To wonder if you're one of the older members of a large family you ever stop and think

[PlayOnWurtz]

No more kids please mum and dad!

How much were you expected to do to support them?

I don't think making children cook, clean, childmimd makes them better adults. Friends whose parents let them just be children managed equally when we left home as you don't need to do tasks over and over to know how to do something.

Parents are allowed to say their children are happy and enjoying their childhood. We all make calls on what our children do/don't like or who they are all the time. 'DD wouldn't like to sleep away from home yet' 'DS isn't responsible enough to babysit' 'DD is a shy child'. Because we know our children. What I think is frustrating for posters here is being told that their children are miserable and will be miserable as adults and studies show they're damaged and they as parents are selfish and neglectful. If I kept saying 'only children are miserable' and you as a mother of an only child said 'my daughter's not' but I kept saying SHE IS, honestly, you don't get to decide if she's happy with her life, she'll grow up to be miserable like me, studies show she's miserable' and you kept saying 'but I KNOW my daughter and she's happy' and we kept shouting you down saying you lived in a fantasy land...eventually you'd probably get pissed off. I do know if my children are happy or miserable. I'm their parent. I know them better than anyone else.

I have never met a parent of a big family who would even consider that it might not be ideal for the children. One thing they have on common is absolute arrogance, and absolute inability to consider their children's true needs. Narcissistic all of them ugh

The point of the thread however was calling children of large families to give their experience, not parents of large families to give their perception of their childrens experience.

If it has been hard for anyone to read then I think you need to ask yourself why. As a parent of a larger family I can see some of the things that posters here have mentioned and I will try harder to address this.

Mine might well judge when they are in their 40s but right now in their 20s they are more than happy with their lot. One is home at moment with boyfriend for a GP training interview in London. She says house feels quiet. Then she grew up with a house where friends were always welcome and there was always someone to play with/talk to.
Two of the others are joining us with their boyfriend/girlfriend over the weekend just because they want to come home. The twins are home a lot but more independent of the other four - more self contained as a pair within a larger familiy.

There are very well documented advantages to both big families and singleton families. Less well documented evidence of any research around the benefits of split and reconstituted families. Nobody else's place to criticise that we chose to have a larger family or why. We're not dependent on benefits, our children are successful by anyone's measure. Our children are happy and mainly healthy. We did/do a good job of parenting.

I also don't think it is a coincidence that my BIL (1 of 14) and my friend (1 of 8) have small families as do a number of their siblings.

They don't reflect fondly on their childhoods and it was nothing to do with finances either

14

Can you imagine the socks? Sock pairing prevented my mother having a 4th

Can you imagine the socks?

The issues over wedding invites over the years has certainly been interesting.

I don't understand the posts about not having enough time for your children - my 4 kids seem perfectly happy playing with each other and get more than enough time with their parents.

Take this afternoon/evening:
I finish work and pick 3 DC up from school and youngest DC from childcare.
Big 2 eat and jump in the pool, younger two read stories with me and then play interactively with each other while I cook, read school correspondence etc.
Everyone eats.
Youngest does school readers with DH who then reads the younger two stories, bath then bed
I do dishes, sort washing etc while older two do homework and chat about their day
I read to older two (who are capable of reading independently, but we enjoy it)
All kids asleep, I do some work then read with a glass of wine then bed.

All kids swim, one in a sqad, the older two are very smart and in extension groups for both maths and English. We are all involved in sports on both weekend days. Both older two do drama and one sings in a choir.

They all play and squabble and snuggle and laugh together. The older two drop the 3rd to her classroom every morning but have no other day-to-day responsibilities.

It's busy but not chaotic.

nolonger
I don't think many people would consider 4 a particularly large family. Try doubling the number and see if you would still have time. Try tripling it and see if you would still have time (DH was one of 12).

I don't understand the posts about not having enough time for your children - my 4 kids seem perfectly happy playing with each other and get more than enough time with their parents.

4 is very different to 8, 12, 14 which is what is being talked about.

4 is not a big family. I was thinking about this last night, it has ongoing repercussions over time in that none of the grandchildren have their grandparents at assemblies/xmas plays etc. as there are so MANY OF THEM (20+) they don't get any time to build an individual relationship with grandparents.
Nobody has a house big enough (except parents) to host dinner for everyone, there's no babysitting duties (my mum looked after eldest 2 when i gave birth to third, that was it pretty much) none of the things that I read about on here- and of course, if you have 20+ grand kids then remembering who's studying what/ playing what instrument etc. is not easy to keep a track of either.

Another blob of identikids.

Round here a few families have 4 surely upper end of "normal'. Only one family has 6 - they are Spanish and seen as exotic. Don't know anyone with 6 plus anecdotally.

I think nolongersurprised makes a good point regardless of how many children she's talking about when she outlines her evening. People sometimes seem to imagine 8/9/10 children as all being very young needy children at the same time and there only being til 7pm bedtime to fit everything in.

In a family of 10 children there is likely to be a 20 year gap between oldest and youngest. Their needs are very different. It's possible to chat to the toddler and 4 year old about their days as you put them to bed with a cuddle and a story at 7ish. Then do homework with the 7 and 9 year olds while you feed the baby. Then deal with the 12 and 14 year old teen strops and stop them killing each other over who wore whose top. Then drive the 16 year old to his drama club, talking to him in the car about the fight he had with his girlfriend. And then get home and ring your 18 year old to see how she's getting on at uni. It's not as if they all need the same thing at the same time. Yes that's a busy evening, but that's how life is as part of a big family. It does require co-operation and patience and sometimes waiting your turn as one of the children. I don't think those are bad skills to learn.

hoddtastic I cannot agree that grandparents aren't able to form relationships when there are lots of children involved. My grandmother had a huge number of grandchildren, we had a fantastically close relationship, I saw her every week of my life. At her funeral every single grandchild was there and we were all bereft at our collective and individual loss.

My own mother babysits for me regularly, I can't think of anyone I would rather leave my children with - after all she has more experience than any 5 or 6 posters on here put together.

Yes that's a busy evening, but that's how life is as part of a big family. It does require co-operation and patience and sometimes waiting your turn as one of the children. I don't think those are bad skills to learn.

As I and pp have said, you are looking at it from the parents point of view.

Look at it from the child's point of view. It isn't always so wonderful.

The people I know with large families, when asked about why they nor their siblings have large families themselves, the first answer is always their childhood.

It also isn't always the case that 10 children are spread out over 20 years either. It can be and often is, a lot closer than that.

The point of the thread however was calling children of large families to give their experience, not parents of large families to give their perception of their childrens experience.

This. I'd expect parents who have chosen to have a very large family to insist their kids loved it, otherwise I presume those parents would not have deliberately had such a large family. It's the grown-up kids' perspectives I'm interested in.

Piglet and Archery. I AM a child of a large family. I AM NOT a parent of a large family. I am giving my perspective on what it was like to grow up in a large family. That's how my mum's evening would look.

Piglet ''you and pp'' are WRONG to say I am looking at it from the parents perspective. I have said this more than once. When I speak about how it is for parents, I am saying as a child growing up in a large family, this is how my parents did it. HTH.

To those you are saying that 4 isn't large - I agree but lots of people in the thread thus far have talked about their experiences of 4, both as parents and children which led me to infer that for many, 4 does seem quite large.

When I speak about how it is for parents, I am saying as a child growing up in a large family, this is how my parents did it. HTH.

And what I and pp have said, is that for many it isn't the case and it isn't a happy childhood.

HTH

Piglet eh? This thread asked for experiences of growing up in a large family. I am providing my experience of growing up in a large family, as evidenced by (as you have quoted me) this is how my parents did it. What's your problem?

You were wrong in telling me to look at it from the child's point of view. I did and am. You are now saying I'm not allowed to say I was happy, because lots of others are saying they weren't?

Hope you are able to read this as you seem to be struggling.

HTH is so unpleasant and aggressive.

Is it perhaps significant that the parents of larger families have leapt in defensively when the OP is asking for the impressions of children who had to do their growing up in such situations? I agree with the poster who said many such parents are narcissistic. It's all about "me me me"

Its no more or less significant than the uproar that was caused six months or so ago when only child families were criticised by adult only children.

Parents of onlies leapt up defensively when their family model was suggested to be less than ideal from a childs perspective.

Irrespective of significance its hardly surprising.

People dont like strangers on the internet berating their parenting either overtly or inadvertently.

Perhaps theyre all narcissists and only those with two children are free of personality disorders?

Or perhaps people just have an aversion to arrogance and bitterness.

Cara - HTH.