To worry about having a baby as an older mum?

[sealswithwhiskers]

I am 36 today.

Realistically if I ever have a baby I'll be at least 37.

My mum had me at 35. I've never thought of any age to be "too old" to have a child, as it's none of my business but for me I'm wondering.

My mum used to tell me about her childhood in the 50s and her adolescence in the 60s and it just all felt completely remote, like another era. She struggled to understand or identify with any of my concerns or worries - everything was dismissed as I was lucky to have what she didn't. She was so old fashioned. Although I was born in 1981 I had a childhood more akin to a child born in 1971. School photos show me with my hair in plaits wearing a fussy dress. Sixties music played in the car.

I don't know what I'm saying here but I suppose I'm worried that my experiences of a little girl in the 80s and a 90s teenager and young adult in the 00s might seem as remote to my child as my mum was to me. I didn't have a great relationship with her though so it's probably more that. Can anyone put my mind at rest?

Happy birthday seals. hope the weather isn't too grim where you are and that you have something planned for a lovely day.

I had my first baby last year at 39! I don't feel I am an older Mum.

My Mum was 30 when she had me ( I'm an only child) and I have always been really close to Mum she is my best friend. Mum has never struggled to understand any struggles I may have In the modern world she understands times change

I hope this doesn't upset you but I think your mum's age might be a red herring. It sounds as though you (understandably) had quite a difficult and complicated relationship with your mum as a result of factors that are not connected to her age.

Perhaps it would be worth seeking some support to work through those things and then see how you feel about it? Best of luck.

OK. I am exactly 10 years older than you. I have a 9 year old (born just before my 37th birthday, you still have time!), a 7 year old and a 4 year old. I don't stand out as an older Mum at all, most people I mix with have children in their 30s.

FWIW my Mum is the same age as yours and from what you've said in your posts I think her behaviour was more to do with her ill health and particularly her drinking than when she was born. For example my Mum was always very open about periods and sex, her mother had told her nothing and that had made her very positive she was going to do things differently. Mum was (and still is) very interested in clothes and my younger sister (who is the same age as you) was and is very close to her. Even as a grandmother she is very modern and in touch with the kids (she lives next door to my brother and sees his kids every day). I think some people are generally younger of heart than others (my MIL is nearly 80 and is amazing whereas FIL is stuck in the 50s).

You are not your mother, the world has moved on and although she would have been an old mother for her generation you will not be. You don't have her health/drinking problems you will be a different parent. There's no perfect age to have kids and we all make mistakes. If you want children then go for it, if you don't then enjoy your childfree life.

I had DC at 36. You are as young as you feel, so in my head I am still only 18. I only realise I am not 18 when I see 18 yo's .

I have brought DC up on my own since she was 4 and XH left. She is now 9 and we are really close now. We sing along to Little Mix in the car and play Wii games together and do stuff on the ipad together.

My mum was born in 45 (my Dad in 1935!) and I can relate to a lot of what you say.

I grew up in the 80s in a household that was undeniably "post war".

However I do think that you losing your Mum early contributes to your worries. My parents changed as I got older. I brought the world to them. We got the Internet very early on with a dial up modem and I told them everything I learnt.

I watched endless Top of the Pops and I remember my ancient Dad singing a Wet Wet Wet song to himself in the shed!

They never became "young" through me, but they were interested and in my world. Or maybe it was that I never shut up!

Anyway, they became great friends of mine as I grew into an adult, despite their ages. So it evolved a lot.

Of course the difficult thing about older parents is that you lose them early - I'm in my early 40s and both are gone.

But that didn't put me off being an older parent myself! I had my first in my late 30s and my second after 40. Older than my M was!

And I know already I'm going to be an old fart about some things. Phones, WiFi, X Boxes etc. But I hope I will be close to my kids regardless of my age, and a good pal to them when they are adults like mine were to me.

Your childhood sounds like a typical 80s childhood to me. The early 80s were still very 70s really. All children think their parents are ancient, and react against their taste in music etc. It's called the generation gap for a reason. We grew up without the internet; the gap between us and our kids' childhood experiences is much bigger than between us and our parents I think because of this (I was born in 79). But that's not a reason to worry we're too old to have kids.

I really think this has more to do with the OP's strained relationship with her mother than anything else. When you have a child you're their parent, not their best buddy. My 11 year old would be mortified if I liked the same music as her, shopped in hte same places and watched the same things on telly. Not because I was 35 when I had her, because I'm her mum and therefore deeply uncool whatever I do.

Mummymeister, I just wanted to say, that I think your posts are very relevant, and well written. 💐

My mum had me at 18.

As a child/teenager, I still considered her as old as hills, from a dark era so far back in history she could never understand my modern concerns.

More mothers nowadays have their first child in their 30s, so I wouldn't consider 37 to be 'old' either.

I think it's pretty irrelevant. My DM was 18 when she had me in 1982.

I still saw her childhood in the 60s and 70s as being a million years before, she said exactly the same things your mum did and had about as much understanding. She still dressed me in fussy nautical themed outfits and had no clue about being a teenager in the 90s.

And equally my DM didn't talk to me about sex or periods either.

TBH my DM has actually got more and more 'modern' as she's got older.

I was your 32 when I had my first and 37 when I had my second. They keep you young and on trend. I have a brilliant relationship with both of them. Just keep an open mind be prepared to learn new things. And don't worry!

Age doesn't come into it. It's your attitude. I was a youngish mum to two stepsons and am an older mum (was 37 and 39 with my younger two) and I have always been stuck in a 1970's/80's time warp. Generally hate modern pop music and prefer UK Gold telly. I am luckily fairly young looking and dress reasonably fashionably. I don't have a lot of shared interests with my 10 year old but I show interest in and respect the music, films, books, TV shows and clothes she enjoys.

My mother was born in 1920!

All you have to do, OP, is not do the things your mother did that made you unhappy. There is no rule that says you have to dress your child in old fashioned clothes and not listen to their music when you reach 36.............

I'm 39 and I have a 2 year old. The concerns you're raising didn't occur to me at all. Don't let it worry you.

I think life is very different now to what it was. I also think as an older mum/parents you make an effort to ensure that your children have access to what they need. The awareness is key which you have. I had my first at 36 and my second at 41 (I'm now 44). My children have and experience the same as their peers with younger parents.

My armchair pop psychology suggestion is that your relationship with your mum is stuck at that awkward teenage rebellion phase because she died before you could resolve it and develop it as adults. It took many many years post teen for me to 'forgive' and understand or relate to my mother.

I had my first at 40 and am trying for my third at 44. Who knows what the crunchy crisis points will be for my gang but I do know we'd have some regardless of my age. That's how the whole thing works.

thanks sugarpie. sometimes people write posts about one thing and get answers to that when its really something else (usually more painful or difficult to articulate) that they should be writing iyswim.

I feel for the OP as realise its her birthday and can see that today of all days she is thinking of her mum especially due to her age.

I hope that the OP has disappeared because she is having a birthday treat.

OP, I think the fact you're even thinking about this means you'd be a great mum. You clearly haven't got a "my way or the highway" mentality and you understand the problems children can have with their parents. Don't worry about it; if you have a child you'll be fine.

My Mum had me at 32 and DSis at 36. She grew up in the 30s and 40s,we grew up in the 70s,it was a completely different time.But it didn't stop her relating to our concerns and lives,or stop us having a great relationship.
I has DD at 35 and DS at 40.I do go on a bit now about how it was different when I was a gel,but we still get on just fine,I'm currently sitting with DS having watched a programme we both enjoy,we are now both faffing on our iPads,and he has his smelly feet up on me!
So it's all good,don't worry about it.Age is what you make of it

Happy Birthday!

My dear old absolutely ancient Dad used to buy me my enormous Dr Whites fanny pads in the weekly shop.

If he could handle periods then age really doesn't come into it! Some people are weird about periods, some people aren't.

I had my first at just turned 36 and second at 37. My mum was born in 1943 and I lost her early too (I was 30).

TBH none of the stuff you mention ever crossed my mind as a potential issue. I think it's the norm now to have kids in your thirties. I would say though that the one thing to watch out for is the biological clock. 37 probably isn't too late, but what I discovered is that everyone has a different biological clock and the later you leave it, the more risky it becomes in terms of how easy, difficult, or possible it is. I was nearly caught out by this as I wrongly assumed I had years and years left to get pregnant.

I had dd at 37 and ds at 40.

It's only an issue if you allow it to be!!! Kids keep you young!!!