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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about having a baby as an older mum?

109 replies

sealswithwhiskers · 29/01/2017 11:02

I am 36 today.

Realistically if I ever have a baby I'll be at least 37.

My mum had me at 35. I've never thought of any age to be "too old" to have a child, as it's none of my business but for me I'm wondering.

My mum used to tell me about her childhood in the 50s and her adolescence in the 60s and it just all felt completely remote, like another era. She struggled to understand or identify with any of my concerns or worries - everything was dismissed as I was lucky to have what she didn't. She was so old fashioned. Although I was born in 1981 I had a childhood more akin to a child born in 1971. School photos show me with my hair in plaits wearing a fussy dress. Sixties music played in the car.

I don't know what I'm saying here but I suppose I'm worried that my experiences of a little girl in the 80s and a 90s teenager and young adult in the 00s might seem as remote to my child as my mum was to me. I didn't have a great relationship with her though so it's probably more that. Can anyone put my mind at rest?

OP posts:
stubbornstains · 29/01/2017 12:15

Mrs DV you're back! Grin

Blondeshavemorefun Just....congratulations. Your story made me well up a teeny bit.

That's a very good and reassuring point - thanks! My mother cut all her hair off when she was about 42 and had it coloured this awful mouse colour! It was SO ageing!

Ha ha! I'm 42 and just cut myself a fringe, on the advice of my mate's super cool daughter. Have been working somewhere full of gorgeous young 20-somethings this past couple of weeks, and have noticed they all have the same hairsyle. Officially down. with. the. kids Grin.

(XP is 47 and has a beard and a man bun ATM. Yes, he looks ridiculous, but so do the 20-somethings rocking that look, IMHO).

Basicbrown · 29/01/2017 12:15

Mummymeister did you miss where the OP said her mum died while she was still at school?

OP have you ever had any bereavement counselling? It just seems to me that a lot of this is about your perspective on this is understandably stuck in your teens. If she was still alive your relationship may well be different now and you probably would see her as someone lovely but with flaws, as we all have. I think it really, really complicates things.

mummymeister · 29/01/2017 12:16

Confused why? you asked for an opinion, based on the information that you gave and I gave it.

there is no reason on earth why you shouldn't be a "good" mother whatever that is or whatever your definition of that is.

your posts about your relationship with your mum really and not about having children of your own. have them. or not. its up to you.

Original poster
sealswithwhiskers · 29/01/2017 12:18

It's very tricky as a lot of her behaviour was pretty awful - BUT she must have been riddled with cancer for some of that period. She was also dependent on alcohol. It's a shame I don't have nice memories with her especially as I do think she tried!

OP posts:
mummymeister · 29/01/2017 12:20

I am sorry your mum died when you were a teen Op really I am.

this doesn't give you the opportunity to ask the questions.

but we can either let the past define us and be a victim to it or we can just look at where we are and move on from that.

Original poster
sealswithwhiskers · 29/01/2017 12:20

One thread on here doesn't equate to 'victim.'

OP posts:
Basicbrown · 29/01/2017 12:21

So it's a lot bigger than 60s music and plaits isn't it? Sad. I guess if she had cancer and a drink problem then Bros and fashionable clothes weren't exactly a priority. But it wasn't to do with her age then either was it?

Original poster
sealswithwhiskers · 29/01/2017 12:22

My memories aren't great. All I know is I never understood her, or her me and I still don't.

OP posts:
Buddahbelly · 29/01/2017 12:24

My mum had me when she was 22. We were still poles apart even though there was only 20 years between us.

Your parents are going to embarrass you whatever decade they were born in. once you make your peace with that you'll look back in around 10 years and wonder what you were thinking. Round here you wouldnt even get a second glance at being pregnant at 37. they judge more the ones who are early 20's.

Astro55 · 29/01/2017 12:24

There's a little girl in DD class - her mother is younger than me - yet she wears those types of dresses - little dungaree type button ones as well as very frilly ones - or those horrid satin ones! And they all listen to old music -

It's the person not the age

mummymeister · 29/01/2017 12:25

I am talking about being a victim of our past seals. I said in my original post that I did not have a happy childhood at all. whether it was worse than yours I have no idea. but I struggle to think of happy memories of it as do my siblings.

do either I or my siblings parent like we were parented? no we don't. because we saw how the experience affected us and resolved not to parent in this way. will you be the same? I have no idea really but because you can see the effect it has had maybe you will.

you aren't your mum. you are you and no doubt you have your own problems but you aren't her.

PacificDogwod · 29/01/2017 12:25

seals, the more you write about your mother, the more it sounds like she had many and varied issues and no doubt your childhood was not as it could have been - so sorry Thanks

Do consider accessing some professional help about your memories and feelings about your relationship to your mother before you have DCs yourself.

I think everybody, whether they consider their childhood a happy one or not, are affected by their upbringing and it influences how they raise their own children.
There are things my parents did that I am conscious of trying to avoid, but I am aware that I am making my very own parenting mistakes too! Grin
I hope that with hindsight my DCs will look back on a happy childhood (as I do) and forgive the less-than-perfect moments

Middleoftheroad · 29/01/2017 12:26

I agree that it's down to you.
My mother (now 70 - i'm 43) is the funkiest nan out there to my boys. She watches all tge kids shows like XFactor Let it Shine etc has an S7 and smart watch goes out partying every weekend and wears on trend clothes yet in a classy way. she's heaps of fun. She was born in 46 my boys 50 yrs on.

Age is just a number

Basicbrown · 29/01/2017 12:27

And you never will. Somehow you need to find a way of accepting that, although it isn't easy. Which is why I wonder about bereavement counselling. I think in a lot of ways it is hard losing someone who you had a difficult relationship with. In the 20 years you have grown into an adult, but that relationship is still the same. It's now coming out as you start thinking about starting your own family.

seabreezewavingtrees · 29/01/2017 12:27

From what you've described it does sound as though this was more of just your dm's ways, rather than being an indication that you're too old to be 'in touch' and up to date when your dc is a youth. The fact that you're thinking about it suggests that you'll probably be bang on trend because you're so aware of it. Some might say it's not important to be down with the kids as a parent, but that's a personal choice for every parent to make.
I too know grandparents in their late 30s/early 40s and it's easy to find yourself surrounded by lots of new mothers under 20. But equally, it's easy to find yourself surrounded by lots of new mothers in their 30s and 40s.
I'm one of the younger ones in my ds' playground having had him in my 20s, the other mums had theirs in their 30s. But then my dniece was in her teens and has dc the same age as I do so I'm not one of the young ones when I'm with her and her mates! I'm not sure it's made much difference to any of our dc. If I lined up all the dc that I know I don't think anyone could guess the age of their dms. I don't think it's worth over thinking age.

Original poster
sealswithwhiskers · 29/01/2017 12:29

Very true basic :)

Mummy, if I could just shrug and smile brightly and move on from my youth, I would. I really would.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 12:33

Lots of parents in the playground are my age. I'm 45. Dd is yr4 so 8 coming up 9. My mother was 30 when she had me. Didn't discuss periods until I had one and she bought me a belt and gave me brick shaped sanitary towels, which I had to give to her to burn on the fire even in front of my father Shock. Didn't discuss anything with me actually. She was dismissive, doesn't believe in emotions.

I have a wonderful relationship with my dd and she wears the clothes she wants etc (including the dreaded Jojo boss). I'm chronically ill and needed a break and a rest in bed yesterday so I asked dd to go and play by herself. She said she didn't want to because she likes me and wants to be with me, which is a lovely thing to say. And she doesn't think I'm really really old. Until she was 6 I told her I was 21 Wink but decided then it was time to come clean. She was flabbergasted when she discovered certain mums were a lot younger than me. Definitely a state of mind.

mummymeister · 29/01/2017 12:34

If you cant move on seals then get help to move on. there are some brilliant counselling services out there with talking therapies and all sorts of other help. access these and deal with the issues that you know need dealing with.

lots of people need help to move on - more than you would imagine actually. and from the minute that you take that first step and get help things will start to improve.

your Original post is all about age being a barrier to having children when in truth this is not what your issue is about is it?

your mum wasn't remote because of her age was she. she was remote because of the alcohol. had you said that in your post you would be getting some very different answers.

no one can put your mind at rest other than you. and you need some help to do it because, lets face it, we all need help with the big issues and this is clearly still a big issue in your life.

I hope you go out on Monday and get the help you need.

whippetwoman · 29/01/2017 12:34

I am 45 today! My youngest is in reception so I am probably one of the older mothers at the school. I just don't care. My older two are 15 and 12 and I just let them play me their music, show me the vloggers they like, and tell me about all their 'bants' etc. We all get on fine.

80sMum · 29/01/2017 12:36

I think all children view anyone over 18 as being 'old.'

DS and DD were born when I was 22 and 25. They both considered me to be an ancient old crone!

It is only very recently (they are both mid 30s with children of their own) that they have had a sudden enlightenment and realised how young I was when they were growing up!

DrasticAction · 29/01/2017 12:36

i know a few older mums as in 40 and over - to 45 when had first or more and they have far more energy and fitter than me, but you would think me an old mum too op I was about 31 Confused.
The bottom line is - until we get into the realms of first dc at 50 and over - age doesn't come into it - your dm couldn't identify with you down to her personality nothing to do with age.

DrasticAction · 29/01/2017 12:39

apologies op, I didn't read the thread - I can see so much more is going on here...I agree some sort of therapy would be very helpful. Flowers

BadToTheBone · 29/01/2017 12:40

I was 34 and 38 when I had my dc. I was often the only parent at the top of the climbing frame and I'm the only one of dd's friends who's mum talks to him about the gangsta rap music he loves. It's not the age of the mum, it's the personality and the willingness to be open to the culture of the time. My mum was 18 and 23 when she had her babies, I can assure you, both sister and I think she's ancient! Lol

stopgap · 29/01/2017 12:41

Times have definitely changed. I had my two boys at 34 and 36, and at school, activities etc. I am definitely in the middle in terms of maternal age.

Coastalcommand · 29/01/2017 12:42

I had my first at 37. Looking forward yo embarrassing her at every opportunity :)

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