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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is 36 too old to start a family?

123 replies

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 05/02/2017 17:07

I'm 36 in 4 weeks, DP will be 37 about the same time.

We need ICSI to have a chance at kids, and I need to drop a lot of weight before we are eligible. Think 5 stone.

My DP is worried that we're getting too old to think about starting a family. I'm beginning to doubt myself on this element of the many issues we're up against, as I didn't think it bothered me. Apparently it does a little.

So is 36 too old? How did you find it?

(Massive assumptions here that in the next 13 months I can get the weight off, actually conceive in the one attempt at ICSI on the NHS and carry to term etc. I may well be 37 by then).

OP posts:
honeylulu · 05/02/2017 20:16

I know lots of mums who had their first circa age 37-39 and then went on to have one (or often two) more. So it's not too old, and you'll be in good company these days.
I had my youngest at age 40 - best thing ever.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 05/02/2017 20:17

No. I had mine at 40 and 41 after trying for years.

Never had any negative comments. Wouldn't give a shit if I did.

KermitRuffinsTrumpet · 05/02/2017 20:34

I was 37 and 39. I'm now 42 and want more but my husband doesn't agree.

herecomesthsun · 05/02/2017 20:53

If I met DH in my 20s, I'd have started then.

We got together when I was 40. I had DS when I was 44 and DD when I was nearly 48.

I was really worried about the babies when I was pregnant though, the younger the better you are in many ways really. But if you long to be a mum and this is where you are then keep trying, you're not too old.

I have another friend who could fall pregnant, also having got with her partner quite late. They adopted 2 children, each as a baby, and seem very happy.

As regards losing weight, what a powerful incentive and it will be good in many ways, regardless of exactly what happens with pregnancy and babies. So putting energy into that would be a really good idea.

Good luck Flowers

HerRoyalNotness · 05/02/2017 20:55

It's only something you can answer.

I had babies at 34, 37 and 41. Due our last and she will be born just after I'm 44. I'm knackered and probably would have liked to start earlier, but that's how my life panned out.

LillyLollyLandy · 05/02/2017 21:11

I had my babies at 34, 37 and 39 (two weeks before my 40th birthday). A number of my friends were in their 40s before having their first child, so no, 36 is not too old at all.

Good luck!

BringMeTea · 05/02/2017 21:14

Oh OP definitely not too old. Most of my friends were 38-40 with their first. Go for it! (disclaimer, hnrtft).

QueSera · 05/02/2017 21:20

It's definitely not too old! I had my DD at 40. But get a move on if you're going to do it - there are any number of issues that can make it difficult, and the clock is ticking over 35. If you encounter problems, you just have less time to sort them than you would if you started trying at say 30. As an older parent I don't find that I'm any more tired than younger parents, or less energy, just keep fit and healthy. But be prepared - it is the best thing I've ever done, but it is far and away the hardest thing in the world to raise children. It tests your sanity, relationship, etc beyond all imagination. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Figgygal · 05/02/2017 21:28

I was 36 last month have ds2 3months and ds1 5
I'm much more tired this time round, notice I'm suddenly oldest in room at any class we go to (baby massage, swimming and music with mummy), the weight definitely is harder to shift this time too. I'll be 40 when ds2 starts school.

It is different for everyone but I don't think I'd want to start at this age.

museumum · 05/02/2017 21:34

I had my ds at 36. I turned 37 when he was 2mo old. In my group there were four of us with first children roughly the same age (37, 36, 36 and 35).
Out of the four of us I don't want another child, one now has a second (at 39) but the other two have been unable to have a second with no known reason why, one has tried ivf with no success.
So when you say "start a family" I guess that might be ok but depending how many children you want you may struggle to complete your desired number. One of my friends who is struggling had wanted three 🙁
I would advise approaching this as one possible pregnancy at a time and try to accept you may not be lucky or you may be lucky once only.

CactusFred · 05/02/2017 21:35

I was 39 when I had ds. He'll be the only one as the birth traumatised me but pregnancy was easy and I love him to pieces and wouldn't be without him.

IMO if you can conceive you're young enough! (Fertility issues aside obvs)

EveOnline2016 · 05/02/2017 21:41

Are you on any birth control ATM. If so I would come off it and see if anything happens while you lose weight and wait for the fertility treatment.

DelphineCormier · 05/02/2017 21:41

I was 47 thought I'd hit menopause. So much so I was a long way gone before I realised, but that's another story. It can happen. I totally agree there are no guarantees though, I didn't deliberately leave it that late.

WobblyLondoner · 05/02/2017 21:42

Didn't meet my husband til I was 38, had my son at 39. Best of luck.

DearTeddyRobinson · 05/02/2017 21:54

Pfft I was a month off my 38th birthday when I had dc1. Dc2 was born about 10 days after I turned 41. You have plenty of time to lose the weight and pop out a couple of sprogs before your 40th Wink

farfallarocks · 05/02/2017 22:21

No way too old! I also got pregnant both times whilst doing lots of excercise!

mimishimmi · 05/02/2017 22:36

It's the norm these days rather than the exception.

Cheby · 05/02/2017 22:47

I'll be 36 very soon and am about to pop out DC2. Plenty of my friends of the same age having their first this year. Good luck!

jobanana · 05/02/2017 22:49

36 ... OMG. No, of course it's not too old!!!!!!! So many people start in their mid to late 30s now.

Allow yourself to hope. That is your first step. Hope. Please. And think you're actually young compared to lots of mothers. I know so many women who had their first children aged 39/40 and now have 4 kids. 36 is noTHING. It's fine. It's actually a good time. Get on with it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/02/2017 22:58

waddles in at 32w preg and 43 Shock Grin

mother nature didnt play ball with me,actually wanted to be 33, but 4 private failed ivf later , the 5th finally worked

good luck with dieting and then icis

Ginxed · 05/02/2017 23:00

I was 39 when I had my ivf twins, 22 years after my infertility diagnosis. I wasn't the oldest mum in my NCT group either!

flumpybear · 06/02/2017 12:32

By the way if you lose weight it really helps boost fertility - you don't need to be thin, I'd definitely not wait if I was really serious - get off contraception, start losing weight, take folic acid and vitamins for pregnancy and see what happens whilst you're slimming down Wink

ginorwine · 06/02/2017 12:36

No not at all
I had my two at 35 and 36
My aunt at 43 !

Original poster
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 06/02/2017 12:43

Thanks ladies. We were trying for 2 years before we saw the consultant. It would have been lovely if my GP had mentioned a year ago that a referral would need me to lose the weight!

Anyway, DP has a catastrophic sperm count and zero mobile sperm - literally not one, so I'm afraid there will be no miracles or surprise babies here.

ICSI is our only chance.

OP posts:
mayhew · 06/02/2017 12:45

As a midwife, I've had several clients planning Ivf who have conceived in the preparation period. Even some who were told their problems were major. This was because
: they lost weight, which improves fertility by improving hormone regulation in both men and women
: they improved their diets, which again improves the sperm quality and uterine environment
: they had more sex! Because they felt better and maybe because the pressure to conceive was off.