Or was this another dig at me?

[kitkat321]

Long story short, I'm not that close to my mum. We don't have any real issues but we're not close, we're too different and since I was young I've never really got on with her.

She seems to think we should have the same relationship that some of her friends have with their daughters where they phone each other all the time and go out for afternoon tea. I'm lucky if I see her once a month which suits me fine. Don't get me wrong, if she asked me for anything I'd help her as while we don't get on, she's done a lot for me and still does by taking care of my dd a couple of days a week.

On Sunday I took her out for her birthday lunch. While we were driving to the restaurant she started talking about my cousin who'd visited me the previous weekend - I hadn't told my mum about this visit - not because I didn't want her to know but because I didnt think it was important and I hadn't spoken to her since it happened. She'd been speaking to my aunt (cousins mum) who was apparently amazed that my mum didnt' know about this. My mum claimed this was because "her (my aunts) daughters phone her all the time" and that my aunt probably just assumed because her daughter had told her that I'd have told my mum.

I know that sounds like nothing but the way she worded it felt like a dig at me and I did blow up a bit about it.

"Your aunt just thought that because x & y talk to her all the time that you would do the same!"
I'd like to point out, she never phones me - I think she forgets it's a 2 way thing. She did repeatedly claim she wasn't having a go at me.

During lunch however she was talking to my 2 year old dd and said a few times "don't you grow up to be like your mother". WTF - I'm sitting right there, taking her out for lunch having sent her some lovely flowers on her birthday and given her money for her holiday and she's still having a go!

Apparently she doesn't want dd to not want to visit her as she get older - she's constantly asking dd to tell her she loves her and seems to crave attention.

AIBU or was this another passive agressive dig at me for not being the daughter she's always dreamed of?

*of

PS you have every reason to go no contact with your mum but I have not suggested this because I do not think it is your first priority.

If you went no contact no one would blame you. Your choice.

But I do think your first priority is to make sure your child is safe and at the same time to get help for you. I see these two priorities as the same kind of thing. A bit like when you are on a plane and they say in the event of an emergency put your own oxgene mask on before helping your child.

I am sorry I have spoken so much, I hope you will take my words as being genuinely concerned for you and your daughter, not to just being a bossy busy body.

OP, I am in almost the exact same situation as you, except I don't have DC and my mother is still living (apparently against her will) with my abuser.

I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it for themselves can possibly understand what it's like. I'm really sickened by the nasty and judgemental comments, and the black and white thinking on this thread.

Families are complex. Dysfunctional family dynamics are not black or white, i.e. either a person is loving and wonderful or a toxic abuser who you need to go nc with. The MN attitude that anyone who's not Ma Walton should be cut out is simply naive. Real families and real emotions don't work that way.

Having said that, it sounds like there is something not right with your mother. Her ignoring your abuse is one incident but it didn't happen in a vacuum. I'm betting there's an entire lifetime of her not setting appropriate boundaries and making you inappropriately responsible for her emotional state. I can understand perfectly your feeling of needing to fulfill her needs via your DC, but you have to realise you are not responsible for her in any way.

Going to GP or self referring is an excellent idea, and there are a lot of excellent books and online resources for dealing with toxic families or families with inappropriate boundaries.

I'm probably going to get completely ripped apart for this but....

When you told your mum about your uncle abusing you and her reaction was to ask you not to tell anyone, that type of response from a parent wasn't/isn't exclusive to your mum.

What I mean by that is shame played a mammoth part in the cover up of child abuse for many decades, people were afraid of what the neighbours would think of them but of course trying to relay that to a victim of abuse without sounding like you're dismissing the heinous acts that were perpetrated against them is never going to sound like anything other than cold and selfish.

Not comforting you and not confronting the uncle were massive failures on your mother's part, as a mum she should have protected you but she was from a different generation and therefore had been instilled with a different albeit wrong perspective.

She was wrong! Your uncle was and is a scumbag!

However, you sound really confused because on the one hand you don't relish your mum's presence but on the other you're more than happy to allow her to look after your daughter; I think that's quite the contradiction.

You obviously resent her and feel bitterness towards her (and you're perfectly within your rights) but I don't think it's fair on your mum either for you to expect her to be content with a half relationship. Of course she wants your attention, your affection, your time, your love etc but if you're not able to give her that then you should remove yourself entirely from her life.

I can't stress enough that her silence on your abuse was very very very very wrong (and disgusting) but I genuinely don't think it's right to keep punishing her, the carrot and stick approach will only result in continual digs, spiteful remarks and getting on each other's nerves.

The situation you have now is not healthy for anyone. I'm sorry to be blunt but you admittedly acknowledge disliking the woman so it would be less stressful to part ways if you can't find a way to move forward in a more positive relationship with her!

emeraldscorn your points about how people react when faced with a person (or in this case a relative) being abused may be true (look at the massive abuse cover ups in the church, TV and media, and now sport); however, these only go further to suggest why the mum is not an appropriate person to look after the OP's dd.

"You obviously resent her and feel bitterness towards her (and you're perfectly within your rights) but I don't think it's fair on your mum either..."

I am not sure that it is at all helpful to 'guilt' the OP into any course of action that is not entirely necessary. Many posters have mentioned the OP's daughter because we are genuinely concerned for her safety not because we know what is best for the relationships in this family.

"...for you to expect her to be content with a half relationship. Of course she wants your attention, your affection, your time, your love etc but if you're not able to give her that then you should remove yourself entirely from her life."

I think it could potentially be wise but the OP, is the injured party, to go N/C. She gets to decide if she wants to go N/C. Her mum is also at liberty to go N/C but her mum is not the injured party.

emeraldscorn I cannot see that the OP's relationship with her mum, from the mum's perspective is really the issue here so I have no idea why you are saying... "I'm sorry to be blunt but you admittedly acknowledge disliking the woman so it would be less stressful to part ways if you can't find a way to move forward in a more positive relationship with her!"

I would not consider my post to you to be one where you are 'completely ripped apart'; as you suggest.

But I do strongly disagree with the areas highlighted.

Thanks Italiangreyhound

Hugs to you OP, LaContessaDiPlump and all who have been hurt by those who should have cared for them.