Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've massively fucked up?

106 replies

user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 03:06

Seeing a guy. Not official. Night out with girls. Dancing. Hot guy kissed me. Feel like I've cheated. Gutted.

OP posts:
BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 05/02/2017 10:41

User - he'll let it slide? If there's no we, no exclusivity, then you did nothing wrong.

user0000000001 · 05/02/2017 10:41

Oh and by the way... here's what this one should look like (in the words of 'He's Just Not That Into You.. Good book by the way)

In the early days of seeing DH, things weren't clearly defined. I ended up snogging a bloke in a nightclub.

I felt absolutely no need to tell DH about it straight away... because we weren't exclusive.

I mentioned it a little while later in passing and he laughed it off... then confirmed he didn't want to see anyone else/asked if I felt the same. I did.

Neither of us kissed anyone else again.

Original poster
user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 10:57

Glad it's not just me then. He says I've got some grovelling to do..

Is it wrong that I disagree?

My friends didn't understand why I told him but I couldn't not.

OP posts:
Trills · 05/02/2017 11:02

"grovelling" not a nice way of putting it.

Could be misplaced humour. Not humour that I'd like though.

Original poster
user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 11:08

I think he's going to make me feel guilty for a while.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 05/02/2017 11:09

Don't send any more texts until you've had some rest and are feeling better. You didn't do anything wrong.

JennyHolzersGhost · 05/02/2017 11:09

  1. it was fine to kiss whoever you wanted to as you hadn't negotiated exclusivity with the other guy

  2. why the fuck did you text him? It's a bit drama llama innit?

  3. he has nothing to forgive you for so I'd raise an eyebrow at that reaction - except for the fact that he was probably just responding to your drama-llamaing

  4. if you want to be exclusive with him then say that to him, don't dither and play games. Just say 'I really enjoy your company and I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to be seeing anyone else from now on, I was wondering if you felt the same?'

  5. next time you go out get one of your friends to confiscate your phone as you clearly can't be trusted with it Wink

CatchTheRainbow · 05/02/2017 11:13

I was seeing someone and asked he point blank if he saw us becoming a couple and he said he wasn't sure.

I then started sleeping with someone else and he got pissed off Hmm ... pretty much calling me a slut.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

How would you feel right now if he text you saying he kissed someone else last night?

Original poster
user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 11:14

Drama Llanarth is exactly what I am right now.

My friend has brought me a KFC. I feel like kissing him for that.

OP posts:
Trills · 05/02/2017 11:24

he was probably just responding to your drama-llamaing

Yes I think there is a bit of this.
You are the one who made it his business whether you had kissed someone else or not.
You've pretty much told him that he should be annoyed and you should feel bad, and he's acting according to the script you've set.

It's still up to you how you proceed. If he's going to make you feel bad about it, and make it so you don't enjoy talking to him, you don't have to see him any more.

Jenniferb21 · 05/02/2017 11:29

I took things slow with my husband when I was 21 was seeing other boys whenever etc in the end after 6 months or so I realised taking it slow didn't achieve anything if we were seeing other people. I told him after 6 months I had to be in a relationship with him or stop seeing him as us seeing other people was starting to upset me. It was the best thing I did.

Looking back I probably wouldn't change the first few months but I think it annoys us when we think about it because we both know a couple of people each other slept with etc and I'd rather not have the details. Regardless it doesn't affect our marriage and we're very happy with a 10 month old 7 years later.

Go with your gut. If you don't want to see other peopl anymore it's because you want to be with him so act on it.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 05/02/2017 11:30

You can't cheat on someone who isn't your boyfriend. If you realise you want him to be just ask him. You didn't owe him an explanation of the kiss.

user0000000001 · 05/02/2017 11:30

Any chance, OP, on some level, you told him to provoke an 'I want to be exclusive' reaction from him and aren't happy with the result?

Clnz4fun · 05/02/2017 11:31

Saying you have some grovelling to do could be either a jest or massive red flag, he shouldn't hold it over you op you haven't done anything wrong...

As it is early days for you and him and you are still getting know each other this situation could tell you a lot about him for the future and whether there is any long term prospect.

I was dating (early days)one guy and had a Fwb at same time. We weren't exclusive and when he discovered this, he thought about it and said he wasn't comfortable to continue seeing me and without slutshaming me. He told me I had every right to do as I please but he personally couldn't deal with it.

I stopped seeing fwb and went on to have a great rl with him and he never held it over me at all. That is a healthy attitude to dating/rl imo.

Original poster
user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 11:46

I think part of me was hoping he'd tell me that he wanted to be exclusive. He said in his opinion we were 'exclusively dating' but not boyfriend and girlfriend.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 05/02/2017 12:05

You do not have any grovelling to do.

KatLovesCats · 05/02/2017 12:09

You don't have any grovelling to do OP, you haven't done anything wrong! I think you should take a step back from this guy for a while until it's clear whether he's a total arse or not, as that seems like a strong possibility... and in future, stay well away from the drunk texting Wink

ChishandFips33 · 05/02/2017 12:14

i think he's going to make me feel guilty for a while

A) he's also the one that can alleviate any feeling of unnecessary guilt you have! which would make him a better man

B) have you established whether he has been in any encounters like this (or worse) in between seeing you - if he hasn't then he needs to man up and commit to starting a relationship with you then you are both clear where you stand

scootinFun · 05/02/2017 12:23

Grovelling? Tell him to do one! Until you've had the exclusive chat you could kiss 20 guys a night. I'd tell him grovelling won't be happening but that this sounds like a good time to discuss what he thinks an exclusive relationship (did he share his opinion that you were in one with you before kiss hate?) vs boyfriend/girlfriend.

scootinFun · 05/02/2017 12:25

Kissgate not kisshate

EweAreHere · 05/02/2017 12:30

Ugh. OP. You have done nothing wrong!!

He is completely out of order.

I would tell him you'll think about what he's said tomorrow. You can't today because you have a date.

YOU'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP! And frankly, he doesn't sound like someone you'd want to be in a relationship with if he thinks you have to act like you're in one when you're not. Does he have to act like he's in one? Doubtful.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 05/02/2017 12:37

Hmm. I'm a little uncomfortable with his reaction tbh.
My ex reacted like that when I kissed someone else and he and I weren't actually together. He held a real grudge and made me feel god awful. 3 years down the line and he was a violent controlling bully and I should've paid attention to the warning signs (and my friends telling me it was a bad idea). I just don't like this idea of him 'letting it slide' like you've been awful or done something wrong when you HAVEN'T. Not on, and certainly not a good sign.

Trills · 05/02/2017 12:48

So you were playing games, basically.

You haven't told him that you want to be exclusive, but you have drunk texted him saying you kissed another man in the hope that this would make him tell you that he wanted to be exclusive.

I don't know how he is supposed to react that could possibly be "right" here.

Either he thought that you had mutually assumed you were exclusive (but without saying it out loud) and he is rightly annoyed that you kissed someone else.

Or he did not think that you were exclusive, and is probably just confused as to why you told him and is trying to figure out what you expect from him.

Miserylovescompany2 · 05/02/2017 12:55

Grovelling? Erm, nope! He has said you aren't in a relationship. So he can't have it every which way.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2017 13:06

I don't think you should get yourself tied into knots with guilt over this. But if you send emotional texts and declarations of love and confessing you kissed somebody else this would be a massive red flag for most people receiving such messages. Doesn't sound as if you are ready for commitment to one person at the moment.