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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:
PabloFanquesFair · 01/02/2017 14:02

I think the saddest thing about this thread (beside what a sad indictment it is of how many nasty, ignorant and downright stupid women there are on here) is that some poor woman who "tapped" her violent partner on the arm last week and got a good hard slap back will now be blaming herself. "Well all these women on Mumsnet are saying you deserve to get hit, they must be right, I'll stay and apologise to him".

Christ on a fucking bike. Angry

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/02/2017 14:06

Why are people equating "playful office banter" that went too far for one person's liking with domestic violence?

The two situations are not comparable and I think to equate the two is downright bloody insulting to anyone who has suffered DV.

misshelena · 01/02/2017 14:13

This guy probably misinterpreted OP's "banter", "tap with a newspaper", "laugh, laugh", "pulled him up" and "who do you think you are talking to". All these are supposed to be "jokes" and he just misinterpreted.

Or did he?

Since OP says "he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him.", would I be unreasonable to assume that he KNEW she and "we" don't like him? Was he laughing along with OP and her friends or did he feel himself the butt of OP's "jokes"?

I'd discipline them both -- him for hitting (size matters IMO). And her for bullying behavior.
And I'd give a warning to OP's friends who made up the "we" in OP's complaint -- for joining in OP's "banter" which clearly made the work environment unpleasant for the guy.

PabloFanquesFair · 01/02/2017 14:13

MilkTwoSugarsThanks I actually have suffered DV which is WHY I am so angered by this thread. A woman deserves to get hit hard for flapping a newspaper at a man. Giving someone weaker than you a good whack on the arm for that is not "playful banter" it is genuine violence committed by a man on a woman and she is being told it's her own fault.

roseshippy · 01/02/2017 14:14

If someone throws a piece of paper at my son in class that's an assault.

No, not a serious one. But an assault.

And one that he would find very annoying, he is autistic and it's very easy to get a rise out of him. People that do this are bullies.

(And btw he's at an all boys school so let's not make any silly arguments about male/female dynamics)

Tapping someone, not to get their attention (which would be a different thing), but simply because you don't like their tone of voice, is assault.

Nothing more, nothing less.

A-s-s-a-u-l-t.

misshelena · 01/02/2017 14:16

What Pablo?? Are you here to hear women to tell you what a great guy you are or did you read the complaint?

roseshippy · 01/02/2017 14:18

I don't think you understood Pablo's post.

At all.

BarbarianMum · 01/02/2017 14:21

A lot of workplace bullying takes place under the guise of "banter". I don't think the OP is a bully but I can't tell from her posts what exactly happened here (was he bantering back too hard, was he lashing out, what does he feel about how he's treated in the workplace?) and I'm amazed so many people can draw such clear conclusions.

The reality though is that they both could make a case for assault.

PabloFanquesFair · 01/02/2017 14:24

roses-hippy If flapping a paper at another person is a--s-s-a-u-l-t which do you think the police would take seriously? OP - "man at work whacked me really really hard on the arm"or violent thug co-worker "woman at work flapped a newspaper at me' it brushed my skin". There are a lot of people on this thread who really need to grow a brain. Hmm

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/02/2017 14:26

PabloFanquesFair - I don't think anyone is saying that the OP deserved to get hit hard. What they do seem to be saying is that it's unwise to "banter", particularly when it gets physical, with someone you don't know very well and even more so with someone you don't like. People are advising the OP that if she reports then her own actions will be called in to question.

PabloFanquesFair · 01/02/2017 14:30

misshelena I have no idea what the fuck your post means or why you have assumed I'm a man. To clarify: I am a woman who has suffered DV and have expressed my horror at the victim blaming on this thread.

Twunk · 01/02/2017 14:34

I actually can't quite believe what I have read on this thread. Posters seem determined to prove that: she is "unprofessional" (a word I despise!), bullying, capable of injuring someone with an open newspaper, minimizing the contact the newspaper made with him, exaggerating the pain he caused her.

It's just...unbelievably sad that women (and some men) will actually blame a victim of assault like this, never mind that it was male violence against a woman. Even if she has been making his life hell for years that is NO EXCUSE. None! And a brush with a newspaper is not assault! If you went to a police station and made a complaint for that you would be considered a complete nutter.

roseshippy · 01/02/2017 14:35

"roses-hippy If flapping a paper at another person is a--s-s-a-u-l-t which do you think the police would take seriously?"

No, that wasn't my point.

My point is that the OP is apparently uninjured, unbruised, so this comes down to two very minor assaults, the second slightly less minor, but still trivial in policing terms, and in that context the police aren't interested at all, because she did assault him first.

PabloFanquesFair · 01/02/2017 14:36

MilkTwoSugarsThanks There have been plenty of people on this thread who have said the OP deserved to be hit for flapping a paper at this man. There is no excuse. Saying she shouldn't banter with someone she doesn't know well IS putting blame on her.

BarbarianMum · 01/02/2017 14:36

Banter is in the eye of the beholder Pablo . It has to be mutual. If he was bantering with her and he hit her too hard then surely you'd think it was accidental, making him stupid but not abusive? If he meant to hit her hard then clearly he wasn't enjoying the "banter" so tapping him with the newspaper was totally unnacceptable and technically assault.

Onthecouchagain · 01/02/2017 14:39

Op sounds like a bully.

roseshippy · 01/02/2017 14:40

" capable of injuring someone with an open newspaper,"

That's not the issue. The issue is she made physical contact with him because she finds him annoying. That's a common assault. Not bodily harm, assault.

If I flick your ear, or throw balls of paper at you or anything else, it's not going to injure you, but if you are doing it to someone you find annoying, it's still an assault.

He responded by assaulting her, but the assault is still a very minor one, unless she was in fact bruised/injured. NEITHER offence would go anywhere.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/02/2017 14:40

Pablo, can you not see that in a HR situation the way the issue will be presented by him will be very different to the way the OP is presenting it. He could easily present it as bullying by the OP.

It is interesting that one of the men on this thread has said clearly men are wary of engaging in banter with men they don't really know as you don't know how the other person is going to react. That doesn't mean that the OP deserved to be hit - of course not but it does have the potential to provoke a more extreme reaction than expected.

roseshippy · 01/02/2017 14:42

"There have been plenty of people on this thread who have said the OP deserved to be hit for flapping a paper at this man. There is no excuse. Saying she shouldn't banter with someone she doesn't know well IS putting blame on her."

'Banter with someone'?

What is banter exactly? She said she and her friends hate the man.

Do you mean bullying?

Or is it acceptable to tap people, flick them, and other very minor forms of physical contact if you only describe it as 'banter'.

ghostwatch · 01/02/2017 14:45

Was someone else there ? It might help if you have a witness

PabloFanquesFair · 01/02/2017 14:45

|BarbarianMum So what you're saying is that either way it is not his fault for hitting her hard, it's all her fault?! He is not to blame, not in any way? I am so glad I don't know you in real life, you must be a real peach. Hmm

misshelena · 01/02/2017 14:58

"why you have assumed I'm a man"

WHAT Pablo?? Where did I assume that you are a man????

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:02

This is so utterly depressing. Really it is. A man hits a woman hard and there are people here questioning it, finding holes and blaming the woman he hit.

Twunk · 01/02/2017 15:05

"She made physical contact with him because she finds him annoying" - where did you get that from? As far as I can make out she thought it was part of the banter.

But yeah, he found it a bit irritating so she was TOTALLY at fault for being hit so hard she could still feel it later Hmm

wettunwindee · 01/02/2017 15:05

A man hits a woman hard and there are people here questioning it

Okay, I admit it. I think that a woman's accusation against a man isn't enough to prove him guilty.