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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 03/02/2017 10:31

Op. Don't be put off If you feel you need to report it, do. As I said, if I worked with you and witnessed this, I'd stand up for you . I know the type you describe and I daresay everyone else at work does too. I can't seem him coming off well in this

BorrowedHeart · 03/02/2017 10:34

This reply has been deleted

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BorrowedHeart · 03/02/2017 10:36

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gandalf456 · 03/02/2017 10:37

I do think he does sound scary actually. He's gone from verbally to physically aggressive and has form for being so. It's taken something very small to make him cross the line. I hope they throw the book at him

BorrowedHeart · 03/02/2017 10:38

He has form for being physically abusive, where the fuck did you pull that one from?

gandalf456 · 03/02/2017 10:40

Verbally you plank

BorrowedHeart · 03/02/2017 10:52

Insults, nice. You seem more aggressive than the guy in the post.

gandalf456 · 03/02/2017 11:19

Why thank you xxx

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 03/02/2017 11:19

I do think he does sound scary actually. He's gone from verbally to physically aggressive and has form for being so. It's taken something very small to make him cross the line. I hope they throw the book at him

There is nothing in th OP that states that this male was verbally aggressive, sarky, yes, aggressive, no.

Physically aggressive? He has reacted to what is essentially an assault - the amount of force used with the paper is irrelevant - under U.K. Law it is an offence, it was a Commin Assault. Has he reacted appropriately in the circumstances, we cannot say, as time and again despite repeated requests the OP has declined to say if there was any injury caused, I would therefore take it no injury was caused, therefore likely the male has a defence of self defence.

In this case the person who escalated the violence was the op, talking about the size of the male, his potential to cause injury etc and saying he is in the wrong because of this is akin to calling him a rapist simply because he has the equipment to rape, i.e. His anatomy, this does not make him a rapist

BorrowedHeart · 03/02/2017 12:19

Well said user

gandalf 🙄

BorrowedHeart · 03/02/2017 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Klaphat · 03/02/2017 12:48

The Misandry is evident from the discussion of this being ignored or picked apart simply because it is alleged male on female violence. The fact that the op is boiling this down to being the fault of the male and that males will boil it down and carry out actions in favour of the male party is misandrist.

The person who posted the excerpt you quoted said nothing to suggest that HR would be made up of males.

And acknowledging that society encourages, tolerates and excuses male (as opposed to female) aggression and violence is not misandry.

AllTheGlitters · 03/02/2017 13:44

wettun

Yes I would suggest OP go to HR if a woman or hit her, or if she was a man and he had hit her, or if she was a woman and she hit her! (Hope that makes sense Grin)

And that's why I actually do think the gender is relevant, because OP actually did say that he had thumped her on the arm.

I don't have a problem with her being in the wrong. However I don't agree with people who say violence is a justified reaction to anything, regardless of gender. I don't believe in using violence to resolve any kind of conflict, regardless of whether the other person was violent.

If someone hit me, I would probably cry. I wouldn't get involved in a fight. Because my reactions are my own and based on my own morals, not as the result of the immediate actions. But I understand not everyone thinks this way!

I don't have a problem with people defending this man if it's sensible, and I certainly think it's ridiculous to say it's worse because men are naturally more violent. It really is a horrendous and rejudiced sweeping statement to make. I just think in this particular scenario, the woman's actions were wrong but that does not justify him hitting her back!!! Especially becuae he is a man and can do more damage Not because he is a man he is automatically in the wrong, but just because especially given that he has much more physical strength than her.

But really it's a moot point in this case. It was a work place. She shouldn't have tapped him. He shouldn't have hit her, definitely not. You cannot, especially in a workplace, justify violence with "but he hit me first". It's just immature and not right. I can't understand people who are defending either of their actions. But I do think it's awful how people are saying she deserved to be hurt by him. It's wrong, very wrong indeed.

GeekLove · 03/02/2017 14:07

Is this thread helping the OP in any way? It just seems like a big pointless bunfight and I don't see much of the OP here anyway. I hope she is going to take it further though.

wettundinee · 03/02/2017 15:08

@AllTheGlitters

I'm on my phone and can't really go scrolling back looking for posts, but wasn't it you who kept talking about this male violence when you also say that your advice would be the same.

And that's why I actually do think the gender is relevant

Why? I'm not being obtuse but, why? Surely sex is only relevant when it makes a difference to a situation. By definition, if it makes no difference, it's irrelevant.

I don't have a problem with her being in the wrong. However I don't agree with people who say violence is a justified reaction to anything

99.99% of the time - including this - yes., absolutely.

I don't believe in using violence to resolve any kind of conflict, regardless of whether the other person was violent.

Again, it can be necessary. I'd laugh at this being assaulted (from the OP). Hitting her back wasn't the answer.

Especially because he is a man and can do more damage.

But he didn't. You're right. Statistically, he had the strength to hit her on the jaw with a right hook and knock her sparko. What he could have done has no bearing.

Not because he is a man he is automatically in the wrong, but just because especially given that he has much more physical strength than her.

Which he didn't use. He open handed slapped her on the arm. Completely wrong but well within a typical woman's ability too.

The one thing I don't get is how either of their sex comes into it.

AllTheGlitters · 03/02/2017 15:33

Wettun

It's funny, I simultaneously think gender is is relevant and irrelevant in instances like these (Confused!)

Like, as a said, regardless of gender if the OP feels (rightly or wrongly) that an inordinate amount of force/violence went into her colleague's reaction, I would say she needs to report it or whatever she's comfortable with.

However, with him being erm, particularly male IMO he should (being a human, and aware of the physical differences between the sexes) have been aware that it would be completely out of line to lay hands on her in any way. In reality it should be the case for both genders that is would be a stupid thing to do, but I'm struggling to empathise with his motives to react in this particular way towards a woman.

That's not to say that men shouldn't stand up to violence just because it comes from women, but a) phsyically retaliating is wrong and especially from a male towards a female, and b) reacting like this in the context of what happened does sound kind of inordinate. Technically he may have the rights to report OP just as she feels he wants to report him but in reality the lines are a little more blurred than that.

Life and gender roles are full of nuances and grey areas, it doesn't help on forums like these when people refuse to see that and immediately yell WELL SHE ASSAULTED HIM FIRST AND THEREFORE HE IS RIGHT TO HIT HER BACK.

It's not the way the world really works is it. (Not aimed at you btw, I know you didn't say that!)

AllTheGlitters · 03/02/2017 15:40

And sorry to keep rabbiting on on this thread BTW, I have a very close friend who has developed a very, what she calls feminist, but what I see as very anti-men, attitude. It's had me thinking a lot about the current climate within society regarding gender, and I find discussions like these really interesting

AllTheGlitters · 03/02/2017 15:52

Wettun

Also I don't think so, well I was agreeing with another poster who was defending OP because she was arguing that it wasn't okay for him to hit her, and yes I do agree that the women who were telling her she deserved it are completely in the wrong and it is that kind of attitude that promotes or passivey condones apologist attitudes to male violence. Which is detrimental to both me and women.

I can have an opinion on this particular scenario without sacrificing my wider beliefs, in fact I don't really see why you think my opinions conflict at all?

gandalf456 · 03/02/2017 15:54

She didn't assault him. She playfully tapped him with a paper. If he wanted to do the same, he could have tapped her back with the paper and said jokingly it's you I'm talking to, you muppet. If that had been the case, there would be no thread. This is how reciprocal banter works where I work and it's very much a bantery environment so I would know. Everyone here would see this scenario as crossing the line

gandalf456 · 03/02/2017 15:55

That's not directed at you all that glitters btw

AllTheGlitters · 03/02/2017 16:22

That's okay gandalf I agree with you. I hate to sound like my mother, but the world has truly gone made if they see a tap with a newspaper as an assault...

wettundinee · 03/02/2017 16:33

@AllTheGlitters

I have a very close friend who has developed a very, what she calls feminist, but what I see as very anti-men, attitude

In my experience it's the majority of a small minority of women who identify as feminists who seem to have this opinion.

Men are usually stronger. They can usually harm a woman more than vice versa should they be so inclined. I'm well aware of the (disputed) statistics but would agree that male violence is a problem which needs to be addressed.

I empathise with this man slightly, as I do the OP.

I simultaneously think gender is is relevant and irrelevant in instances like these

Getting splinters there? Smile

We agree they were both wrong and he was wronger. The part of this thread which annoys me most is the people mentioning male violence. it was barely violence*. It's pointless making it a man-woman issue when it isn't.

*an open handed slap on the arm. Calling it male violence insults real victims of any violence.

AllTheGlitters · 03/02/2017 17:21

wettun

Completely agree about the minority of feminists comment, of course I'm a feminist.

And yes agree that we agree. I guess the thing that upset me more is the women telling the OP that she deserved to be hit. But I also agree with your point too!

Hope you get the sorted OP (although I'm sure she gave up reading this thread many pages ago Grin)

Snotgobbler99 · 03/02/2017 17:29

She didn't assault him. She playfully tapped him with a paper.

Sorry but the OP doesn't say that her tap with the newspaper was "playful". She said that she "pretended" to hit him and accidentally made contact. She felt it was banter but, as others have said, banter isn't necessarily always perceived as friendly or pleasant by the person on the receiving end.

Similarly, the OP's perception that the man was sarcastic in the first instance may have been wrong. He may have been being sarcastic or he may not (and the 'sarcasm' was due to the OP's misinterpretation deriving from her acknowledged dislike of him).

We don't know, The only people to witness the whole thing were the OP and the man. No, the man shouldn't have hit her but, equally, she shouldn't have 'pretended' to hit him only to make accidental contact. (What if his blow was equally "accidental"..?).

All we can say is that two adults got involved in an escalating situation. At any point during the escalation either one of them could - or should - have backed down, but failed to do so. Yes the man behaved the worst but the OP has some responsibility. Not the mostpart of the responsibility, but some : He shouldn't have hit her but she shouldn't have initiated the physical aspect of the altercation.

For those that say they can manage "banter" within the workplace (especially with people they dislike), good for them. As I explained upthread, as a man, I never banter with men (or women) that I don't know very well, it's just not worth the risk (especially if I'm alone with them, as in the case with the OP). Having worked with violent people I've learned the hard way that some people (both M&F) are on a hair trigger and you don't necessarily know what the trigger is. That's not to say I never banter, I'm just very careful who I banter with.

What does worry me about this thread is the assumption that because males in general are more likely to commit violence against women that we should then believe that all males are uncontrollably violent.
It's true that, sadly, many men are violent but does that mean they all are? If they all are it becomes an essential argument: That all men are bad by nature and can't change.
This defies both logic and any ethical standpoint. It's the same as saying all muslims are evil.

Worse, still, it allows men to argue that women have essential traits that make them inferior. Personally, I don't want to live in the lose:lose universe this represents - either as a man or a woman.

gandalf456 · 03/02/2017 17:52

I agree . I don't banter with people I don't like or don't know or who appear to be in a bad mood. I think op made an error of judgement but, as many have said, most of the fault lies with the man here