I have name changed for this as frankly, I'm pretty ashamed of my behaviour. I'm sorry if this is a long post. I genuinely don't feel that I can speak with anyone about this in 'real life.'
I don't really know where to start. I am married, have been with my husband for 8 years ( married for 3) no NC yet. We have a generally happy marriage. We are the best of friends and I do love him and care for him deeply. But our relationship has never been particularly passionate.
We met when I was 21. Before this, when I was 20, I was with someone else. The relationship lasted for less than a year but he was my first love and I was absolutely besotted with him. It was a very passionate relationship but also very intense. (The best of times and the worst of times!) We split up because frankly, I was a mess. Really immature and insecure and treated him terribly. When he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. It lead to a period of particularly bad depression which almost resulted in me dropping out of uni. I don't feel like I have ever really got over him.
My ex and I have kept in touch a little bit over the years. Literally just the odd facebook message here and there maybe once or twice a year. Not flirty, just friendly. But over the past year or so, we've been speaking a lot more. Again, nothing more than speaking, and always very platonic. We have a lot of shared interest that my husband and I don't have (not that that's any justification.) My husband doesn't know about the contact. In fact, he doesn't really know about my ex at all. I've never really went in to any great detail about my past relationships.
So after a lengthy whatsapp chat with my ex the other day about a trip he had been on (i'm going to the same place on holiday in a few months) I suggested we meet for a coffee. We work on the same street so have bumped in to each other on the street once or twice but other than that, have not seen each properly in almost 9 years.
I have no idea what I want to achieve from this. He is single but I don't think he would have any interest in being with me. I don't know if I hope that by seeing him, it will help me move on? I wish this is what I wanted but honestly, I've spent the couple of days fantasing about leaving my husband for him. I know that I should not go to this lunch (next Thurs) but I can't not go. I think about this man all the time. I suppose I need to see if there's something there still.
I know the whole thing is crazy. I am racked with guilt because I know I am essentially 'emotionally' cheating on husband and if it were not for my ex, I honestly think I would be very content with my marriage.
The whole situation is madness. I just had to get this off my chest. If you've read this far, thank you.