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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I behaving selfishly?

124 replies

PeteinSQ · 05/02/2017 20:32

My wife and I have two children. Our eldest is 6 and a half and the youngest is 3 months.

My wife feels that I'm a bit selfish and I wanted to get some broader opinions as too whether my behaviour is acceptable or if it is indeed selfish.

I work full time and my wife has made the decision to stop working (which she's delighted with and I'm fairly happy with too). As a consequence my wife does the majority of the housework. I do cook on the weekends and will do laundry and washing up but the bulk of this work falls on her shoulders.

I have one hobby which is running and I've planned a couple of 10k races in the next few months. I'm also going for a long weekend away with my friends (this is something we do about once a year), but I literally never go for nights out otherwise, never go to the pub. The only other non family thing I have planned is to go to a football match with my mum in two months.

My wife accuses me of having loads of things planned and not thinking of her or the boys. Is she right? Obviously I don't really think she is but I've only got my own experience to go on.

My wife has almost no social life as it's never been something she has been particularly interested in. She'd always prefer to stay in rather than go out, so there can never be any reciprocal long weekend away for her (which I can see might grate) but does that mean I should never see my friends?

/Rant

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 22:32

PS I hate to say this, it is so typical to suggest but... is there any chance she has post natal depression? Be very careful about suggesting this but maybe read up a bit on it.

Frazzledmum123 · 05/02/2017 22:37

I don't think yabu personally. I have a 2 month old ad well as a 5 year old and 3 year old and my husband had been out a few times with friends recently and is planning a weekend away in a couple of months, he also works Saturdays. BUT he does a hell of a lot when he is home, probably more than me tbh. He will get in from work and immediately take over looking after the kids so I can do whatever it is I want and although I don't go out often and are bf, if I do want to go out he is completely up for it (providing I have left milk for baby obviously). My point is it is give and take, thinking of each other. If you are pulling your weight when home then I think she should be understanding about your plans. That said, even if she doesn't want to go out, you could offer to give her the night off sometimes and take over full responsibility for the kids like she'd have to when your out. Obviously she has to feed baby but you can take baby once fed and let her just put her feet up and do nothing. Also make sure you make family plans too then I think you should be able to have free time of your own too without feeling guilty

Jenniferb21 · 05/02/2017 22:37

I understand and agree that both partners should (if they wish to) pursue their own interests and hobbies whilst remaining committed to the family and helping equally or reasonably with housework and childcare etc (a balance which will be determined by working patterns and schedules etc) however I do think it's unreasonable to leave a new mum of 2 for a whole weekend. Breastfeeding alone is really hard work and means she'll be looking after another child whilst trying to feed the baby 24/7 without a break. It's a time when aside from the physical help you need, emotionally you want your husband/ partner around for support and re-assurance. If it was a night out I'd agree, but a whole weekend when baby is this young isn't fair.

Again, as I put earlier generallly you seem a fair and lovely person

RB68 · 05/02/2017 22:55

Do you have anything planned for all of you?? What about taking the 6 yr old to footie? It seems anything you do outside of what you contribute at home is about you rather than us ie as a family.

Its also about not taking your wife for granted - its hard work with two kids and a house to keep - and from the sounds of it feeling like she has to do almost everything as you are going out to earn the cash. It just sounds like she needs some appreciation, wants some family organised events rather than feeling a bit second place to running, friends and extended family

Original poster

PeteinSQ · 05/02/2017 22:59

As to being happy with her decision to give up work it has advantages and disadvantages for me and also for her. Obviously there's less money (but there's still enough) but the childcare issue is less of a palaver (in the past I'd have to drop our son off at pre school club and then drop my wife at the station before going to work. Then after work back to school to pick him up at 5.30 before heading back to the station to get my wife. Our son was doing 8 until 5.30 every day).

I think perhaps I didn't ask permission to do the 2 races I have planned so that's not the best thing I could have done.

I actually asked my wife about this this evening. A lot of it stems from me not asking what she wants to do and not being emotionally supportive enough which is something I struggle with. I'm good at giving practical support but not so good at seeing when someone is feeling down.

We've been together since I was 19 and I'm 35 now so we've been through a lot. Parenthood is hard work as you all know.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeteinSQ · 05/02/2017 23:06

We do loads as a family. We are going away for half term, went to a donkey sanctuary today, did a family dog walk yesterday, went to Disney world last year etc etc.

I've taken the eldest to the football before, he hated it so we won't be going again. I'm only going to this game because the team my mum supports is playing the team I support and they're not normally in the same league. I only go to the football every couple of years.

OP posts:

chasingrainbows27 · 05/02/2017 23:15

I really don't think you should have to ask for permission to do a running race. Discuss it maybe but she should be encouraging you if anything.

She sounds jealous to me...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/02/2017 23:22

So what if she is jealous.

Talking about something in advance and making sure they are totally happy to take full responsibility for your children whilst you undergo any activity is not really a bad thing.

And being in a position to just do so without any form of advance discussion, just knowing that no matter when why what and how the other parent will be available to do so is a significant advantage that is quite worthy of envy.

MrsDustyBusty · 05/02/2017 23:23

I wasn't really talking about permission either, but really just having the respect to check that it's convenient and just showing that you realise that in making these plans, you're essentially making plans for her, too.

AfroPuffs · 05/02/2017 23:31

You sound absolutely lovely OP and YANBU.

I think based on your last post your wife is probably stuck in a rut and could be feeling like she doesn't do anything fun or just for her? I say encourage her to get out a bit so she feels like she's got a life of her own too. I know you said she doesn't like being away from the kids but I think she'd benefit from a hobby or a meet up with her friends every so often. Otherwise she may end up becoming jealous and resentful.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 23:56

chasingrainbows "I really don't think you should have to ask for permission to do a running race."

When people talk about asking permission in this situation I don't think they are saying 'can I run a race'.

I think they are saying 'I would like to do a race that will almost certainly happen when the children are out of school time", e.g. at home, and as there is a new baby in the family this is definitely the case. So the 'permission' is actually - "Will you be home/OK to look after the kids alone/will you be here, while I do this race."

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 05/02/2017 23:58

I think YABU and I wonder how many posters here have ebf a 3 months old. Your baby is just ready to hit his first sleep regression (if it hasn't already started) and your wife has told you she needs your support.
Perhaps the football with your mum is something out of the ordinary but the 10k and weekend with friend could be easily done at another time.

BabySnores · 06/02/2017 06:20

I think you should have spoken about it first. Not as a pemission but as a cutesy.

My baby is combination fed and a few weeks younger. I can only say from my pov with an awesome husband. I'm torn between not wanting to leave my baby and being a bit resentful when my dh has time away from us. It's not logical at all and I am social. I can imagine if she is ebf she may feel that more.

flumpybear · 06/02/2017 06:32

No j don't think you are being unreasonable but I think perhaps when she's ready to start having days or weekends away you should support this fir her

waterrat · 06/02/2017 06:32

This is a common situation where really nobody is being unreasonable. Your wife is tired snd anxious at the thought of weekends where uou are absent - I have experienced thst while on mat leave myself and it's awful. The week has no end in sight and just goes on and on - making the weekend feel incredibly lonely.

I think it's good for you to run so YANBU
But try to remember how hard and lonely it is being with a baby all the time and just be a bit sympathetic to thst.

Could you cancel the weekend away with your friends ? Seems like bad timing.

Velvian · 06/02/2017 07:02

I think you are revealing a few things you are not saying, op. In your initial post you said your dw was "very happy" about being a sahp, which sort of sounds a bit like you allowed her to be a sahp, rather than coming up with a solution as to what would happen with your baby while you were (both or not) at work. I expect her relief was more to do with the dcs than herself. You also said that you didnt ask for "permission" to do the run, which sounds a bit resentful. The thing is your dw likely wouldn't do the same until she checked someone could look after the dcs. You know that she is just there.

MrsMillions · 06/02/2017 07:03

OP does your nickname indicate you're expats?

Gallavich · 06/02/2017 07:10

It's not healthy for her life to revolve around the children and that she doesn't have friends or hobbies. No wonder she feels blue.
The baby is breastfed but in a couple of months he will be ok for a few hours between feeds so she can go out, meet a friend for coffee, haircut, Zumba class/whatever. I hope you encourage her to do that. If she refuses to spend time away from the kids then she cannot insist you do the same. That's not fair.

Guitargirl · 06/02/2017 07:11

YANBU and I don't think you are being selfish.

My DCs are older now but I do remember what it was like to have an exc bf 3 month old. The difference was there was a smaller gap between our DCs so when DS was 3 months, DD was 2.3. DP went away for the weekend a couple of times. I have always enjoyed my time alone with the DCs to be honest (as does DP) and I have never been one for enforcing this golden 'family time' which lots of people on MN talk about.

You do lots of things together as a family and the things you are planning/asking to do are not unreasonable. Your wife is an adult and you don't need to be planning her social life for her. To be honest when my DCs were aged 3 months, my life did pretty much revolve around them, there's nothing wrong with that. My 'social life' at that time consisted of baby groups and meeting up with other parents and their babies. It's a phase of life and changes naturally as the DCs get older and they become more independent.

Bumblebiscuits · 06/02/2017 07:13

Chocolate, I have ebf a baby (whilst having a three year old) and I definitely don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

I also would be more worried about the OP's wife. The fact that you've been together since you were 19 and she doesn't have any social life at all, suggests that the problem is that she is overly reliant on you. It sounds like you do everything you can to support her and would be open to given her free time/down time. But she just wants you to be there all the time you're not at work. That sounds stifling to me, not supportive.

If it was my dp, I'd have to talk to her about this, particularly now she's cut herself off by giving up work as well (fine to be a sahm but it's even more important in some ways to have some social outlet). I'm socially awkward OP but I realised I had to make more effort for my children's sake. I didn't want them to be shy/socially awkward. So I forced myself to meet with antenatal and postnatal groups, join a book club, do evening classes etc. I now have some dear friends.

Doesn't she even have family she could visit, or could you socialise with your friends' partners. Anything so that she could not just depend on you, and then the hobby issue would just resolve itself.

5amisnotmorning · 06/02/2017 07:16

The thing is it doesn't matter if you are or not being unreasonable - she thinks that you are so you need to talk to each other and work out something. The mumsnet jury may declare yanbu but if your DW thinks you are it will breed resentment.

Velvian · 06/02/2017 07:21

Also the baby is only 2 months old; she gave birth/had a c-section 8/9 weeks ago. I think it's normal to still be feeling delicate and vulnerable for a while yet.

Dragongirl10 · 06/02/2017 07:26

YANBU

Assuming what you have said is acurate, it is really up to your wife wether or not she goes out and if she exclusively BF s your baby, all these choices are hers.

You are not unreasonable in the amount of time doing hobbies at all.

You also help a lot more than my DH ever did!

Just keep talking to her and really listening in case she is lonely otherwise you are being a good H as far as l can see

atheistmantis · 06/02/2017 07:27

It sounds fine as long as you are supportive when your wife wants to do things; perhaps you could encourage her to have a weekend away or get her a gym membership if that's her kind of thing so she has some time to keep fit and look after herself.

jobanana · 06/02/2017 07:34

You sound like an angel. As far as I am concerned, you are the soul of kindness and decency. You take your responsibility extremely seriously, your whole life is arranged around being a very supportive father and husband, and that you just want to keep up your running is GOOD - I think you're amazing. You do so much - all that with the family, and your job, and your running. No, you're not being even one teensy bit unreasonable.

Your wife seems to have gone to ground, hunkered up, locked all the doors and is just home-focused. That's her choice and you clearly respect, support and facilitate that - but no, she can't expect you also to do that. What you've got planned is almost nothing. You MUST stand up for yourself in this and insist she gets perspective and sees it isn't much, especially given all you do. She's already making you feel guilty about a once a year weekend, and a short trip with your mum. This is wrong - I think you should not just feel it's ok to do, but you should understand it's very important to do, and your wife must accept this.

You sound a very sympathetic person, so I'm sure you'll say it nicely. Just stick to your guns.

(and wow, some women really really really really have no idea how lucky they are ...!)

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