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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 00:44

The op has repeatedly ignored people asking her if a mark was left. Yet she is asking people to comment on whether the force was unjustified. I think asking if there was a mark is entirely relevant. A very large man hitting you very very hard on the arm would leave some kind of mark. A slap on the arm that leaves no mark is no worse than a slap or tap or whatever with a newspaper.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 00:45

IfOnlyIKnewThen Yes, very bad, lots of people happy to excuse this man his violent overreaction! How fucking sad. Must go to bed before I read anymore how the poor man was treated! Angry

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 00:45

bunsex you cannot cajole someone into posting a picture of any part of them on the thread! It's really not very nice.

Original poster
QueenyLaverne · 01/02/2017 00:47

So man is rude to op.
Op responds jokingly, doesn't confront.
Bats the paper at him, brushes him.
He slaps he hard on the arm.

In a nutshell....

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 00:47

The only over reactions on here are the people making out that the colleague is a violent abuser. I have experience of dv and I find it highly insulting that a colleague retaliating in some tit for tat banter that hasn't even left a mark is even being spoken about in the same breath as dv!

P00pchute · 01/02/2017 00:47

Livia, no, you are being insulting, and then bizarrely trying to backtrack and minimize the backhanded insults using semantics. Then throwing in a smiley face at the end of every post now for extra passive aggression.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 00:47

A simple answer to the question would be fine.

roseshippy · 01/02/2017 00:48

"bunsex you cannot cajole someone into posting a picture of any part of them on the thread! It's really not very nice."

Nobody has asked for a picture!!!!

It was a question 'is there a mark?'.

What planet are some of the posters here inhabiting???

MakeMyWineADouble · 01/02/2017 00:50

Italiangreyhound. Your right I misquoted and used the wrong words that was a mistake. However we don't have the other side of the story so we don't know the man felt it was a tap. And no I don't want banter outlawed but for me banter is verbal. When there is physical contact then yes I feel that's inappropriate unless you know the person well and you can be sure they are ok with it.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 00:50

Yes, they have asked for a picture....

bumsexatthebingo Wed 01-Feb-17 00:28:41
I'm not sure if you've noticed op but quite a lot of people have asked whether the 'really, really hard wallop' from this huge man has left any mark and you've refused to answer. If you could post a pic of your arm maybe people could comment with a bit more accuracy about whether it was reasonable 'banter'.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 00:51

I did say if we could see a pic we might be more qualified to comment whether the force was excessive to be fair. Not sure how that counts as cajoling?
But a simple answer as to whether a mark was left isn't an unreasonable ask I don't think. Considering the op is asking whether it is worth reporting.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 00:51

Clearly the op doesn't wish to answer though...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 01/02/2017 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

misshelena · 01/02/2017 00:53

"colleague approached me with a work related matter. i did not appreciate his tone. i stated "who do you think you are talking to" and made contact with his person using a newspaper i was holding. colleague then made contact with my person with his open hand. end of interaction."

^^ Yes -- just the facts re-statement of what OP wrote initially. Thank you Bella, I've actually learned something!

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 00:54

bunsex I am very sorry that you are the target of any kind of abuse. I don't think another woman complaining about something that happened to her is insulting to you. She is telling her story and is entitled to do so.

Wanted "we don't know the man felt it was a tap." It was either a tap or it was not. You can doubt the Op's words but you cannot make his sensation of a tap 'worse' because he felt it was 'worse'. This is what I mean about words having meanings!

P00pchute · 01/02/2017 00:55

No one present is hard of understanding, they just have a conflicting viewpoint. If it's not your circus, why are you so invested in the conversation?

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 00:55

"What planet are some of the posters here inhabiting???" Planet earth where a banter induced (potentially accidental) a tap with a newspaper is not an assault!

bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 00:55

To be fair I don't think the op has actually made any domestic violence comparisons. It is other posters who have done that.

roseshippy · 01/02/2017 00:56

"Yes, they have asked for a picture...."

Fair enough, but the OP had been asked a dozen times prior and chosen not to respond.

BellaMoon · 01/02/2017 00:57

italiangreyhound

anything can be excused or validated if you "talk about it the right way" not just to argue for or against.

my comments to OP were merely to show perspective, encourage a little reflection perhaps, and as i clearly state, she should report the "incident". i never once stated or insinuated who was in the right or wrong in my opinion. i drew from personal experience to show that there is always more than one aspect to a story/situation. The OP gave a bit of background to the colleague so i also gave a bit of background for comparison (is it possible the colleague cannot/did not understand any "banter" in the way she intended it - did her colleague instinctively react to his personal space being compromised and lashed out?). i felt it relevant to the situation as described by OP and don't know why it would be "most worrying" at all.

again, for the avoidance of doubt, report the incident OP!

(i strongly disagree that if someone instinctively lashes out - per my example not this incident - as a self defence reaction with millisecond speed then it would be difficult to apportion blame when malice isn't a factor) Smile

MakeMyWineADouble · 01/02/2017 01:00

I'm not trying to make his sensation worse. I'm sorry if I'm not expressing myself right. I'm saying we don't know what he felt. My advice stands op felt upset and uncomfortable she should report that. The other party has the the right to report too if felt uncomfortable by the interaction.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 01:16

bunsex you asked for a picture at then about six minutes later said “Good luck with that question ChocoChou but it's been ignored for 13 pages now so I wouldn't hold your breath for an answer!”

Before saying again within 10 minutes “The op has repeatedly ignored people asking her if a mark was left. Yet she is asking people to comment on whether the force was unjustified. I think asking if there was a mark is entirely relevant. A very large man hitting you very very hard on the arm would leave some kind of mark. A slap on the arm that leaves no mark is no worse than a slap or tap or whatever with a newspaper.”

Which strikes me as cajouling, somewhat. Because what you have said implies if there is no bruise then it is he same as a tap with a newspaper!

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 01:17

misshelena I am curious what conclusion you have drawn by using Bella's method? You don't need to say of course. But you did miss out that he spoke initially in a '...very sarcastic way'.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 01:22

Make I am not trying to pick you up on the individual words to be mean I just felt that there is a confusion on her about what words describe.

I could pat my colleague on the back, he could spin round in his chair and slap me around the face and say I had hit him. He would not because I (thankfully) do not work with knob heads!

Bella thank you for replying, I hope my comments were not harsh, they were not intended. Thanks

You mention "is it possible the colleague cannot/did not understand any "banter" in the way she intended". Yet if the OP is to be believed (which I do) then this collaege uses a sarcastic manner often. So presumably he does know how to dish it out and should know how to take it.

"did her colleague instinctively react to his personal space being compromised and lashed out?" If he did would you like to work around someone like that, I would not. Is that a reasonable response?See my comment above about patting a collegue on the back.

""most worrying" I cannot remember what I referred to as most worrying and I can't see I said it to you but I may well have done that and cannot find it! Blush what did I think was most worrying?

"again, for the avoidance of doubt, report the incident OP!" Great advice and I totally agree with you. Grin

"as a self defence reaction with millisecond speed then it would be difficult to apportion blame when malice isn't a factor"

Yes of course it is a shame to apportion blame and all but someone is to blame. What if she had a cup of hot coffee in her hand and scaled you?

Maybe you could apportion it as an accident (not that I would) but similar to leaving something in the walk way that someone trips over and maybe is injured because of.

I once left my bike sprawled on the pavement (as a teenager) outside a newsagent. I came out a few minutes later to find a blind man sprawled on my bike. I was mortified, apologetic, I am sure I helped him up etc, I can't even remember what happened next. But I know I would never leave my bike, or allow my kids, to leave anything in-front of a shop like that.

If we do things that hurt people but even by accident, there is still blame to apportion, but most all lessons to learn.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 01:25

I didn't directly ask for a pic. I said if the op posted one we could judge better as she is asking if it is worth reporting and no-one was there. My other posts have been in relation to the fact that the the op has refused to answer whether the blow left a mark despite being asked countless times by different posters.