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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was MIL?

107 replies

JagerPlease · 05/02/2017 10:44

So last night DW and I went for our first evening out just the two of us since DS was born 6 months ago. We had theatre tickets for a show local to our house bought by my family over a year ago. MIL kindly offered to babysit so that we were leaving him with a familiar face for the first time, and we were very grateful.

We suggested MIL came a bit early so we could feed her and settle her in with DS. He has reflux (thank you to mumsnet for helping on our way to this diagnosis!) and generally only naps on people or out in the pram/sling. Instead she said she would bring her friend with her, and they ended up arriving 15 minutes before we were due to leave. Perhaps the first sign of how easy they were expecting the evening to be was the fact that they turned up with Scrabble.

DW fed DS right before we left to go for a pretty theatre drink. Within an hour or so MIL messaged to say everything was fine and they'd had given him a bottle.

45 minutes into the show DW got a message saying DS had been upset, they'd tried everything on our suggested list to get him to sleep and so had taken him out in the pram. He was now asleep but they thought we should be there when he woke up. DW replied to ask if MIL was asking us to come home now, and she confirmed she was.

So home we went to greet a sleeping baby. Who woke up cooing. Theatre tickets completely wasted.

Am I being ungrateful here or was MIL being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 05/02/2017 14:20

I have sympathy for both sides. Obviously you were looking forward to your first night out together, to do something special, and it was very disappointing to be summoned home. However I totally agree with pps that, just because your MIL is a mother, it is not reasonable to expect her to know how to cope with a six-month-old decades after she had one herself. Hers were different children, possibly requiring different treatment and times have changed hugely in expectations and practices of childcare. It sounds as if, until now, she has only handled the baby in your presence and not had any dole responsibility. It's obvious she panicked and doubted her ability to stop the baby crying once he woke up, and wanted to pre-empt that by asking you to come home. It's just a case of a lesson learned, I'm afraid.

Bettercallsaul1 · 05/02/2017 14:21

*sole

diddl · 05/02/2017 14:43

"If your babysitter makes you come home just as the play starts in order to look at a sleeping baby, they are a rubbish babysitter, no matter who they are!"

They were 45mins into the show having had drinks before that.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 05/02/2017 14:44

Does it matter whether it was 5 mins in or 45? It wasn't over and there was no actual need for them to leave, is the point!

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 05/02/2017 14:53

Basic's comment was spot on.
You ought to have tested the water first with a shorter visit initially. You already knew that MIL struggled even when you're in the house with her and the baby.
I think you're being a little unkind towards MIL and your desire for a night out made you rather blinkered. Just because she's the Grandma doesn't mean she will suddenly develop a new personality trait and cope beautifully with babysitting a small baby. Equally, she was a bit bonkers to agree to it but perhaps she thought that having her friend nearby would make the situation okay?

No real harm done. Lesson learnt, find someone else and have a trial run next time.

diddl · 05/02/2017 14:54

"Does it matter whether it was 5 mins in or 45?"

Well it had clearly not "just started" and they had actually had some time out together.

"there was no actual need for them to leave, is the point!"

No, but they decided to do so.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 05/02/2017 14:56

Because they were asked to, not because they wanted to.

"some time out together" is not really the point when they went to the theater and didn't get to see the play!

diddl · 05/02/2017 15:13

""some time out together" is not really the point when they went to the theater and didn't get to see the play!"

Well that's a risk you take when leaving a baby, isn't it?

Instead of asking if they should return home they could equally have said that he'd likely sleep for a couple of hours now.

Perhaps if they had gone to just the show?

But hindsight's a great thing!

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 05/02/2017 15:15

Well that's a risk you take when leaving a baby, isn't it?

It's a risk you take when leaving the baby with a not very good babysitter, yes.

Astoria7974 · 05/02/2017 15:20

Having had kids 30-40 years ago doesn't make someone a good or even an experienced baby sitter. I'm a bit better babysitter than my mum for example despite never having given birth to a baby, because I've done it for friends/family since I was a kid. I know I can manage a refluxing or a colicky or a teething baby. I even regularly babysit one child who's going through chemo and is in agony. My mum falls apart because as babies me and my siblings had no issues whatsoever

diddl · 05/02/2017 15:25

"It's a risk you take when leaving the baby with a not very good babysitter, yes."

Hopefully MIL won't offer anymore so it can be avoided in future.

Imchangingmyname · 05/02/2017 15:32

little I am really struggling to see how you can babysit a month old bf baby? I have one the same age and he is mostly sleeping or on the boob and gets agitated if he can't find said boob.

Unless their baby is used to bottles too. Or maybe I'm doing it all wrong, let me know if there's some magic solution! so I can have a glass of wine

Imchangingmyname · 05/02/2017 15:34

For what it's worth OP, mil was being U in my opinion.

The Scrabble and friend thing is weird and totally ott to have asked you to come back from the (very local) theatre.
I think she just wanted to get home.

measles64 · 05/02/2017 15:43

It can be intimidating baby sitting for your DIL the first time, you do not want to do anything to cause trouble so can be over cautious. Next time just go out for a quick drink, walk, and see how it goes. Do not write her off she may have thought she could not do right for doing wrong.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 05/02/2017 15:45

It can be intimidating baby sitting for your DIL the first time

DIL and DD. Why is that intimidating?

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2017 15:58

Possibly because they give you a whole list of instructions and then check whether you have followed them all. And because babysitting a six month old is intimidating. Yes I have two of my own but I never had to worry about following instructions or whether I would upset mum because I was mum (and even that doesn't stop some mums worrying).

Listening to a baby cry and feeling helpless is awful they clearly overestimated how easy someone who wasn't them would find it

BorrowedHeart · 05/02/2017 20:29

Basic you made up a scenario that didn't happen, got called out on it and are now getting defensive. Grow up, catch a grip and move on, we can see you are embarrassed but no need to make a show of yourself.

Daydream007 · 06/02/2017 18:03

MIL very unreasonable and out of touch with reality. My MIL and FIL did exactly the same thing an hour into a works Christmas doo. They phoned and told us we needed to come home as the baby wouldn't stop crying. We set off immediately and when we arrived home baby was fine. Needless to say we never asked them to babysit at night again as we'd never relax. Don't ask them again and tell them the reason why. Ridiculous.

nobodysnogslikejoebloggs · 06/02/2017 18:08

She's a crap babysitter. Had a similar experience with my MIL - frantic calls and texts when I was at something very important and couldn't get out of easily. Rushed home, all was fine. She had panicked in a rough 10 mins when she should have just got on with it. Lesson learnt tho - she's never baby sat again!

SingingInTheRainstorm · 06/02/2017 18:13

Sounds like it was more than she anticipated and felt it was too much hard work. I would be annoyed. She was there for babysitting duties, not a social with a friend.
Will the theatre let you rebook? Do you have other potential BS?

pollymere · 06/02/2017 19:47

My MIL did this to us when my dd was around one. We came back to find her being forcefed lumpy grey mince and green potatoes, crying her head off and our tickets wasted. Another babysitting adventure ended with my dd soiling herself by pooing in her pants. After that we just didn't let her babysit again. I think your MIL had a wholly unrealistic expectation of what it would entail to look after a baby. It also seems odd that your MIL fed your DS only an hour after the last feed. That would have made my dd throw up and get cramps. Her message was obviously an excuse to get out of it and its sad she felt she needed to treat you this way.

littleoysterslittleoysters · 06/02/2017 19:59

My Mother has other grandchildren has been a Mother herself (obviously) and is a Doctor and I had to come home the first time I went out when the baby was a year as he had one random vomit. She just panicked. Someone else's baby is a precious thing. Forgive her this once. Maybe a lunch date next time?

CasanovaFrankenstein · 06/02/2017 20:17

Don't think there is anything remarkable here... She probably panicked knowing about the reflux - that's probably why she brought a friend, for support (yes I know you said the friend gets in on most things). Scrabble? Maybe they were thinking it would be better than having the tv on. Find all the very negative responses a bit baffling tbh. It's frustrating re the theatre tickets but having had a nightmare wake up baby I avoided this type of thing until he was much older, for precisely this scenario.

greathat · 06/02/2017 20:51

When I was a teenager I used to babysit. Only ever called the parents home early once when both twin babies and their 3 year old all started screaming at the same time and I couldn't get any to stop. EURGH they will be all grown up now. I'm SO OLD

melj1213 · 06/02/2017 21:47

I think it was just a bad scenario all round - MIL has never had to take responsibility for the baby when he's been upset - he's always been handed back to a parent, which is fair enough, but then it sounds like last nigh, when she has finally been given sole responsibility, with nobody to hand him off to, she found out that she was out of her depth and panicked a bit when he didn't settle immediately so messaged you both. That's not unreasonable, that's a sensible thing to do - she acknowledged she was out of her depth and decided she wasn't ready for that level of responsibility. What was unreasonable was that she wasn't clear about it, and may have fibbed a bit to cover for it - so she didn't try everything on the list you left, she did what she felt able to - and then messaged you when the baby was actually settled.

Also, whilst it's entirely your choice of where to go in your baby free time, the theatre is not something you could dip in and out of, or even really keep your phone on for - even if it is only 5 minutes from home - which makes it a risky first child-free night out option. As it was the first time you've left DS with a babysitter, you had no idea if he'd have slept through till you got home or woken after five minutes screaming and refusing to be settled, so it might have been better to have done some "test runs" of activities that required no specific time commitment first, to see how it went, so if you did have to cut the evening short you wouldn't have wasted tickets/money.

When my DC was a baby the first few times I went out, it was either to a friend's house for a catch up/takeaway, a local casual dining restaurant or to a local pub for kareoke or quiz night - all things that I could have my phone on for without it disturbing anything (so could chat to babysitter if they had an issue and discuss whether it needed me to come home) and could be cut short fairly easily without losing moeny on tickets for things . . I didn't go out to the cinema till about 8 months and my mum babysat, by which time she'd spent a lot of time with the baby, including short bursts looking after her without me (eg if I needed to go shopping she'd offer to stay and watch the baby so I could get out of the house alone and just have an hour of me time, even if it was just wandering round the supermarket)