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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was MIL?

107 replies

JagerPlease · 05/02/2017 10:44

So last night DW and I went for our first evening out just the two of us since DS was born 6 months ago. We had theatre tickets for a show local to our house bought by my family over a year ago. MIL kindly offered to babysit so that we were leaving him with a familiar face for the first time, and we were very grateful.

We suggested MIL came a bit early so we could feed her and settle her in with DS. He has reflux (thank you to mumsnet for helping on our way to this diagnosis!) and generally only naps on people or out in the pram/sling. Instead she said she would bring her friend with her, and they ended up arriving 15 minutes before we were due to leave. Perhaps the first sign of how easy they were expecting the evening to be was the fact that they turned up with Scrabble.

DW fed DS right before we left to go for a pretty theatre drink. Within an hour or so MIL messaged to say everything was fine and they'd had given him a bottle.

45 minutes into the show DW got a message saying DS had been upset, they'd tried everything on our suggested list to get him to sleep and so had taken him out in the pram. He was now asleep but they thought we should be there when he woke up. DW replied to ask if MIL was asking us to come home now, and she confirmed she was.

So home we went to greet a sleeping baby. Who woke up cooing. Theatre tickets completely wasted.

Am I being ungrateful here or was MIL being unreasonable?

OP posts:
StrawberryShortcake32 · 05/02/2017 12:11

My son is 4 months old and my mother babysat him last week as we had tickets to a metal concert.
The poor boy is teething and was crying all evening. My mother insisted we leave anyway and leave it to her. We came home to a happy sleeping baby.
Mothers have done all this before, raising us. They may be a bit rusty but I don't believe they are incapable. I'm sorry but your MIL shouldn't have offered to babysitting if she wasn't prepared to put up with a crying baby. Crying is what babys do and she should know this being a mother herself, you don't forget that babys cry!

Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 12:12

little has she expressed so you can bottle feed? Otherwise you might be in for a treatWink

Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 12:13

little has she expressed so you can bottle feed? Otherwise you might be in for a treatWink

Basicbrown · 05/02/2017 12:24

MIL has always seemed interested - she's asks to visit weekly and so far been accommodated. But she's a bit of a give him back as soon as he grumps kind of visitor rather than attempting to soothe. Maybe we should have seen the signs. It's just tough because she's the most local family

My Dad wouldn't cope with looking after a 6mo for 3.5 hours, and would get stressed unless LO was asleep the whole time. I wouldn't leave my DC with him from 7pm to 10.30ish through all the bedtime etc. He wants to look after them and does after school/ takes them out for a couple of hours, but he needs support. He is neither pathetic or disinterested in his gcs believe me. The slightly odd thing here though is he'd be better if he had a friend with him.

diddl · 05/02/2017 12:38

Sounds as if MIL was worried that if he woke again they wouldn't have been able to settle him at all.

Given that you were so close though it does seem ott that you left just in case.

"DW kicked them out with their pizza and sarcastically apologised for their night being disturbed"

I think that that's horrible tbh.

Obviously you both know her-was it that she had just had enough by then rather than genuine concern for her GS?

"But she's a bit of a give him back as soon as he grumps kind of visitor rather than attempting to soothe."

Can't see a problem with that tbh-surely that's part of not being a parent this time-you don't do the more difficult bits if you don't have to!

Littledrummergirl · 05/02/2017 12:39

Really hoping so rugby , really hoping so.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 12:45

But didle part of being a parent is helping your kids out occasionally while they are parenting. Obviously not perhaps having the grandchildren endlessly but for a few hours? I think she was very selfish.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 12:51

little I would be inclined to ask first as a tiny exclusivity BF baby usually doesn't sleep long between feeds and boobs sooth as well as feed don't they. Hmm

Rachel0Greep · 05/02/2017 12:51

Seems strange to have wanted you home seeing as the baby was settled and asleep. Understandable if the baby was very upset / unsettled perhaps, and she felt out of her depth, otherwise very strange, IMO.

I think looking around for a local, reliable babysitter would be your best option.

diddl · 05/02/2017 13:03

"I think she was very selfish."

Possibly, I think that it's hard to tell.

She offered to babysit, settled GS with difficulty, kept parents informed.

She then thought it best that the parents returned home in case he woke again-selfish/caring, Idk!

Astoria7974 · 05/02/2017 13:09

Er you left your refluxing baby with someone who isn't an experienced babysitter? Why!! My refluxing nephew at 6 months was not only spitting up but coughing to the point where we often ended up calling 999. There's no way my brother/sil would have left him with someone inexperienced.

Original poster
JagerPlease · 05/02/2017 13:11

I've probably made DW sound ruder thab she was - she said there was no need for them to stay longer if she was home. We've been looking round this morning and don't think they can actually have tried all the suggested things - favourite singing toy is still underneath another toy exactly as we left it, jumperoo seat not sticking up as though he's been in it etc. And although they said they gave him a bottle, they only gave him 1oz. I think tbh it was just they weren't expecting it to be difficult at all and so were thrown. We're just a bit sad now, both obviously at the wasted theatre tickets and having to be careful about leaving him with his grandma

OP posts:
Original poster
JagerPlease · 05/02/2017 13:13

In terms of his reflux, he's medicated so the only lasting issue is he won't be put down for a nap

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 05/02/2017 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

viques · 05/02/2017 13:20

Why are people saying your Mil was a rubbish babysitter? she got a tricky baby to sleep after 45 minutes. OK, she was a bit daft to text you but to say she was 'an old trout' and some of the other names she has been called is very mean. she probably hasn't had to deal with a small ,new baby for 30 years, it's not like riding a bike, you go back to panic mode. I think she did well.

diddl · 05/02/2017 13:29

I doesn't read to me that MIL really did anything wrong.

After settling him she felt out of her depth so asked you home.

I mean a list of things to go through to settle him & now you think that she didn't try them all????

Just don't let her babysit again then if you think that she is in the wrong.

Has she ever looked after him at all before?

It would perhaps have been useful if she had come earlier to talk about how to settle him.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/02/2017 13:30

Er you left your refluxing baby with someone who isn't an experienced babysitter? Why!! My refluxing nephew at 6 months was not only spitting up but coughing to the point where we often ended up calling 999. There's no way my brother/sil would have left him with someone inexperienced

Did you miss the bit where it says MIL I.e mother of one of the parents,

QueenArseClangers · 05/02/2017 13:36

Sounds like my PILs.

We asked them to have two of ours for a sleepover (we hadn't been out child free for about a year) as it was my birthday and I'd been recovering from a life changing accident (PIL hadn't really helped then either during that)

Both kids primary age and DH were sooooooo looking forward to being 'grown ups' and having a proper lie in together plus going out for brunch the next day.

3 hours into our evening we had to come home as DD had had a nightmare and MIL 'couldn't cope' so they brought both kids back to ours.
They live less than 2 miles away from us and we didn't see them for a fortnight after that Hmm

If I'm looking after someone's child I did everything humanly possible to settle said child. Kid wakes up sad? Come here for a cuddle. Bloody hell, I've even (after being asked by the parents) breastfed another baby who wouldn't take a bottle so the parents could finish their meal and come back in their own time!

YANBU at all OP. If you live anywhere near me then I'll babysit and you can have a proper evening! Grin

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2017 13:41

I think you are overreacting now about the fact that you have to be careful leaving with Grandma. I think you both underestimated how difficult it can be looking after a 6 month old you dont know - take the jumperoo I would find that a strange way of getting a baby to sleep and would think it would wake them up. That and perhaps they pushed it back down again.

By your own admission he is a reflux baby who likes napping on people - you left a list of suggestions, its clear she panicked and called you.

Has she looked after him by herself before? I have always started with an hour or two at lunchtime (my parents have looked after both of mine when I go back to work) so that they got to know the baby and feel confident with them.

I suspect they thought you would get him to sleep and then leave so in effect they were just watching him rather than actively getting him to sleep. Its a tough ask asking someone to put a 6 month old to sleep as a first expereince

Lilacpink40 · 05/02/2017 13:44

I guess you chalk it up to lesson learnt, that MIL can't or won't cope, and look into other options (paid babysitter).

It's frustrating as a bit of help can be great wihen you have DCs, but 1/2 helping is often worse than nothing as it's the illusion that you may you may have a break only to be faced with disappointment.

My exPILs will often used to offer help for 1/2 a day, to suit when they were free per each week, but I work set days 9-5 as did my ex. So my DCs went to nursey/ my mum, until school age.

notyetpastit · 05/02/2017 13:50

I sympathise with both you and your MiL. However when I babysat for DGS under similar circumstances DD and her DH -sensibly- went out for a meal locally.

When DGS2 woke distressed and wouldn't settle after 20 mins solid crying DD and her DH packed up their meal and came back home to eat it!

Going to the theatre the very first time oyu leave yr 6 month old DS may have been a tad ambitious! Better luck next time.

diddl · 05/02/2017 13:53

Did your baby have to be fed just before you went out?

How long were you out for in the end?

blackcherries · 05/02/2017 14:09

I'd be annoyed but tbh I feel slightly for your MIL who clearly just didn't know what was the best thing to do.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 05/02/2017 14:13

Why are people saying your Mil was a rubbish babysitter? she got a tricky baby to sleep after 45 minutes

If your babysitter makes you come home just as the play starts in order to look at a sleeping baby, they are a rubbish babysitter, no matter who they are!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/02/2017 14:18

YANBU. Firstly, MIL, should have come alone, to focus on the baby, first time left etc.. This sees more like a night out for her friend !
I would definitely go out again, but I would ask someone else to babysit.