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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/02/2017 19:07

I wouldn't 'banter' with anyone I didn't like

Nor me. In fact 'banter' imo is often an excuse for bullying.

BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 19:07

So now we are back to him punching her, omg read the fucking post people! All the information is right there it's not hiding from anyone, don't comment if you don't know what you are commenting on. To think we are all adults on here 🙄

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:08

"Okay, I admit it. I think that a woman's accusation against a man isn't enough to prove him guilty."

So now we've got the "we all know women are liars about male violence, so I don't believe the OP"

You couldn't make this up.

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:10

"This is not domestic case. If it were, he would and should be arrested."

That is so illogical. What he did is either an arrestable offence or it isn't. It's not arrestable at home and OK at work, unless you work as a cage fighter. Hmm

Wondermoomin · 01/02/2017 19:12

"Which is where the guy saw his chance to do something much, much more wrong."

You don't know that. You don't know that he had the time for that cognitive process to deduce that he might get away with hurting her. The more likely scenario is that he has an inappropriate anger response. Still wrong, but you're making it sound premeditated. Stop projecting DV patterns on to this incident, it's not helpful.

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:12

"I will say again that if the hit had been hard and deliberate OP would have reported straightaway."

That sounds remarkly like: "I will say that if she'd really been raped/ assaulted/ hit she'd have reported straightaway".

Straight out of victim myths 101.

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:16

OK wondermoomin, I accept that it may not have been conscious.

But the point remains: the fact that the OP did something wrong, is no possible justification for his behaviour.

It really isn't and it is frankly horrifying to see so many mumsnetters on a thread arguing that it's OK.

Please, those of you who think that if someone however much smaller and weaker, hits someone else, they deserve a disproportionate response from the bigger, stronger person, keep your children away from younger kids, OK? Because if that's what you're teaching them, then they will be dangerous to little ones.

Wondermoomin · 01/02/2017 19:18

It's also not helpful to extrapolate people's comments into increasingly ridiculous other scenarios.

Just because people are refusing to ignore the OP's actions doesn't make them male violence apologists. Just because people recognise that OP motioning to tap him was a contributory factor to the situation escalating doesn't mean they think women wearing short skirts are "asking for it".

So many people are trying to sound smarter and superior by championing women's rights but when you draw these ridiculous comparisons and conclusions you lose your credibility.

Can't you see that?

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:19

You know, even in boxing matches, no-one thinks it's reasonable for a bantam weight to go up against a heavyweight.

Whatever you think of boxing, they have a better sense of fair play, than some of the handmaids on this thread.

Oh and whoever said last night that they hope no one uses the word handmaid in RL, I bet you hope that. I bet you hope no one recognises and names the phenomenon of women being so ground down and desperate to please men, that they sell their own sex out.

Yeah, I use the term handmaid in RL. But only when it's really deserved. Grin

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:23

"So many people are trying to sound smarter and superior by championing women's rights but when you draw these ridiculous comparisons and conclusions you lose your credibility."

Only with people who don't have the critical thinking skills to make the connections between a casual acceptance of this sort of underhand abusiveness by men and demand that women be perfect if they are not to be abused, and domestic violence itself.

Those who aren't interested in thinking, can carry on pretending that having a newspaper flapped at you, is as offensive as being hit very hard. Those who are interested in thinking, may see the connections. That's how I started to join the dots re feminism - by reading posts on Mumsnet. Smile

Wondermoomin · 01/02/2017 19:23

You used the term handmaiden to deliberately insult fellow women with different views to you. What a proud moment.

Athome77 · 01/02/2017 19:23

There's a bloke somewhere telling his mates the women in xyz department have it in for him, one today hit him, so he hit back in self defence- should he report it as he doesn't want to be bullied by the women in xyz department every time he goes in, they are making his life hell....

Would like to hear his perspective.

HelenDenver · 01/02/2017 19:25

"You used the term handmaiden to deliberately insult fellow women with different views to you. What a proud moment."

You say that like it's a bad thing!

If "fellow women" (WTF?) are saying racist or disablist things, you'd call them out, right?

Basil thinks various women on this thread are supporting patriarchy in their posts (I concur) so she's calling it out in the same way.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/02/2017 19:25

Would like to hear his perspective.

Me too tbh.

seven201 · 01/02/2017 19:29

Was he angry when he wolloped your arm or joking? Did you piss him off with your comment? What did he do immediately after? Maybe he used a bit more force than intended or maybe he was miffed and lashed out a bit. It would have been best to say something to him at the time but I appreciate you we're a bit shocked and in a bit of pain. I'm torn. I think maybe you should have a word with the man and say that actually it really fucking hurt. Depending on his reaction I'd decide what to do next. If he's all shocked and apologetic then leave it, but if he's a tosser about it then talk to your line manager.

Wondermoomin · 01/02/2017 19:30

Basil you're not seeing it are you? Most people have said that of course being hit with an open hand is worse than being tapped with an open newspaper, sensibly and morally. In the eyes of the law and, I would expect, any workplace code of conduct, both acts are wrong.

People are not saying that what HE did is excused just because she did something first; they're saying you cannot ignore what SHE did just because he went on to retaliate disproportionately. There's a difference.

Wondermoomin · 01/02/2017 19:32

Helen - wtf - really? Ok I'll explain "fellow women" = women, like you Hmm

Honestly some people will pick at anything

gandalf456 · 01/02/2017 19:34

He's totally in the wrong but he won't see it that way, of course, but there's an obvious difference. Does your work have cctv?

HelenDenver · 01/02/2017 19:35

Of course I know what fellow woman means, moomin.

Your use of it is what I question. One woman calling out another shouldn't be moaned about with "fellow woman". If I (or Basil) think you are wrong, why would your sex stop us saying so.

The OP is a "fellow woman", after all.

HTH.

DJBaggySmalls · 01/02/2017 19:36

picklemepopcorn Wed 01-Feb-17 17:20:14
NOBODY NOBODY nobody has said it was ok for the guy to hit OP.

Thats exactly what people have been saying;

PrettyBotanicals Tue 31-Jan-17 22:17:19 Page 2
But you were verbally aggressive and hit him; I'm afraid you are just as bad.
Degrees of force are irrelevant I think.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Tue 31-Jan-17 23:14:46 Page 4
''If I slap my husband can he punch me in the face then?''

Yes he can. Slapping someone in the face is a totally humiliating thing to do to them. I think it's a ridiculous argument that it hurts a man less.

We all know OP tapped him with a newspaper and she will have to own up to that.
But it is not the same thing as hitting someone. He used disproportionate force.

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:40

No Wondermoomin they're not saying that.

Lots of people have queued up to tell the OP she deserves it because of what she did.

Lots of people have made up stories about him having a hard life and her bullying him.

There's a desperation to try and pretend that the two actions were the same.

There's a determination to excuse the guy and pretend that what he did was understandable and OK.

I found the HR woman quite shocking tbh. And the mother who posted something along the lines that her older kid is allowed to hit her younger kid as hard as the younger kid hits her.

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:42
Grin

You only want to be fellow women, when you aren't being called out for upholding male violence.

When a poster asks for advice about it, you're not interested in being a fellow woman to her.

I wonder if she did report it?

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:43

Livia Drusilla's rather something. Grin

I bet she's a fan of Fallon Fox.

BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 19:46

So basil do all women have to support eachother even if they are in the wrong? I don't see that on mumsnet.

HelenDenver · 01/02/2017 19:48

Eh?

It was moomin who had an issue with Basil criticising her "fellow women"!

Am I in the wrong universe today?

Tardis