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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 01/02/2017 16:37

Being picked up by two big guys and put in a bin is a bit more serious and potentially scary than being flicked with an open newspaper by a woman, though.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/02/2017 16:38

I also agree with those who question how "light banter" with someone you claim you don't like might feel to the receiving party over an extended period of time.

I agree.

user1471596238 · 01/02/2017 16:38

Regardless of the 'he said, she said' element of the situation, physical contact like that in the workplace: definite no no.

BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 17:20

I can't believe what I'm reading.. "we want equality" then in the same breath "but women are smaller and weaker than the big scary man we can hit but they can't" get the fuck out of here with that bullshit, she says she doesn't like the bloke, initiated the 'banter' and assaulted him first, yet somehow that translates into the guy waiting for this divine opportunity to slap a woman 🙄 If you can't handle a reaction (from someone you don't know how they will react) then don't assault that person, I don't care if it was a tiny tap or barely brushed him, he wasn't expecting it and your were condescending and laughing at (presumably) him, bet you make this guy feel like shit a lot you and your bitchy friends. You fucked up you got what you deserved deal with it and move the fuck on, try to leave the guy alone from now on.

picklemepopcorn · 01/02/2017 17:20

NOBODY NOBODY nobody has said it was ok for the guy to hit OP.

They have said that 'banter' with a colleague you do not like and do not know well, can easily get out of hand and be misinterpreted. It would be professional, and wise, not to behave this way with colleagues you do not like and trust. Regardless of their sex.

What did you do in the end, OP? Did you decide to take it further?

MissMrsMsXX · 01/02/2017 17:28

BorrowedHeart

WTAF?

do you hate women or are you a bizarrely aggressive person with everyone?

Man is a shit to woman
Woman responds
Woman flicks an open newspaper and it lightly touches his arm
Man assaults women....

NO IFS
NO BUTS
NO COCONUTS

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 17:33

Men are generally physically stronger than women - it's a fact. Women are more vulnerable than men because we are biologically different. To say otherwise is stupid and disingenuous.

Otherwise why don't men and women all compete together in sports?

Wondermoomin · 01/02/2017 17:37

FFS some people are being so persistently obtuse and blinkered on this thread....

Of course she didn't deserve to be hit. But there seems to be a group of people taking the extreme approach that OP is completely free of blame and responsibility for ANY of the incident.

It's all very well advocating for women's rights but you don't seem to have much to say about their responsibilities...

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/02/2017 17:37

Man is a shit to woman
Woman responds
Woman flicks an open newspaper and it lightly touches his arm
Man assaults women....

Man delivers supplies to woman.
Man makes sarcastic comment to woman.
Woman is patronising to man.
Woman hits man with newspaper.
Man hits woman with hand.

Fixed that for you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/02/2017 17:41

It's all very well advocating for women's rights but you don't seem to have much to say about their responsibilities

Does seem to be a bit of this going on.

BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 17:50

miss I think you have that little scenario wrong and must have made it up in your head 🙄 He brought supplies to her, was already hated by OP and other meme era of her team, he may have come across as sarcastic (I've been mistaken for sarcasm when I haven't meant it that way) op patronises him then taps him with a newspaper, they aren't friendly so her 'banter' wasn't warranted, he retaliated because he is sick of her shit.

She was in the wrong, he was in the wrong but had reason to react how he did, she had no reason to do what she did. Why do people try to have 'banter' with people they don't like? Screams of being a wind up to me and he has enough.

BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 17:51

Member and had.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 01/02/2017 17:55

Whether something is 'banter' is not decided by the person giving the banter, but by the person on the receiving end of it.

It certainly seems odd to want to banter with a person you've admitted that you - and others in your team - don't like.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/02/2017 18:04

Right back at the beginning of the thread, I asked the OP why she was bantering with a man she didn't like and her reply was:

I'm bantering with a guy I don't like as I'm just being polite Hmm

And yet nothing about the encounter sounds remotely polite!

RhodaBull · 01/02/2017 18:06

I will say again that if the hit had been hard and deliberate OP would have reported straightaway. Any hesitation implies that she knows that either he was provoked or that the hit wasn't meant to be so hard and it was actually a swipe that was a bit too heavy handed.

If the delivery guy did intend to hit the OP then of course that is inexcusable. But even so he is bound to defend himself to the management by saying he was on the receiving end of "banter".

I just showed ds this thread for a male perspective. He said absolutely wrong for any physical contact, but from OP it sounds like she doesn't like the guy therefore how could it be banter.

leighdinglady · 01/02/2017 18:15

Can you not just talk to him????

He probably thought it was a continuation of your joke. If it wasn't, then yes, report him

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2017 18:16

DameDeDoubtance

Boney, this is the original op, the account hasn't changed. Man gets tapped lightly with paper, man punches woman, lots of other women blame woman.

The account has changed by those on the thread, we have had tapped, Brushed, wafted, flapped.
For him it starts as walloped, to hit, punched (hat you used) and abused. To just name a few.

And from what I can see no-one has blamed her for his actions, but plenty have blamed him for hers.

SuperFlyHigh · 01/02/2017 18:42

HR investigation would be my port of call to investigate OP's comments and his reactions.

It's a hard one to call because they're both as bad as each other really (she seems to have goaded him) yet it's never acceptable to punch someone hard esp if you know your own strength and had assumed previous interaction in same period of time was banter.

Could surmise all sorts from OP but we weren't there...

Stripeyblanket · 01/02/2017 18:48

Ok one wrong does not justify another.
In terms of any offences caused if you or him wanted to take it further you both technically assaulted each other. His is a higher level of assault.
Yes you should definitely speak with your boss but I would be open and honest about the whole situation including what you did with the newspaper.

hackmum · 01/02/2017 18:56

"But there seems to be a group of people taking the extreme approach that OP is completely free of blame and responsibility for ANY of the incident."

You know, I'll bet you anything you like the OP was wearing a short skirt too and she'd probably been drinking.

Poor little man. Obviously he had no option but to whack her hard.

Wondermoomin · 01/02/2017 19:00

Can't you see that your argument falls flat when you try to compare it to victim-blaming a woman wearing a short skirt or going out drinking? What a stupid comparison!

OP was WRONG to do and say what she did. There is NOTHING WRONG with women wearing skirts of any length or drinking alcohol. Smh.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/02/2017 19:00

Can't you see that your argument falls flat when you try to compare it to victim-blaming a woman wearing a short skirt or going out drinking? What a stupid comparison!

Agree.

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:04

"VIOLENCE? Tapping someone with a newspaper is now violence? "

Only when a woman does it to a man. A man hitting a woman really hard OTOH, is not violence.

"What the guy did was wrong, what the OP did was wrong. " What the OP did, was nowhere near as wrong as what the guy did. She did not actively try to hurt him. He very probably did actively try to hurt her.

"To be honest my son hit me on the arm when he was 3 and it really hurt"

Did you smash his face in to teach him a lesson and show that he can't get away with hurting someone without being hurt himself? Or are you sane? Grin

Why are people equating "playful office banter" that went too far for one person's liking with domestic violence?

Because it's exactly the attitudes on this thread - bending over backwards to excuse this man's violence, picking apart the OP's behaviour (which was not good, but that is not actually the issue here), demanding that a female victim of male violence is perfect and behaves well and correctly at all times otherwise she brought his violence on herself, which enables men to get away with beating up 1 in 4 women on a regular basis. Domestic violence is not a separate thing, done by different men to everyone else, cut off from the rest of the world with different women. It's an intrinsic part of society and the reason it is so common, is because we enable men to do it.

The attitudes that make excuses for men who batter women at home, are here, on this thread.

That's why people are making the connection.

It's not difficult if you bother to think about it honestly.

The two situations are not comparable and I think to equate the two is downright bloody insulting to anyone who has suffered

Serialweightwatcher · 01/02/2017 19:05

I wouldn't 'banter' with anyone I didn't like, in fact I'd just be civil and speak when necessary, certainly not flick them with a newspaper to pretend I'm playing with them. I think it's your own fault OP ... if you hadn't touched him he wouldn't have had reason to touch you

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 19:06

"OP was WRONG to do and say what she did"

Yes she was.

Which is where the guy saw his chance to do something much, much more wrong.

Because he knew that the sort of people who are on this thread, would back his violence.

Let's hope most of her work colleagues aren't male violence apologists like so many of the posters here.