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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about this mid day assistant?

88 replies

Orangedoesrhyme · 01/02/2017 19:06

He's male, early twenties

Firstly I am not a crazed peado hunter. I used a male childminder for years when my children were young.

There's something just a bit off about him, I'm not sure if it's because he tries very hard to be "down with the kids" or because he is quite immature, but my gut just says something is wrong.

Two incidences: firstly DD left yr 6 last year. He wrote in her leavers book, Dear x, will miss you when you go to high school (crying face), stay away from the boys (winky face) lol lol lol, lots of love Mr X. Then a few kisses.

Today DS said oh DD was crying st school today and stayed with Mr X at lunch time. It was well gross he was rubbing her neck. I asked DD (6) what he meant and she said that she had fallen out with her friends and Mr X said she could stay with him for lunch time. They were sat on a bench and he was rubbing her neck I asked her to show me how and it was like a light squeezing motion back and forth.

I can't work out if I am being over sensitive because I didn't like the note he put in DDs book last year or if this is normal?

What do you think?

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 01/02/2017 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Orangedoesrhyme · 01/02/2017 19:13

Coincidentally the boys at school do not like him one bit. DS says he's "weird" and that's not like him at all.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 01/02/2017 19:14

The neck rubbing sounds inappropriate.

MargotLovedTom1 · 01/02/2017 19:14

Yes, it seems he has issues with recognising appropriate boundaries, at the very least, and I would not be comfortable with it either.

JennyOnAPlate · 01/02/2017 19:15

It sounds like he needs some safeguarding training to be honest. I don't think you would be unreasonable to mention the two incidents to the head.

DearMrDilkington · 01/02/2017 19:15

I'd feel uncomfortable with the neck thing, male or female.

QforCucumber · 01/02/2017 19:17

Do you know if he has some for of learning disability? It could be that hes socially awkward and therefore unaware of boundaries. I would mention it but maybe not as a complaint, more a concern.

strongswans · 01/02/2017 19:19

I wouldn't feel happy about that, male or female I think someone needs to remind him of the right boundaries

NavyandWhite · 01/02/2017 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sum1killthepawpatrollers · 01/02/2017 19:20

im a big believer in gut feelings. i had the same feeling about dh uncle who i met 30 years ago as a child, there was just something about him i didnt like but couldnt put my finger on what it was.
i married dh and said about this but he was adamant he was a top bloke..... hes just been charged with child sex abuse offences and there will be more charges to follow.
now dont get me wrong im not saying there is something dodgy about this fella, as it could all be perfectly innocent.
maybe talk to the safeguarding officer about your concerns?

Saucery · 01/02/2017 19:21

Absolutely no one in a school should be touching a child in that way. Raise it with the Head asap.

DJBaggySmalls · 01/02/2017 19:24

I dont think you are over reacting.

MrsSthe3rd · 01/02/2017 19:26

Considering some schools aren't even allowed to put plasters on the children, this would be seen as wholly inappropriate!

everdene · 01/02/2017 19:31

I've had safeguarding training for working with school age children and the guidance is very clear - no unsolicited touching of any kind from the adult.

No high fives, no sitting on knee, definitely no rubbing of the neck. I'd report it.

Dahlietta · 01/02/2017 19:35

I'd report it too. Hopefully, he is just naive about interactions with children, but even if that's all it is, he's still desperately in need of some specific advice so you're doing him a favour in a way. He'll get into trouble at some point if he carries on like this.

Goandplay · 01/02/2017 19:36

Always follow your gut instinct and what the boys if the school are saying speaks volumes!

NotYoda · 01/02/2017 19:37

I also don't think you are over-reacting.

comedycentral · 01/02/2017 19:37

I'm sorry that's just not appropriate, you need to bring it up with the head teacher. Nobody should be massaging your child. No need to guess if he was just being friendly or socially alkward or immature that bit doesn't matter, massaging kids is a no no.

PonderLand · 01/02/2017 19:39

I would complain. It's so inappropriate.

Also the thing written in her Year book is extremely odd and when you put the two things together it's no wonder you're concerned. What's he doing/saying that isn't seen/written down?

Grannyben · 01/02/2017 19:43

Speak to the head teacher, as a concern not a complaint. I certainly wouldn't be happy with his actions and don't think they should be overlooked

SayenRose · 01/02/2017 19:47

This sounds very inappropriate.

I work in a primary and never initiate physical contact, even if the children hug me by surprise I pat the shoulder gently and then pull away.

Altimate · 01/02/2017 19:50

Follow this up, either with whoever is in charge of Safeguarding or with the Head. Make an appointment. If he is naive / immature / whatever, he needs to be 'explained' to. If not - well, just consider Ian Huntley.
All Safeguarding training says this is not appropriate, and your instincts are spot on.

Fuxfurforall · 01/02/2017 19:51

Neck rubbing is odd behaviour - as is putting kisses after his name in a message. It could be due to ignorance/immaturity on his part - or something else. Either way, if it registers on your radar as a bit off - then it is worth broaching it all with the Head.

viques · 01/02/2017 19:52

you need to speak to the head ASAP, as in tomorrow( probably easier to speak to a Deputy tbh), even if this middays intentions are innocent and he is just not aware of boundaries-though to be honest unless he has been locked in a darkened roo for the last 20years it is hard to see how he has NOT been aware - but also for his own protection as sooner or later it is likely that a child or a parent will take things further and make a formal complaint, or worse a malicious complaint.

PurpleMinionMummy · 01/02/2017 19:58

Yanbu. Report to the head.

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