To wonder if you're one of the older members of a large family you ever stop and think

[PlayOnWurtz]

No more kids please mum and dad!

How much were you expected to do to support them?

I grew up in a larger family and I have one now. I'm sure my parents did spend less time with us then if there were less of us but tbh i'd have found anymore stifling. I love my parents and love their company but I always wanted time and space to play with siblings/friends/individually too.
I sometimes wonder if mine get enough 1-2-1 but then I wonder how much they're supposed to have? They all have a bit every day but my sole purpose isn't to entertain them and i'm quite happy they manage to entertain themselves and each other too.

It is nasty definitely but it's also just filled with wrong. People are very thick about population growth. Big families are fine.

I am the 3rd eldest in a 6 child family. Love that I have my brothers and sisters. We always had each other to entertain. Learnt a lot of things, more so because the second oldest wasn't prepared to. Didn't do much babysitting as our mum hardly went out but did housework. Infact quite enjoyed it (yes strange child). My mum love her was going through quite a bad time mentally especially after her last child. I dont think she really wanted so many kids but my father did.
I wouldn't have the energy to look after six kids. I find it hard with three. My upbringing has nothing to do with this. If I felt well enough to have more maybe I would. Then again I think why not spend more time with the ones I have and maybe help someone else out as well.
I know someone with 7 kids (didnt plan on having big family)and she uses the eldest 3 children to babysit, do housework and do the shopping. She does feel bad about this but does point out their learning life skills. She is generous to them in other ways and feels when the youngest (baby) is a little older she will be able to do more herself. Not that she doesn't pull her weight especially when her kids are in school. To be fair her kids are lovely and they're so use to helping their mother it comes as second nature.

Yes, it's a shame this thread has degenerated into mud slinging. I found it so interesting to begin with.

I am an only child and it was and is totally shit. I maintain that people who have onlies out of choice are selfish most of the time.

I have 4. Nobody babysits, nobody is miserable and nobody is left out. They actually do, genuinely, love having each other. There will be support and family for them for life.
I, however, will be entirely alone when my mother dies. That's a lovely thought.

The one thing I have learnt from MN is some people judge their parents very harshly, and don't expect their own DC to do the same

MN in 20 years...
'AIBU to think DP should have had more DC so they didn't feel the need to inflict themselves on me. All. The. Fucking. Time!'

Well im just returning to the thread now because honestly around right now is when i get to sit of an evening, what with having five DC and not actually using them as gratis labour

"Why all the popping out kids"?
Well look Cara primarily I'm fortunately very fertile, I was also lucky to do very well academically and to be in the position to afford to start motherhood at an early age whilst being financially solvent.

I love children, my OH loves children and large families (hes the eldest of six)

But the pervading reason is truthfully that I was really rather unhappy as an only child.

My mothery has antiphospholipid syndrome and suffered multiple miscarriages, including one late term.
I myself was born at 30 weeks gestation in 1983 and its a miracle that she was able to carry me to that point.

My father died suddenly and tragically at a young age and my mum and I are all each other have in the way of family.

I had children in part to gift my mum the family that she wasn't able to attain which seemed a good way to try to bring some joy to her life after the agony she suffered when my dad died.

She in turn is very involved with my DC which they benefit from immensely as I'm certain that you can appreciate.

Those who are going on about selfishness of population expansion etc...presumably you've had no children (which begs the question why are you on a parenting site?)

Honestly I find it baffling all this chat about childhood being stolen by being forced to help out with babies/chores/cooking. We took it in turns to make a meal during the week (supervised by a parent when needed) and contributed to the family in a number of ways. Suffice to say, at uni I was one of the only people in halls who could cook for myself and do my own washing. Equally I was the only person of 16 in my NCT class who had much or any experience in bathing/changing/feeding babies, something which I feel helped enormously when it came to breastfeeding (having the confidence to see it as the norm and very possible although not always easy) nappy changing, general confidence around childcare. I don't understand why this is seen as such a negative. I hope my kids will be competent in those areas, they'll only achieve that with a bit of hard work and experience and if I can facilitate that I can only think I'm doing them a favour.

purpletears

What a gorgeous sentiment.

Your siblings are the best present ?
What a lovely way to view them.

havecourage sorry you're not allowed to say it's nice to have siblings. Rein it in. Your children are fucking miserable and neglected I think you'll find. And despite you thinking they're happy, they're actually not and will be very miserable as adults and blame you. Have you not RTFT??

Gosh there are some bitter and resentful people on here. Maybe jealousy at our joyful larger families?

• Mine love being part of a brood. They mostly want four each.
• Dim, no my husband and I both have doctorates. The (adult) children all have fairly exceptional attainment.
• Poor ? I was growing up but now, most definitely not. In the 1%
• Small, overcrowded house? Which one? Our main house has 9 bedrooms.
• Never claimed benefits.
• Children are delightful adults who talk of a charmed childhood splashing in rivers and climbing mountains.

Of course there are some larger families where the children suffer because of poverty and lack of attention. Just don't generalise and put us all in the same basket. Plenty of miserable singletons living in poverty too.

Are you the person whose bedroom is a hotel room?

Of course if you are rich you can pay for nannies and your children will be able to have their own bedroom and lots of space for privacy. But this is unusual.

I think with 13 pages of people saying parents of large families are selfish and neglectful and their kids are miserable, I have the right to be defensive and say no, that's not the case for me, or for many people I know.

If a poster is speaking as someone who came from a large family and their memories were overwhelmingly positive then yes, they do have that right - after all, that was the whole point of the thread, to poll opinions on people who came from large families.

What you don't have the right to do, as someone who has chosen to have a very large brood, is to speak for your own children about how you perceive their experience. And it seems so many on this thread are doing just that.

Loads of you want to tell us how wonderfully structured, supportive, happy and functional your own household is and how deliriously happy and well rounded all your children are. How everyone gets equal amounts of love and attention and everything ticks over exactly the same as it would in 2 or 3 child family. That it's the epitome of calm and orderliness, no chaos to be seen, or that the chaos and the noise is in fact 'happy, noisy chaos.'

That is your opinion, not theirs, and you would say that, wouldn't you? Because the alternative is to have to consider that perhaps your unusual and self centred choices may have impacted badly on your children.

Chances are, most children won't even be able to articulate or rationalise how they feel about being one of many siblings until they are young adults themselves. Children just accept whatever conditions are inflicted on them and to them it's normal. That includes neglect and abuse, domestic violence, having a mentally ill or drug addicted parent, having no father around, poverty, chaos, filth, very little food in the cupboards, no structured family mealtimes, being left alone for hours on end at a young age, spending more time in childcare settings than they spend with their own parents, having endless material wealth and privilege but very little attention and affection....all perfectly 'normal' to them. But 'normal' isn't the same as right, or ideal.

It's the same with a child's experience of having 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 siblings. It might turn out to be a great and positive thing in their opinion, when they are old enough to look back and really think about if from a slightly more detached perspective. Or they might conclude that it was shit and they still carry baggage and resentment from it.

But please don't speak for them, or assume to know how they feel or are going to feel.

What you don't have the right to do, as someone who has chosen to have a very large brood, is to speak for your own children about how you perceive their experience. And it seems so many on this thread are doing just that.

I have an almost adult child, (how the hell did I get old enough so quickly for that?) and we have spoken about it a lot and he enjoys our big family. So does my nearly 14 and 16 year old. None of them are shy talking about how they feel and being honest.

The younger two are happy, they love their siblings so yes, I do get to speak for them until they prove me any differently.

My children all have separate friendship groups but they choose (not the almost 18 year old as much these days) to come together and hang out together so there is a big group of them. At their ages they have opportunities to get away from each other when they socialise, yet they choose to socialise together for the most part. When they were younger and I tried to do days out with just one of them they always asked for their siblings to come.

They are incredibly close and yes, they might well have things they find negative about it but I do get to speak for them and say they aren't unhappy about coming from a larger family. They have had things happen in their lives that have made them unhappy, things which have been a real struggle but it in those moments they have got much support from each other as well and it was lovely to see.

Some people here have shared good experiences, I have read equally as many good experiences from siblings of large families online as I have read negative ones. I am not going to focus on all the negative experiences, ignore the good ones and assume they might hate it deep down to please others.

I don't consider five to be all that bad to be honest, providing you can afford them and were coping well each time you chose to have the next. I think it's the people who are speaking for those children who are one of eight, nine and more that are irritating me. Five is more than I would have wanted or could have coped with, but it's not hugely excessive. I'd say five is the most you can have before people will start to seriously question your judgement and motives.

And you don't have to assume they hate it, I never said that. It's just not our place to assume our children adore their childhood and their particular family set up, just because we want them do.

It's the same as all the women on here who live in a blended family scenario who insist that it works and that their children are perfectly happy living with a step parent and step siblings.

Yet you speak to all those stepchildren (especially as adults years later) and they tell a very different story indeed.

It's the same as all the women on here who live in a blended family scenario who insist that it works and that their children are perfectly happy living with a step parent and step siblings.

Well, now you come to mention it

I do wonder what people are considering to be a large family. You don't think 5 is overly large but I get the impression that some do. On the large family board people think three is a large family.

It's a hard discussion to read really. No one enjoys reading all this negative stuff about a decision they have made. No more than someone with one child would enjoy a thread with people talking about how miserable it is being an only child, especially with some people making some pretty wrong assumptions about all large families.

I am going to bow out now, because it isn't doing me much good and I don't think there is anything to be gained from me carrying on reading it now.

Have a good day :) genuine comment and smile, not at all meant to come across as passive aggressive

magicchicken I am speaking as someone who came from a large family, not someone who has lots of children, so thank you for your approval of my sentiments

Some people on here need to stop thinking that all large families are the same and judging them based on their own crap childhoods.

My kids have had carefree childhoods and they are not mini au pairs ffs.

I'm sure they will have some things to moan about but that would be the case however many siblings they have.

"But the pervading reason is truthfully that I was really rather unhappy as an only child."

I always felt sad for DD that she would be an only, Not through choice in my case, but she was a miracle baby, given that I was told that I would struggle to conceive and carry a baby to full term. Thank goodness I didn't have access to the internet when I was expecting her, as I have since learned that my chances of having a successful pregnancy was only 20%.

Interestingly, at 16, she says she hates babies and doesn't want any.

I do feel rather envious of those of you with lots of siblings and cousins for your children to play with.

I think some of the more personal posts on both sides have been unpleasant but I do have to say that I think as a young adult (18?) you do still feel things are normal.

It didn't fully dawn on meant childhood hadn't been normal until well into my twenties.

Also a lot depends on personality type of the child. Some may adore being part of a jolly gang. Others may crave peace and alone time and resent younger siblings. Some may live in each other's pockets for life, others may be no contact. It's not the parents call to decide whether each of the children had a great childhood though (unfortunately) no matter how large your house or how many rivers you all ran through. Slightly dreading my twos verdict when they 40 ish