Brother Who Doesn't Know I Exist.

[rumplestiltskins]

TLDR: I am friends with my brother, and he has no idea we're even related. Our shared father has stopped me from telling him for 16 years.

Hello mums (and others).

So this is a pretty crazy story, which I hope I can paint clearly for you in this post. I guess I'll have to start at the beginning, so I apologise in advance.

I didn't have a present father when I was growing up. I only really ever had my mum. She was awesome, but I always wanted to know where the other part of my DNA came from. Milkman, Secret Agent, Sperm Bank, whatever. I had assumptions, like every kid in that situation would - but they only ever came to light when I was around 12 years old. She had this friend (who we'll call K) who was periodically around the house. Sometimes he'd visit for coffee, she'd pick him up from the pub, or they'd get drunk and he'd spend the night. Never anything more than that.

One evening, I asked her if he was my dad. She said he was. At the time, I was excited. Adolescentently, I thought that once I'd uncovered his identity he'd suddenly become the dad I wanted. I was wrong.

Turns out he already had a family who lived one street away from my mum and I. He had a wife... a daughter who was 2 years older than me... and a son who was 2 years younger than me.

That's right. I was the love child of a married man who decided to stay with his wife and keep me a secret.

Fast forward.

In my early 20's I was in a rock band which was gaining some national hype. Before leaving for a short UK stint, we were invited for an interview with a local music magazine in our home town. We sat down on one side of the desk, and on the other side sat my brother. Needless to say, I could barely get a sentence together.

In any case, the interview went well, and it turned out that he and I got on really well. So much so that HE decided to keep in touch. We aren't best friends or anything, but he'd happily drop me a line to talk about music.

I've asked my biological father on countless occasions to allow me the opportunity to approach my brother and form a true relationship. He denies it at every turn, claiming that it wouldn't a good time due to university exams, or other such nonsense.

Fast forward.

I've since had 2 daughters, the latter of whom will be turning 1 in a fortnight. K has nothing to do with these children and has met neither. Since having kids, I've approached my father again - in the hopes that he could understand why I want my brother (and to a similar extent, sister) to be involved in my family.

I feel like I've reached the end of my tether, and I need to bring this to a close. It's been 16 years of waiting. And I think about my brother every day.

Am I being unreasonable to disregard my "father" and his wishes.... by just approaching my brother anyway and trying to get what I've always wanted?

Haha! Oh god, have i made a faux pas?

I take it all back. Just call me 'she' again.

More and more, i like the idea of a letter. Its a little old fashioned, but perhaps this is what the situation calls for. If i send him (let's call my brother C) something electronic (like a text, or an email) - i know i'll spend the moments after just staring deep into my phone, filled with impatient anxiety.

The question on my mind is... do i tell K? Do i give him an ultimatum to really test his cowardess? Something that frees me of guilt?

For example.

"K, the game is up. I've asked countless times and you've done nothing but give me bullshit excuses. I'm contacting C at the end of the week and telling him everything. Youre welcome to be a part of this, or you can continue to hide."

You owe K nothing & have given him countless opportunities to tell the truth. This isn't your secret to keep & he hasn't been at all fair in asking you to do that.

I'd tell your brother. I think, if I were on the receiving end of that news, I'd rather read it than hear it in person. But we're all different. How good a friend is he? You'd know better than us how he'd react.

Good luck x

Tell him you know it sounds crazy but you have suspicions, and ask if he'd agree to a DNA test.

Bloody do it. It's completely unfair of anyone (an innocent person) to expect you to be complicit in this absolutely ridiculous web of lies.

There are a surprising number of men on here, op, don't worry. It's just the term 'girls', that the 'women', such as I will object to. But that's by the by.

I wouldn't tell 'K' anything about what you want to do, because he will try his best to put barriers in your way. With all due respect to you, he sounds like a selfish bastard. I know I have more that one half sibling, including those born to a woman AND her daughter at the same time. Talk about Jeremy Kyle! Unfortunately I don't know who these siblings are and it's always left me wondering if we could have had a relationship. You know who your brother is, so go for it. If you warn 'K' it will give him time to think about an obvious lie, when your brother confronts him. Good luck.

No. Don't tell K. It gives him an opportunity to get in there first and discredit you / your mum.

Be under no illusion that K doesn't really give a stuff about you, from what you've written here.

Everyone keeps telling you to just tell personally after so long i wouldn't but that being said its solely your decision. What you got to understand and prepare for is he may not want a relationship with you and not to mention the hurt and upset that both your brother and sister will feel, they may not regard you a sister solely because you have a different mother and didn't grow up with them, the family your hoping for might not become a reality and I think its something you've got to consider when opening this can of worms.

Going against the grain here:

You are about to massively rock your brother's world. He did not ask for this information and once the news is out you won't be able to take it back. He might very well wish you never told him. He may be upset yoh didn't tell him for 16 years.
I understand why you want to tell him and it ultimately for your benefit.
What do you hope to achieve by telling him? Is this worth a fairly unpredictable fallout? Are you prepared to lose the friendship with him?
I am not saying don't tell him, but I would encourage you to try and look at the situation from his pov. Take your father out of the equation. Based on his behaviour to you you don't owe him anything.

If you had a brother you didnt know existed, wouldnt you want to know? I know people who have gone through this including 3 families from a serial bigamist.

Dont talk to K, you cant trust him to do the right thing.

I think you can build on the relationship you've already established with your brother as a friend. I know from experience that when siblings meet for the first time it can take a lot of work and it helps to have counselling or a social workers input to help ease things along. Perhaps that would be a good starting point.

GIven your brother's age and the fact that you get on and have shared interests, I think he'll be happy with the news. You owe nothing to your sperm donor "dad"

(PS in my head you're in 2 door cinema club)

(& perhaps more usefully - a friend of mine discovered that a small child she vaguely remembered meeting at intervals in her childhood was her full brother. He'd gone to live elsewhere before she was born because their mother couldn't cope. Mother died decades ago, and when father died a few years back, this stranger turned up at the funeral and introduced himself as her brother. She was delighted to find family amidst the loss and they've maintained a relationship of sorts - it's odd, but been good for all concerned. She isn't in any band at all.)

I would deal with the revelation with your brother first and then inform your father you have done so afterwards. Then he doesn't have a chance to get in and start any madness going.

I think you are both adults, this is now your choice.

I don't know if you're aware of DNA services like 23andme? They do genetic testing for both health and family history purposes, and I had mine done last year and would highly recommend it.

On the health front, particularly if you don't know all of the medical history on your dad's side, it may be very useful.

The other thing (which is optional and which you can choose to participate in) is DNA Relatives, which means you can choose to see who else on the site you are related to. I found my grandfather's cousin, who had lost contact and had actually been trying to find our side of the family for some time! But of course in your circumstances this could be useful for other reasons, both because it might throw up other relatives on your dad's side and because you could always tell your brother that you've been tested and that he could too if he wanted to confirm the relationship.

Best of luck, I have a great deal of sympathy for your difficult situation and I am really sorry for how your dad has behaved.

I'd tell him face to face
I'd want to know if I had a half sibling.
Mid twenties is old enough to know parents aren't perfect.

wow, this is like the plot of a book or something! Good luck!

I have no opinion either way. I just want to know what band you were in.

What about your sister?
Are you concentrating more on your brother because you are friends?
Although I think that he has a right to know just be careful as this could affect so many people.
Is your mother still alive? What does she think?

I would either tell him, or cut all ties with him.

It is unfair on him to build/continue a friendship or working relationship with him that's based on deception. It's not your fault that he's been decieved, but it is your fault if you build up a relationship as friends or business/work associates when really YOU are getting to know your brother IYKWIM

The question on my mind is... do i tell K? Do i give him an ultimatum to really test his cowardess? Something that frees me of guilt?

No. I think its understandable/not uncommon behaviour for you to seek approval and ask permission of your absent father, but it is misguided of you to respect him in this way

What about your half sister... did i miss something, is it just because you are in more contact with Bro...

As a child from a man who spread himself far and wide. I wouldn't make contact.

I know that I have lots of siblings and some may know about me but tbh if I got a letter off one now I would just read it and put it in the bin. I have no desire to "extend" my family or invite strangers into my home and near my children purely because my bio father happened to make them. You would just be another person created from my bio fathers disgusting cheating ways to add to the list of others.

You very well may not get the response you want or any at all from him.

But chatty you have that choice

The OPs brother at present doesn't have the choice to tell her he doesn't want to get to know her as her brother, because he doesn't know that that is what is in fact happening.

I don't have that choice though. Just because I know they exist as In I know he has X amount of children I don't know who they are and it doesn't stop someone suddenly wanting to insert themselves in my live. The op doesn't know that his brother and sister don't know they have a sibling somewhere they just may not know it's him.

The op is a man btw.