Brother Who Doesn't Know I Exist.

[rumplestiltskins]

TLDR: I am friends with my brother, and he has no idea we're even related. Our shared father has stopped me from telling him for 16 years.

Hello mums (and others).

So this is a pretty crazy story, which I hope I can paint clearly for you in this post. I guess I'll have to start at the beginning, so I apologise in advance.

I didn't have a present father when I was growing up. I only really ever had my mum. She was awesome, but I always wanted to know where the other part of my DNA came from. Milkman, Secret Agent, Sperm Bank, whatever. I had assumptions, like every kid in that situation would - but they only ever came to light when I was around 12 years old. She had this friend (who we'll call K) who was periodically around the house. Sometimes he'd visit for coffee, she'd pick him up from the pub, or they'd get drunk and he'd spend the night. Never anything more than that.

One evening, I asked her if he was my dad. She said he was. At the time, I was excited. Adolescentently, I thought that once I'd uncovered his identity he'd suddenly become the dad I wanted. I was wrong.

Turns out he already had a family who lived one street away from my mum and I. He had a wife... a daughter who was 2 years older than me... and a son who was 2 years younger than me.

That's right. I was the love child of a married man who decided to stay with his wife and keep me a secret.

Fast forward.

In my early 20's I was in a rock band which was gaining some national hype. Before leaving for a short UK stint, we were invited for an interview with a local music magazine in our home town. We sat down on one side of the desk, and on the other side sat my brother. Needless to say, I could barely get a sentence together.

In any case, the interview went well, and it turned out that he and I got on really well. So much so that HE decided to keep in touch. We aren't best friends or anything, but he'd happily drop me a line to talk about music.

I've asked my biological father on countless occasions to allow me the opportunity to approach my brother and form a true relationship. He denies it at every turn, claiming that it wouldn't a good time due to university exams, or other such nonsense.

Fast forward.

I've since had 2 daughters, the latter of whom will be turning 1 in a fortnight. K has nothing to do with these children and has met neither. Since having kids, I've approached my father again - in the hopes that he could understand why I want my brother (and to a similar extent, sister) to be involved in my family.

I feel like I've reached the end of my tether, and I need to bring this to a close. It's been 16 years of waiting. And I think about my brother every day.

Am I being unreasonable to disregard my "father" and his wishes.... by just approaching my brother anyway and trying to get what I've always wanted?

I don't have that choice though
You have the choice to not build a relationship with your siblings
The OPs brother does not. Maybe he would chose to continue the friendship/relationship if he knew, maybe he wouldn't. He would have the same choice that the OP has if he did know though

Obviously none of you had the choice about being in the situation in the first place, but telling the brother would at least give him some choice with regards to what comes next (relationship or no relationship)

Be prepared for your brother to react badly.

A friend was the secret child of his married father and single mother. His dad got ill and was in hospital for years.

Friend had to sneak in to see his father without bumping into father's wife or 2 DC. One day the timing was off and he bumped into his half-brother. He explained who he was and gave his business card to said half-brother saying he'd like to get in touch.

Half-brother never ever contacted him. Total rejection.

(fortunately he's not bothered because he had nothing to lose - no prior relationship with half-brother)

I can see Chatty point of view - certainly that how many of the people in my wider family seem to end up feeling about their half siblings they had little or nothing to do with growing up.

However i do think The OP is feeling he is almost lying to a friend - someone he has an independent relationship with. He's not mentioning approaching his sister - just the brother who he's who been in contact with him.

I wouldn't bother with what K wants at all.

If it's really bother the OP I think as long as they are prepare that they may not get the reaction they really want - writing a letter his brother can choose to ignore or not respond to saying it's bothering him about whether he knows he is his half brother or not is probably best way forward.

Just one point of detail- you said above that K had not been in a relationship with your mother since you were born, but in your OP you describe him as coming to your place and sometimes staying the night. So it seems he did continue sleeping with your mother long after your sister's birth, quite probably despite telling his wife he had ended everything. I am not sure if it's relevant or not but you seemed to be suggesting that the fact the relationship ended when you were born was significant, so thought I'd mention it.

Sorry "after your brother's birth" not your sister's ( I had misremembered that she was the youngest of the three of you).

I ended up sitting in a classroom as my cousin after he got sent out into my class. My parents were young, and my paternal family had no involvement in my life from infancy. I'd worked out from the name that this lad was my cousin. I knew where my father lived, but respected my mother's wishes for me not to get in touch for years.

I spent several years at school wondering of this lad knew he had a cousin, and if he knew it was me. I carried that curiosity for years. I knew my mother had been emotionally hurt those years before, but I reached a point where I had to do it for me. I was an adult and at a stable point to withstand the consequences as best as I could.

As it turned out, it worked out well for me. Times had changed and my paternal family had regretted their choices in the past. It has had a consequence on my relationship with my mother, but that wasn't great anyway, and I have gained more by gaining my paternal family.

Is the risk of losing your brother's friendship worse than the uncertainty of living with this half secret? You have not created this situation, and your paternal family's happiness seems to be teetering on this concealment that your father created, not you.

I am happier for getting touch, and saw it from the point of view that I had nothing to lose if things did hit the fan. I wasn't happy supressing myself to appease my mother.

To add you might not be the only sibling out there if he did it once his more than likely done it a lot.

My bio dad had a wife and two children with his wife while at the same time sleeping with and impregnating many women. My mother being one of those women, the wife knew, their joint children knew but it was never to be spoken about from what I've heard from people who have managed to link my mother to him.

I got in touch by letter.

I think you should just write the letter. Don't tell K, unless you feel you owe him that loyalty. If you do, put his letter in the same post. Don't tell him first and give him chance to get his bullshit spin in first.

I would.tell your brother. I would send him an email. I wouldn't tell your father first. He had had all these years and done nothing. Hopefully you will be able to gain relationshipsome with your siblings. I hope it works out for you

Loads of good advice here op. And I agree don't pre-warn K -he's nit looking out for your best interests at all.
Will you give us an update on every detail broadly speaking if you manage to resolve this? It's a fascinating story.

It sounds as though you have built up the relationship with your brother in your head into something that may never materialise.

I would only tell him if you have no expectations of him and are prepared for a bad reaction, up to and including him cutting contact with you. After all you have been getting to know him over a period of years while withholding your motives for doing so.

What your father wants is irrelevant.

Jaysus thats a lot of responses! I really am quite blown away by the amount of help youve offered.

I'll try and clear a few things up as best i can.

The relationship between my mother and father wasnt something i was ever cognitavely aware of. If they were continuing to see each other after i was born, it was definitely over by the time i was around 4 or 5.

My mum is still alive, as is K. I dont see either of them going anywhere any time soon. Theyre only in their 50's.

I would obviously love to form a relationship with C, but im under no illusion that it could be at great cost. Thankfully, ive managed to keep our current 'friendship' at a good distance. We're the type of pals who would happily chat about one thing online, or a quick 'well, how have you been getting on with X Y and Z?' If we bumped into each other at the pub.

Its never gone any further than that - for the very reason that i didnt want to lead him into a false sense of security that i knew i would one day have to shatter.

Im certainly not expecting anything massive from him immediately. Im sure he'll have a lot to talk to K about, which he's entitled to do. Maybe he'll get more from him than i ever have.

A few comments have definitely got me thinking though... am i the only stray? What if there's more that no one knows about?

From what my mother has told me, the reason she ended the relationship was because he was caught out cheating on her too.

This has taken an unexpected spiral.

Promise to keep you all updated with everything.

Maybe time to pen the initial e-mail?

good luck Rumple

(hope you get a good song out of it at least ;-))

"The relationship between my mother and father wasnt something i was ever cognitavely aware of. If they were continuing to see each other after i was born, it was definitely over by the time i was around 4 or 5."

I'm confused. In your opening post you said:-

She had this friend (who we'll call K) who was periodically around the house. Sometimes he'd visit for coffee, she'd pick him up from the pub, or they'd get drunk and he'd spend the night. Never anything more than that.
One evening, I asked her if he was my dad. She said he was. At the time, I was excited.

Which sounds as though he was around and you were aware of their relationship, hence asking her if he was your father. Which is it?

Sorry, I'll clarify that.

He was around a lot more when I was very young. But once I hit about 5 or so... the visits became VERY infrequent. Maybe 3 times a year. And that was only ever for a coffee.

A few comments have definitely got me thinking though... am i the only stray?

Ha! My friend discovered his dad was a shagger and found 6 half-siblings

Your story rings so familiar. I too was the result of my mothers affair with a married man, who was over the years 'a family friend', who often dropped by and who I actually developed a close bond with (all stage managed by my mother behind the rest of the familys back). When I worked out the truth in my mid teens I was manipulated by my mother, over many years, to keep it a secret.

Telling my siblings the truth (when I was 40 and in therapy!) was more liberating than I could have realised. They were shocked but all reassured me it didn't change a thing. I have not reached out to my 2 half sisters as I've yet to work out what I would gain from telling them. But that's where my situation is different from yours. I now live in a different country and have no contact with them. Our father and their mother are both dead many years now, so it's not about fear of breaking up an entire family unit. I just think I need to be prepared for what I want/don't want, and be able to manage any outcome.

My advice is to put yourself and your mental well being first. Don't carry this secret down the generations....own who you are and be proud. And if that means that your half brother might find out from someone else, you should be the one to tell him.

Any feelings of guilt or shame attached to this situation are not yours to own. They belong to your mother and father.

It's highly unlikely that given your age and the way you say came in from the pub that quite a few people know exactly who your dad is and who your siblings are. It all sounds very local and things in those types of places although not spoken of out loud in public or to the people it's about are very much common knowledge.

My bio father sounds a lot like your in regards to the pub and going round to the house but it all dying off after a few years, as well as the multiple women at once, his children at home would of had to of led a very very sheltered life to at least of not over heard something that implied secret siblings. Many children know their parents are cheating/leading double life's even though as far as everyone else believes the child knows nothing about it.

I think you should give your father the opportunity to tell his other children about you. Tell him (in a letter) that if he doesn't tell them, then you will. This way, you're not doing his dirty work for him, and it also gives him time to talk it over with his wife, and agree on how best to tell their children. Most importantly, your father may not even tell his other children that you gave him an ultimatum, -it may make him look better that he has come to the conclusion himself that the time is now right. Don't feel guilty!

Continuing from my last post...
I should have added , thus it doesn't make you look like the one to spill the beans and suffer any possible backlash. Put yourself first in all dealings with your dad and siblings- you deserve it!

I think you should give your father the opportunity to tell his other children about you. Tell him (in a letter) that if he doesn't tell them, then you will.

Apart from all the years of opportunity he's had already? he's been the one in control all this time the OP does not need to give him another chance

at worst, an ultimatum/warning will give him a chance to discredit the OP and her mother - he's not exactly shown himself to be upstanding and it won't be the first time a man has primed his "first" family about the "crazy lady who lives a few streets over who kept accusing every man in town of being the father of her children"

If I were the sibling (I'm female so would be a sister, not brother) I would resent that my brother knew and didn't tell me, so I would tell, not rely on forcing father's hand.