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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 01/02/2017 11:37

Because if she reports it his job will be on the line and he will tell a very different story to try and keep his job.

CaraAspen · 01/02/2017 11:46

"P00pchute

Moony, the op did not 'hit' she made a joking gesture with her opened newspaper during a pretend argument , which touched the mans arm. He responded with a forceful slap, which the OP still felt at the end of her shift!

How is it that no one can tell the difference with these two things, because there is a very marked difference. It's not even subtle."

Quite.

CaraAspen · 01/02/2017 11:47

The OP should report it.

wettunwindee · 01/02/2017 11:58

@Poopchute

The vast majority of posters can.

The intelligent ones are those who can see that whilst she didn't deserve it, her behaviour falls well short of what would be expected in a professional environment. Whatever punishment he received as a result of her reporting this to HR is separate to the fact that she should expect a negative outcome for her behaviour too.

Technically it does seem to be assault. Sensibly, it wasn't. She's still an unprofessional idiot. There are also some professional idiots on the thread accusing those not blindly leaping to the OP's defence as being blind to misogynistic violence.

PabloFanquesFair · 01/02/2017 12:11

I have never been so utterly appalled by a thread on Mumsnet as this. It's no wonder women are so reluctant to report DV if this pile of victim blaming shite from OTHER WOMEN is anything to go by. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Flapping a newspaper at someone is the same as hitting someone really hard on the arm? What planet are you on? They are plainly not even in same ballpark and spouting utter bollocoks about the meaning of tapping or hitting etc doesn't change that.
Flapping an open newspaper at someone sounds like something my elderly mother would do, plainly a joke, "don't be daft Pablo". So according to the violence apologists on here I would be within my rights to give a 75 year old woman a hard slap on the arm then? Really? A 6 year old playfully swipes me with a paper I can give them a good hard open handed slap on the arm then? Ok......

Snotgobbler99 · 01/02/2017 12:24

Agreed, wettunwindee.

OP, Please take a moment to consider the position of your employer before you make a complaint. They are obliged to consider the legality of the situation and, as others have pointed out, the tap with a newspaper could be construed legally as an assault. It doesn't matter if that wasn't your intention, it's just how it is.

If you report it - and your company fails to take into account that your 'tap' could be seen as an assault - and fires him, he will have a good case against your employer for wrongful dismissal. Your employer will not wish to be put in that position and, so, will be obliged discipline you both and it's hard to guess what they will do.
They will be obliged to ascribe some of the blame to you because you are the one who got physical first. If nothing else it will go on your employee record.

You're in an awkward situation and you need to seek good advice before you go any further. If you've got a union, go and see your rep, they have experience in defusing stuff like this.

CaraAspen · 01/02/2017 12:24

Good post, Pablo. The postulating is tiresome and so very predictable.

mirrorisnotmyfriend · 01/02/2017 12:31

Hear hear Pablo, I am similarly appalled. And depressed. What chance do we have in combating male violence against women with attitudes like this from other women?

jcne · 01/02/2017 12:33

If you are upset I would make the report but wouldn't skimp with the detail that you hit him first. It could easily made to look that YABU but it's subjective.

2rebecca · 01/02/2017 12:38

I suspect that if the employer thinks the OP is reporting an assault she will want the police to deal with it as assault is a criminal matter not an employment one. In that case the man will be innocent until proved guilty and proving his guilt will be hard if she said nothing at the time and there is no bruising unless those there felt it was an assault and she started the physical violence albeit in a minor way (which he will contest).
If it was me I would keep interaction with him to a minimum in future and would be asking colleagues if they had experienced anything similar..

zippey · 01/02/2017 12:41

No one should hit anyone but the reaction from the male was over the top. If you report he will say you started the altercation so I would be totally honest. Any manager/person worth their salt will realise that one party is much more at fault than the other.

Have you got any witnesses to back you up?

bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 12:43

Imagine the reverse post.
At work today I went to take some supplies to another floor in my building. The people in the office clearly don't like me. The woman I gave the supplies to said she was on her break. She never does any work so I made a comment bout her being on another break to which she replied 'who do you think you're talking to?' and swatted me with the newspaper she was holding. I'm not sure if she meant it but it was quite hard. I tried to laugh it off and return the banter and gave her a playful shove on the arm. She said nothing and I left. She has now put in a complaint about me saying I walloped her full force and used her hitting me with the newspaper as an excuse to violently attack her. She had no mark whatsoever on her arm from where I made contact with an open hand. I feel she is complaining because she doesn't like me rather than because of the incident. I was just trying to get on with my job and didn't want to be drawn into any banter and now I'm worried I'll lose my job.
What do you think the replies would be to that? Violent abuser?
If anyone thinks that HR/the police wouldn't ask for evidence of injury after the violent attack as the op has described it you're very naive.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 01/02/2017 12:47

For all those saying "she assaulted him first" - which is debatable - what about proportionality?

If I were to slap a man on the arm and he responded by breaking a bottle over my head, I doubt hope the "miss, miss, SHE started it!" defence would suffice in court.

Confused
BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 12:49

You hit him first fs, you don't want someone to get annoyed and slap you back, don't hit first. It's that simple.

BarbarianMum · 01/02/2017 12:51

Proportionality is usually reflected in sentancing, isn't it? Rather in deciding whether an offence has taken place. Difference b/w stealing the crown jewels and a loaf of bread - one will get you a fine, the other 20 years inside but both are theft.

Of course he shouldn't have hit her back. But what she did is also technically assault and OP needs to realise that before she approaches HR.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 01/02/2017 12:58

Proportionality is usually reflected in sentancing, isn't it? Rather in deciding whether an offence has taken place.

Is there a solicitor in the house who can settle this? Grin

I was coming from the angle of proportionality affecting which of the two is charged in the first place.

BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 13:03

Ahh whichendisup men can't hit women but a woman can hit a man, because size. Logic eh.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 13:04

Of course degrees of force are relevant. Ffs. He must have hit the op very hard for it to hurt for the length of time it did.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 13:05

And any man who hits a woman is a cowardly Twat. I somehow doubt he would have done it to a guy.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 13:08

Pablo well said

Wondermoomin · 01/02/2017 13:24

Wet:
*
The intelligent ones are those who can see that whilst she didn't deserve it, her behaviour falls well short of what would be expected in a professional environment. Whatever punishment he received as a result of her reporting this to HR is separate to the fact that she should expect a negative outcome for her behaviour too.

Technically it does seem to be assault. Sensibly, it wasn't. She's still an unprofessional idiot. There are also some professional idiots on the thread accusing those not blindly leaping to the OP's defence as being blind to misogynistic violence.*

👏🏻

The people accusing those not blindly leaping to the OP's defence as being blind to misogynistic violence are doing nothing to help the cause or the argument.

What the guy did was wrong, what the OP did was wrong. That the guy did something worse does not mean we should forget that OP did something wrong first. It's very foolish to expect her actions to be disregarded just because of his over-reaction and by virtue of her being female and him being male

DJBaggySmalls · 01/02/2017 13:26

BorrowedHeart
Ahh whichendisup men can't hit women but a woman can hit a man, because size. Logic eh.

OP said he hit her harder than she hit him.

Quartz2208 · 01/02/2017 13:27

Surely gender is irrelevant here though, it does not matter the size or the gender of the people involved - although degrees of force are.

Bumsex is right his viewpoint could very different from the OP. Maybe his sarcastic tone is wrongly perceived and instead he is nervous and feels he is going into an environment where people dont like him.

Personally I dont think either the OP or the man come across very well in this particularly as it involves one of my pet hates the concept of banter. I.e. how to be patronising and bullying to someone but pretend that its ok because its banter.

A woman should not be hit by a man.
A man should not have to put up with bullying behaviour because the perpetrator is a woman.

To be honest my son hit me on the arm when he was 3 and it really hurt, if the force hits in just the right place it can hurt - he may not have meant to hurt her in the same way he may have just been bantering too. Which of course is the problem with banter in the first place!

Snotgobbler99 · 01/02/2017 13:31

I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.

For those saying a newspaper tap can't possibly hurt, you have to imagine where/how the recipient might have been hit. We don't know, but a tap to the arm is very different to a tap to the face or, worse, or close to the eyes.

The OP doesn't say where she hit but if someone flicked a newspaper close to my eyes, I'd be extremely upset. Think for a moment the kind of damage the edge of a newspaper could do to your eye - and then say you wouldn't care.

I'm not saying this is what happened, and I'm not excusing the man but it could explain a severe reaction and, if his job is on the line, it could easily be his argument.

wettunwindee · 01/02/2017 13:31

lottieandmia

And any man who hits a woman is a cowardly Twat.

Rhonda Rousey? DH is big and fit and a keen rugby player. He'd run a mile at the suggestion of cage fighting with her.

There are any number of situations where non-cowards can hit a woman. Bullying and violence is just that, regardless of sex.

Turning this into man vs woman is puerile and worthless.

I somehow doubt he would have done it to a guy.

When did you meet this guy?