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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've massively fucked up?

106 replies

user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 03:06

Seeing a guy. Not official. Night out with girls. Dancing. Hot guy kissed me. Feel like I've cheated. Gutted.

OP posts:
hackneyandbow · 05/02/2017 08:51

this guy came on to me and kissed me. I didn't like it, it made me feel like I don't want to kiss other boys because I only want to kiss you. How do you feel about only kissing me?

yeh really don't say this OP. unless you're 15. But even then, no

ChristianGreysAnatomy · 05/02/2017 08:52

The only thing that I notice about your original post is that you say "hot guy kissed me", when what you mean is "I kissed a hot guy". You will need to take full responsibility for your future actions if you want to maintain a good relationship with mr official.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 05/02/2017 08:53

so he wants you to behave as if you are exclusive, official, definitely in a relationship, but won't actually make that commitment to you?

OneMillionScovilles · 05/02/2017 08:54

Treat today as a clean slate. If you think you came across as "erratic" or "full on" per lamp (we haven't seen the texts, either quantity or tone! - you may just have a case of the beer fear in worrying about this), then apologise for drunk texting and use that to lead into explaining that you didn't want to lie by omission about what happened. One kiss (or even several) whilst not in an exclusive relationship does not a monster make!

KungFuEric · 05/02/2017 08:55

If he's not suggesting exclusivity then you do realise he's going on nights out looking for women to kiss and shag? Or just women to text and go out with.

I think you've been full on with all the drunk texts and come across badly, but not for the reason of the kiss.

Original poster
user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 08:55

We've not defined what we are and I don't know if it's because he's unwilling to or not. I've been having doubts and wondering whether he's right for me but funnily enough kissing hot guy last night made me realise that he is right for me.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 05/02/2017 08:55

Don't worry about it, OP. You can't cheat on a non-boyfriend. You're dating. If you're not exclusive, you're free to see who you want.

Original poster
user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 08:56

I think I do have the beer fear. Fucking awful.

OP posts:
OneMillionScovilles · 05/02/2017 09:00

Ohh Xpost (got distracted by shiny things halfway through as usual)

He gave me a hard time about it but said he stI'll wants to carry on seeing me.

Everything ^ BigBadCity says. This has red flag written all over it. That's a more than poor reaction on his part if he didn't think you were exclusive.

Trills · 05/02/2017 09:05

There are many different kinds of "hard time" that he could have given her about it.

Remember she's texting him in the middle of the night.

It could have been he wants you to behave as if you are exclusive, official, definitely in a relationship, but won't actually make that commitment to you

It could have been he was sad that you wanted to kiss someone else, because he was hoping that you were on the way to becoming exclusive and this looks like you don't want that

Trills · 05/02/2017 09:06

I agree that there's a difference between "hot guy kissed me" (he just grabbed you and you couldn't get away?) and "we kissed each other" (sounds like this is what happened) and it's important to recognise that you did this, it's not a thing that happened to you.

OneMillionScovilles · 05/02/2017 09:07

Right, bossypants time. You posted at about 3am, and were back here before 9. You're underslept, dealing with the beer fear and not in the best place to make decisions.

Dr. OMS* prescribes more sleep if possible, a Full English if not vegetarian, and forgiving yourself, because you didn't do anything wrong. The future with this guy is a question for when you're in less of an "aaaargh what have I DONE??!" headspace.

  • Not a doctor 😉
OneMillionScovilles · 05/02/2017 09:10

Trills you make a good point. And after a few, at question mark a.m., I'd personally take both of those badly - so I stand by my prescription above :)

user1478860582 · 05/02/2017 09:13

All sounds a storm in a teacup. I also imagine the 'hard time' has been over blown as well.

But let's go back to the red flag mentioned above. If a woman had posted that she received a text confessing to kissing another, it would also be seen as a huge red flag and she should dump his sorry arse.

Bantanddec · 05/02/2017 09:16

From his reaction I'd say you probably ain't the only one kissing randomers!

Original poster
user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 09:53

Yeah I kissed him back so it's not something that happened to me. I just meant that he pulled me towards him and kissed me and I failed to pull back. I'm just as much to blame.

The guy I'm dating isn't reluctant to make things exclusive but I think he's confused as to why I kissed someone else when we've both said we like each other.

My body hates me and I can't sleep

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 05/02/2017 09:56

So he wants you to act as if you are exclusive without a commitment on his part?

Drunk texts aside, he's sending VERY mixed signals. How long have you been non official?

Because there is slow and there is SLOW = stringing you along until something better comes his way...

How old are you both?

Original poster
user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 09:58

We've had about 6 dates over 1 month.

I'm 27 and he's 32

OP posts:
Happinessisthis · 05/02/2017 10:03

I did this. We weren't official and I was very clear that I wasn't in a relationship as I didn't want to rush (had come out of previous LT relationship)
Never told the guy I was seeing. 6 years and 2 kids later. We are happily married. No point ruining the trust before you've even begun.
Btw I have never kissed another guy since, it was the kiss that made
Me realise how I felt about OH and that I did in fact want a relationship with him.

Original poster
user1485102013 · 05/02/2017 10:06

He's saying he can let this one slide as we are still new. But there's not a 'we' yet because we aren't a couple. I'm confused.

OP posts:
Trills · 05/02/2017 10:09

Can you go do something else for a bit to stop you thinking about this until you're not hungover any more?

I really don't think anything that confusing has happened.

Wait til your head is clearer then decide what you want.
Do you want to become exclusive now?
Do you want to carry on as you were?
Do you want to stop seeing him?
Then go do whatever you need to do to make that happen.

Trills · 05/02/2017 10:15

If I have understood your actions correctly, I think he is behaving pretty very normally.

If I had been dating someone for a few weeks and they texted me in the middle of the night to say that they had kissed someone and they felt terrible, my thoughts would be:
1 - please don't text me drunk in the middle of the night
2 - I'd prefer it if you didn't kiss other people
3 - but I recognise that we're not exclusive so you haven't done anything "wrong"

I might not express them well, because it's the middle of the night and I'd be either asleep or drunk.

Clnz4fun · 05/02/2017 10:16

6 dates over 1 month isn't much at all, you aren't exclusive so you don't owe him fidelity. It all sounds a bit intense and drunk texting is never a good idea, as you don't know each other very well at all you could have potentially given him a stick to beat you with even if he has no right as you feel guilty for it.

I am guessing you are the type of woman who doesn't date more than one at a time so what happened last night goes against the grain for you.

It is beer fear op so really rest up and try to put it behind you. A general rule for non exclusive dating is not to give details of your other dates/nondates but they know they happen iyswim.

user0000000001 · 05/02/2017 10:35

Uh?

What a crock of shit (him)

Unless you're exclusive, you're not exclusive. If he wants you to be exclusive, he should talk to you about being exclusive. If he doesn't talk to you about being exclusive, he isn't sure whether he wants to be exclusive with you. Hence you're not exclusive with him.

Red flags all over the place.

You have done NOTHING wrong.

Miserylovescompany2 · 05/02/2017 10:40

So still very early days...

The kiss and drunk texting are done. You can't change that. What you can do is continue with dating him. Set yourself a time frame though, if by six months you are still dating? Then I'd look at things again, because by then you would of either naturally progressed into an exclusive relationship or still be in the same in-between phase.

I would ask him if he is dating you exclusively. I'm not saying ask for details, I'm just saying I would ask for a yes or no. It lets you both know where you stand.

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