AIBU to have lunch with my ex?

[confusedcat87]

I have name changed for this as frankly, I'm pretty ashamed of my behaviour. I'm sorry if this is a long post. I genuinely don't feel that I can speak with anyone about this in 'real life.'

I don't really know where to start. I am married, have been with my husband for 8 years ( married for 3) no NC yet. We have a generally happy marriage. We are the best of friends and I do love him and care for him deeply. But our relationship has never been particularly passionate.

We met when I was 21. Before this, when I was 20, I was with someone else. The relationship lasted for less than a year but he was my first love and I was absolutely besotted with him. It was a very passionate relationship but also very intense. (The best of times and the worst of times!) We split up because frankly, I was a mess. Really immature and insecure and treated him terribly. When he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. It lead to a period of particularly bad depression which almost resulted in me dropping out of uni. I don't feel like I have ever really got over him.

My ex and I have kept in touch a little bit over the years. Literally just the odd facebook message here and there maybe once or twice a year. Not flirty, just friendly. But over the past year or so, we've been speaking a lot more. Again, nothing more than speaking, and always very platonic. We have a lot of shared interest that my husband and I don't have (not that that's any justification.) My husband doesn't know about the contact. In fact, he doesn't really know about my ex at all. I've never really went in to any great detail about my past relationships.

So after a lengthy whatsapp chat with my ex the other day about a trip he had been on (i'm going to the same place on holiday in a few months) I suggested we meet for a coffee. We work on the same street so have bumped in to each other on the street once or twice but other than that, have not seen each properly in almost 9 years.

I have no idea what I want to achieve from this. He is single but I don't think he would have any interest in being with me. I don't know if I hope that by seeing him, it will help me move on? I wish this is what I wanted but honestly, I've spent the couple of days fantasing about leaving my husband for him. I know that I should not go to this lunch (next Thurs) but I can't not go. I think about this man all the time. I suppose I need to see if there's something there still.

I know the whole thing is crazy. I am racked with guilt because I know I am essentially 'emotionally' cheating on husband and if it were not for my ex, I honestly think I would be very content with my marriage.

The whole situation is madness. I just had to get this off my chest. If you've read this far, thank you.

[AmeliaJack]

Look at it this way:

Imagine how you would feel if you saw WhatsApp and FB messages and secret plans to meet up on your DH's phone this evening?

What would you feel? Betrayed? Devastated?

You are trying to make this into some great tragic story of lost love.

It really isn't. It's a foolish woman getting a slighty delayed 7 year itch.

The time you spend thinking about this nonsense is time you are checking out from your marriage. You are about to light a match that could burn down your lovely house - what are you thinking about!

Seriously give yourself a shake or go and tell your Mother/Best Friend about this and get her to do it for you.

[confusedcat87]

I wish I could speak to my friends about this but they all love my DH and would think I was mad. And they were there for the fallout of the first relationship so know how much this affected and hurt me.

[Nonameyet1]

Ok, I agree this is an emotional affair but you can tell your husband that you've bumped into him and suggested going for coffee, I think you'll feel better if you start being honest with him. My husband saw his ex (at a funeral) the other day and I really didn't mind, he's always open about it all and doesn't hide msgs etc. I think you should can go as think curiosity can drive you mad, but you must tell your husband.

[LoupGarou]

confusedcat could you perhaps do something really fun/amazing/memory making with your DH? Even something like buying a telescope and learning about astronomy together, or having a long running most random photo competition?

[AmeliaJack]

confusedcat if you can't tell your friends about it isn't that a great massive warning sign?

What will your friends all think of you if you deliberately throw your DH under a bus? You'll lose them too.

[AnyFucker]

What a grim, grim cliché. Aren't you embarrassed ?

You talk like you have no free will. You are walking into a car crash with your eyes wide open. You can stop it any time.

[Elendon]

Do not go to this lunch.

It is a car crash as Anyfucker has said.

Please don't. It won't end well.

[confusedcat87]

Of course I'm embarrassed. That's why I'm talking about this with strangers and not close friends.

[AmeliaJack]

Our collective point confused is that if you have to talk about it online it's a Really. Bad. Idea.

You are going to break your husband's heart.

It's unbelievably selfish.

[JustSpeakSense]

Don't go, you're crossing a line (in fact you already have)....just don't do it.

[confusedcat87]

Am I breaking his heart if we just have lunch, I realise there are actually no feelings there and move on with my life? My ex is a good person, he wouldn't want anything more knowing I'm married.

[AnyFucker]

Your embarrassment now is a mere blip compared to the devastation you seem hell bent on unleashing

[Screwinthetuna]

I think you are going to go anyway and just looking for people to give you reasons to go so you don't feel as bad.

Best thing that happens is that you go and realise you really don't have any feelings for him anymore and you can get closure and draw a line under it.

Worst is that it's brilliant and you end up meeting him again...and again.

A lot of us would like that 'bump into ex while looking amazing' moment but actually organising a proper 'date' as such is very risky, as you know

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

But your lunch will probably only spur you on to want more. At the very least you should tell your DH.

[MommaGee]

If you don't go, he's still always going to be there in the back of your head and I think it'll ruin your marriage in other ways. DH will never be THAT guy.

I think tell DH youve been chatting and a coffee has been suggested. How he reacts and how you react to his reaction will be very telling.
If after this you meet up and something happens they know before it does that it will be the end of your marriage.

[LoupGarou]

I do thinks its that bad to have lunch, its disingenuous. Your ex may not have feelings but you are unsure and in my opinion that's EA territory. It doesn't matter what your ex feels, its not fair to your husband when you feel the way you do.

[confusedcat87]

I don't want to want more. I really do want to get over it. I know no contact is probably the answer and I think that's what I'll need to do. But I don't think that will stop me thinking about him and I need to find a way to make that happen.

[confusedcat87]

Going to cancel the lunch.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I don't think you have changed as much as you think you have. Then you were insecure and treated your partner badly. You are obviously still feeling insecure as you are seeking out someone to make yourself feel better. You are also treating your husband really badly.

I agree I'm afraid.

You are deceiving your DH and lying by omission if you don't tell him

Although I think you will go anyway.

[Peanutbutterrules]

Don't go. This is the moment where you choose. Put your marriage at risk or keep it safe.

Do not go.

[confusedcat87]

What excuse will I give for cancelling? I could just say something came up at work but then he might try and rearrange?

[yorkshapudding]

I can't not go

In the nicest way possible, this is bullshit.

We all have choices. Telling your self you can't help it isn't actually doing you any favours. You need to face up to the fact that if you go, you are making a conscious decision to risk your marriage.

I don't know what you're looking for from this thread to be honest. You sound like you have already decided you're going. Saying you "feel horrible" about it is all well and good but that doesn't make what you're doing any less wrong. All it means is that you know full well what this could you to your marriage (and to your DH) and you're going ahead anyway.

Am I breaking his heart if we just have lunch, I realise there are actually no feelings there and move on with my life?

You sound like you're clutching at straws, desperately trying to justify this to yourself. It's unjustifiable I'm afraid. You have maintained contact with your ex despite banning your DH from doing the same. You have kept that contact a secret from him. You admit you have been fantasising about leaving your DH for this man and you have planned a secret meet up. You really think you can claim that this "just" lunch??

If it was "just" lunch you wouldn't be keeping it secret. You also wouldn't be feeling guilty and you wouldn't be desperately trying to justify yourself to complete strangers.

[AnyFucker]

Tell him the truth.