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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about my BF's 'joke'?

80 replies

expatparent · 29/01/2017 15:22

My (I thought/hope) best and oldest friend made a joke about me to my DH, in front of me, and it has cut me to the core and made me start to re-evaluate what she really thinks of me. Perhaps I'm over-reacting, but she knew it was a sensitive topic. Wd welcome thoughts.
My DH's employer has moved him to another country. Consequently I am giving up my job (which paid as much, if not more than his, and was more stable), my home for 15 years, my social circle, to join him in a country where I don't really speak the language, have no friends, and will have trouble finding work. The main gain is that I will be able to visit my DS, in boarding school, more often.
I did choose to do this, but it was presented as - he was going, I could come, or have a long distance commuting relationship. The other factor is that a few years ago I had the chance of promotion if I moved, but withdrew from consideration because my DH refused to move with me.

My BF knows all this, and that I am very anxious, upset, insecure, about the entire process. But she hasn't been keen to talk about it. I had lunch with her, and at the end my DH joined us and things were normal and friendly. She and I always split our bill but this time she moved to pay more than her share. I said something like "don't worry I can still afford to pay for my lunch". She turned to my DH and said (I remember it word for word) "Oh dear, I suppose that is the next thing we are going to have to put up with, xxx [me] not having any money." They both laughed and she immediately left for her office.
I know I should have said something immediately, but I was so shocked that she was out of the cafe before I even realized and then I had to get on a plane. I have been trying for some time to convince myself that it was just a joke in poor taste. But it nags at me that it shows that either my stress/insecurity about the move is unreasonable (am I being selfish, over-emotional,overly negative?) or that, when the going gets tough she is no longer someone who I can be confident will be there for me.

OP posts:

MissMrsMsXX · 29/01/2017 19:13

Sorry why not the husband too?

user892 · 29/01/2017 19:24

It was a sarcastic dig at your husband's expense because she feels he is being unfair in forcing your hand.

He laughed along because he was too stupid to understand what she meant.

You know your friend best... What does she think of the whole situation?

I think your nagging feelings left over from her comment are misdirected if you are blaming her.

Original poster

expatparent · 30/01/2017 01:46

We have been living in Asia (hence my lack of interaction - time difference). My DS is in boarding school because he had some SEN and schools here are not interested and he faced being dumped in the remedial groups, at best, (whereas he has done really well in the U.K with all issues largely resolved.). My DH has been posted to Northern Europe. The lunch took place in the UK during a visit to see DS. Sorry about the complex geography,

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/01/2017 02:24

Forget the friend.

Why are you following a man who clearly gives precisely zero shits about you and your career?

SpareASquare · 30/01/2017 03:20

I read it totally differently to the others. I think it was a dig at your DH - the next thing we (you and she) have to put up with, after him not supporting your career and demanding that you support his, is the fact that he will now be controlling your money and you won't be financially independent anymore

Exactly as I read it but, I too, was reading it thinking what a prick your DH is and wondering why you let him control you so much.

I wouldn't be so quick to write off your friend because 1) it would probably suit your DH if you did so and 2)you may need her down the track.

NightWanderer · 30/01/2017 03:44

I also read it as she's worried about you and perhaps thinks your husband is controlling. I think she caught your husband on the hop, that's why he laughed. I suspect he didn't find the comment funny either.

Atenco · 30/01/2017 03:58

I don't think it is clear at all. I think your friend's joke didn't work, but your DH understood in some way or just laughed for the sake of it.

Are you certain you should move?

IceGreenTea · 30/01/2017 04:13

Could it be possible maybe she thought you were okay with jokes (if thas was a joke) about that since you joked first?

TENSHI · 30/01/2017 05:20

Please answer the question!

Why on earth are you sacrificing everything when if the boot was on the other foot your dh would not do thst for you??

Are you mad??

Do NOT give up everything!!

You are already very resentful and this does not bode well at all for your relationship!

Sounds like your friend and your dh have a connection you don't share just by the brassneckedness of what was said about you to your face!!

Imagine what they say about you behind your back!

Op this is a massive red flag.

sycamore54321 · 30/01/2017 05:30

As others have said, I think you are being massively unfair on the friend. You were the first to raise the issue of out having money or not, she was responding in kind after you started it. It sounds to me like you could do with friends, so don't lose her over this.

On the other hand, the situation with your husband sounds mightily unbalanced and not in your favour. I'd spend your mental energy reflecting on this and not on a few passing words from your friend.

icelollycraving · 30/01/2017 05:31

Why don't you move back to the uk? You would then see your child more frequently,can speak the language & make a life at home. Your 'd'h can then visit you.

CoraPirbright · 30/01/2017 07:08

he was going, I could come, or have a long distance commuting relationship. The other factor is that a few years ago I had the chance of promotion if I moved, but withdrew from consideration because my DH refused to move with me

Frankly you have far, far bigger problems than worrying what your bf meant by her comment (which btw, I think sounds like a dig at your husband for all that you are giving up for him).

Iris65 · 30/01/2017 07:13

Lorelei76 I hear it as a dig at him
I'm afraid I have no idea why you'd give all this up for him.
I agree!

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 30/01/2017 07:20

Nothing on this earth would see me give up my career, potential, friends and finances for this man. He sounds selfish beyond belief.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/01/2017 07:22

Your anger is totally misdirected. Your friend's comment wasn't great, but it's your husband who wouldn't move for your promotion and who is now dragging you to another country.

My advice would be to move to the UK to be with your son before his childhood is over. Tell your DH to fuck off.

snapcrap · 30/01/2017 07:27

I agree you are giving up far too much for a man who is not prepared to give up anything for you. He's made that 100% explicitly clear.

Re your friend, no matter whether your husband laughed or not that comment was aimed at him not you. She is probably seething on your behalf. Talk to her. She might be your biggest support and ally when you are going through a divorce

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/01/2017 07:28

Today 02:24 PyongyangKipperbang

Forget the friend.

Why are you following a man who clearly gives precisely zero shits about you and your career?

This x 100 OP - have you resigned ? Capild you try a LT relationship for a year ? What will you have there other than the husband ? Re consider !

MissMrsMsXX · 30/01/2017 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhatInTheWorldIsGoingOn · 30/01/2017 07:28

Move to the UK. Take your son out of boarding school and live with him. DH can visit. Sorted

RhiWrites · 30/01/2017 09:01

Oh OP, I am so sorry.

Mumsnet hates boarding schools, try to ignore the nasty comments about that.

BF does sound as though she was having a nasty dig at you.

But your husband sounds like a horrible bully. Why are you giving up your life for his when he refused to do the same for you?

PaddingtonLoverOfMarmalade · 30/01/2017 09:20

Could it be that she was hoping for a friendly chat but felt she spent most of the visit listening to you talk about your current problems? And she was pre-empting your next lunch being her listening to your next lot of problems e.g. lack of independence, own funds, etc? I'm not saying this was a kind thing if it is what she was doing, but maybe she's frustrated at how you're changing and she prefers your more independent side.

PaddingtonLoverOfMarmalade · 30/01/2017 09:24

When dp and I got together, plan was for us both to sell our houses and start somewhere fresh. Somehow it didn't happen, I made all the sacrifices/compromises, he made none, and 15 years later our relationship is still suffering because of this.

Whatssheonaboutnow · 30/01/2017 09:26

OP - How old is your son and how long has he been in school on a different continent?

I take on board your reasoning around the decisions you have taken re- his SEN and your husband and your own career ambitions, but could I suggest that at this point in your life, your priorities seem a bit skewed.

The fact is you now have an opportunity to move back to the UK, so why would you not take it? Your husband can easily commute home at the weekends from somewhere like Norway. He is the adult. Surely this is a far sight better than having your son commute halfway round the world for school holidays. What would be the point of trailing after your DH to Sweden or Denmark or wherever? You don't speak the language and getting a job would be tricky. What would you be doing all day? How would your son feel that you were finally closer, but still with borders between you?

Move to the UK and make a home for your son. Maybe he could flexi board and come home for weekends? But even if this is not possible, the psychological impact for him of having his parents based in the same country will be huge.

With this in mind, why give a hoot about what your friend's agenda is?

Fwiw, my DH and his brother were both put in UK boarding schools at the age of 7, due to a father who worked overseas and a mother who trailed around after him. Yes they "understood" on one level - everything was "fine", "enjoying the sports", etc. But their relationships with both parents were stifled and became very perfunctory as a result.

Even if your son is a teen, it's never to late. Let your husband get on with it and your friend can think what she likes. You will be able to work in the UK. Make a base here for yourself and your son.

MissMrsMsXX · 30/01/2017 09:52

Are you British?

KatharinaRosalie · 30/01/2017 14:35

So your job pays more and is more stable.
Some time ago, you were offered a promotion, so even better terms I would presume. He refused to move. So you didn't go.
He is now declaring that he will move, whether you follow him or not, he doesn't care, his interests come first.
You are giving up your career and will be totally dependent on him in a foreign country.

Sounds to me that your friend does not approve and was trying to point out that you won't even have your own income soon.

WHy are you going, if he's not bothered?

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