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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about this mid day assistant?

88 replies

Orangedoesrhyme · 01/02/2017 19:06

He's male, early twenties

Firstly I am not a crazed peado hunter. I used a male childminder for years when my children were young.

There's something just a bit off about him, I'm not sure if it's because he tries very hard to be "down with the kids" or because he is quite immature, but my gut just says something is wrong.

Two incidences: firstly DD left yr 6 last year. He wrote in her leavers book, Dear x, will miss you when you go to high school (crying face), stay away from the boys (winky face) lol lol lol, lots of love Mr X. Then a few kisses.

Today DS said oh DD was crying st school today and stayed with Mr X at lunch time. It was well gross he was rubbing her neck. I asked DD (6) what he meant and she said that she had fallen out with her friends and Mr X said she could stay with him for lunch time. They were sat on a bench and he was rubbing her neck I asked her to show me how and it was like a light squeezing motion back and forth.

I can't work out if I am being over sensitive because I didn't like the note he put in DDs book last year or if this is normal?

What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangedoesrhyme · 01/02/2017 21:06

Sorry was just doing bed times!

I have two DDs and 1 DS. Oldest DD left year 6 last year and youngest DD is 6.

I'm going to speak to the head tomorrow. I've asked DS why he thinks he's weird and he said "he just is, he acts like a kid not like a teacher and I don't like him". Think that's the first time I've ever heard him say he doesn't like anyone.

I asked DD about it again but she just said "stop asking mummy it's boring" . She did then say he's not nice all the time sometimes he's really strict like in the toilets. I said what do you mean and she said "we aren't allowed to talk in the toilets and he tells us off if we do". I asked her if he was in the toilets and she said he holds the door open so we don't mess around. I asked which door and she said the main one not the actual toilet doors.

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangedoesrhyme · 01/02/2017 21:09

Eldest DD (year 7) says he's really cool and she liked his trainers because he had the ones that all the girls wanted (adidas superstars apparently!). I said did she think he was strange and she said no but the boys don't like him. He only came a few months before she left so I don't think she knew him that well.

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 01/02/2017 21:12

I don't like the sound of him being in charge of the toilets either. That is very odd.

MidniteScribbler · 01/02/2017 21:16

The message was inappropriate. "It's been a pleasure having you in my class, good luck at high school" is all that is needed.

I don't have an issue with a certain amount of touch, and I think it's a shame we've become so risk adverse that even the most innocent touch is seen as something sinister. I've given plenty of my students a hug (when they initiate it themselves) and a crying child may get a pat on the back. Touch is very important, and the day I can't give a child who is upset a pat on the back is the day I give up my job.

That said, any touch that a child is uncomfortable with needs to be reported ASAP. It sounds like he needs some training ASAP.

blueirishues · 01/02/2017 21:21

Hug is fine depending on how and why.

Massaging a neck is NOT fine!

VeritysWatchTower · 01/02/2017 21:23

I merely volunteer in a primary school and have had to read and sign to say I have read 2 weighty policy documents, one purely on safeguarding and the other one working with children.

It is explicit in regard to touching/physical contact with a child from comforting children to preventing them hurting others or themselves.

The neck rubbing is completely inappropriate.

I took a crying child out of a classroom today and all I could do was put my fingertips on her back to head her in the right direction. It is hard not to comfort an upset child, this one was sobbing, but I am not allowed to put an arm round her. I was in a public area of the school with other staff members. Still a no.

This is because I have no idea if as child has been abused so the rule applies to all children.

mygrandchildrenrock · 01/02/2017 21:24

This is exactly how I feel. I ruffle children's hair, I pat children's backs, I work with young children where touch is just part of their lives.

Having said that, if you're worried then talk to the Headteacher about your concerns.

Original poster

Orangedoesrhyme · 01/02/2017 21:29

I have no issues with touch tbh. Even a quick cuddle would have been ok if she was really upset. But the neck rubbing just seems inappropriate especially as she had her hair down so it was underneath her hair (I don't know why that bit is bothering me so much but it seems more intimate?!)

OP posts:

blueirishues · 01/02/2017 21:32

The 'don't touch children' doesn't mean you can't put an arm round, hand on shoulder, arm out or any other reasonable action.

You might know you have absolutely no ill intent towards a child. But not everyone is harmless. If boundaries have been pushed with regards to cuddling, petting, stroking - it makes a child more vulnerable to grooming.

It's the same with things like texting, social media and so on. YOU have no sinister intentions, but some people do.

Ohyesiam · 01/02/2017 21:33

You are not over reacting
The neck touching is not at all right. You need to report it to the head teacher asap.

Prettybaffled · 01/02/2017 21:38

Touch is fine, but if she and onlookers thought it not right then it wasn't. Head teacher needs to check it out.,

user1485982179 · 01/02/2017 21:46

I've had this same feeling but as a child myself (well, 14) at a summer camp. Culminated in the individual in question (a 29 year old instructor) trying to kiss me at the camp party. Hard to know what to advise but my gut feeling about these situations has always ended up being right. Sadly.

PopcornBits · 01/02/2017 21:50

No no no. Remove your daughter from him now.
He is displaying affection in a very physically nature, he is grooming her.
Do not allow this to advance because it will.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 01/02/2017 21:58

Urgh, I wouldn't be happy about this at all. I'm a huge believer in gut feelings and trusting them. My nan used to say the same. She had a friend who's DP would always make a point of coming and hugging me as a child, no need to whatsoever, I hated him and so did my nan, she used to warn me he was coming because she knew I would hide. My grandad has a friend that I've never liked as well, again neither does my nan. Neither of us knows why, as as far as we know, nothing has ever happened, but we both have strong feelings of dislike for the same men. My nan has really good instincts and she feels off about DH's uncle but can't say why, just something there. He is slightly odd tbh so I am careful when we are around there.

Definitely speak to the school. I would not want anyone touching my child in this way. I can't even imagine a close family member doing this tbh.

SavoyCabbage · 01/02/2017 22:00

People who work in schools get so much training on safeguarding. I'm always conscious of making sure I'm not by myself with a child for example. I can't imagine a situation where rubbing the neck of a child would be ok. The yearbook comment is wildly inappropriate. Sexualising an 11 year old.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/02/2017 22:06

Lots of his behaviour is inappropriate, you need to flag this with the headteacher. What's he doing in the toilets in his own with children! Tge touching, very inaporopriate!

Original poster

Orangedoesrhyme · 01/02/2017 22:11

I'm going to dig out her leavers book and take it in with me

OP posts:

Lucy7400 · 01/02/2017 22:17

Definitely report

RedHelenB · 01/02/2017 23:25

As a lunchtime supervisor he may well not have the same "professionalism" as the teaching staff as he wont have had the same training. I can see how a young man would write a jokey comment in a year book and not thibj anything of it (Y6 is notorious for boyfriend/girlfriendtalk!) but the neck rubbing does sound a bit strange, particularly as she was upset because of a fallout with her friends rather than any injury..

YAdefinitely NBU to raise the matter with school.

phoe6e · 01/02/2017 23:29

Creepy AF
Report

SaltySalt · 01/02/2017 23:34

Report him even if it's innocent he obviously needs some training in what's appropriate.

Beeziekn33ze · 01/02/2017 23:44

Definitely needs raising at school. Even if totally innocent mistakes his behaviour is not acceptable.

Coffee3 · 01/02/2017 23:47

OP I rarely comment on these threads but I have had a lot of safeguarding training and unfortunately what you are describing does sound potentially like 'grooming'.
When behaviour is unusual but not 'inappropriate enough' it can go unchallenged; which is why every little thing must be reported to form a bigger picture.
If lots of 'minor' inappropriate episodes occur it can give abusers more confidence/ freedom to try and push the boundaries further and then they have been in a setting for a while and the other staff start to say 'oh that's just X he's always been a bit like that'. Whereas actually he is creating an environment where the rules are different for him. This is then a potentially very dangerous situation.
Please please report this and do not let it drop. I would be advising your children to trust their gut instincts too and remind them how adults should behave around them and what to do if they're worried etc.

Prettybaffled · 02/02/2017 00:03

This thread has reminded me of the horrible Nigel Leat case where he did lots of "cuddling/tickling"

FireInTheHead · 02/02/2017 02:19

OP go with your gut. Complain about this teacher. He shouldn't be touching the kids in his charge.
I had an uncle l loathed, didn't know why, he never attempted to touch me but there was just something about him that made my flesh crawl. He stayed with us for a while after he left the army. Years later he was arrested for sexually abusing his girlfriend's young son. On further investigation other victims came to light - he had a pattern of going after single mums with young kids. Then my younger brother stepped forward and went to the police! Turned out he had abused him too as a child when he was staying with us all those years before. I still beat myself up about that, my poor brother. Breaks my heart what he went through. I didn't know or even suspect what he had been doing but I knew there was something very wrong about that man and I never spoke out. If I had maybe I could have convinced my parents to make him leave. He's dead now, died in prison and I couldn't be happier about that.

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