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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my BF's 'joke'?

80 replies

expatparent · 29/01/2017 15:22

My (I thought/hope) best and oldest friend made a joke about me to my DH, in front of me, and it has cut me to the core and made me start to re-evaluate what she really thinks of me. Perhaps I'm over-reacting, but she knew it was a sensitive topic. Wd welcome thoughts.
My DH's employer has moved him to another country. Consequently I am giving up my job (which paid as much, if not more than his, and was more stable), my home for 15 years, my social circle, to join him in a country where I don't really speak the language, have no friends, and will have trouble finding work. The main gain is that I will be able to visit my DS, in boarding school, more often.
I did choose to do this, but it was presented as - he was going, I could come, or have a long distance commuting relationship. The other factor is that a few years ago I had the chance of promotion if I moved, but withdrew from consideration because my DH refused to move with me.

My BF knows all this, and that I am very anxious, upset, insecure, about the entire process. But she hasn't been keen to talk about it. I had lunch with her, and at the end my DH joined us and things were normal and friendly. She and I always split our bill but this time she moved to pay more than her share. I said something like "don't worry I can still afford to pay for my lunch". She turned to my DH and said (I remember it word for word) "Oh dear, I suppose that is the next thing we are going to have to put up with, xxx [me] not having any money." They both laughed and she immediately left for her office.
I know I should have said something immediately, but I was so shocked that she was out of the cafe before I even realized and then I had to get on a plane. I have been trying for some time to convince myself that it was just a joke in poor taste. But it nags at me that it shows that either my stress/insecurity about the move is unreasonable (am I being selfish, over-emotional,overly negative?) or that, when the going gets tough she is no longer someone who I can be confident will be there for me.

OP posts:
TobleroneBoo · 29/01/2017 15:28

Is she not making a dig at your DH for "taking you away" ( even if you have agreed to)?

Original poster
expatparent · 29/01/2017 15:31

Actually, I will be closer to her (but not in the same country), so I think not.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/01/2017 15:35

I can't understand this at all. For one thing don't you and your husband share your money? For another, she sounds as though she gets off on it being her and him against you. I wouldn't be happy about that.

I wonder why you're going with your husband, tbh. Can't your son go to school here? You're making an absolutely massive sacrifice when your husband isn't prepared to do anything for you. Do you really want that kind of marriage?

ChicRock · 29/01/2017 15:35

What a sly little dig... "the next thing we are going to have to put up with" sounds like a bit of an "in joke" between her and your DH.

Nasty bitch.

ExpectoPatronummmm · 29/01/2017 15:36

So your son is currently in boarding school in another country? Poor lad

Moreisnnogedag · 29/01/2017 15:38

I wouldn't like the "this is another thing we will have to put up with". Is she meaning the two of you, her and your dh, or her and your other friends? I'd be Hmm about it certainly

TheNaze73 · 29/01/2017 15:40

She sounds like a shit friend

FutureMrsRanj · 29/01/2017 15:41

I have read it as though she is treating you like a child and also implying you moan about things. I don't know you op or whether you do complain often but if she believes that to be the case she should say so in a far more pleasant way. And I would be a little cross with DH for laughing too

Hobbes8 · 29/01/2017 15:42

I read it totally differently to the others. I think it was a dig at your DH - the next thing we (you and she) have to put up with, after him not supporting your career and demanding that you support his, is the fact that he will now be controlling your money and you won't be financially independent anymore.

My views might be coloured by the fact I read your OP thinking your husband sounded awful though.

WeddingsAreStressful · 29/01/2017 15:43

I think it's just a stupid joke, in very poor taste. The fact that you took it so badly (cut you to the core?) tells me this is more about your own insecurities. Making such a big move should have been a joint decision. The tact that it wasn't and you're making such big sacrifices rings alarm bells for me and you sound quite insecure in your relationship.
Not going to get into why your son is living in a foreign country though...

Original poster
expatparent · 29/01/2017 15:44

The comment was addressed to my DH, not to me.

OP posts:
YouWillNotSeeMe · 29/01/2017 15:44

I think the we refers to you and your friend.
She is having s dig at your DH that you are putting up with a lot for him.

But yes, make sure you have joint access to all finances.

Are you sure you want to be in this marriage? Your DH sounds happy to have you in one country and your son in another. Think how would you be if you left him and worked and saw your son?

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 29/01/2017 15:45

So your son is currently in boarding school in another country? Poor lad

I have no idea what the relevance of this statement has to the OPs AIBU question. Confused

OP I wonder if it was a joke gone wrong, trying to make a point that your DH has taken away your independence and your earning capacity?

Also some people give a very strange reaction to friends and family when they leave to work in another country. I wonder if it stems from jealousy, you have the chance of a new adventure and time to yourself. Perhaps that doesn't sit well with her?

ChicRock · 29/01/2017 15:45

I tried to read it like that Hobbes but the OP says that then the bf and DH both laughed, so no I don't think that works.

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2017 15:46

I find that weird, it implies some form of relationship between her and your husband, with you as the troublesome child that they both put up with. Like they've discussed you before.

Is there something between them maybe? It would unsettle me. None of ,y friends would comment like that to my husband.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 29/01/2017 15:50

If she really was making a joke at your expense about such a sensitive topic, then that is awful. However, what is really leaping out at me is that it sounds like you don't want to move. This move is going to isolate you socially, it's going to limit your ability to make money, and it will leave you relying heavily on your husband, who (from what you write) doesn't seem to be taking your feelings about all of this into account at all. That is a huge red flag for me.

ooooopppsss · 29/01/2017 15:52

I think it was a comment aimed at your husband, hence why she said it too him!

He sounds controlling, you are giving up everything and he refused to when the shoe was on the other foot, think about that....

Your friend is probably sticking up for you, but your dick of a husband thought it was funny. Clearly so self centred he he didn't get it!

DotForShort · 29/01/2017 15:55

I also initially read it as Hobbes did. The laughter could have meant anything (nervous laughter, embarrassment on the DH's behalf). However, I wasn't there (obviously) so could be interpreting the whole thing incorrectly.

Are you certain you want to follow this man to another country, give up your job, home, and social circle? When he has already made it clear that he wouldn't do the same for you?

Summerisdone · 29/01/2017 15:56

The sly 'joke' from friend would piss me off a bit, but tbh I'd have more issues with the whole situation you're in due to DH. If it was something you wanted too then fair enough, but it really does sound like it isn't, and it seems like you have quite a bit resentment for the fact you were left with little choice but to turn down promotion previously and now little choice again but to give up everything because DH wants what he wants and hasn't considered what you may want. Don't get me wrong, I completely get your resentment if there is any, but consider the 'joke' may have got to you a bit more because of how you're feeling about the whole situation and really you're directing your anger at the wrong person?

Guitargirl · 29/01/2017 15:57

Your friend's comment was bitchy and it would be enough to make me reevaluate the friendship.

But I think one of the reasons it has upset you so much is that you can see what a financially vulnerable situation this move is going to make you be in. It's lot your husband is asking from you. And he knows it too - he didn't do it for you, did he? I would be thinking very hard about the future.

EweAreHere · 29/01/2017 15:59

I know you've posted because of the 'joke'... but the issue that is screaming out for attention here is why on earth are you giving up your job and moving for someone who hasn't been supportive of you and your career, who clearly prioritizes his own wants while disregarding yours, and laughs at 'jokes' like this at your expense?

You do realize you will have nothing if you move there and this all falls apart ... do you have any indication he will be supportive? Or will you be treated like a child asking for spending money?

diddl · 29/01/2017 16:01

Get rid of them both, they obviously bitch about you behind your back!

Whatssheonaboutnow · 29/01/2017 16:01

OP - it's very odd comment for your friend to make. I can't work out where she could be coming from at all.

Do you and your husband have separate finances or something? Otherwise how would your working or not make any difference to your ability to pay for lunch?

Is she jealous that your giving up work? Maybe she hates her job and wishes she could do the same?

The comment was definitely some kind of put down - which would indicate she is jealous of you about something?

Does she have a thing for your DH?

Could I ask why your son is at school in a different country?

Lorelei76 · 29/01/2017 16:02

I hear it as a dig at him
I'm afraid I have no idea why you'd give all this up for him.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 29/01/2017 16:03

Could you ask her what she meant? Tell her it has been playing on your mind and you wondered what she meant (perhaps in a text message).
I think Hobbes explanation is the only one which makes sense.

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