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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider moving schools

31 replies

Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 11:23

I know this is going to be a long one but I need some advice.
My ds is in year 1 at a very small village primary school. My dd is in early years in the same class (very small age gap)
Anyway, on paper the school is great, I can walk to it, teachers seem fine, pro active head, good ofsted. The issue is my ds has never been happy there. He says he has no friends. His year group is made up of 4 boys so socially is quite limited. At the moment a boy is making his life a misery. It's so hard as we are friends with his parents but he won't let my ds play with him, rips up his work and laughs. My ds loves sport but he says he doesn't want to take part anymore as he's fast and the other kids chant cheat because he wins. This one boy, who is making him come home crying every day, is being very manipulative and telling his mum everything that is happening, but telling her it's another boy in the class. I spoke to teacher and she has witnessed the boy "being mean". My ds keeps begging to move to another school where he could have some friends. I don't know if its a great message to show him if he doesn't get on with people he can just leave but likewise, he seems like that school just isn't right for him.
My dd is fine there so isn't the school. Is my ds too sensitive or should I look elsewhere, we are rural so lots of schools all quite close together and non are oversubscribed.

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greenfolder · 02/02/2017 11:26

change schools as soon as possible. my dd2 went to a school that was too small and was miserable. changed schools.
the way I look at it, if you had a job and were miserable and had no friends and were being picked on every day after 2 years, would you change your job?

Magzmarsh · 02/02/2017 11:26

Tough one, he's not guaranteed to make friends anywhere else but certainly think if the "pool" was bigger it might help him.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 02/02/2017 11:29

I'd consider moving him. I can't see it improving.

My DS's class has few boys, it's been a pain sometimes as he has had similar issues. If the 'lead' boy has fallen out with someone, the gang all follow. DS has been on the receiving end and none of the boys would play with him because lead boy said so. DS was always desperate for more boys to join the class. They are more than 4 and a couple more have joined so it seems a lot better and the lead boy seems to have calmed down towards DS and they are good friends.

But with only 4 boys and them all saying stuff to your DS and he is always unhappy, no, I'd move him. He could be miserable for the next 5 years otherwise.

Original poster
Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 11:29

He was very outgoing and happy at preschool so I don't think it can all be due to him. Thanks for the replies.

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GloGirl · 02/02/2017 11:31

I'd move, 4 boys is not a great social circle and he'll be with them for 5 years.

Original poster
Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 11:32

What's bizarre is the boy definitely isn't the lead boy. He's deeply insecure, very quiet and struggling a bit at school. I know this as his mum tells me. I don't know if he's threatened by my ds or a bit jealous. If I hadn't heard him myself when he didn't realise I was listening, you would think this kid is a shy and nice little boy.

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Rainbowqueeen · 02/02/2017 11:32

I'd move him. It's unless jelly to get any better

Rainbowqueeen · 02/02/2017 11:33

Oops that should read unlikely to get any better!

Original poster
Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 11:35

Thanks, I'm going to have long chat with ds and dh tonight and see about looking around another few schools.

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Ilovecaindingle · 02/02/2017 11:36

What do school say? They must have noticed he is unhappy?

SingingInTheRainstorm · 02/02/2017 11:37

We had the same situation with DS but not DD. DS is a lovely boy, people see this and take advantage. We moved schools, he went on a trip and got upset the boys who said they'd share with him pulled out. I often thought the best way to deal with it was by being nice regardless. Invite the boy round for a play date, you can see the behaviour first hand if the child dares. Hopefully it'll nip it in the bud, they'll become friends, all will be fine.
Failing that, keep on at teachers and hope they act on your concerns.

ilovesushi · 02/02/2017 11:39

The school need to deal with this urgently. If you get no joy from his teacher go to the head, if that doesn't help, make a formal written complaint to the head teacher about the school's lack of action in tackling a bullying issue. Use the word 'complaint' in your email so it is really explicit that it is a complaint not just a concern or worry. They have to follow a certain protocol when they get complaints. If they don't deal with it, the next step is the governors. Make a formal written complaint to them. They cannot ignore this issue. It is horribly stressful for you and your DS in the meantime but how unfair that you should have to go to the extreme of moving schools.

Imaginingdragonsagain · 02/02/2017 11:40

I would definitely move. I think there are too few in the friendship pool.

Original poster
Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 11:44

The boy who is doing it is a different kid in front of his parents and at home. He came over here in the holidays a few years ago. I heard him trying to get my ds to steal his little sisters glasses. I heard "let's steal them and stamp on them so she can't see out of her stupid eyes". I went in and made it clear I'd heard but his mum is very precious about him so didn't tell her what he said. I know I should have.
In front of grown ups you wouldn't believe he would be anything like that but I've heard him.
My ds keeps saying he does t understand why this boy says they are friends but is so horrible to him when no ones listening.

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reallyanotherone · 02/02/2017 11:45

Does he like any of the girls?

My dd has a similar number of boys in her year- 4 boys to 26 girls.

The school, and parents, have done a really good job of integrating the boys- pointing out boys can play x y and z with the girls, girls can play football etc, and stomping out any teasing about boy/girl stuff.

Parents help by not doing "girl only" or "boys only" parties or activities outside school, kids are invited if they're friends, rather than by gender.

As a result the boys and girls form gender blind friendships, and the boys think nothing of joining in with a group of girls if the boys are pissing them off.

Original poster
Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 11:47

He's really good friends with one girl yes. It's still very limited though, after this year only 3 girls will be left as a lot of parents are going private.

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HarryPottersMagicWand · 02/02/2017 12:05

DS has a friend who is very different in front of his parents and they seem to have no idea or his mum has an explanation for everything. He does have good manners etc and his mum is lovely but she has very rose tinted glasses on when it comes to her DS.

Original poster
Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 12:10

Our sons know we are all friends. To put it in perspective this kids mum regularly comes over and we all go out a school parents. When he is often here , other than the time I mentioned he is fine. He seems to struggle when it's not just him and my ds. It's like he feels the way to get I. With a 3rd party is to instantly turn on my son

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Original poster
Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 12:13

I know one of the teachers, 2 job share, is not his biggest fan. My friend had a really big shock at parents eve but instantly turned it to the teacher isn't very good and how can she not love her "gorgeous son". I wonder if the teacher is on to him as I personally have no issues with her as a teacher.

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WelliesAndPyjamas · 02/02/2017 12:18

Does the school have expected behaviour rules, core values, or similar that is explained clearly to the children? Start with that and see if the teacher can help the situation by reinforcing the expected behaviour/showing of kindess etc. Give that a few weeks to see if it helps. They are all very little and perhaps need to time to learn and be guided on this.

llangennith · 02/02/2017 12:21

Poor boy. Change his school. If you were bullied at work you'd change jobs wouldn't you? (Slightly different scenario as employment law should cover that, but still a good comparison.)
DS was miserable at school, had a tummy ache every Monday morning, didn't (couldn't?) tell me what was wrong then I found out in Yr4 that he was being bullied and had been putting up with it for two years. I felt so awful that I hadn't known. Moved him to a different school the next day and he was so much happier. He thrived.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 02/02/2017 12:23

Oh dear, just read your last post. She sounds like one of 'those' parents, who are so very fortunate to have birthed a Golden Boy 🤔 (they can do no wrong ever!). Might still be worth asking the teacher to look at the interaction, talk about expected behaviour and values, and if that still doesn't work, then yes, consdier another school. He'll only get one childhood, it needs to be a happy one, away from children incapable of kindness.

holidaysaregreat · 02/02/2017 12:26

I'd consider moving him as he will have another 5 years with a tiny pool of boys to be friends with. As others have said if you were in a job where you had a small department and someone was horrible to you then you would move.
However I also think you should speak to school. Also I would stop socializing with them as a family & just meet as grown ups. Not only does your son have to contend with this boy in class but also out of school. I wouldn't however tell the other Mum that this was the reason for moving. Maybe find another good reason without blaming the school.
Tricky one.

Original poster
Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 12:27

I spoke to teacher this morning who witnessed this child ripping up my sons work yesterday. She said she will watch today and speak to the children about being kind and values (the school is very up on this sort of thing) I will have another chat with her at pick up. When my son started school he was happy, out going and confident and am worried this will stop all of that.

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Original poster
Wormwoodm · 02/02/2017 12:35

It's going to be hard when school bring her in and tell her what's been happening. Especially as she has been told everything that's happened, but she believes it's another boy doing it. He's so calculated for 6!

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