AIBU to have lunch with my ex?

[confusedcat87]

I have name changed for this as frankly, I'm pretty ashamed of my behaviour. I'm sorry if this is a long post. I genuinely don't feel that I can speak with anyone about this in 'real life.'

I don't really know where to start. I am married, have been with my husband for 8 years ( married for 3) no NC yet. We have a generally happy marriage. We are the best of friends and I do love him and care for him deeply. But our relationship has never been particularly passionate.

We met when I was 21. Before this, when I was 20, I was with someone else. The relationship lasted for less than a year but he was my first love and I was absolutely besotted with him. It was a very passionate relationship but also very intense. (The best of times and the worst of times!) We split up because frankly, I was a mess. Really immature and insecure and treated him terribly. When he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. It lead to a period of particularly bad depression which almost resulted in me dropping out of uni. I don't feel like I have ever really got over him.

My ex and I have kept in touch a little bit over the years. Literally just the odd facebook message here and there maybe once or twice a year. Not flirty, just friendly. But over the past year or so, we've been speaking a lot more. Again, nothing more than speaking, and always very platonic. We have a lot of shared interest that my husband and I don't have (not that that's any justification.) My husband doesn't know about the contact. In fact, he doesn't really know about my ex at all. I've never really went in to any great detail about my past relationships.

So after a lengthy whatsapp chat with my ex the other day about a trip he had been on (i'm going to the same place on holiday in a few months) I suggested we meet for a coffee. We work on the same street so have bumped in to each other on the street once or twice but other than that, have not seen each properly in almost 9 years.

I have no idea what I want to achieve from this. He is single but I don't think he would have any interest in being with me. I don't know if I hope that by seeing him, it will help me move on? I wish this is what I wanted but honestly, I've spent the couple of days fantasing about leaving my husband for him. I know that I should not go to this lunch (next Thurs) but I can't not go. I think about this man all the time. I suppose I need to see if there's something there still.

I know the whole thing is crazy. I am racked with guilt because I know I am essentially 'emotionally' cheating on husband and if it were not for my ex, I honestly think I would be very content with my marriage.

The whole situation is madness. I just had to get this off my chest. If you've read this far, thank you.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Just say that it doesn't seem appropriate and leave it at that.

[confusedcat87]

I can't meet you because I still have feelings for you after 9 years?! Surely he'd think I was crazy.

[yorkshapudding]

X post, sorry just seen you're going to cancel.

What excuse will I give for cancelling? I could just say something came up at work but then he might try and rearrange?

Maybe try honesty? Tell him you're married and you don't think it's a good idea for you to meet up, or to contact each other again because the boundaries have become a bit blurred and you need to put your marriage first. Then stop contacting him.

[AnyFucker]

Yup

Aren't you ?

[AnyFucker]

Stop looking for excuses to go

[piefacerecords]

You won't stop this until you stop feeding your obsession with with him - messages here and there, and now planning to meet up - it's all keeping it going.

Do not meet him. You know it won't 'end' anything - it will at worst end with you being unfaithful, or at best will make you feel more confused and guilty. You are wrangling over a problem that only exists in your head. He is your ex because you weren't right together, and tbh your talk of how up and down and 'passionate' it was makes you sound quite immature.

You're a big girl now, you're married, so grow up (in the nicest possible way), because this isn't some crappy chic flick, it's your life you're messing around with.

So cancel the meeting and stop contact completely - no being friends on FB, no messages, no nothing. When you find yourself thinking about him, give yourself a virtual slap and distract yourself with something else.

In the mean time, work on bringing a bit more 'passion' into things with your DH - all the cliches can work, having a meal together, going out on dates, dressing up, just make a bit of effort - he does sound like he deserves it!

You absolutely CAN stop this in it's tracks - its 100% up to you.

I wonder if you're just a bit bored and looking for some excitement? Is your job dull or are you stuck in a rut of not going out/doing much with your DH? If so, start thinking about sorting that out....

[c3pu]

ARE YOU DERP?

This is a stupid stupid idea and you know it. Just tell him you can't make it, then never speak of it again.

[confusedcat87]

I genuinely am not looking for excuses. I'm not going to go now. I won't cancel tonight because I'm going out after work and I worry if I message him while drunk I'll say something I'll regret. But I really will cancel tomorrow. I always knew it was wrong, I suppose I just needed to hear it from someone else.

[Justmuddlingalong]

You say your marriage isn't very passionate. Yet you are lusting after an ex? Either invest time on the relationship with your DH or walk away instead of looking elsewhere for thrills.

[SemiNormal]

When someone breaks up with you it's more difficult to get that closure, because they are done with you in a sense but you haven't reached that point of wanting things to end. In that sense you're left wondering 'what if'? In your mind you have probably played it out as things would have been great 'if only ...' and you wonder what might have been - that's not a bad thing but you HAVE to try and be realistic. The fact is that if it hadn't ended then he would have probably pissed you off at some point, you could have lived together and he may have cheated, he could have neglected you and taken you for granted.... you just don't know, but the likelihood is that the relationship wouldn't have worked out for some reason or another at some point. You're viewing the past with rose tinted glasses because you imagined a wonderful future together and never got to the reality of it (which would probably not have been as wonderful as you envisaged anyway).

[Sidge]

Don't go, love. You don't have to make excuses, just say after some thought you have decided it wouldn't be a good idea to meet up.

Remember back to the hurt, pain, devastation and agony that you felt when the relationship finished. That's how your husband would feel if you were to have an affair, times a hundred as you are MARRIED, committed to each other for life.

Take a deep breath, switch it off, get some therapy and move your marriage forwards, stop yearning for the fairytale. It's not real life.

[confusedcat87]

Seminormal. I think you've hit the nail on the head. That is exactly how I feel.

[funkydiva80]

Hi Op. I've kind of been in this situation before. Was going out with someone many many years ago but still kept in sporadic contact. I got married to someone else and he did as well but I know there was a lot of what ifs on the beginning...

I've always minimised contact but we did meet up for a drink a couple of years ago.

I don't think meeting an ex is ever a good idea - after that day I deleted him off of Facebook and completely cut him out.

The grass is almost always greener and it's very easy to look at things with rose tinted glasses. I know what you mean and how you are feeling.

I think I finally got "closure" after about 15 years though. But it took literal no contact to get there.

We have the odd email conversation but it's very rare. Why go there now? It's a completely different time and place emotionally I am focused on my marriage and child 100% and would let someone from my youth jeopardise that.

Sorry for the epic long post it probably doesn't help but I know exactly how you are feeling. Don't do it though.

[AmeliaJack]

"sorry I'm going not going to be able to make coffee after all. Have a good week"

That's all you need to say. You don't need to explain and if he tries to reschedule just say that you can't make it.

I have to say that it says quite a lot that you are more concerned about how it will look to your Ex that you don't turn up for coffee than how it will look to your DH if you do.

[GahBuggerit]

"i dont think its a good idea upon reflection" and a "see you around"

then block on whatsshite. tell yourself hes not interested in you that way (he prob isnt otherwise the coffee suggestion woukd have comecsooner) and mive on. imagine how embarassing it would be if you make it obvious you still pant after him and all he wanted was.....coffee. cringe!

[P1nkP0ppy]

It sounds like you're already having a semi-one sided emotional affair op.
I feel really sorry for your unsuspecting DH; you're emotionally cheating on him.

[GahBuggerit]

its half 4, unless you are pissed already cancel now.

unless youre delaying?

[AllTheGlitters]

It's so hard OP I feel awful for you. This isn't going to help at all, but me and my DP had (have) a very passionate relationship especially at the beginning, however we treated eachother kindly, always. So be careful not to romanticise the past because it was intense or turbulent, because we have a tendency to look back with rose tinted glasses, but forward with glaring scrutiny.

On the other hand, my lovely DP and his ex never ever got on, he was only with her because she got pregnant, and he was just never keen on her in that way. He could have lived with her comfortably (if she wasn't such a psycho, but that's not the point!) but despite all of their other relationship difficulties, the reason he broke up with her was because he just couldn't live with settling for someone he didn't have those feelings for. He said his heart would not let him forget he didn't feel that way about her, no matter how badly he wanted to stay for the sake of having a stable family unit.

He was also young when he left her, and now we have eachother so it's great. But is your ex really all that? Are the practicalities of risking it all for him worth it? That's not rhetorical I think it's a question you need to ask yourself. After all you're so young, you need to be happy with your one little life on this earth, and surely it's kinder on your DH if you truly will never be satisfied by him to let him find someone who he's right for?

If you love your DH and can acknowledge this might just be a passing fantasy/crush, then really that's okay, as long as you of course stop having this emotional affair with the other man. If you think your DH isn't right for you, then you need to leave him as kindly and cleanly as possible, and don't do anything with this man until you've done so!

There's no point backing yourself into a corner for fear of being wrong, only you can know if your DH is perfect for you or if you just need someone else, be it this ex or someone else. DOn't feel too bad, life is weird

[user892]

Well done on making the decision. The problem with fantasy is when it looks like it might become reality. Decline, block and move on. Invest your energies elsewhere. You might not be 'bored' with your partner - but maybe you're unfulfilled in another area of your life?

I also have a mad bit of me that wonders what would happen with someone who broke it off with me, 10 years later. Now I'm better, more improved, desirable even.

I concluded that I was self-obsessed and should get over it as it's clearly and rationally not a path I need or want to go down.

[Greyponcho]

When you daydream and reminisce, is it about the good parts of the relationship or do they include the shitty ones too?
There's a reason you broke up - it wasn't working out. You weren't right together. It's worth remembering the shitty arguments and stress it caused.
Why waste your time dreaming of a life going back to this?
Don't forget - you've both changed in that time since then, so why even risk that you're both compatible now?

[confusedcat87]

Thank you for all the recent responses. I'll take time to read and respond tomorrow as I'm off out now but I really do appreciate everyone's advice.

[Patchouli666]

You have to stop contacted any sort I'm afraid. It's just like picking at a scab that keeps on itching. You'll never get rid if you keep having a go.
I'd put the effort into your marriage. You say it lacks passion? Introduce some. Make your dh your best ever. Truly, having sex and the closeness will reqlly push you and dh's bond to the forefront of your mind. Not this ex.
Buy some toys, lovehoney is great. Sit down on the laptop with dh if you can and both select a few and then see where you go. It's up to you now.

If in a year or two, you are still hankering or very much wondering, it might mean that you and dh just won't go the distance. It really does take work and constant commitment to make a marriage or long term relationship work though so be prepared to give it 100%.