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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my BF's 'joke'?

80 replies

expatparent · 29/01/2017 15:22

My (I thought/hope) best and oldest friend made a joke about me to my DH, in front of me, and it has cut me to the core and made me start to re-evaluate what she really thinks of me. Perhaps I'm over-reacting, but she knew it was a sensitive topic. Wd welcome thoughts.
My DH's employer has moved him to another country. Consequently I am giving up my job (which paid as much, if not more than his, and was more stable), my home for 15 years, my social circle, to join him in a country where I don't really speak the language, have no friends, and will have trouble finding work. The main gain is that I will be able to visit my DS, in boarding school, more often.
I did choose to do this, but it was presented as - he was going, I could come, or have a long distance commuting relationship. The other factor is that a few years ago I had the chance of promotion if I moved, but withdrew from consideration because my DH refused to move with me.

My BF knows all this, and that I am very anxious, upset, insecure, about the entire process. But she hasn't been keen to talk about it. I had lunch with her, and at the end my DH joined us and things were normal and friendly. She and I always split our bill but this time she moved to pay more than her share. I said something like "don't worry I can still afford to pay for my lunch". She turned to my DH and said (I remember it word for word) "Oh dear, I suppose that is the next thing we are going to have to put up with, xxx [me] not having any money." They both laughed and she immediately left for her office.
I know I should have said something immediately, but I was so shocked that she was out of the cafe before I even realized and then I had to get on a plane. I have been trying for some time to convince myself that it was just a joke in poor taste. But it nags at me that it shows that either my stress/insecurity about the move is unreasonable (am I being selfish, over-emotional,overly negative?) or that, when the going gets tough she is no longer someone who I can be confident will be there for me.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/01/2017 16:06

I'm confused about the son.

Does he currently board in a different country & you will be moving to that country & not working?

If so, was it always the plan to move there?

Is staying where you are at all doable?

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/01/2017 16:11

It wasn't a great joke, and I see why it rankled. But I think you may be projecting your anger at your DH on to your friend.

gleam · 29/01/2017 16:11

I wouldn't go. You're giving up a hell of a lot for him. And he wouldn't for you.

Could there be something going on between him and your friend?

Goingtobeawesome · 29/01/2017 16:11

I think I'd be forgetting what she said and concentrating on why you are expected to make such a huge sacrifice when your dh wouldn't do the same for you and was very controlling about it. Give your self some time to really think this through again. I'm assuming when you wanted to move he wasn't going to have to give up work in a country where he couldn't speak the language.

KatharinaRosalie · 29/01/2017 16:12

I would also understand it as a dig at your DH. It must be very frustrating for her, if she's a true close friend, to see what you are about to sacrifice, when he didn't do the same for you

Clawdy · 29/01/2017 16:17

Like other posters, I'm wondering why your son is at school in another country? Or have we got that bit wrong?

Peekawow · 29/01/2017 16:21

I'm an 'army wife' so I understand the moving, giving up your career/taking a career hiatus and I also understand the boarding school thing.. not that it matters much in this instance.

I think MAYBE your friend doesn't agree that you're sacrificing your independence/money/career and with her knowing that he wouldn't give things up for you, maybe it was a little dig at him?

Not that you truly will be sacrificing your money. You're married and by the sounds of it, have contributed your fair share to the 'pot' over the years so what's his is yours.

If I were you, I'd ask her what she meant by it. Tell her you've been mulling it over and can't get your head around it?

Summerwood1 · 29/01/2017 16:25

The only thing that bothers me,is that your son is in boarding school in another country!🤔

Bahhhhhumbug · 29/01/2017 16:30

How are you going to be closer to her than you are now but just in a different country do you live near a border or something?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 29/01/2017 16:43

I don't understand the moving countries but closer to your ds and closer to your friend (who is obviously close enough to meet for lunch just now) Confused

But as for the lunch comment, your friend was agreeing with you OP . You made the point that you could 'still' afford to pay for your lunch which implies there will be a time when you can't. Her comment was a follow-on to the one you made.

YouHadMeAtCake · 29/01/2017 16:44

I don't like the we. i agree it sounds like maybe they discuss you behind your back. i would drop her like a hot brick and reconsider a marriage to a man that expects you to tow the line on his command and yet will not compromise for you. Sorry Op.

DonaldFlump · 29/01/2017 16:44

Sorry you're feeling so sad and anxious. But reading this, it feels like one of those OPs where there's lots more under the surface than just the AIBU you're asking. Maybe your friend thought that your comment - 'Don't worry, I can still afford to pay for lunch!' - was itself a dig at your husband about losing some financial independence? Maybe she thought you were introducing the subject and didn't quite know how to react? Maybe she's similarly brooding over whether she said the wrong thing - especially if she hasn't liked to talk about it because possibly, like quite a few people here, she thinks your husband is pushing you into a decision that's going to leave you vulnerable and potentially unhappy? You're clearly already very stressed about it.

Hard to say without knowing everyone involved but it seems strange that an old and good friend would say something knowingly hurtful.

Cheeselady123 · 29/01/2017 16:59

Are you sure your not giving up too much ?

Whatssheonaboutnow · 29/01/2017 17:01

Maybe the OP and her husband have been living in an English-speaking country like the US for 15 years, but they're British and put their son in a U.K. boarding school for whatever reason. Now the DH's job is moving to somewhere like France - so it will be easier for the OP to nip over and see her son, but difficult for her to work due to visas and not speaking the language? The friend may be in Britain and the OP was visiting?

Confused
JeNeBaguetteRien · 29/01/2017 17:03

Don't go OP. Try the long term relationship for a while. It's not a compromise, it's you giving up everything for nothing in return.

With the long term relationship say you'll make a visit every 4-6 weeks and 'D' H can visit you in current location. You can take time to get to know the new location and maybe start job hunting there but don't just leave. If your husband is not keen on this it will tell you more about how far he will put himself out for you. If it's an expat type of lifestyle have a think if you're cut out for it.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/01/2017 17:09

Did your husband really decide that he is moving with or without you? Without even discussing it with you?

To me that isn't a marriage. A marriage is a partnership. He isn't acting like your partner.

I would be reluctant to up and move if his commitment to your marriage is in question.

amidawish · 29/01/2017 17:21

Sorry you're feeling so sad and anxious. But reading this, it feels like one of those OPs where there's lots more under the surface than just the AIBU you're asking

amidawish · 29/01/2017 17:21

^^ this from pp is the crux.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 17:32

I wouldn't go personally. See how it pans out. I say this as someone, who was a trailing spouse. Dh and I decided to go together. He hated his first placement and would have returned home had I not got him to stick it out. We are glad he did as he was quickly moved on. But you don't seem to have that kind of relationship right now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 17:33

Sorry i never said what I thought about the comment. I don't know what she meant. It really depends on her mannerisms and voice tone. It could have been a dig at him or you or an off the cuff gauche joke.

MissMrsMsXX · 29/01/2017 18:49

So you send your kid to another country for school

Your DH is taking a job for himself not to be nearer your son

You are worried you'll have no money....

What is going on with your life? Sounds shit

AnyFucker · 29/01/2017 18:54

She sounds like a shit friend and you sound like you are in a shit situation. I have to say I don't understand any of the choices you appear to have made so far

Are you going to come back and elaborate on the confusing geography/ finances shizz or not ?

presidentfart · 29/01/2017 18:55

I think your husbands a bigger problem than your friend.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 29/01/2017 19:09

Are they shagging...?
You've got a shit husband & from your description of events it sounds like a shit friend too. You're giving up your life for him yet pulled out of going for a promotion as he wouldn't move? -That is one extremely unequal marriage, no fucking way would I tolerate that shit.
And yes please come back & answer the questions about geography Hmm

MissMrsMsXX · 29/01/2017 19:12

Surely you've got a long distance relationship with your son... why the husband too.