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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to use my maiden name?

98 replies

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 12:45

The spelling of my first name is unusual, I also have a 'rare' maiden name. On FB I use my first name maiden name, due to the distinctive combination school friends, former work colleagues and family overseas have been able to connect with me. My status is married, statuses reflect my husband.
In the 10 years I have been a FB user my husband has never had an issue with this, he gets it.
I am embarking on a career change after studying and achieving the qualifications to enable this transition and have secured myself a full time role which I shall be starting this month.
The nature of my new career is getting clients through marketing, advertising, social media presence and client referral.
In my mind having a unique first name maiden name is a winner, I don't need gimmicks its mine.
I am developing a Twitter/Instagram presence and after only a few days of following one of my targets, I have a mention. Oh the joy.
I Whatsapp a screenshot of the mention @firstnamemaidenname to my husband and he responds with, 'but thats not your name Sad, if you don't want my name I'm happy to have it back' FFS!
We had a recent discussion about this and I tried to assure him it's not about us it's a business strategy.
The Christians in my family say I am wrong. My children think its catchy. My girlfriends all think it makes business sense.
What do you think?

Should I use memorable maiden name or forgettable marital name?

OP posts:
ThymeLord · 31/01/2017 13:45

Why would it hurt him?

AmeliaJack · 31/01/2017 13:47

My response to that is "why are his feelings on the matter more important than mine"?

1st Corinthians 13:4

"Love is patient. Love is kind .... it is not proud"

Lots and lots of women use a business name. It's nothing at all to do with your husband.

AmeliaJack · 31/01/2017 13:50

Pallisers life compartmentalises perfectly easily for loads of women I know who do this. One name at work, one name everywhere else.

shovetheholly · 31/01/2017 13:51

"The Christian argument was more about hurting your spouse; is my brand more important to me than my husbands feelings?"

Seriously, your husband needs to drag himself out of the nineteenth century and into the twenty-first.

He is CHOOSING to frame this in a way where your independence causes him offence. It's an age-old tactic of oppression. The same as "Oh, is your wearing trousers more important than my embarrassment as your husband" or "Is your voting more important to you than your family?" were used against the suffragettes.

shovetheholly · 31/01/2017 13:52

(He could frame it another way: 'I love and respect you as an independent person too much to take your unique and special maiden name away from you". This would be a less oppressive way of looking at it).

wettunwindee · 31/01/2017 13:54

AmeliaJack

What does the bible have to do with this?

"If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid....if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die

The Christians in the family can safely be ignored.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 31/01/2017 13:56

"The Christian argument was more about hurting your spouse; is my brand more important to me than my husbands feelings?"
What about your feelings?

Honestly this is not anything to do with Christianity. I"m an active Christian. I may be the only married woman in my church who doesn't use her husband's name at all, but I'm by no means the only one to use my maiden name for work. It's really, really common to separate the two in this way. Especially if you are a freelancer with your name as your brand.

Original poster
WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 13:56

I hear you shovetheholly.

OP posts:
GummyBunting · 31/01/2017 14:03

I've never understood any woman agreeing to change her name on marriage- men don't so why should women. The idea is so sexist and incredibly old fashioned!

Really? My maiden name is my Dad's name. I don't have a bad relationship with my DF but it's also nothing to be admired, however my relationship with my soon to be husband is wonderful. I'd much rather be a firstname husbandsname.

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 14:04

What if your twitter name was rudegrrrl1888? (don't use this!) - would he still be hurt??

SomethingBorrowed · 31/01/2017 14:07

It might be 2017 but a lot of women (me included) still take their DH's name and start being called Mrs instead of Miss. I don't see an issue, for me it is just how things are traditionally done.

I would understand a DH being upset that his DW doesn't want to take his name HOWEVER for branding purposes I don't see an issue at all.

Parker231 · 31/01/2017 14:12

Why would a DH be upset that his DW doesn't want to take his name? Perhaps it should be the norm for men to take a women's name on marriage?
Tradition is a huge negative for women on marriage.

shovetheholly · 31/01/2017 14:18

"Really? My maiden name is my Dad's name. I don't have a bad relationship with my DF but it's also nothing to be admired, however my relationship with my soon to be husband is wonderful. I'd much rather be a firstname husbandsname."

I take your point, but I do think there's a difference in the sense that it's breaking with the tradition that sees women pass from father to husband. I think it is a claim to be recognised as an individual subject, and one that is particularly significant for women whose name is a kind of brand (writers, for instance). It's a choice that departs from a tradition of losing one identity and gaining another, and it creates new choices for future generations of girls that don't just reproduce the same problems! Smile

(I know several women who have taken their mothers' maiden names to get outside of the tradition altogether).

I absolutely appreciate, however, that there are instances of male oppression where a woman would not want to retain her father's name! It's very much a choice. But one, in my view, that should not be made on the basis of some "cute-ification" of subservience ("Oh, he'll think it's LOVELY if I take his name!") or some rose-tinted view of the awful history involved.

CockacidalManiac · 31/01/2017 14:20

SansComic
Do you honestly think that you're funny?

DJBaggySmalls · 31/01/2017 14:22

Why is it such a big deal to him? I dont get the problem.
Its sad to see old names die out. the old Celt names are becoming rarer with each generation that doesnt have male heirs, just because of this Christian tradition.
But I dont see any reference to it in the Bible.

SansComic · 31/01/2017 14:30

CockacidalManiac

Yes. honestly. A solid 6.5/10.

I assume you disagree... where would you put me with 1 being Michael McIntyre and 10 being Steve Martin?

HSMMaCM · 31/01/2017 14:38

When DH and I got married, we chose a surname we both liked and we use that. It is a family name, as we used those as a start point to see which we liked best. Neither of us particularly liked the surnames we were born with.

I have a friend who uses her maiden name for professional purposes and (as far as I know) no one has questioned it.

StarkintheSouth · 31/01/2017 14:41

Keep your name! Legally I changed my name but professionally I kept my maiden name as my professional network knows me by that and I've worked too hard too long to lose that. DH is perfectly understanding of this too. He should take the view that the more successful you are all the better for him!!! X

ThymeLord · 31/01/2017 14:47

I wish calling it a maiden name would die off. Do men have maiden names I wonder.

AddToBasket · 31/01/2017 14:59

I agree about 'maiden' - cringe.

Megatherium · 31/01/2017 15:07

(I know several women who have taken their mothers' maiden names to get outside of the tradition altogether).

Still somewhat illogical as those names derive from their grandfathers. I think logically if people want to get out of the male possession tradition they should simply choose an entirely new surname.

Danglybits · 31/01/2017 15:20

I changed my name joyfully bc I hated my maiden name and it wasn't even "my" name anyway I found out that my legal/social father wasn't my bio father. And as a friend put it you swap one man's name for another...

I do get that some people love their maiden name -- my DDs do.

I love the expression "maiden name". So pleasingly random and archaic!!

CrackersDontMatter · 31/01/2017 15:22

The subject of names has come up a lot in our family. Out of three married siblings, one changed to husband's name, one double barrelled with wife's name and one took wife's name. All that given, there are still eyebrows being raised at SIL2B wanting to keep her own name. She has a professional career and has a lot of kudos attached to her name. She has worked hard to build a reputation and network and wants to remain recognisable. Aside from not even needing to have a reason, I agree with her. It's ridiculous the flak that she is taking for wanting to keep her own name. It's not about her not liking the name, or rejecting our family (as has been said by my mum), it's about having ownership of her identity. No one has any right to be offended by her decision.

Imagine if Jo Malone candles suddenly became "Jo Watson" Candles. I don't know if Malone is a married name or not, I'm just using an example of what is being suggested by OP's DH.

Crisscrosscranky · 31/01/2017 15:24

This is Mumsnet. You are being unreasonable if your don't use your maiden name...

Blobby10 · 31/01/2017 15:30

I went back to my maiden name for business purposes about 4 years ago - I work in the family business and its much easier for customers, especially overseas ones, to make the connection. ExH was fully on board with it (or said he was and encouraged me to do it!) but now I look back and realise that our marriage started to go seriously downhill around the same time and will always wonder if there was a connection.

But yes to using your maiden name for business Grin

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