Am I behaving selfishly?

[PeteinSQ]

My wife and I have two children. Our eldest is 6 and a half and the youngest is 3 months.

My wife feels that I'm a bit selfish and I wanted to get some broader opinions as too whether my behaviour is acceptable or if it is indeed selfish.

I work full time and my wife has made the decision to stop working (which she's delighted with and I'm fairly happy with too). As a consequence my wife does the majority of the housework. I do cook on the weekends and will do laundry and washing up but the bulk of this work falls on her shoulders.

I have one hobby which is running and I've planned a couple of 10k races in the next few months. I'm also going for a long weekend away with my friends (this is something we do about once a year), but I literally never go for nights out otherwise, never go to the pub. The only other non family thing I have planned is to go to a football match with my mum in two months.

My wife accuses me of having loads of things planned and not thinking of her or the boys. Is she right? Obviously I don't really think she is but I've only got my own experience to go on.

My wife has almost no social life as it's never been something she has been particularly interested in. She'd always prefer to stay in rather than go out, so there can never be any reciprocal long weekend away for her (which I can see might grate) but does that mean I should never see my friends?

/Rant

you're not being selfish at all. it's normal to have a social life and a hobby. The only thing I'd suggest is helping your wife to find a hobby/friends/an interest...frankly if anything I think she's the one being unreasonable..that sort of lack of action/interests etc would drive me potty

I don't see the problem - 1 weekend away, 3 other not-particularly-long things over the next few months (one of which is with his mum). He works f-t & still does a decent share with kids, always home otherwise (except 1 hour training) & wife doesn't want to go out. Communicates these events well in advance. Perfectly reasonable.

ps...you sound like the sort of bloke that would happily look after the children while she had a few hours/weekend away...my answer above presumes that fact. I'd feel v claustrophobic living with someone so reliant on me for any adult company etc

Did you book these activities before talking to your wife about it?

I don't think you're selfish at all - but I do think your timing is a little bit off.

Your second child is 3 months old - that's precisely the right age for the new baby joyful hormones to have worn off and the unrelenting tiredness to have moved in. If she's EBF she probably never gets a minute to herself - yes, you do your share of bedtimes etc but you're tag-teaming it. She's either dealing with both DCs or one DC all the time.

Don't assume that because she chose to never be away from DC1 that she's not revising her decision now she's doing double the work either!

I think you need a long talk about what your wife needs and wants from you over the next few months. If that means you don't race this spring then you don't race this spring - it doesn't mean you'll never race again, it just means that she needs a little bit of extra help while she's still post-partum.

i think it is perfectly reasonable what you have planned -

YANBU
I think your wife is though

I think she's being hugely unreasonable. Your running and going on one weekend away a year ffs. What does she want you to do, stop exercising and have no social life?

Definitely not unreasonable. My husband and I both have 1 or 2 weekends away with out friends a year. It is important for both of us to maintain this and to have time away from each other and the family. Definitely makes you appreciate what you have. My husband doesn't do a huge amount socially other than that occasional curry, beer with the lads. However if he did want to take up a hobby I would encourage this. I probably have a much more active social life (just our different personalities) he has always encouraged this. When our youngest was 6 weeks old he encouraged me to have a night away with the girls. He stayed at home with our 1,2 and 6 week old.
Maybe you should also
Encourage your wife to have some time to herself. Does she have friends that she can go out with. One of my closest friends couldn't bear to be away from her kids and didn't have a night away until her eldest was 5. Now she has though she has never looked back and really values the time with her friends.
I would be understanding to your wife but please don't think you are being unreasonable. It also
Sounds like maybe you could make more effort as a couple to go out just the two of you. It is so important (something that we should also make more effort to do!)

It is true that running does involve training but I only do one of these a week in time when I could be with my family and it's only for an hour. I fit all my other training into my lunch break at work.

^^This + 1 weekend away with friends and a football match with your mother is definitely not selfish

I don't think you sound remotely selfish.

She sounds unhealthily insular to me.

YANBU

Assuming that you'd happily take care of the boys while your wife took part in a hobby at the weekend or went to stay with her friends for a couple of days. If she chooses not to, that's her decision, but she shouldn't make you feel guilty for spending a little bit of time for yourself outside the family. That's totally normal and healthy - me and my OH do so regularly.

"Training for a 10k run" is just going for a run regularly, aka doing regular exercise - something all adults should do. Imagine being made to feel selfish for living a healthy lifestyle!! My OH does pilates twice a week and I go to the gym 3-4 times a week. Why on earth would that ever be a bad thing??

I don't think you're being unreasonable but you're married to a lady who obviously is made happy by spending time with her family and feels secure at home or when she's with her children and yourself.

I have a 10 month old and am extremely socialble (go out with my friend's without my baby and with baby, do loads of baby groups, go for nights out and stay in hotels with my husband without baby etc) I would still have not understood his desire to go away for a weekend with his friends when our baby is so young. I would say unfortunately she will most likely need your support and will struggle whilst you're off having the time of your life. It seems unfair.

However generally you sound like a supportive husband and a lovely person. I would say if you can't cancel it ensure that the week before she is pampered and gets time to herself. Run her a bath every few nights, cook during the week a couple of times (or cook on a Sunday freeze and reheat for her during the week) give her a foot rub/ back rub. Maybe come back with a gift. If she would enjoy it arrange childcare for a couple of hours and book her a pedicure or massage locally (you can get 30 mins massages so Breastfeeding isn't a problem) Make her feel appreciated in the run up and when you get home too and she'll at least then feel like you've been thinking of her.

Good luck x

It sounds like your wife has become so focussed on being a mother that she has forgotten to be herself. You are allowed to do both. The fact that you have barely been out alone in 6 years is worrying. I think it's great that you are pursuing your hobby. She needs to be encouraged to do something herself and realise that being a parent doesn't mean giving up everything else in your life. There is room for everything if you manage it well. Best of luck.
Oh. And yanbu!!

Honestly - I think it depends.

On the surface then no, you don't seem to be being unreasonable. If you are being completely honest in your posts, then you seem to pull your weight and spend a lot of time with your family, and your time away is minimal.

However - I really really struggled for the first 6 months year or so of my second child's life. The thought of a week alone with the children, followed by a weekend with my husband away, followed by another week alone was crushing. Despite my saying I was OK for him to go off and spend the weekend with his friends, as he did a couple of times a year, he recognised that I was really struggling and didn't go until I had a better hand on things.

So it isn't always as cut and dried as "are my plans unreasonable" because people - situations - are different. Why not have a chat and find out what your wife's expectations are and why she feels your plans are selfish - that will give you a better way to gauge what is going on than talking to us when we really don't know the situation from both sides.

You are not being unreasonable at all. She may just be feeling a bit low - the baby is tiny and its tough keeping that little human alive. She's probably a bit jealous, albeit unreasonably - hormones did that to me in a massive way until our babies were about 6 months old and everything regulated out.

Just be kind and understanding and maybe organise something for you all to do - a breakfast or afternoon tea works well around baby naps and I'm sure your six year old will love it. Could you cook some meals ready for your weekend away so she can spend time just hanging out with the children and not feeling like she's just been left alone with all the chores to do?

All will be back to normal soon.

You don't sound selfish and seem to pull your weight. I would though give your wife the opportunity to have a few child free outings equal to yours. My DH paid for a spa afternoon with a massage to save my sanity. It may not be possible with her still breastfeed but just a coffee with friends or even an afternoon to herself while you take the kids out. Equality and consideration on both sides makes a marriage work.

Of course if she doesn't want to and refuses that's down to her. But at least offer. Once the baby is older try to encourage her to go out with you as a couple. Being purely child focused is not a recipe for mutual happiness.

I don't think you are being selfish but I am worried about your wife. It isn't good for her to be isolating herself from society so much. I know you say she's happy and this is what she wants but I suspect that she is a shy and not very socially confident woman and that being a SAHM has made her retreat even more into her shell.

I remember when I was a SAHM, I could go for days without speaking to another adult except at the check out in the supermarket. So she is relying very heavily on you for contact with the outside world and adult conversation and you not being there has a big impact on her.

But the answer to this is not for you to trap yourself in the home with her but for you to gently encourage and facilitate her to expand her horizons. Might she consider an evening group? Book group, slimming club, craft club, yoga class? And you make the commitment to be home on time every week so she can go with no grumbling or making her feel she's putting you out. Or a Saturday morning exercise class - look at what's on at your local leisure centre.

I think she needs some help with this because she's lost her social confidence, which I suspect was never that high in the first place.

As others have said YADNBU!

I am the one in our family that has the social life and I wish my husband had things to do outside of work and fatherhood but he just hasn't kept in touch with friends and hasn't any hobbies except his xBox! I go to a regular weekly evening class and often meet up with friends at the weekend. Depending on the mood of our 2 year old twins I will either take them or one of them or leave them at home!

I also went away on a hen weekend when they were 4 months old - with his encouragement!

I always make sure I ask him before arranging anything though - not for permission but as a courtesy as he will either have 1 or both of the girls and they are bloody hard work!!

I would be worried about your wife's lack of wanting to do anything other than be a mother. Was she like that before you had children (not often go out for dinner or socialise)? Has she lost confidence or become depressed?

Pete it all sounds fine to me. But I guess there is a miss match in your expectations.

I am assuming/hoping you ask her about the things you want to do, before committing to them. Not assuming she will be happy to parent alone when you want to go out/away? If this is the case I do not think you are being unreasonable.

If you do not check with her first then I think you should.

However, I feel here is an issue...

"My wife has almost no social life as it's never been something she has been particularly interested in. She'd always prefer to stay in rather than go out, so there can never be any reciprocal long weekend away for her (which I can see might grate) ..."

I feel your wife is missing out, have you encouraged her to do more. I know it is her choice but I feel long run this will be bad for her. Too isolated and when your kids are older and need her less (proportionately) she may struggle more to adapt, IMHO.

"...but does that mean I should never see my friends?"

No, of course it does not mean you should never see your friends.

I do think it would be worth having a really honest conversation together about how she would like all this to pan out. Does she simply not want you to go out or away at all? Would she like to do something but feels anxious or scared. Having kids can do that.

I think she is doing herself a disservice by not developing some kind of social life where she is. Whether it is a book group, writers circle, running or walking club, evening classes, anything.

It's also really handy as the kids get older to be friends with their friends mums (and dads).

(And Pete despite being warned that you will get lots of anti-men answers on here, you have not! I am a woman, a feminist and my husband does running, and I don't think you are being selfish based on what I have read so far!)

YANBU

It doesn't sound like tentime that you spend away from your family is unreasonable, particularly if you're training in your lunch break on workdays and it's not unreasonable to plan a weekend away or other things every now and then.

However I do wonder whether your DW is feeling isolated and maybe that's playing a part in her grumbling about you being away? I did also wonder whether perhaps you've noticed a change in her moods and behaviour? Has she always been a homebird or is it since having children? Does she often lack interest in doing things? Could she be low in mood or self esteem by any chance?

I think that this may be a situation where you need to talk it out calmly so that you both know where you're coming from. You're not being unreasonable, but in the other hand, your wife may not be either. If it's a case that she just wants to stay in with the DC and that's her preference then she needs to see that that choice shouldn't dictate to you that you should do the same, but if there's an underlying issue which has caused her to not want to go out or show interest in other things, perhaps that's something you can support her with.

Personally I think it's healthy for each part of a couple to have their own interests and spend time doing things that they enjoy away from each other but that only works if both parties are happy with that and both feel appreciated.

I don't think YABU, you work and deserve downtime, she could also have that but chooses not to.

But this ... my wife has made the decision to stop working (which she's delighted with and I'm fairly happy with too) stood out to me. That doesn't sound like you're on board with it,/ it was discussed.

I think the weekend away would stress me out a bit if I was your wife, 4 months can be when the baby's sleep goes tits up and I used to really look forward to the weekend and having my dh around to help out and let me nap etc etc.

Does she have other people who can support her that weekend? Family etc?

I don't think yabu at all; it's very healthy to have separate interests and lives as well as time together.

And frankly all adults should get regular exercise. I cannot understand why anyone would begrudge you for running a few times a week. It should be as much a part of an adults routine as eating, sleeping and cleaning.

I would feel concerned about your wife. Has she always been so insular or has she recently become this way? The only times I've ever wanted to shut myself away so much were when I was depressed and the thought of getting out of the house was too much. How is her mood?