AIBU to have lunch with my ex?

[confusedcat87]

I have name changed for this as frankly, I'm pretty ashamed of my behaviour. I'm sorry if this is a long post. I genuinely don't feel that I can speak with anyone about this in 'real life.'

I don't really know where to start. I am married, have been with my husband for 8 years ( married for 3) no NC yet. We have a generally happy marriage. We are the best of friends and I do love him and care for him deeply. But our relationship has never been particularly passionate.

We met when I was 21. Before this, when I was 20, I was with someone else. The relationship lasted for less than a year but he was my first love and I was absolutely besotted with him. It was a very passionate relationship but also very intense. (The best of times and the worst of times!) We split up because frankly, I was a mess. Really immature and insecure and treated him terribly. When he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. It lead to a period of particularly bad depression which almost resulted in me dropping out of uni. I don't feel like I have ever really got over him.

My ex and I have kept in touch a little bit over the years. Literally just the odd facebook message here and there maybe once or twice a year. Not flirty, just friendly. But over the past year or so, we've been speaking a lot more. Again, nothing more than speaking, and always very platonic. We have a lot of shared interest that my husband and I don't have (not that that's any justification.) My husband doesn't know about the contact. In fact, he doesn't really know about my ex at all. I've never really went in to any great detail about my past relationships.

So after a lengthy whatsapp chat with my ex the other day about a trip he had been on (i'm going to the same place on holiday in a few months) I suggested we meet for a coffee. We work on the same street so have bumped in to each other on the street once or twice but other than that, have not seen each properly in almost 9 years.

I have no idea what I want to achieve from this. He is single but I don't think he would have any interest in being with me. I don't know if I hope that by seeing him, it will help me move on? I wish this is what I wanted but honestly, I've spent the couple of days fantasing about leaving my husband for him. I know that I should not go to this lunch (next Thurs) but I can't not go. I think about this man all the time. I suppose I need to see if there's something there still.

I know the whole thing is crazy. I am racked with guilt because I know I am essentially 'emotionally' cheating on husband and if it were not for my ex, I honestly think I would be very content with my marriage.

The whole situation is madness. I just had to get this off my chest. If you've read this far, thank you.

[ProfAnnieT]

He broke up with you. You feel rejected. Your self esteem was bruised at the time and gets a boost every time he still contacts you. That's the tantalising kick you're getting out of this - it's about your insecurity, and the thrill of the chase, proving whether you're attractive/desirable/good enough for him to be interested in: whether you can "win" by getting him back.

Instead of trying to "get over"/undo feeling like a loser for getting dumped by him in keeping the contact going, try and focus on shoring up your self-esteem in healthier ways. Therapy might not be such a bad idea.

[IwasAM]

This is embarrasing to read, let alone be. You are literally overtly choosing to walk THE most cliched of paths. And you know how wrong what you are doing is. Sorry OP but my sympathy is with your DH, not you. He has zero clue that his wife - his wife FFS, the person he trusts most in the world - (and whose boundaries you demanded vis his own Ex being fully respected) is right now mugging him off.

If your marriage is in crisis then sort it - or walk away. And then (and only then) go cosy up with your Ex to pretty soon discover what you are imagining now is simply some naive, cliched, fantasy.

How would you feel right now if you suddenly discovered your Husband was having a clandestine lunch with an ex-lover he's been secretly messaging for ages? Yeah, that. Not nice huh?

Do whatever you're going to do, but stop treating your DH like shit as it's fucking gross beyond not fair.

[Jinxxx]

I think you should tell your husband that you have had a few friendly messages from an ex, and are trying to decide whether to meet up for a catch up and a coffee. If DH is horrified, then of course don't. If he is cool with the idea, then go along. I suspect you would then find ex has not aged well and is much less exciting in real life, so you can stop fantasising about an idealised version of him. He may also disappoint if he is only looking to reminisce or catch up in a chummy way, or if he is only curious to see how you turned out and clearly has no romantic intentions. In case of the unlikely event that the years drop away and your passion is rekindled, have a friend come to meet you after a reasonable coffee and cake interval to remove you from further temptation.

[ImperialBlether]

You need to play the film to the end, where you're having an affair with someone who dumped you and your husband finds out and dumps you.

Not a nice ending, is it?

[Msqueen33]

I'd just casually cancel. Say something has come up and back away. No need to mention feelings especially not in writing anyway as you never know who might see it. If you love your dh this is the right choice.

[Peanutbutterrules]

Just keep it simple 'I can't come'. If he tries to rearrange just say 'I'm sorry that's not going to work'. Keep it simple. Just don't go.

[Peanutbutterrules]

Oh and BTW...what he thinks of you for cancelling is irrelevant.

[TiredAndRavenous]

You haven't changed at all, you have actually got a lot worse. Your still treating the man your with badly, only difference is you made vows to your own bloody husband. Poor man.

Go show him how you have changed, I'm sure he will be so impressed having someone's wife throw themselves at him

[confusedcat87]

A little harsh tiredandravenous. Looking for advice here, not judgement.

[confusedcat87]

I have no intentions of throwing myself at him. That is not what I want at all. In any event, I have cancelled the lunch now.

[Footle]

What stood out was that it all hung on his reaction to the situation. You seem/ed poised to jump if he said jump, and to stay with your husband if the ex wasn't interested.

[AnyFucker]

I am glad you have cancelled.

You were going down the "I didn't plan to cheat on my husband" route. Except all those little "innocent" steps take people along to that conclusion if they don't put a stop to it. You had already given yourself permission to cross several lines with the secret contact so are you going to put a stop to that too ?

[BrowsOnFleek]

Glad you've cancelled.
I think deep down you know it's for the best. The grass is always greener, but if you're happy now you have no reason to rock the boat.

[Writerwannabe83]

Hi OP - I have been in this situation on two occasions, the only difference being that I didn't have a partner when I met up with my exes.

The first time was my First Love - that all consuming, deep, deep, unbelievable, nothing can touch you, type love that ended due to circumstances outside either of our control. For years and years I never stopped thinking about him, I would pine for what could have been, dream up scenarios about how perfect life would be if we were still together etc and even when I had new partners I never really got over my first love. Then out of the blue, about 6 years after we broke up he got in touch, we started emailing and talking on the phone and eventually agreed to meet up. On the way to meet him I was so excited, my heart was racing, it was like being 18 all over again and I had ideas of us seeing each other and falling completely in love with each other again. The reality was very different though as although he looked the same he wasn't the same person. We'd both grown up in the last 6 years, we chatted with each other but in some ways it felt like I was with a stranger. It was lovely seeing him but when I left I had no romantic feelings towards him, I had no urges to see him again and we left it at that. It did me the world of good as it gave me real closure.

The second time was with my first 'Real Love' - we were together for 3 years, I really thought he was 'The One' but sadly things deteriorated and he ended it. I was heartbroken. For years I missed him, longed for us to be together again, convinced myself we would have had a perfect life together if things had worked out etc and no other boyfriend that I had compared, nobody could live up to my ex. About 3 years after we broke up he randomly got in touch, we spoke on the phone for a few months and then agreed to meet up. Yet again I convinced myself that when we saw each other we'd realise we were meant to be together, all those feelings of buried love would come straight back to the surface and we'd have our future together like we were always destined to have. However, yet again things were very different when I actually met up with him and although our phone calls had been very natural when I was actually face to face to him it was very awkward. It was almost as though he'd felt the same way I had, he'd built up in his mind how our reunion was going to be, but then when we saw each other we realised how ridiculous and naive we'd been. The conversation was stilted, awkward silences, it was really bizarre. As I sat opposite him I realised I didn't still love him at all, I had only loved how our relationship had been back then and how in the three years since we'd broken up so much had changed. I didn't know him anymore, it felt like I was on an awkward first date. Following on from that we stayed in touch via text for a few months but that was it, we didn't phone each other and we didn't arrange to meet up again. I'm so very glad I met back up with him though because it enabled me to finally close that chapter of my life, move on and focus on meeting new people as opposed to constantly thinking about him. Prior to us having met up it felt like my life was on hold because I was always clinging on to the hope that one day we'd get back together so I'd never allow myself to really be happy with someone else. Meeting up with him and realising all those old feelings were no longer there meant I could finally move on with my life.

My point to all this is that on both occasions for me meeting up with the exes was the best decision because it made me realise that were no longer meant to be in my life and I could make peace with that and move on.

Obviously you're married which complicates things but honestly, I don't think your feelings and doubts are going to disappear just because you cancelled lunch, if anything I think they will just grow even more until life becomes pretty unbearable for you.

Don't people say you have to face your Demons?

Don't get me wrong, I agree with everyone else that what you're doing to your husband is incredibly unfair and very dishonest but maybe you need to meet up with this Ex to make you see that your life is just as it should be and that he needs to be left in the past.

[AnyFucker]

Yep. And for all these "I met up with him and felt nothing" there are, like another thread I have posted on today, those that "somehow" end up shagging him

Almost like several boundaries hadn't already been crossed by the time they got to that point

[LuluJakey1]

Just say you have thought about it and feel it is not the right thing for you to do. Don't contact him again after this. Take control.

[TheNaze73]

Right decision not to go OP

[Writerwannabe83]

Yep. And for all these "I met up with him and felt nothing" there are, like another thread I have posted on today, those that "somehow" end up shagging him

Almost like several boundaries hadn't already been crossed by the time they got to that point

I think the OPs marriage is in desperate trouble whether she meets up with the Ex or not.

I guess there's a few outcomes:

1. she meets him, they end up having sex and effectively her marriage is over.
   
   
2. she meets him, realised how silly she is being and then works on her marriage to discover what led her to chase this fantasy and whether her marriage is one she is unfilfilled in and what can be done about it.
   
   
3. She doesn't meet him, she continues to pine for the Ex, wonder what might have been, never be able to truly move on from him and effectively destroy her marriage that way anyway.
   
   Something is wrong with the OP's marriage to have even led her to be in this position and that needs addressing regardless of whether she meets the Ex I think.
   
   She can't simply ignore what's happening, she can't just turn her feelings off and pretend all this confusion isn't happening - she needs to deal with it.

[girlelephant]

I don't think you should tempt fate or open up old wounds. It's a very old relationship and as it only lasted a year is it possible you are romanticising it? I think if it was significant your DH would know about it and if you felt truly open he would know he lives nearby and of the occasional messages.

I think you should focus on your relationship with your DH. Can it become more passionate? Would counselling help etc.

Remember the quote "an ex is an ex for a reason".

Also imagine how you would feel if your DH wrote this

[Boredbeforeievenbegan]

Good decision op, it's a slippery slope.

[Beelzebop]

Please don't go. I was in exactly the same situation and did. It caused big trouble. I am very lucky my now dh didn't leave me.
You KNOW that there is unfinished business here which is dangerous. You KNOW in your gut that if you go you two will get together somehow and you KNOW that a little bit of you wants to!
Text him and tell him no thanks, my dh wouldn't be cool. Big kisses, it's horrid xx

[Writerwannabe83]

You KNOW in your gut that if you go you two will get together somehow and you KNOW that a little bit of you wants to!

And you need to discover why this is. You say you're happy with your DH but you obviously aren't otherwise you wouldn't have gotten caught up in this mess. You need to work out how your marriage can be fixed, or if it can be, because your husband deserves better than this.

[confusedcat87]

Thank you for your story writerwannabe. I am glad it worked out that way and you were able to move on.

[confusedcat87]

Update. I have now deleted him from Facebook and blocked him on whatsapp. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy but I know it's the best thing for my marriage. I do think I need help to get over this person and that's something I really need to think about because I honestly have no idea how I do it. Thank you for your help. Honestly, those were not the words I wanted to hear, but definitely the ones I needed to hear.