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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was MIL?

107 replies

JagerPlease · 05/02/2017 10:44

So last night DW and I went for our first evening out just the two of us since DS was born 6 months ago. We had theatre tickets for a show local to our house bought by my family over a year ago. MIL kindly offered to babysit so that we were leaving him with a familiar face for the first time, and we were very grateful.

We suggested MIL came a bit early so we could feed her and settle her in with DS. He has reflux (thank you to mumsnet for helping on our way to this diagnosis!) and generally only naps on people or out in the pram/sling. Instead she said she would bring her friend with her, and they ended up arriving 15 minutes before we were due to leave. Perhaps the first sign of how easy they were expecting the evening to be was the fact that they turned up with Scrabble.

DW fed DS right before we left to go for a pretty theatre drink. Within an hour or so MIL messaged to say everything was fine and they'd had given him a bottle.

45 minutes into the show DW got a message saying DS had been upset, they'd tried everything on our suggested list to get him to sleep and so had taken him out in the pram. He was now asleep but they thought we should be there when he woke up. DW replied to ask if MIL was asking us to come home now, and she confirmed she was.

So home we went to greet a sleeping baby. Who woke up cooing. Theatre tickets completely wasted.

Am I being ungrateful here or was MIL being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 05/02/2017 11:26

Why did you wife not tell her mother she was happy to stay out if the baby was now asleep?

Seems ridiculous that you both went home to wait for a baby to wake up.

pictish · 05/02/2017 11:26

I must confess I did a little wtf at your post Basic.

PovertyPain · 05/02/2017 11:29

Stupid old trout.

Gosh. Nasty and ageist in just one line. Well done.

Original poster
JagerPlease · 05/02/2017 11:31

With hindsight maybe we should have been a bit firmer about not needing to come back. I would say next time we will, but currently have no intention of there being a next time for quite a while! We suspect MILs friend was somewhat influential in the events of last night and now have to find a firm but polite way of saying she isn't welcome when MIL visits (she tags along a lot, including to the hospital on the day DS was born)

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 05/02/2017 11:31

No, basic, I don't have authority so it isn't whatever I say. I thought your comment was silly so decided to give my opinion with this being a chat board.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2017 11:31

Bloody hell yanbu. Mil and fil handled this situation very badly. I'd be very pissed off especially with the follow up text. This was a really special event completely spoiled.

PovertyPain · 05/02/2017 11:32

Did your wife tell her she was annoyed, op? What did she say when you got home?

TBH, it sounds like she just changed her mind and decided to go home.

Basicbrown · 05/02/2017 11:32

So Pictish you think it's reasonable to leave a baby with someone who hasn't babysat for them before while going to the theatre (somewhere you can't get out of easily and probably had to travel to)? I wouldn't have done that personally but would have done a tester first. This forum is about opinion, not truth so others are obviously able and OK to disagree. But that is my opinion.

The MIL was obviously struggling for whatever reason and felt she couldn't cope. Yes it's odd but ultimately it's better to go home to the child you are ultimately responsible for than to leave him/ her with someone not coping.

It's a lesson learnt, she isn't a good babysitter. But I'd have worked that out in smaller time periods before, personally.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2017 11:32

Sorry friend not fil

Basicbrown · 05/02/2017 11:34

I thought your comment was silly so decided to give my opinion with this being a chat board.

No issue with that, but explain why or it's a pretty pointless comment really. Fine you think the theatre is perfectly reasonable, I wouldn't have done it personally

NavyandWhite · 05/02/2017 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EweAreHere · 05/02/2017 11:37

Oh dear. She doesn't sound like she's ready to be looking after a baby.

Of course your next post may be about what to do about your MIL's complaining that she never gets to look after her grandchild...

Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 11:40

Oh for goodness sake she's an idiot sorry.

I have my dgc 3 days a week while ds and ddil work and I have coped with crying and vomiting and teething. I have him overnight to fine them a break too sometimes it's what families do.

Ffs she's a mother. Pathetic to ruin your night.

and why bring a friend how strange.

NavyandWhite · 05/02/2017 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 11:43

The friend came to the hospital!!! What the actual fuck! Are they in s relationship that you don't know about? Otherwise that's just wierd.

Original poster
JagerPlease · 05/02/2017 11:43

Basicbrown - we live in the city centre 5/10 mins walk from the theatre so it wasn't far.

DW kicked them out with their pizza and sarcastically apologised for their night being disturbed. We've avoided the confrontational conversation so far because basically we're cowards!

OP posts:
Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 11:44

Because if you are asked to babysit as a grandparent you might take another family member but to bring s friend that neither the couple or baby knows well and invited is rude and strange in my opinion.

Original poster
JagerPlease · 05/02/2017 11:45

Rugbyplayersarehot we've actually asked MIL this (DW and I are both women so it isn't like we would be offended) and she assures us not.

OP posts:
Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 11:46

You need to find a good local babysitter. I used to babysit from 14 onwards and always coped.

I think your mil didn't really want to. How sad. Still now you know.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 11:48

I see jager well you and your wife were most definatly not being unreasonable and she let you down.

Lilacpink40 · 05/02/2017 11:52

MIL sounds too selfish and inconsiderate to be trusted as a babysitter. Have you had signs of this before?

If so I wouldn't ask her for help in the future.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 11:56

Tell you what having a baby makes you realise who is the person who steps up to help out and support you and who doesn't and you never know who that is until you ask for help.

My mum was hopeless but mil was ace. I help my ds/ddil and her mum hasn't had dgs once in a year even when asked. Not once.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/02/2017 12:01

Basic

It was your comment about how the Op would have been complaining if the baby had screamed for three hours. Pointless comment as the baby didn't scream..

Original poster
JagerPlease · 05/02/2017 12:03

MIL has always seemed interested - she's asks to visit weekly and so far been accommodated. But she's a bit of a give him back as soon as he grumps kind of visitor rather than attempting to soothe. Maybe we should have seen the signs. It's just tough because she's the most local family

OP posts:
Littledrummergirl · 05/02/2017 12:08

My dsis and bil are leaving me to babysit their one month old bf baby for the first time this week(along with 2yr old).
Is it wrong that my expectation is that dn is likely to scream/cry for a fair amount of the evening? I won't be calling them home early though if this happens.