about the abuse.The fact that you are still exposed to your abuser is very messed up. No wonder you don't have a perfect relationship with your dm.

Ellapaella · 07/02/2017 23:06

No one is sniping civil - a few of us are just in dismay that the OP and her mum still even have a relationship considering what's happened in the past and some are perhaps trying to point out that it may not be the best idea for her mum to be looking after her daughter when she has covered child abuse within the family in the past. It doesn't bode well for a trusting relationship between the OP and her Mum and most people would want to feel they could really trust the person that is looking after their child.

yellowfrog · 07/02/2017 23:06

The thing that stands out to me is that your mum said to your daughter "don't you grow up to be like your mother". That's actually pretty abusive right there - how's your daughter going to feel when a person she loves slags off her mum to her? Pretty confused and upset I imagine. Whatever else you decide to do, I would come down like a ton of bricks on your mum for that sort of comment

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/02/2017 23:08

I think I understand your mindset op - dislike of the parent (for fucking good reason) but feeling like you have to keep in regular contact because otherwise you'd be causing them great sadness. My own mother showed (through her humble behaviour when visiting) that she knew just how lucky she was to be allowed any contact at all with the DGC. However occasionally her bitterness and bile at me not being a devoted daughter who mindlessly loved her (why would I?) did slip out, and I felt like you do now.

I don't have much useful advice to offer as she died nearly 3 years ago and I was, shamefully, a bit relieved at not having to cope with the emotional impact of her presence anymore (she was an abusive bitch throughout my childhood and that had long traces). I never had to consider how much I wanted to expose the DC to her as they grew up. I think maybe you should consider that topic though.

TheEdgeofSeventeen · 07/02/2017 23:08

If said uncle is your mothers carer then GET YOUR CHILD OUT OF THAT FING HOUSE. I understand feeling cold towards your mother, i felt the same towards my grandmother, but there is someone who abused you having regular access to your mothers house where she cares for your child ???????????

moonboogie · 07/02/2017 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DistanceCall · 07/02/2017 23:15

If you don't get on with your mother (understandable, given the circumstances), you don't allow her to take care of your daughter two days a week.

You're sending very, very mixed messages.

Original poster

kitkat321 · 07/02/2017 23:15

Thanks LaContessa.

To everyone concerned that I am exposing my daughter to a child abuser be assured, she has not contact with him when I'm not there.

A variety of factors including working hours, distance etc guarantee that said uncle is very rarely around - only at those family get togethers that I've mentioned before.

I've considered counselling but I'm not sure where to start - I don't want to cause any fuss and while I'm sure this is common with child abuse at a younger age, I sometimes wonder if I imagined it, made it up or just misinterpreted things. I think if it was serious abuse (I'm not saying abuse isn't serious but there are degrees) I'd be more confident in reporting it but the incidents I can remember are all a bit borderline and could easily be challenged - does that make any sense?

Anyway, this thread has gone waay off topic!

OP posts:

Sunnie1984 · 07/02/2017 23:17

Your mother doesn't want to be closer to you, which is why she doesn't call you or involve you more in her life.

She wants to be able to act like you have a close relationship, like her aunt has with her children.

Sounds like it is all for show rather than because she really wants a close relationship.

The childcare/abuse issues are a huge concern and I'm not sure I would let her look after my child in those circumstances.

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