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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to use my maiden name?

98 replies

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 12:45

The spelling of my first name is unusual, I also have a 'rare' maiden name. On FB I use my first name maiden name, due to the distinctive combination school friends, former work colleagues and family overseas have been able to connect with me. My status is married, statuses reflect my husband.
In the 10 years I have been a FB user my husband has never had an issue with this, he gets it.
I am embarking on a career change after studying and achieving the qualifications to enable this transition and have secured myself a full time role which I shall be starting this month.
The nature of my new career is getting clients through marketing, advertising, social media presence and client referral.
In my mind having a unique first name maiden name is a winner, I don't need gimmicks its mine.
I am developing a Twitter/Instagram presence and after only a few days of following one of my targets, I have a mention. Oh the joy.
I Whatsapp a screenshot of the mention @firstnamemaidenname to my husband and he responds with, 'but thats not your name , if you don't want my name I'm happy to have it back' FFS!
We had a recent discussion about this and I tried to assure him it's not about us it's a business strategy.
The Christians in my family say I am wrong. My children think its catchy. My girlfriends all think it makes business sense.
What do you think?

Should I use memorable maiden name or forgettable marital name?

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 31/01/2017 12:50

There's no requirement anywhere for you to have taken your husband's last name for any occasion - it's just a very culturally-specific social habit many couples fall in to, not an obligation.

So no, you aren't being in the slightest bit unreasonable to use your own bloody name for your own business.

And it's your DH's problem if he's so insecure that he cannot cope with the idea that people use different names for different circumstances.

Paperkins · 31/01/2017 12:51

It's not your 'maiden' name. It's your name, the one you were given when you were born. This is 2017. No law says you have to change your name when you marry, it's very old-fashioned to do so. Your name, use it how you like. If you did change your name when you married, it's trickier, including for business things like any bank accounts that you may have in another name and also rules around driving licences - if you are regularly known as another name, you need to have that on your licence (in case you are seen by a colleague who knows you well driving into another car and fleeing the scene and they tell the police it was 'Sarah Smith' and then you say 'not me, I'm Sarah Spoon' then it's not good).

Original poster

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 12:55

Paperkins that's an interesting point. So far my life on paper is in my marital name, I have no plans on changing that first name maiden name is to be seen a business name or nick name if you'd rather, does that make sense? Do you think I should get advice in this regard?

OP posts:

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 12:56

Your name, do whatever you like.

ThymeLord · 31/01/2017 12:56

It isn't your 'maiden' name, it's your name. Just as his name is his. Why is his more important? If he's so concerned with you having a shared surname he can change his to yours can't he.

Original poster

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 12:57

This is 2017 do you think it unfair to quote the 21st century vs someones feelings? Not a criticism a genuine question, I honestly don't see it as a big deal but he does.

OP posts:

PenCreed · 31/01/2017 12:58

Use whatever name you like!
I'm puzzled by the Christians in your family who say it's wrong. I'm a Christian and have kept my own name, none of my family are bothered by it (although I have to remind my DM occasionally). And I know other people who use one name at work and another at home, particularly if they were known in their profession before marriage. If it's distinctive and that's an edge, use it!

Original poster

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 12:58

ThymeLord I may suggest that, I'll let you know how he receives it .

OP posts:

AnUtterIdiot · 31/01/2017 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoffreyBaratheon · 31/01/2017 13:00

Absolutely. As a genealogist I'd say the only names you can be fairly sure ARE your's on your entire family tree - are the female lines. ;o)

As a feminist - yes. It's your name. Keep it. What century are we in? I'm in my 50s and am still shocked how many younger women seem to want to take a man's name. Why would anyone? (Unless your original surname is Arse, or Tawttington, or Trump or something hideous).

Also it's your business. You have to have a memorable brand. It's really vital and seems like you've struck it lucky having a cool name!

My husband's 60 and has never in over 30 years questioned my refusal to use his name. I see it like this: I'm not his pet at the vet's. So I don't need his surname. (Incidentally we take turns with pets' surnames at the vet's! The current dog has my surname. Kids? I let them choose).

JoffreyBaratheon · 31/01/2017 13:00

Doh! Twattington! I can't even spell the hideous names.

SansComic · 31/01/2017 13:01

It's up to you OP.

I can save you some time.

There'll be some people who are happy to have taken their husband's name when they married. Some will say taking it a symbol of the patriarchy and all that's wrong with the world and Trump and Brexit and stuff.

Then someone'll chime in with the Miss, Mrs, Ms argument, mistakenly talking about women being property or somesuch bollocks. The women who say they are happy to be Mrs Marriedname will be told they're old fashioned and have achieved nothing beyond marriage. The Ms women will be called idiots...

A few posts will be deleted.

Angst will fizzle out.

You'll be left sifting through the crap for a handful of intelligent posts.

Again, it's up to you. As long as your maiden name isn't too gimmicky (you want to be taken seriously) then do it if it's what you want. You husband isn't a controlling wanker and nor should you LTB (that may well come). If you're set on the maiden name name then explain to your husband one more time and then start calling him Mr Yourmaidenname until he snaps out of it.

I understand why he may be a little offneded that you took his name for 'life' but not business.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 31/01/2017 13:01

Tell him it is not your name, it is your brand.

Or just to fuck off.

Choice is yours

user892 · 31/01/2017 13:02

Sexist misogynistic bollocks. You can call yourself anything you like! (within legal parameters, of course)

Paperkins · 31/01/2017 13:02

I would question my husband if he in anyway thought that I should take his name in this day and age. If he had strong feelings about it I'd pick a different husband (I am married, neither of us changed our names as it seemed a bonkers thing to do).

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2017 13:03

The Christians in my family say I am wrong.

This is in no way a Christian issue.

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 13:03

That's quite an antagonistic post, Sans.

Danglybits · 31/01/2017 13:04

Sorry that you're getting grief from Christians in your family.

Sounds like your DH doesn't really get it. Can you try explaining all the reasoning again? It's a business name; so no more offensive than calling yourself Toys R Us or something!

The male ego is a fragile thing though and maybe he senses that you prefer your cooler maiden name... I don't think there's any harm in emphasising that, work "nickname" apart, you like having the same name as him.

Good luck.

BenefitsQuestions · 31/01/2017 13:05

If your husband is still using his maiden name why can't you use yours?

He didn't change to your surname when you got married. Why would you?

This is surreal. It's 2017!

Your name is your name. Not your maiden name it's YOUR NAME. Like his is his name.

Original poster

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 13:06

Yes TalkingofMichaelAngel0 it is my brand, of course it is. In the real world I am and hope to always be Mrs. MarriedName, however my business name is FirstNameMaidenName, marital status is irrelevant, I am a professional within my profession.

OP posts:

LumelaMme · 31/01/2017 13:06

do you think it unfair to quote the 21st century vs someones feelings?
Someone's feelings need to accommodate a) fairness and b) reality.
Regarding a), why is his name more important than your name?
Regarding b), plenty of men manage to feel completely un-emasculated when married to women who have different names from them. And it IS 2017!

SansComic · 31/01/2017 13:07

@HelenDenver

Perhaps.

I started typing (with both fingers) when there had only been one reply. I'm clearly being proven right though. It would have been better had my post been quicker, of course.

I did try to help the OP as well as being very slightly antagonistic.

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 13:07

"The male ego is a fragile thing though and maybe he senses that you prefer your cooler maiden name... I don't think there's any harm in emphasising that, work "nickname" apart, you like having the same name as him."

Nnnnggggh!

SecondMrsAshwell · 31/01/2017 13:08

I agree, Purpledaisies and I'm a Christian. They're deffo talking out of the wrong end there.

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 13:08

"I'm clearly being proven right though"

Politely disagree with you there.

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