Am I behaving selfishly?

[PeteinSQ]

My wife and I have two children. Our eldest is 6 and a half and the youngest is 3 months.

My wife feels that I'm a bit selfish and I wanted to get some broader opinions as too whether my behaviour is acceptable or if it is indeed selfish.

I work full time and my wife has made the decision to stop working (which she's delighted with and I'm fairly happy with too). As a consequence my wife does the majority of the housework. I do cook on the weekends and will do laundry and washing up but the bulk of this work falls on her shoulders.

I have one hobby which is running and I've planned a couple of 10k races in the next few months. I'm also going for a long weekend away with my friends (this is something we do about once a year), but I literally never go for nights out otherwise, never go to the pub. The only other non family thing I have planned is to go to a football match with my mum in two months.

My wife accuses me of having loads of things planned and not thinking of her or the boys. Is she right? Obviously I don't really think she is but I've only got my own experience to go on.

My wife has almost no social life as it's never been something she has been particularly interested in. She'd always prefer to stay in rather than go out, so there can never be any reciprocal long weekend away for her (which I can see might grate) but does that mean I should never see my friends?

/Rant

hunkered down : D

Do not suggest that she takes some time out for herself to go to the gym or get some exercise, unless you want to sound like a patronising, judgmental arse! Book her an afternoon tea by all means, but do not suggest anything for her free time, i'm sure she could figure out how to spend it herself.

I think this is about the fact that the birth of your second born has changed the dynamics of your relationship and I think you have misread her relief at not having to sort out childcare and leave the children for being delighted. This has had some consequences though, housework which presumably split 50 50 has become her responsiblity. She presumably feels more isolated and lacks the social interaction she felt before. Also I assume you now see her as default childcare so book in races etc without confirming the timings with her.

I also suspect the weekend away was booked before your second was born when she felt perfectly capable of doing it. Suddenly a new baby is in the mix and the idea is very scary of managing them on her own. If she is counting the time down until you are home the fact that won't be there and she will totally on her own is scary. My husband and friends husbands go away but we have friends and family close so still get adult interaction

Are you sure she is not interested in a social life but instead is struggling to make friends etc I wonder whether you are making assumptions as to her own happiness levels at the situation she finds herself in and that is the issue.

I think perhaps your selfishness comes not in what you are asking but the failure to see how it may impact her, which in the first post is exactly what she is telling you. I think perhaps it's a distinction you have not fully grasped

Take her away for the weekend instead of pissing about with your mates. She sounds depressed and taken for granted.

I can't believe the nimber of people suggesting encouraging her to go out & get some exercise. Exercise can be good for your MH, but your dh pushing you to do it a few weeks post birth is not.

I am having to at this thread, some many women with differing opinions, the OP is probably more confused than he was to start with!

I don't think anything you are doing sounds unreasonable. But I do think your wife sounds unhappy and a bit isolated and I think you should talk to her about it. Can you have both kids for a couple of hours in between feeds at a weekend so she can do something without them?

Take her away for the weekend instead of pissing about with your mates. She sounds depressed and taken for granted.

He's not pissing about with his mates, no idea where you got that from

I kind of agree with George. You aren't asking much and running is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. I do it and usually do a 10k event once an year.

However I think your wife might need more support. Speaking as a sahm, being a sahp to young children can make you go a bit crazy. I remember feeling stir crazy but also being anxious to leave the children. Add to that baby group social nightmares, school gate cliques etc. On top of that being the one cleaning up after everyone all the time doesn't make you feel like a princess. Ask her if she would like a treat for her and what shed like it to be.

From my perspective as a stay at home mom while DH works although in my case I do have a social life I used to see him as an emotional and physical crutch at the weekend when the kids were babies. And at 3 months there's hardly any sleep going on so her emotions are severely heightened it can be a lonely time for a mother but at the same time of course you need your time socially as it's only healthy you get that and from what your saying your time alone seems fair. What's the most worrying is that your wife has zero social life and likes it that way. It's so important for her to have friends other than you in fact crucial for the well being of her mental health. She really needs encouraging to get out the house and meet friends.

Yanbu although I could see how a weekend away when the baby is 4 months old could feel tricky. Your wife is frankly being kind of unreasonable for not recognising the importance of self care for herself (and you) - exercise, social relationships, couple time is critical for physical and mental health.

You sound lovely OP and YANBU. I was a sahm for 3 years after DS1. I became very isolated, and felt very lonely. I was jealous of my husband going anywhere on his own, even work!
Like you, he did as much as his very busy and stressful job would allow, and although I appreciated this I couldn't help feeling resentful. Nothing he did was ever right. I had no hobbies and no social life, because I didn't arrange anything.

I realised the problem was with me, that I wasn't happy with my current lifestyle. I felt like every day was Groundhog Day. I had lost myself.

I chose to go back to work PT and I am so much happier and am a better mum and probably wife as a result. I also make sure I go out with friends now and again just to get out there for some adult conversation! I'm not saying this is the right thing for your wife, but she may be projecting her unhappiness onto you, and she is the only one really who can fix that.

My wife does have a social life - just not one that involves going out in the evening. She has far more friends locally than I do (other mums mostly) and will see them during the day etc. What she doesn't really have is a circle of close friends that she would go away with etc. I don't really know why this is but even when we were at university she was never interested in going on nights out. We did go out together as a couple for meals or to the cinema but she'd never really want to go out with a group of people. She was happy with that situation.

I think the comment that someone made about being a bit jealous that I can more or less go where I want when I want (even though I do it fairly infrequently) is probably correct. When we get past 6 months and start to wean the youngest then hopefully she will be able to get out and do some things for herself and will feel less annoyed at me for the things I might choose to do.

Thanks for all the replies - I'm pleased you don't all think I'm a monster.

Can you reschedule the weekend away?

I think you need to be clear that these things are not too much. Your few activities are planned over a period of months. There are plenty of women who post here to complain that their DPs do too much over a period of days. Its sounds like she wants you at home all the time.

Don't give in otherwise you will soon be in a situation where you will need some kind of exit visa to leave the house or permissions slips.

No way are you selfish. You even cook! You're a real star. I think your wife needs to find an evening 'club', even if it's a keep fit class. She'll feel much better for it.
My husband has supported me in the past when the DDs were small, with taking them for the day on a Saturday and then on the Sunday he could attend to his hobby of driving a restored Bristol 1969 coach to transport rallies.
Wish my husband would cook. He hasn't for over 15 years, apart from heating up a ready meal for himself lol!

No way are you selfish. You even cook! You're a real star

Oh good lord🙄

This thread is now literally doing wheelies on its bmx outside the OP's house.

It sounds as if it's all been bad timing with several things close together. I didn't suffer from depression or struggle after mine were born but dear god was it a relief when my husband walked through the door. When my youngest was 3 months I chucked him at my husband, put trainers on and took up running. That mental and physical space whilst running was amazing. Your wife may not be into sport, taking up pottery or going out in the evenings but she is getting some of those moments of space by you being around. Maybe the idea of losing some of that several times in a shortish space feels a bit much for her.

Even short distance races like 10Ks can take up quite a bit of time depending on how far away or large they are. By the time you've traveled, parked, waited, run... most of the usable part of the day can go. It's quite easy to sucked into races and enter more and more, maybe in future space them out and discuss before. Also try and do long weekend training runs so they impact the family as little as possible. I would be back from a 3 hour training run before my husband or kids had breakfast. My husband entered a bike ride once and he drove me nuts training he couldn't go before breakfast, then an hour to have coffee, then he needed to adjust the bike, then it was lunch, then he finally would get out of the house. It felt as if the entire day was put on hold for him to do a couple of hours training ride.

I'm really surprised at the number of people on this thread who think it's totally fine for a DH to go away for a long weekend (3 days I'm assuming??) while his wife stays home with a 3 or 4 month old exclusively breastfed baby as well as an older child. Really? My husband had to travel for work a bit at this stage with our kids and it felt like hell on earth when he went away. I was totally exhausted and overwhelmed. The idea that he'd be off voluntarily with his mates when he didn't have to while I was at home coping with both kids/ not sleeping etc just sounds so selfish and awful. (I'm not saying that the OP is selfish and awful- he sounds like a generally decent bloke, but I'm just really shocked by how many people seem to think this is totally fine.) I think weekends away with mates really should be put on hold for the first year or at least until the baby is no longer exclusively bf and reliably sleeps through the night. THis may be different for some people/ some might find it easier to go sooner etc, but the idea that we should be somehow shaming the DW for not liking this idea just seems bizarre to me.

Yabu to do anything in the first 6 months of 2nd child's life without checking with your wife.

Ugh, I struggled all day & dh was busy at work so often did a bit of overtime when our 2nd was youngest. Breast feeding seemed to make that harder as it took so long. Your eldest is older so maybe she isn't struggling but put yourself in her shoes & communicate before booking anything. It's just courteous.

Generally you're nbu-dh is like your wife, never goes out & I'm like you, like a few things a year to myself. I'm going to the ballet on Thursday. It's like organising a wedding trying to sort out the children for a couple of hours. Also I fond it infuriating sometimes that dh doesn't go out as would love it to feel more even

Yes I assume its was arranged before number 2 was born. I suspect that whilst the impact of number 2 has been far more profound on the OPs wife that the OP. SOmething she thought would be fine for her to handle when it was arranged is now seeming scary.

DH went away fro business when mine were nearly 4 and 3 months old I was terrified about it and how I would cope. Yes I did cope but I was still worried about it (and I had my Mum and Dad nearby!)

One of my school mums has recently moved a 20 minute drive from the school and her husband is away on business for the week she had it has really made her realise how much she has moved away from her support network, particularly as her youngest is prone to asthma and has needed an ambulance on occasion

Being a full time mom is a job too. Not the typical 9 - 5 job but rather, 24/7 job with no time off 'work'.

You've mentioned she love looking after the kids, just as anyone who loves their job, they still get time off.