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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I behaving selfishly?

124 replies

PeteinSQ · 05/02/2017 20:32

My wife and I have two children. Our eldest is 6 and a half and the youngest is 3 months.

My wife feels that I'm a bit selfish and I wanted to get some broader opinions as too whether my behaviour is acceptable or if it is indeed selfish.

I work full time and my wife has made the decision to stop working (which she's delighted with and I'm fairly happy with too). As a consequence my wife does the majority of the housework. I do cook on the weekends and will do laundry and washing up but the bulk of this work falls on her shoulders.

I have one hobby which is running and I've planned a couple of 10k races in the next few months. I'm also going for a long weekend away with my friends (this is something we do about once a year), but I literally never go for nights out otherwise, never go to the pub. The only other non family thing I have planned is to go to a football match with my mum in two months.

My wife accuses me of having loads of things planned and not thinking of her or the boys. Is she right? Obviously I don't really think she is but I've only got my own experience to go on.

My wife has almost no social life as it's never been something she has been particularly interested in. She'd always prefer to stay in rather than go out, so there can never be any reciprocal long weekend away for her (which I can see might grate) but does that mean I should never see my friends?

/Rant

OP posts:

BackforGood · 05/02/2017 21:02

YANBU at all, but youve come to the wrong site for a fair and reasonable opinion on this - the vast majority of MNers always side with the woman every time this question is asked whether it is the woman or the man who wants to go out / do a hobby

EmiliaAirheart · 05/02/2017 21:03

It means that she has no time to call her own, the assumption that she will always pick up the slack means that her job never ends and she can't really make plans or even assume that she has an hour to herself that she can schedule.

In most relationships, she would be able to assume the same thing about her partner, and make plans accordingly. When they're both away for one weekend each, each partner covers a weekend of home life. Then the other 50 weeks are shared as usual. In this kind of set up, I don't see the problem.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 05/02/2017 21:03

YANBU, given you are spending 99% of your non-working time with your family. Your wife seems to think you should never leave the house for anything else, just because she doesn't.

As for the suggestions that the OP should arrange some stuff for his wife...she is an adult. If she wants time to herself, I'm sure she can arrange it perfectly well. How infantilising to suggest otherwise.

Slimmingsnake · 05/02/2017 21:04

Try talking to her,this might be about her being a new mum again, and not feeling confident to be left with both dc alone ,so early on...if the baby was a year old or so I would agree with you totally...but as baby is only 3 months I feel it might all be a bit much for her..it probably would of been a bit much for me at that point .tbh

trinketsofgold · 05/02/2017 21:04

My key word was the other parent being unavailable
Not really other parent not being assed.

It's 4 weekends. She has 40 odd other weekends to call her own.

Tbh I'm a SAHP and often assumed my DH will look after the kids when I'm out having fun. Why do I need to ask his permission??

Fairenuff · 05/02/2017 21:05

It would only be selfish if you made these plans without consulting her. In terms of the time commitment, it seems reasonable to me.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 05/02/2017 21:05

Don't worry op, you'll get negativity on this site just because you're a man.
Yanbu, you don't have to give up your hobby because you have kids. Your wife, however, is BU by making you feel guilty about it.
To everyone saying that it's because you don't make plans with your family, you've clearly stated you do things on weekends. If your wife wants a social life then great, I'm sure you'll be willing to be there with the kids, but if she doesn't want that it doesn't give her a right to stop you from having a life!

fassbendersmistress · 05/02/2017 21:06

I don't think YABU at all. My DH does similar to you. It's vital for his general fitness and mental health that he gets out and does his own thing from time to time. The difference perhaps for us is that I insist I get the same. I also run and enter the odd race or have girls weekends away. We definitely get along better and are better parents for doing this. And this really does not take up most of our time - that is mostly spent together with our DC.

I think you need to explain the benefits to your wife and encourage her to think about getting some time back for herself once she stops breastfeeding. Emphasis the benefit of exercise, or indeed another stimulating hobby, for her mental well-being (without of course suggesting you think she is currently mentally unwell). And you need to make sure you can make yourself available to support that. But I really don't think it sounds like you are being selfish at this stage. 2 parents who never get out, just because one feels hard done by, is a recipe for disaster.

OnionKnight · 05/02/2017 21:06

You've been out together three times? Is that because she's choosing to not go out? In which case YADNBU, just because she chooses to stay in it doesn't mean that you can't have a social life either.

Clarabell33 · 05/02/2017 21:08

She can't/won't go out without the children - so have a date at home. Make an effort, make a nice dinner (or favourite takeaway), get a film she wants to see... basically just do something for her. All of it - including the tidying up

Does she dislike socialising, or is she just a bit passive about organising things? E.g. DH likes doing stuff with friends but cba going out often, so we visit or have friends to stay and have grown-up dinner once all the kids are in bed. Did this from when DS was about 6weeks and it was great - 'free' socialising for me without leaving DS, being able to feed comfortably, fall asleep on my own sofa, wake up and rejoin the conversation...

Also, do you ever take the baby out to give her a break? If I was around whe DS was tiny, he didn't want his dad because The Boob was there I swear he could smell it three floors away. But if someone took him for a walk, he would sleep or burble away happily and I'd get a real break instead of a guilty 20min flopped on the bed while he screamed at his poor dad.

YouTheCat · 05/02/2017 21:09

I don't think yabu.

You make sure she has time to herself. You don't take the piss. You spend time with your family.

Have you asked her what she wants?

bunnylove99 · 05/02/2017 21:10

YANBU. It sounds like you are doing plenty to help at home and having a total of 4 activities planned in the next few months sounds reasonable to me. You are both fortunate to be in a position where your wife has been able to stop working and in the long run things should be pretty easy for her. However, having a 3 month breastfeeding baby is demanding so perhaps she is just feeling a bit low at the moment and resentful that you are able to go out and do things independently when she is not. Perhaps suggesting things she might go and do herself for a break or something you can do together might help.

EssieTregowan · 05/02/2017 21:11

How ridiculous.

My dh does a martial arts class twice a week, has a band practice every fortnight and gigs most weekends. He still plays a hugely active role in parenting and we spend loads of time together.

He works bloody hard and deserves downtime. I'm a SAHM with kids at school and all I get is downtime. I know it's slightly different for your wife as you have a very young dc, but she basically has all day every day to do stuff she wants and it sounds like you do spend plenty of family time together.

MrsBlennerhassett · 05/02/2017 21:11

Shes probably just lonely and isolated and feels left out maybe even jealous. I dont think you are being selfish. It would be selfish if you werent happy if she did the equivalent however it sounds like you would be happy for her to have time to herself but she isnt interested?

Userone1 · 05/02/2017 21:11

Yanbu

Your wife needs to find some interests of her own.

sotiredbutworthit · 05/02/2017 21:12

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm the wife. The difference is I have absolutely no problem with my hubby having a weekend away. He works as hard as I do - just at work not in the home!! I do more childcare as I don't work at the moment, he does what he can at home. I don't have much of a social life away from the kids but that's fine by me! Why would I begrudge my hubby a well earned break?! As long as if I wanted some time away, he would support me what's the problem? Your wife is a grown woman. It's unreasonable for her to expect you to be by her side every free min you have. She needs to communicate to you if she has a problem/ issues.

OnceIWas7YearsOld · 05/02/2017 21:12

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Obsidian77 · 05/02/2017 21:12

It's irrelevant what other people think, your wife thinks you're being unreasonable. She's best placed to make that evaluation and doesn't sound happy.

NoCleanClothes · 05/02/2017 21:13

Depends how much running you do but the number of events you have planned doesn't sound unreasonable. But I can understand you're wife being annoyed if you're also out running every evening.

Is the problem perhaps that you just book things without even asking her? I think as a matter of mutual respect you should check with your wife that she's OK to have the kids alone for the weekend before booking stuff up - Im sure she would do the same if there was something she needed to do which involved you taking care of the kids.

Does she get enough time to herself (even if its in the house - having a bath or reading a book)?

GallivantingWildebeest · 05/02/2017 21:13

Yabu! You have been completely reasonable. Your life doesn't have to end when you have a DC...

I couldn't live like your wife, tbh, but if that's what she wants then fair enough - but then she can't complain that you have a social life and she doesn't.

Has she always been like this, or did she have a social life and see friend s before you had DC? Does she have friends? Are you happy together?

GallivantingWildebeest · 05/02/2017 21:14

Sorry - YANBU!

holidaysaregreat · 05/02/2017 21:18

YANBU and it isn't your fault that she has chosen to be a SAHM & has no social life. Most people with babies have a bit of a daytime social life - so meeting up in coffee shops/soft play/parks etc.. and so have plenty of people to chat to. It sounds quite stifling if you spend literally all weekend together & I assume you get very little time to yourself. Would she not prefer some down time herself & then that would make it easier for you to head out? Agree with other posters saying your fitness can only be a good thing. When ours were tiny my OH would go for a swift pint at teatime Friday (witching hour) then disappear most of the day Saturday either to watch or play footie and then play again on the Sunday. You sound pretty considerate to me,

Fruitboxjury · 05/02/2017 21:19

YADNBU.

I am a sahm and think one weekend or two is nothing to worry about, and your hobby is one that is good for your health and mostly free. It's also flexible and doesn't take long, for example a 10k run takes approx 1 hour anytime of day. Far better than being in eg local football team in my mind!

The one thing I would say is that 3monthd into new baby is a very difficult time. Still hormones flying everywhere and fatigue really starting to set in.

now therefore not the best time to argue this with her. I would say as long as you're helping out as much as poss, doing everything she needs of you and trying to encourage her to find time for herself as well, just keep doing what you're doing. Your health is important for all of you. There's an argument everyone is a better spouse/parent/employee etc with space for themselves

1frenchfoodie · 05/02/2017 21:20

Sounds like your annual weekend away, football match and couple of races have just all come together in the diary at a time when your wife is perhaps finding her rhythm with 2 kids rather than one. Breastfeeding in the early days when your LO is unlikely to sleep through can be knackering so maybe it is the tiredness speaking.

YANBU to do these things though. Unless the 10ks are really far away it isn't even a full day out.

Pinotwoman82 · 05/02/2017 21:20

I've been a SAHM and whilst I love my children dearly it is pure drudgery, do you ever have the children once every month for example for her to go and have her hair done, or for her to just have a wander around the shops and a coffee, just simple things like that to give her a little bit of a break

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