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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to use my maiden name?

98 replies

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 12:45

The spelling of my first name is unusual, I also have a 'rare' maiden name. On FB I use my first name maiden name, due to the distinctive combination school friends, former work colleagues and family overseas have been able to connect with me. My status is married, statuses reflect my husband.
In the 10 years I have been a FB user my husband has never had an issue with this, he gets it.
I am embarking on a career change after studying and achieving the qualifications to enable this transition and have secured myself a full time role which I shall be starting this month.
The nature of my new career is getting clients through marketing, advertising, social media presence and client referral.
In my mind having a unique first name maiden name is a winner, I don't need gimmicks its mine.
I am developing a Twitter/Instagram presence and after only a few days of following one of my targets, I have a mention. Oh the joy.
I Whatsapp a screenshot of the mention @firstnamemaidenname to my husband and he responds with, 'but thats not your name , if you don't want my name I'm happy to have it back' FFS!
We had a recent discussion about this and I tried to assure him it's not about us it's a business strategy.
The Christians in my family say I am wrong. My children think its catchy. My girlfriends all think it makes business sense.
What do you think?

Should I use memorable maiden name or forgettable marital name?

OP posts:

Original poster

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 15:37

Thanks for sharing Blobby10, I feel really positive about my decision now .

OP posts:

Original poster

WWYD2016 · 31/01/2017 15:38

Incidently Blobby10 did this cause any financial conflict e.g. your bank, tax, home etc being in Mrs. Blobby10 versus Miss Blobby10 at work?

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 31/01/2017 15:46

I wish people would use the term "birth name" as opposed to maiden name.

Actually, I wish people would just call it "my own name". Because that is what it is. Your own name.

Blobby10 · 31/01/2017 16:02

WWYD2016 - the only time it causes me issues is when I'm booking and paying for flights, hotels etc. I have to book that all in my married name as my credit card is in that name as is, of course, my passport and driving licence.

Once the divorce comes through I will have to make a decision about whether to revert fully back to my maiden (or birth!!) name - nods to Aye . but i'd like to have the same name as my children for a bit longer yet. Of course, when he remarries I will change immediately

EurusHolmesViolin · 31/01/2017 16:19

Call yourself whatever you want OP. Call yourself Donaldette Trump if you like. Very odd and irrational behaviour from your husband, even more so from the Christians in the family. Jesus never had anything to say on this issue. Best to ignore both, or laugh in their faces if you particularly wish to engage.

And as a friend put it -- you swap one man's name for another...

No you don't. You swap your own name for a man's. If your name isn't yours because you got it from your dad, the same is true for the man you marry. Unless of course your friend meant you swap your dad's name for your FILs...

WhoKn0wsWhereTheTimeG0es · 31/01/2017 17:26

Really? My maiden name is my Dad's name. I don't have a bad relationship with my DF but it's also nothing to be admired, however my relationship with my soon to be husband is wonderful. I'd much rather be a firstname husbandsname.

This doesn't make sense to me. Your DH would rather keep his father's surname than take yours? These arguments about a woman's birth surname being disposable because it's their father's name really don't make sense when most men have their father's surname too.

honeylulu · 31/01/2017 17:30

You don't need anyone's permission to use the name of your choice!!! Do what you want.
I would have found your husband's remark offensive. "I'll have my name back" indeed! What did he think he was implying? That he'll divorce you if you don't fall in line?

milliemolliemou · 31/01/2017 17:48

I've never changed my name for professional and feminist reasons (though do wonder why I therefore have my father's!) Lots of Christian women, including those in Spain and Afrikaaners, keep their born names. If you have a wonderfully different name which would help with marketing use it.

Wickedstepmum67 · 31/01/2017 18:04

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. Blimey, it's 2017. I didn't change my name when I got married - no objection to DH's surname, just already had a perfectly good one of my own. It causes no end of confusion at times though, which again surprises us in this day and age. He gets called 'Mr my surname here' and I have had one experience of someone saying it was unusual that I'd married someone with the same surname as myself (I'd just flummoxed them by introducing my mum and then myself, and explaining I'm married). I've had someone send me a cheque in DH's surname and be quite annoyed when I explained no bank account exists in that name. Older relatives insist on calling me by his surname. I could go on! Oops, just have.

Wickedstepmum67 · 31/01/2017 18:05

Just realised I inadvertently emboldened 'my surname'

Danglybits · 31/01/2017 18:16

I've got a friend, my age (40s) who sends family invitations to me only (as the social secretary of the family presumably) addressed to Mrs DH1stname Surname!! I think folk on this thread would explode... I find it amusingly archaic.

EurusHolmesViolin · 31/01/2017 18:26

You mean you'd be a firstname FILsname gummybunting. If your maiden name is your dad's name, your husband's is his dad's. If your husband's name is his name not his dad's, so is yours.

thebakerwithboobs · 31/01/2017 18:29

OP I do exactly what you describe. My 'married' name is Baker (hence the Mn name) but I genuinely don't think even my closest friends ever remember that. I have a distinctive first name and a distinctive (and actually bloody ridiculous when you combine it with my first name) surname and I stuck with it. It's only on the very rare occasion that I sign a cheque from our joint account that I have to remember to sign Baker. It's a complete non-issue. Is it perhaps that you have used it this far and now have decided to revert that has made your husband feel rejected? You should offer him your surname??

Dahlietta · 31/01/2017 20:53

I don't really get all this angst about the term 'maiden name'. A maiden is an unmarried woman; therefore your maiden name is the name you had when you were an unmarried woman. I think it's quaint, rather than offensive.

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 21:03

Maidenhead = virginity.

Maiden doesn't just mean unmarried, it implies virgin, with a side order of pretty young.

Since the average age of first marriage is something like 28 and very few women are virgins on marriage, it's a bollocks term.

ThymeLord · 31/01/2017 21:06

I am very much not a maiden. It's 2017, unmarried women are not maidens!

crazywriter · 31/01/2017 21:11

Completely up to you and it does make sense.

FWIW I've kept my.maiden name for business but took my husband's name. My parents assumed I would and nothing was keeping me attached to my maiden name outside of business. In fact I hated it because of my middle initial made me a target.for.bullies in college. The only Epson I kept it for business was because I'd already built a brand around it. If you have an unusual name it will be easier to draw attention to you. It stands out and is a good marketing strategy.

Ignore the family members against it. Sit down with your husband and explain it and just help him understand. While some people may say sod him, I can understand if he feels a little upset. He may have thought that when you went into marketing that you'd make a move into using your married name. He just needs to understand why you're doing it. No judgement or frustration. Just straight talking.

Your girlfriends are talking sense :)

MortalEnemy · 31/01/2017 21:14

I didn't have a 'maiden name' before or after my marriage. I had a name I've had from birth, same as my husband has. I genuinely can't believe anyone still has issues with this in 2017.

eyespydreams · 31/01/2017 22:03

Yes gummy if your name is your father's name, why isn't DH to be's name HIS father's name? Or do only men get to own names? Lucky old men, eh?

Also, maiden = virgin.

Dahlietta · 31/01/2017 22:14

Maiden doesn't just mean unmarried, it implies virgin, with a side order of pretty young.

Implies virgin, but doesn't necessarily 'mean' it. The primary meaning given in the Oxford English Dictionary is unmarried. It also doesn't necessarily mean young, as in the term 'maiden aunt'. It's definitely antiquated, but I don't take offence at antiquated things per se, unless they are otherwise offensive.

Dahlietta · 31/01/2017 22:17

By the way, I'm not arguing that people should change their name when they get married or that, if you do, you must use the term 'maiden name'. I'm just musing on the fact that I don't think it's particularly offensive (in case that wasn't clear!)

WhoKn0wsWhereTheTimeG0es · 31/01/2017 22:22

I don't have a maiden name either, just a surname.

OP - it's up to you, we are lucky to live in a culture where there are no legal restrictions on what name you use, only societal expectations. Lots of women use one name for business and one privately, I can see the benefit of using both for privacy reasons if you are going for a high profile business persona. Maybe tell him that it's to protect his and your DCs privacy?

As for the "Christian" bit, why are you trying to cause hurt, well, why is he trying to cause you hurt by putting limitations on your career profile?

EmzDisco · 31/01/2017 22:37

Another one bemused by the idea that a man just has his own name, but a woman has her fathers name which she can swap for a husbands name. Never a name of her own. Surely if a woman's name is her fathers name when she gets married she takes her DH's fathers name?!

Anyway I think it's very sad that people can't just call themselves whatever name they like, it's very normal for people to use a couple of different names in a formal sense, then have nick names and pet names and all kinds of facets to their identity. No one should be offended by that, least of all a supposedly loving spouse.

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