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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about this mid day assistant?

88 replies

Orangedoesrhyme · 01/02/2017 19:06

He's male, early twenties

Firstly I am not a crazed peado hunter. I used a male childminder for years when my children were young.

There's something just a bit off about him, I'm not sure if it's because he tries very hard to be "down with the kids" or because he is quite immature, but my gut just says something is wrong.

Two incidences: firstly DD left yr 6 last year. He wrote in her leavers book, Dear x, will miss you when you go to high school (crying face), stay away from the boys (winky face) lol lol lol, lots of love Mr X. Then a few kisses.

Today DS said oh DD was crying st school today and stayed with Mr X at lunch time. It was well gross he was rubbing her neck. I asked DD (6) what he meant and she said that she had fallen out with her friends and Mr X said she could stay with him for lunch time. They were sat on a bench and he was rubbing her neck I asked her to show me how and it was like a light squeezing motion back and forth.

I can't work out if I am being over sensitive because I didn't like the note he put in DDs book last year or if this is normal?

What do you think?

OP posts:

Miserylovescompany2 · 01/02/2017 19:59

It would make me feel uneasy, if anything untoward happened (not saying it would, but you just don't know?) and I hadn't mentioned it, then I'd blame myself.

You can comfort someone with words, you don't need to touch them.

blueirishues · 01/02/2017 20:00

I think it's important to raise this because even if it is the case that he is harmless, it blurs boundaries and therefore makes children vulnerable to behaviour that is not benign.

FurryLittleTwerp · 01/02/2017 20:02

He's early 20s? He sounds about twelve!!

Agree this is inappropriate, but I think it's more likely he's a bit daft & immature perhaps she reminds him of his little sister

I do think it needs flagging up though, if only to prevent him doing anything dafter in the future.

Beeziekn33ze · 01/02/2017 20:04

Is DD 6 or Y6? I thought at first that you meant she'd left the school. Why would he write all that if she was just moving up to another year?
He does sound as if he's behaving inappropriately, you should certainly have a word with a senior member of staff.

blueirishues · 01/02/2017 20:09

I think OP probably has two daughters.

Andrewofgg · 01/02/2017 20:10

if it was just the kisses after his name to a child he'll probably never see again, well, so what. But the neck rubbing is just plain wrong, however harmlessly it was meant, and it probably was. Report to HT at once. I am in two minds about whether you should mention what the boys think - their instincts may be spot on but probably not. I'd be interested to know what others think about that.

fuckingwall · 01/02/2017 20:10

I think op has 2 dd's.
This sounds like a young man who is immature and unaware of boundaries rather than anything sinister.

HollywoodStunt · 01/02/2017 20:11

Am confused as well, because you said she was in Y6 and had a leavers book then you're saying she's six and still in the school. Unless you meant it's two different daughters but that isn't transparent. Not that it matters

FurryLittleTwerp · 01/02/2017 20:12

My DS had a leavers' book in the 6th form, not primary year 6 (aged 11)

agree might be confusing

parklives · 01/02/2017 20:12

I would raise it, in writing with the head teacher. Mr X is breaking safe guarding rules that the school will have. The was no reason for him to touch a child in his care.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 01/02/2017 20:16

Trust your gut.

lalalalyra · 01/02/2017 20:17

The school needs to know about this. In the best case scenario he's teaching children inappropriate boundaries with an adult in that situation and putting himself in an incredibly vulnerable position.

Prettybaffled · 01/02/2017 20:17

I think you need to raise it and I am very relaxed about male carers. The touch here is a definite red flag. The message in itself is also borderline. I think you need to ask the head to investigate.

I also ageee with others that feelings are there for a reason. There is only one person I have ever been wary to have around my dc and who gives me the creeps. I still have no evidence for why I feel like this but my kids will not sleep over with the family concerned.

harderandharder2breathe · 01/02/2017 20:18

I don't think it sounds like he means it in anything other than an innocent way but he does need safeguarding training.

juniorcakeoff · 01/02/2017 20:20

Starting to push boundaries as a test is a classic stage in some paedophiles' grooming of children. Starts out with special treatment, being singled out or especially praised, then the 'test' touches, usually innocently explainable if the child protests or tells someone. Tell head.

MistressMolecules · 01/02/2017 20:24

I would raise your concerns with the HT, it may be innocent and if so then he will get the training he needs to not over step the mark. If on the other hand, there is more to it then it will be dealt with. I think the head in this case is the best port of call.

Sophia1984 · 01/02/2017 20:24

I would be absolutely fuming at a member of school staff sexualising my 11 year old daughter like that (if I had one!) - winky faces and 'stay away from the boys' is doing exactly that. There is absolutely no excuse for the neck rubbing-as others have said, if a pupil ever tries to hug me I turn it into a shoulder pat.

HughJarss · 01/02/2017 20:34

I don't like the sound of this, at all. If your DS thinks it's weird then that's a huge red flag. Go with your gut and speak to the school asap.

MrsBlennerhassett · 01/02/2017 20:36

I dont think hes a paedo but his behaviour is not appropriate its far too familiar and sort of flirty! I think he just needs someone to have a word with him about how to behave with kids and boundaries. Id flag this up with the school and just say that his behaviour is not professional. This sort of behaviour would possibly be okay with a relative he was familiar with but not children he is responsible for in a professional capacity.

Astoria7974 · 01/02/2017 20:41

Is the daughter 6, in year 6, or in 6th form?

user892 · 01/02/2017 20:49

even if it is the case that he is harmless, it blurs boundaries and therefore makes children vulnerable to behaviour that is not benign

Absolutely this ^

It's a bit groom-y.

LindyHemming · 01/02/2017 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JigglyTuff · 01/02/2017 20:58

I think there are 2 DDs - one in yr 7 and the other in yr 2 (?)

Either way, I think you should say something. FWIW, I had a teacher who drew a picture of a dog with big fangs and who wrote 'un grand chien qui mange des belles jeunes filles' (A big dog who eats pretty little girls) in my leaving book from primary and it freaked me out. He always gave me the creeps too and I wish my parents had said something.

Have you asked your older DD how she feels about him and what he wrote?

SingingInTheRainstorm · 01/02/2017 21:01

Was there a reason he could have been rubbing her neck, like it was sore, she hurt it?
It goes without saying there are boundaries now, when I was at school if you fell over a TA would kiss your knee. That was decades ago though.
There should be a head supervisor monitoring what her staff are up to. So you want to speak to someone.

Sara107 · 01/02/2017 21:05

I would not like the neck rubbing either. He should really have tried to help the child find another child to play with, not taken her aside to sit with him. Although he may not have inappropriate intentions, at the least it sounds like he could do with a bit of training.

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