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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 02/02/2017 15:08

All I known is if I witnessed something like this at work from someone known to be difficult I would be on op's side. Op might feel as if was her fault but.I think she might be surprised

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/02/2017 16:25

Then what is the point of pontificating on this thread.
I don't know Italian, why are you pontificating on this this thread?Confused

BorrowedHeart · 02/02/2017 17:46

italian the both of them were not having 'banter', the OP was having banter the guy was not.

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2017 18:31

DioneTheDiabolist I am pontificating on this thread because I am willing bu and large to accept the OPs version of events! Which is the only version we have, it will ever have! We can, of course challenge her as to how she is interpreting things but we only have her view.

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2017 18:32

BorrowedHeart how do you know he was not engaging I'm banter? He started off bring sarcastic. How do you know it was all one way?

BorrowedHeart · 02/02/2017 18:37

How do you know he was.. if you don't like someone you don't banter with them, you are using banter as an excuse.

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2017 18:56

DioneTheDiabolist just to clarify, I was noyeamomh to discourage pontification by anyone. I just meant we only have OP version so if you doubt her version it seems pointless. I mean , yes, she may be exaggerating, she may be reading into things but ultimately this is the only version we will get. So we must at least partly accept it?

Borrowedhaert in the same way, the OP describes a banter like situation, initiated by the man's sarcasm. So I believe her. Maybe she is exaggerating. But she has come here for advice, so why lie?

AlecTrevelyan006 · 02/02/2017 19:11

Banter is only if both people agree it is. If one of them thinks it isn't banter, then it isn't.

BorrowedHeart · 02/02/2017 19:14

It doesn't matter how many people explain that she was also in the wrong, there will still be people who like to blame the men entirely, common sense and logic goes out of the window when a man is involved, what a horrible sad life to lead. I'm done.

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2017 19:34

noyeamomh should be not meaning

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2017 19:37

She may have been in the wrong to engage the man in this way but it just seems that what goes out the window here is some readers willingness to see her as a victim of his behaviour.

I think it is fucking sad some men are aggressive with women but I still think it is a fact.

AlecTrevelyan006 What do you think the man thought was happening?

AlecTrevelyan006 · 02/02/2017 19:49

I don't know what the man thought, because we've only heard one side of the story.

As a line manger of six staff, if this incident happened involving a member of my team then I would certainly want to know about it. If the OP told me what happened as she originally described on here then I would be concerned about both her behaviour and that of her colleague. I would also have further questions of the OP.

I would then want to talk to the man and get his version of events.

Then I might be in a better position to make a judgement, but I think both people involved would get some form of reprimand - although, before reaching that point I would probably try to get both parties together and give them an opportunity to resolve their differences.

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2017 20:03

AlecTrevelyan006 that sounds sensible. So would you say th OP would be wish to report it or ignore?

If the man said he had engaged in banter with OP would you still feel she did something wrong?

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2017 20:04

Wise not wish!

AskBasil · 02/02/2017 21:26

"Do you think that no questions should be asked of the OP? She accused him and everyone should nod sagely because she's a woman and he's a man"

I think you can ask questions about the circumstances.

What I don't think is appropriate on a support forum, is to pretend you are in an HR job or a police investigation and you need to go from the POV that the OP is lying.

This is Mumsnet, not an industrial tribunal. We go from the POV that the OP is telling the truth as she sees it, whether it's about her horrible MIL, what happens to her shower when she cleans it, or whether she flapped a newspaper at her colleague.

"while presumably telling her friends how, quite unprovoked she was violently assaulted by a bully who beat her unconscious and had to be dragged off her.

(Note to other potential OP's - consistency is better, and take it easy with the tales of tears and being violated when you've not come even close)"

Here's this poster taking disbelief of women even further, not only is the OP lying to Mumsnet, she's also bruiting around the office a lie about how her colleague beat her unconscious. Because women always do that about male violence don't they? They exaggerate and lie and blow it out of all proportion and poor menz, having to put up with us and our lying irrational ways.

FFS. Hmm

AskBasil · 02/02/2017 21:29

"if you don't like someone you don't banter with them"

I'm actually gobsmacked by the high-handedness and extraordinary smugness of that remark.

I have spent years of my fucking life, bantering with men (and women) I don't particularly like. Light banter is absolutely normal office currency and you use it with everyone, whether you like them or not. If you don't, it's actually construed as rude, hostile or stand-offish. Particularly from women.

I can't believe how fucking up their own arses some people are, that they would even say something as ignorant and stupid as that tbh.

This is the thread that just keeps giving, innit.

AskBasil · 02/02/2017 21:31

Banter also lightens a mood and enables people who don't particularly have very much in common and don't particularly share very much or get on very well, to make connections even though they don't particularly like each other.

I'm gobsmacked that anyone would claim that you don't banter with people you don't like.

On the contrary, I'm more likely to banter with people I don't like, because I just talk to people I do like, because I've got something to talk to them about.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/02/2017 21:35

"if you don't like someone you don't banter with them"

I'm actually gobsmacked by the high-handedness and extraordinary smugness of that remark.

Well you can be gobsmacked if you like. I wouldn't personally.

I have seen too many situations where bullying is excused as 'banter'.

SaucyJack · 02/02/2017 21:37

I think we can all agree that "banter" did not lighten the mood in the OP's situation.

AskBasil · 02/02/2017 21:40

Are you claiming that no-one ever banters with people they don't like?

That bantering is a sign of liking someone?

Because that's how I took that remark.

That's what's causing my incredulity.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/02/2017 21:43

Are you claiming that no-one ever banters with people they don't like?

No I wouldn't.

I am claiming that as a manager I have had to deal with situations in the past where staff didn't get on that 'banter' was actually bullying.

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2017 21:45

Totally agree with AskBasil who has put it better than I ever could!

Piglet I agree that bullying can be excused as banter. But in this case the man started with sarcastic comment to the OP.

If he were the victim of bullying at her hand it is unlikely he would a seek her out, on her break, and start his interaction with sarcasm. Isn't it?

I work in an office. There is lots of banter. I am sure people occasionally do waggle pencils or things at each other and joke around. If it is unpleasant or inappropriate we would call the other out on it. If I say anything that comes out wrong or it seems to be taken wrongly I apologise. There are clearly in our office people who engage in banter and people who do not.

It is totally normal in an office. If anything stretches/degenerates into bullying then no one should tolerate it.

AskBasil · 02/02/2017 21:51

Well we know all that Piglet, but how does it relate to the argument about not bantering with people you don't like?

This is a very disjointed thread. Confused

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/02/2017 21:52

AskBasil

This is Mumsnet, not an industrial tribunal. We go from the POV that the OP is telling the truth as she sees it, whether it's about her horrible MIL, what happens to her shower when she cleans it, or whether she flapped a newspaper at her colleague.

But that doesn't mean that we should all say that she should go to HR because they will fire him and she will be left totally unscathed by reporting.

The OP also needs to know that her actions could also be put in a bad light and she could also get sanctioned by the company in some way.

RhodaBull · 02/02/2017 22:00

There is a difference between light-hearted conversation/small talk and "banter". I take banter to mean teasing and joshing - hopefully two-way. And that is why banter with someone you don't like is not a good idea.

If someone you like teases you, you take it in good part. If you don't like them, then you may feel their comments to be poorly-disguised insults. I feel it's a little similar to a case where a woman accused a colleague of impropriety because he asked her out. He was an ugly man. It was widely felt that if the man had been good looking then the woman would not have felt so insulted.