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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:

GimmeeMoore · 01/02/2017 06:53

This isn't gender,issue I'd respond same irrespective of gender
If this were two female posters I'd give same response
If HR investigate They both will put in an account of being hit

DameDeDoubtance · 01/02/2017 06:54

Yes wet, I think that a slight tap to the arm should not lead to a punch, just like wearing a short skirt does not lead to rape.

DameDeDoubtance · 01/02/2017 06:56

Phew, good job op didn't hit her abuser, just brushed his arm with a piece of paper. No wonder male violence is so prevalent in society when it is so easily dismissed and excused.

DameDeDoubtance · 01/02/2017 06:58

My colleague bopped me on the head yesterday. a light tap with a spoon as a joke, do I get to punch her really hard?

user1485931854 · 01/02/2017 07:00

Yes report!

wettunwindee · 01/02/2017 07:03

@DameDeDoubtance

Breaking someones arm because you were slapped is not a proportionate response!

From what we know, she broke her arm from the fall / push. The broken arm is a byproduct. Being put to the floor for a slap to the face is proportionate in many, many circumstances.

She was raped? I thought she was hit on the arm. This escalated quickly!

I asked if you thought the OP was blameless. If he hadn't retaliated then he would have perfectly legitimate reasons to complain about her to his line manager, HR or whoever. In fact, he still does. My advice to him would be the same. He should be turning himself in as both his and the other person's behaviour was unacceptable and questioning if he left a mark or bruise: without a mark then this is 50:50. Big knuckle shaped bruises and he'd be gone and she'd have a formal warning. His retaliation doesn't excuse her unprofessional conduct.

DameDeDoubtance · 01/02/2017 07:16

Op was not to blame for the assault, the man who assaulted her is to blame.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2017 07:19

Oswin

Op responds jokingly, doesn't confront.
Bats the paper at him, brushes him.
He slaps he hard on the arm.

But the OP did confront and escalate. and it is interesting that the OP's actions are becoming more gentle and his remain violent.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 01/02/2017 07:23

Wow now it's okay for a man to throw you to the ground with such force that he breaks your arm?? Yes I accept it was wrong for him to be slapped. The poster who originally gave this example said that this man was a body builder type...it's not like he didn't know his own strength or couldn't opt to restrain the woman. If this was my son who did this I would not be proud or the least bit supportive of his action.

DameDeDoubtance · 01/02/2017 07:32

I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.

Boney, this is the original op, the account hasn't changed. Man gets tapped lightly with paper, man punches woman, lots of other women blame woman.

picklemepopcorn · 01/02/2017 07:32

Dame, no excusing violence of any sort here. Not from or against men or women. Whatever sex person you are dealing with, humour and banter toward someone who is being rude is not the way to go. In fact I would say 'gentling' the nasty man along, with humour and playfulness is equally pandering to his unpleasantness. Treading on eggshells, edging around him.

The least sexist response is to say, 'You are being rude'.

We have no idea of people's issues, their need for personal space. We have no idea if the people around us have dyspraxia, ASD, anger management problems, a dying spouse...

Just back off. Stay calm and polite. Don't engage with people who are being difficult.

And if they hit you, report them. He may have reported her already. She can certainly report him.

LouisevilleLlama · 01/02/2017 07:32

Am I missing something ? When did OP say she broke her arm? Or is that embellishment so that people see it mentioned like myself and think they missed an update and it somehow becomes fact? Just like earlier when people were saying he punched her?

youarenotkiddingme · 01/02/2017 07:32

You hit him first. Light or not you hit him. You have called it banter.
He could quite easily say he returned the banter by hitting you back.

I've always taught my Ds never to throw the first punch. I've also told him if he's physical with people he runs the risk of them being physical back - and they may do it harder.

LouisevilleLlama · 01/02/2017 07:34

Which OP updated by the way saying it was an open fist slap

CripsSandwiches · 01/02/2017 07:39

I can't believe some of these responses playfully tapping someone with a newspaper is OK hitting them hard on the arm is not OK. It has nothing to do with gender.

wettunwindee · 01/02/2017 07:42

@DameDeDoubtance

You don;t get to thump your colleague. You do get to call her up on 'bomping' your head with a spoon though. You're talking about someone you like. If someone you disliked did it and you asked for advice, most people would tell you to raise it with your line manager as it was inappropriate.

Op was not to blame for the assault

Okay then. Will you answer my question?

If he hadn't retaliated then would he have a legitimate reason to complain about her.

Did she do anything wrong? Not did 'he', did she?

@IfOnlyIKnewThen - yes it is. Legally and, in many cases, morally. Do you know how difficult it is to restrain someone? Especially when the object is to calm them down and then let them go? People rarely calm down when being restrained and if that is to happen safely, the restrainer needs fairly specific training.

I had (now expired) a SIA licence. To summarise the training:

try to verbally or with minimum force, de escalate any situation

if someone strikes or attempts to strike or assult you in any way, put them to the floor and remain standing.

if 1 and 2 aren't options, restrain them on the floor using technique and body weight and hold the fuck on until help arrives.

When shoving physically aggressive people back from me, two fell over. One lost a tooth and one dislocated a shoulder. I was blameless and happily on CCTV.

I've broken my arm simply falling to the floor awkwardly walking along a corridor.

So, you see, restraining her was a last option, putting her to the floor was the second. Her broken arm was a byproduct of her aggression.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 01/02/2017 07:55

Of course you should report him. No question.

OnceIWas7YearsOld · 01/02/2017 08:00

His behaviour was worse than the OP's. What she did to him did not deserve a hard hit to the arm. It's not proportionate.

But you know, I went to school with a boy who was small and slight. He would get very angry at very little provocation and would hit out at people. The bigger boys wouldn't hit back because he was small. My mum used to say, "one day he'll hit the wrong person and then he'll know all about it". She was right. You can't just go round hitting people and expect nothing back.

This kind of reminds me of that. OP, you hardly know this guy. Don't be bantering/hitting with newspapers with people you barely know. It's rude, it's unprofessional and it's a bit weird, tbh. And most importantly, you don't know how they're going to react.

I would report him though. Think he sounds a little unhinged.

Fwiw generally I completely agree that this is not about sex. If a woman repeatedly hits a man, I think she can expect retaliation. But his retaliation in this individual case was not proportionate.

Xenophile · 01/02/2017 08:02

OP, get it reported, looking at this thread it seems that some people will do pretty much anything to excuse men's violence.

A proportionate response from your colleague would have been to walk away and report you to HR for tapping him with a newspaper. His response was disproportionate and is what is known as an escalation.

If he has caused any marks or bruising please take pictures, and give copies to HR. His escalation of the situation is definitely cause for future concern.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/02/2017 08:05

OP I think the best course of action to take is being honest with yourself (you don't need to justify or even answer here)

What is your motivation for reporting him?

You admit you don't like him. Let's face it, there's enough threads on here about how banter is bullying if the other person doesn't like it. If a colleague you normally like had "walloped" you on the arm in the same manner would you want to report it?

I've said don't answer on this thread because human nature being what it is, publicly you will probably want to say "of course I'd report". But be honest with yourself, please.

Is your motivation for reporting him based on the fact that you don't like him? If the answer to that is yes, then I would advise that you actually don't report.

NormaSmuff · 01/02/2017 08:06

report him and you will have the same argument as this, with people in HR.

sounds like you need to learn how to treat people professionally.

OnionKnight · 01/02/2017 08:08

From what I've read the OP and the bloke behaved like idiots, she openly admitted that he isn't well liked and maybe he's picked up on that. His response was definitely OTT but I don't think HR would see it like that, especially if he tells them that OP doesn't like him and she humiliated him before tapping him with the newspaper, they'd both be disciplined.

I find it interesting that the OP has repeatedly ignored questions asking if the slap had left a mark on her, that tells me that there was no mark.

MissMrsMsXX · 01/02/2017 08:09

So an awkward guy you tolerate retaliated to a light flick with a newspaper with a substantiate hit

Report it.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 08:14

"If he hadn't retaliated then would he have a legitimate reason to complain about her"

Of course he would not! Really truely would an HR department listen to " and then she tapped me with an newspapers." It's fairly clear this was an accident anyway as she we t to pretend to do it!

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 01/02/2017 08:15

For a second leave out that the guy retaliated, do posters believe that he should have reported the OP to HR in relation to an assault? Or fir the previous behaviour which appears to have gone on (allegations made in here of bullying etc)

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