Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Bettersleepoutdoors · 01/02/2017 15:09

I am now wondering how one informs someone of a delivery of supplies in a very sarcastic way.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/02/2017 15:09

Pablo
How the hell have you got to that interpretation of BarbarianMum's post
Three scenarios
a) If he thought it was genuine banter and was joining in with the joke then hitting her too hard was unlikely to be a deliberate act of violence but rather a misjudgment;
b) If he felt he was being bullied then he might have lashed out - not acceptable on his part but not just a random act of violence either;
c) He is an abusive git and won't tolerate anyone challenging his sense of self importance and he deliberately set out hurt the OP for standing up to him

None of us can say for certain which scenario is closest to what happened.

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:11

Regardless, she lightly swatted him with a newspaper, his only legal responses are to walk away, or if he has no other choice to swat her lightly with a news paper. He doesn't get to hit her.

A poster asked if she slapped her husband, could he punch her in the face, and was told that yes he could. He can't. He can walk away, attempt to restrain her if she tried to strike him with an open hand again, or in self defence, strike her with an open hand. He CANNOT punch her with a closed fist. It's escalation and not proportionate.

wet I'll assume you're being trollish, regardless I won't engage.

RhodaBull · 01/02/2017 15:13

I can't see why some people on here are making it all about domestic violence. Two different things entirely.

Of course it was wrong for the man to hit the OP. That goes without saying. But if it was so clear cut, why did the OP post here? If someone hit me at work, I wouldn't think twice about reporting it. It would be outrageous!

If, however, I had a bit of a suspicion that I had provoked this person, engaged in "banter" with them when it was not very light-hearted or friendly, swiped at them with a newspaper... then in spite of the "hit" being wrong, I'd have to think what their side of the story might be.

Incidentally dd's school had an assembly on "banter" and warned that it was verging on bullying in some cases. "Oh, I was only joking about Thelma's thunder thighs ..."

misshelena · 01/02/2017 15:14

This is not domestic case. If it were, he would and should be arrested.

This is about a lower level employee reacting (or overreacting?) to "banter" (or "taunting"?) by a group of higher level employees.

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:16

Riiiiiiight so if you were being bullied at work would you hit someone hard? Or would you report to HR to get it sorted?

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:18

missHelena why is this ok because it was at work? I think a man hitting a woman is bad anywhere, don't you?

misshelena · 01/02/2017 15:19

Personally I would report to HR.

And that is why, to quote myself:

"I'd discipline them both -- him for hitting (size matters IMO). And her for bullying behavior.
And I'd give a warning to OP's friends who made up the "we" in OP's complaint -- for joining in OP's "banter" which clearly made the work environment unpleasant for the guy."

misshelena · 01/02/2017 15:20

Twunk, it's not ok.

That's why, to quote myself:

"I'd discipline them both -- him for hitting (size matters IMO). And her for bullying behavior.
And I'd give a warning to OP's friends who made up the "we" in OP's complaint -- for joining in OP's "banter" which clearly made the work environment unpleasant for the guy."

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:21

We don't know he's being bullied - we only know he's disliked.

mistressWiseGuy · 01/02/2017 15:22

I accidentally knocked into someone as I got off the tube once. It was a genuine accident, rush hour London, packed tube. I wouldn't have thought anything of it but when I got on the escalator, he got on behind me and kicked me in the back of the feet as we went up. I asked him to stop kicking me, he said I shouldn't have pushed past him getting off the tube. At the time I thought that the man kicking the (pregnant) woman was the one in the wrong but having read this thread I'm assuming a few posters would think it was acceptable payback.

Op, yanbu.

BarbarianMum · 01/02/2017 15:22

That's not what I'm saying at all. Hmm I'm saying that you can't blame him for abuse her whilst totally exonerating her for her own actions.

He is totally responsible for hitting her (even if he thought it was in fun).

She is totally responsible for hitting him (even if she thought it was in fun).
He is not responsible for her hitting him, unless she can claim self-defense (v. unlikely).
She is not responsible for him hitting her, unless he can claim self-defense (v. unlikely)

Clear now?

BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 15:22

dj and?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/02/2017 15:24

Can we please stop with "god the victim blaming on here is awful"?

The alternative option seems to be that no-one should ever have to deal with any consequences of their own actions.

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:26

The consequences of her actions (taking part in what she thought was banter and flicking a newspaper) were to be hit hard. Yes that's victim blaming. Nobody deserves that sort of response.

misshelena · 01/02/2017 15:27

No we don't. It may or it may not be a bullying situation. All we know, from a one-sided complaint, is that there is consensus among "we" higher level employeeSS that we dislike him and were "bantering" with him -- one single lower level employee. And sounds like this situation of him being "disliked" has been going on for a while.

Again, because this is an office environment, that's why we are having all this discussion -- to asses the strength of OP's complaint.

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:29

She says

"he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him."

By "we" I assume she means her team.

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:29

Doesn't sound like bullying

misshelena · 01/02/2017 15:30

Yes maybe. Her team. So you point?

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:31

Maybe he isn't very nice? Some people aren't very likeable. Maybe he doesn't like them? Still she says they are nice to him.

Snotgobbler99 · 01/02/2017 15:31

Twunk

Try a thought experiment, imagine you're a head teacher and that it's two stroppy teenage girls instead.

---

Nobody is trying to lessen the action of the man, nor relieve him of blame.

From a legal perspective - and that's the one that any sensible employer will take - the OP escalated the confrontation from banter to 'assault'. It may have been a less hurtful assault but that's what it was, and the OP has essentially admitted as much. Tap, wave newspaper about, it doesn't matter.

Looked at by management they will judge that she escalated the confrontation and made it physical and in dealing with him they will be forced to deal with her. If he gets fired, he will have grounds for wrongful dismissal since she was the first to 'assault'. And, it'll cost the company time and money to defend their actions in court or tribunal hearing and, quite possibly, costs if they're found guilty.

This may not seem like natural justice but it's the way the system works. Yes, the law is an ass...

----

So, back to the teenage girls.
Do you forgive the one with the newspaper and discipline/expel the one who hit out harder? Or do you tell them both to stop acting like prize idiots and to treat each other with a bit more respect in the future?

Still not sure?
Then imagine the one that hit out harder was your daughter. Do you still want the other girl to be let off completely while your daughter is being disciplined/expelled?

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:31

My point is she doesn't say they bully him! She says they're nice to him.

Twistmeandturnme · 01/02/2017 15:34

You would not be unreasonable to report. From your description of the event your colleague behaved disproportionally.
However, as has been pointed out by PP: he does have a form of defence (in the absence of witnesses as your other colleague was on the other side of the door) that you did strike first in a jokey manner and he could have been responding in kind. So, given that he was in the wrong but you cannot prove it any more than he can prove whether or not you hit him hard; for this reason alone I wouldn't report, but would keep out of the nasty sod's way and never give him an inch again.

DJBaggySmalls · 01/02/2017 15:34

I'd just like to remind everyone that MRA's state 'equality' is actually 'sameness'. There should be no box to help the short kid see over the wall.
Once you know that, the arguments that 'how hard he hit her is irrelevant' start to make more sense.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/02/2017 15:35

Twunk
My point is she doesn't say they bully him! She says they're nice to him.

That is her perception of the situation. We don't know if he thinks they are being nice to him. He may feel like they are laughing at him not with him. None of us know what his view is.

Swipe left for the next trending thread