Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to use my maiden name?

98 replies

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 12:45

The spelling of my first name is unusual, I also have a 'rare' maiden name. On FB I use my first name maiden name, due to the distinctive combination school friends, former work colleagues and family overseas have been able to connect with me. My status is married, statuses reflect my husband.
In the 10 years I have been a FB user my husband has never had an issue with this, he gets it.
I am embarking on a career change after studying and achieving the qualifications to enable this transition and have secured myself a full time role which I shall be starting this month.
The nature of my new career is getting clients through marketing, advertising, social media presence and client referral.
In my mind having a unique first name maiden name is a winner, I don't need gimmicks its mine.
I am developing a Twitter/Instagram presence and after only a few days of following one of my targets, I have a mention. Oh the joy.
I Whatsapp a screenshot of the mention @firstnamemaidenname to my husband and he responds with, 'but thats not your name Sad, if you don't want my name I'm happy to have it back' FFS!
We had a recent discussion about this and I tried to assure him it's not about us it's a business strategy.
The Christians in my family say I am wrong. My children think its catchy. My girlfriends all think it makes business sense.
What do you think?

Should I use memorable maiden name or forgettable marital name?

OP posts:
HelenaGWells · 31/01/2017 13:09

I know a photographer who uses her maiden name for her work and her married name for everything else. It just sounds better.

He has to realise that it is very different. It's just like calling yourself purple giraffe. It's a business name.

When you speak to people you won't use the surname part anyway.

SharingMichelle · 31/01/2017 13:12

The distinctiveness of your name and your new career is a red herring.

It doesnt matter if you're Ann Smith or Perranzabuloe Twistles.

It's your name. You don't have to change it.

He's being a bit of a dick, but we're all dicks from time to time so I'm sure you can set him right and he'll be okay.

HostaFireAndIce · 31/01/2017 13:13

I don't know too much about the legal ins and outs and perhaps you should look into that more carefully, but I know quite a few people who use their maiden names professionally and married names personally. I think it's quite common for the reasons you have stated and also for people who had a professional reputation before they got married and took their husband's surname.

Pallisers · 31/01/2017 13:13

I use my name - not a new name I took when I married. I don't understand all the angst and can't imagine why a man would care either way.

But actually I can almost see where your husband is coming from in a weird way. If you just stuck with your own name for everything it would make sense to me but basically you have a "stage name" and a real name. So in real life you are Mrs X Y but in business life you are Ms X Z.

(A bit like being Sting - presumably he doesn't sign his legal documents as Sting but as his actual name. ). But life isn't compartmentalised like that - your business life will bleed into your real life and it will be really odd to have two names. Which one will you use to sign contracts etc? Will you be signing the house purchase as one name but the lease on your business premises as another. It just seems like a lot of faff to me. Why not just be your own name?

So maybe he wasn't being all 1950s but was just saying "look if you are going to be Ms X Z for business, why not just be that completely".

HostaFireAndIce · 31/01/2017 13:14

As an aside, I also know a couple who both use her surname now they are married. They prefer it to his. You should definitely suggest this to him...

kel1234 · 31/01/2017 13:15

You don't have to use your married name if you don't want to. It's your choice completely.
Mind you having said that, my husband said he would have been a bit upset if I didn't want to take his name. Luckily I couldn't wait to have the same name as him anyway, so it wasn't a problem. But I know if I'd wanted to keep my own name and explained that to dh we would eventually have accepted it

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 13:15

"But life isn't compartmentalised like that - your business life will bleed into your real life and it will be really odd to have two names"

Not if you have a business reputation under one name that you've spent 5-15 years building.

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2017 13:16

"But life isn't compartmentalised like that - your business life will bleed into your real life and it will be really odd to have two names"

Not at all. Many doctors keep their names at work because it's linked to their professional work that was published before they were married. It's a non issue to have two names (unless you're so knackered you sign something with the wrong name and the lab rings you to come and change it!).

AmeliaJack · 31/01/2017 13:17

The Christians in your family don't like it?

If they are suggesting a religious basis for their dislike then they are peddling nonsense.

I'm a practicing Christian- I'd love to hear scriptural basis for their issue.

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2017 13:19

I'm a practicing Christian- I'd love to hear scriptural basis for their issue.

Me too. I've never come across anyone who's had an issue with this in all the eighteen years I've been a Christian.

SansComic · 31/01/2017 13:22

Politely disagree with you there.

We're getting there...

"Tell him ... just to fuck off."

"Sexist misogynistic bollocks"

"Luckily I couldn't wait to have the same name as him"

"I'd pick a different husband"

"The male ego is a fragile thing though"

GummyBunting · 31/01/2017 13:24

I know plenty of people who do this. My DM's work name is her maiden name because she built up a reputation using that name, but in life she uses her married name. It's really not that unusual. It's branding.

ThymeLord · 31/01/2017 13:25

Clearly it is very fragile if having a different surname is such an issue.

shovetheholly · 31/01/2017 13:28

You have a right to call yourself whatever you like. It's not your husband's business, in either sense of that word.

I think men who are bothered by women having different names to theirs are absolutely pathetic. It's a tradition born out of the fact that women weren't treated as legal or political beings, and whose rights were 'covered' first by a father and then by a husband. Not wanting to have that history in a loving, equal marriage is perfectly rational.

Parker231 · 31/01/2017 13:28

I've never understood any woman agreeing to change her name on marriage- men don't so why should women. The idea is so sexist and incredibly old fashioned!

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2017 13:31

I've never understood any woman agreeing to change her name on marriage

Some women want to. It's their decision and I wouldn't judge them for it.

It's a cliche but my old surname and job combination was awful (think Dr Death) so I was pleased to change mine. I'd have done it by deed poll if I hadn't been getting married shortly after I qualified.

specialsubject · 31/01/2017 13:31

presumably you are on first name terms with your husband? So why is he bothered?

he will also want to be called by the correct name. So if they are different surname, the intros go 'hello, I'm Jane myname and this is my husband John hisname'.

anyone who can't cope can be ignored.

BTW in the UK marriage has never changed names. That's why if you do want to change your name on marriage you have to take action. Do nothing, no change.

Original poster
WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 13:37

The Christian family argument was more about hurting your spouse; is my business name more important to me than my husbands feelings?

OP posts:
Megatherium · 31/01/2017 13:39

Ask the family Christians precisely where in the Bible it says that women must take their husbands' surnames. I guess they would probably argue that it means you're not loving and honouring him in accordance with your marriage vows, but of course the important part of those vows is how you actually live your life, not the label you stick on yourself. There are plenty of women who do take their husbands' names who then go on to commit adultery.

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 13:39

Also: why aren't your feelings important to him?

Original poster
WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 13:39

The Christian argument was more about hurting your spouse; is my brand more important to me than my husbands feelings?

OP posts:
TheProblemOfSusan · 31/01/2017 13:41

I know loads and loads of people with a lot of professional capital built into their real name that they don't want to lose when they marry - myself included. As a pp has said, it's particularly an issue for doctors of all kinds, academics especially, due to publications and work history.

I didn't change at all, but know many, many women who took their husband's name personally either for their own reasons or because their husband was being a precious flower about it and they didn't care enough to push back.

The only (non-husband) problem anyone I know has ever had with this split is over flights: it's really important to make sure that whoever books work flights for you knows what name your passport is in. But that's it. Have at it, and perhaps flannel him with some line about it being to separate boring work life from your wonderful home life with him as Mrs His Name. For you, who were happy to change on marriage as he presumably wanted you to, it's a business gimmick, as you said, to make you stand out more, and he's being a bit unreasonable.

(insert lengthy, not-to-the-point-of-this-post about why no one should ever change their name here Grin)

Megatherium · 31/01/2017 13:42

Cross--posted there. The duty to consider feelings self-evidently goes both ways; men's feelings don't trump women's, particularly over something like this which impacts on his daily life to precisely zero extent. Would the Christian relatives seriously argue that if, say, a man chooses to be hurt because his wife doesn't have his slippers waiting for him when he gets home and a hot three-course dinner on the table, she would be acting in an unchristian manner by failing to provide those things?

Original poster
WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 13:42

HelenDenver their thoughts are why go out of your way to hurt him when you have the power to change course.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2017 13:44

their thoughts are why go out of your way to hurt him when you have the power to change course.

They could easily say to him that it's a business name and if he's secure in his marriage he can choose to not let it bother him.