To expect the teacher to support an upset child fully and not walk off!

[OopsDearyMe]

My DD1 has aspergers, I know that. I am fighting to get a piece of paper that also says that.
My daughter has had no real problems going to school for months, but never likes going. She starts to get upset the night before and I relialise I probably could have handled this better, I told her last night that she might be able to stay off school today, I did it because she was so upset and anxious, she barely sleeps 6 hrsa night as it is and so she would sleep, I lied (and hate myself) I told her that she would still need to get up and dressed for school and come with me.
Then at school, I asked how she felt about going in, she began to get very upset, her teacher came passed and at first went to walk straight passed us. But I called out to her and explained , her response was a half hearted , oh well we have Computing today so you'll enjoy that won't you? Then walked off!!!
Leaving me with DS who still needed dropping at his school, and a crying DD who is gripping my arm and pleading with her eyes to take her home. The only thing I could do was leave and take DS. None of her peers approached her and her only two friends were not there.

I am so upset, both at myself!!!

But could the teacher have no taken 5 minutes , her manner was so not child friendly either, so pissed off.

[Userone1]

ooops if you haven't made school aware of your dd's difficulties, you cannot really expect the teachers to act any differently.

You need to talk to school.

There is plenty that can be done, if you make them aware of the issue.

[BarbarianMum]

Yes try the Special Needs section OP. All you are going to get from this thread now are 100 other people giving you a kicking and you don't need that.

[Floggingmolly]

You dropped an upset child off twenty minutes before school started and expected the teachers to deal with her? . At our school you don't get past the gate till the bell rings, so you're lucky you even have the option to do this.
Why wouldn't you drop your son off first??

[Trifleorbust]

where a teacher is more concerned with taking registration that helping a child, who in all other ways NEVER causes a single problem for her.

Taking registration and making sure there is a record of which children are in her care and which aren't is a non-negotiable, legal duty. What if there was a fire, or one of them walked off? Your child was upset but safe in your care.

[karron]

Is the teacher aware of the problems you are having with getting your DD to school and the anxiety? If so, they could have handled it better. If you've not brought it up with the school then there are often children tired after a weekend who would rather not be in school and they might not have realised the size of the issue you're having. Either way best thing to do is talk to the teacher - not to accuse but just to clue them in on what is going on and have a conversation about what school can do to help both.

[Olympiathequeen]

Perhaps this teachers style is distraction rather than make a big fuss and possibly increase the attention given which may increase the problem?
She also has a lot of other children to manage and the best person to comfort a child is the parent.
I would ask if there is some advice you and DD can be given to help with the anxiety.

[NoCleanClothes]

I can understand why you're upset - the teacher probably could have been more helpful but she might not have known how to help or the extent of the problem - she also probably had 101 other things she needed to do (just like you were also worrying about dropping DS off at his school etc.). I do think you need to approach the school in advance and set up a system for settling in your DD. Sounds like a difficult situation, your DD is lucky to have you supporting her though.

[OopsDearyMe]

OK, you are all hung up on the fact that the upset was caused by my lying, however she would have be just as distressed had she not been lied to. The teacher did not know why she was upset and didn't wait around long enough to ask!

Thank you to those of you who said talk to the senco, I have tried but the archaic SENCO won't do anything because she has no statement and has in the past told me that girls don't get autism.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

Teaching staff are more stiff upper lip in seconds school, leaving primary is more than moving schools it is leaving behind the more nurturing personalised approach of primary school. Children are expected to be more independent and self reliant, building resilience. Teachers before school starts are busy preparing for a demanding day. I think the only way to avoid this situation is to prepare for it, speak to the school, ask for help. Fixating on whether one specific teacher should have taken the time to jolly your daughter in today will not fix anything.

I have learned that you need to be explicit when you ask for support, assuming teachers will just know what to do in any situation is unfair and unrealistic.

[MadHattersWineParty]

You clearly have no idea what pressure the teachers are under during their working hours OP.

[Floggingmolly]

They don't have to "handle it better" 20 minutes before school starts when the mum is still on the premises. Teachers are absolutely not expected to take charge of your children until school officially opens.
Her mum was there, dealing with it. Until she scarpered to go to the other school, of course.
But she organised it badly, it wasn't anybody else's responsibility.

[Trifleorbust]

this was 20 minutes before and therefore school was not actually due to start for 20 minutes, so the teacher did not have to immeadiatly attend to class of kids sat ready to work.

Oh right, that makes her your childminder then?

The teacher will have had a million things to do and may well have been trying to deal with another urgent issue.

I get that you feel you aren't coping but you really are being unreasonable and placing responsibility for your DD where it does not belong.

[Lapinlapin]

I'm sorry you're having problems, but I'm not quite sure what you expected the teacher to do?

If it was 20 minutes before school started, it would have been too early for the teacher to take your daughter in. And she probably had meetings and things to do. At our school you're not allowed to drop children off early - we all wait in the playground and the kids go in when the bell rings.

Spending 20 mins talking about something your dd doesn't like (i.e school) wasn't going to help either, was it?

So all the teacher rcould do, is jolly her along a bit ( the comment about computers) and then keep a watchful eye on her once she is IN school (I.e now)

So hopefully she's cheered up by now, and the teacher is looking after her.

It might be worth making an appointment to speak to the teacher and discuss the issues.

Good luck

[Geekmama]

OP really? It's true that ASD has a high percentage of boys then girls but GOSH that's rather worrying!

[Userone1]

Not all are hung up. A few are trying to give some good advice.

SENCO is talking rubbish. As I said SN section is the way to go. Full of parents who have exactly the same issues and have lots of advice and experience.

[Costacoffeeplease]

I don't think you're taking any of these replies on board op

You confused and upset your daughter, the teacher is preparing for the coming day/week for the whole class, and slightly brisk 'chivvying' is not necessarily a bad response

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

" I probably could have handled this better, I told her last night that she might be able to stay off school today, "

This would have utterly floored me as a child. And I didn't have any sn.

I hope it's a one off. I also hope you understand how destructive your behavior was and how much damage it will have caused.

Your poor DD

I don't want to labour the point but if you carry on like that you will be making a difficult situation completely impossible. And you need to realize the impact your own behavior is having in order to learn from it and adopt more constructive ways to handle your daughter. Even if you're struggling to empathize with her, through exhaustion or whatever, perhaps the thought of better nights and better days for everyone, including yourself would be something worth aiming for?

Transitions are really hard for children, and suddenly changing rules, patterns, routines, taking away predictability, are all very harmful to helping that child cope.

Add in feeling out of control and unable to trust what you say is going to impact heavily on trust and security.

I wonder if you're focused on the teacher not helping you because you're not coping and are desperate for some help? Perhaps you could focus those energies on getting into a position where you have as much support as possible in place? I know that's ruddy hard but it does help eventually. Try the special needs boards on here for more practical help and support?

[ExplodedCloud]

Right, that last bit of info would have been useful. What does her teacher think? Have you considered a change of school?

[Spikeyball]

This is getting you nowhere. You need to talk to the Senco. I have a child with asd and sld and I had to carry him into school kicking and screaming on a number of occasions so I do know how it is.

[Cherryskypie]

The SN board will have the best advice on how to deal with approaching the school to get measures put in place to support your DD. It won't be the first unhelpful SENCO they've heard of.

[Floggingmolly]

Is your dd secondary age, op?

[OopsDearyMe]

Thank you peppermintea.

My problem is that they DO know the problems,but have chosen to ignore them.
My sons school starts at 9:00am the dot, the girls have a slow start, you can arrive anytime from 08:45 - 09:00 when registration is taken.

I am really shocked that people think teachers should be more concerned by the group and not the individual, surely every individual is important. The teacher could have done a number of things more helpful than she did, is all I am saying.

[Introvertedbuthappy]

Have you tried a visual timetable for everything that has to be done on the morning? Eg eat breakfast, out on uniform, brush teeth, walk to school, go into school etc? Something predictable rather than lying to get her in.

[Macaroni22]

Yabu.
You know you set DD up for it as gave her hope she wouldn't have to go in. Especially with aspergers, it was never going to end well. I understand why you did this as a last resort to get her to school but you were relying on the teacher (who probably had a million other things to do) to sort it out when you got there when it is your responsibility.
Yabvu to expect the teacher to delay class because of one upset child.
Even when people have told you yabu you still seem to be shifting the blame.

What you should be thinking about is different coping mechanisms in getting DD to school happily. Have you tried a reward chart? Maybe she could take a teddy in to look after her?

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

Then you need some help convincing the senco, complain to the head and school governors. This issue will not go away. Become a pain in their arse till they put in some support. But look at before school clubs as that might help.