To worry about having a baby as an older mum?

[sealswithwhiskers]

I am 36 today.

Realistically if I ever have a baby I'll be at least 37.

My mum had me at 35. I've never thought of any age to be "too old" to have a child, as it's none of my business but for me I'm wondering.

My mum used to tell me about her childhood in the 50s and her adolescence in the 60s and it just all felt completely remote, like another era. She struggled to understand or identify with any of my concerns or worries - everything was dismissed as I was lucky to have what she didn't. She was so old fashioned. Although I was born in 1981 I had a childhood more akin to a child born in 1971. School photos show me with my hair in plaits wearing a fussy dress. Sixties music played in the car.

I don't know what I'm saying here but I suppose I'm worried that my experiences of a little girl in the 80s and a 90s teenager and young adult in the 00s might seem as remote to my child as my mum was to me. I didn't have a great relationship with her though so it's probably more that. Can anyone put my mind at rest?

But you do live in this era now, so it is your world, too. Many people have really close ties to their grandparents or great-grandparents and they are even further removed. Parents are always of a different generation, I don't think it matters much which one.

I am 34 (born in 1982), my mum is 70 (born 1946) and I have a younger sister who is 31 (born 1985). I can't say I ever noticed my mum's age as we were growing up. I was dressed like everyone else, my mum knew as much as anyone else's parents about popular culture. She took me to concerts and has always been really glamorous! We always had (and still have) a really close relationship. I think if I'm honest I think it's quite often down to the person. You can be old fashioned at 20 and "with it" at 80! It sounds like you'd be aware of the potential age gap and work hard to keep current. I really wouldn't worry about it. Our first dc is 7 months, I don't plan on him being our last!

My mother was born the year before your mother and had me at 31. She wasn't anything like your mother in terms of attitude. I had an 80s appropriate childhood and 90s teenage years. Yes, she loved the Beatles, but she never complained while driving me to school or friend's houses to a soundtrack of chart music, Nirvana and then Brit Pop.

Age is a number. Being old is an attitude. My ILs had their DC at a younger age but are straight out of the 1950s in manner and bearing, have never owned a piece of denim clothing, don't regard anything written after the 1880s as music, never allowed a single poster to go on the walls of their children's rooms (their teenage rooms looked like guest rooms in a B&B) never had a duvet in the house, consider t shirts to be sportswear ... They're 4 years older than my Mum.

Funny, I had a similar conversation with friend yesterday. We were both born to 'older' mothers (38 & 41) and both had positively ancient upbringings! This conversation revolved around starting periods - we both started in early 1980's, and apparently both our mum's announced it was time to buy our very own sanitary belts - oh the excitment.
So I sort of share your concerns about older mothers. And then I went and had dtds when I was 37. I'm very conscious of not imposing my 'ancient' views on them, while still attempting to stay in charge. In some respects I'm probably stricter about some things than their friends parents - huge allergy to social media, crop-tops & Justin beiber - but in other respects I'm not and feel better placed to 'pick my battles'.
I think it really is all about attitude & making a conscious effort to view things from two sides. When I was growing up it was very adult-led and that's it, we are definitely more child-centred now, and ready to listen to them more.
Last year, on holiday at the sea-side we were scrabbling over some rocks and I "got stuck" I pointed out to my two that at the same age (and same place!!) my mum would come down to that beach with her deck chair, plant herself down & the most she would do after that was produce warm squash & sandy sandwiches, and for them to now to pull me the heck out of there!!
Got a bit waffly there, but think if you are aware of any potential issues, you are more likely to address them. Oh and have also told dh we will be going into some nursing home or other & will not be relying on dc to look after us in old age!

All children consider their parents to be ancient - that's slightly the point isn't it? They are the new generation and so you by default are the older generation - at least being at the older end of the parent spectrum it seems more reasonable.

Oh gosh, yes, sex and periods.

Mine told me NOTHING!

In fact I would go farther and say parents who likes to think of themselves as the same generation as their offspring are even more embarrassing.

I am post 40 with two young kids but am fit and healthy, do loads of sports with them, and involved in their life's and learn from them. We grow together. I dont force my DC into clothes from the 70s. Nor do I go out partying till 4 in the morning like I did in my 20/30s. Life moved on and you just have to move with it

I had my first two at 25 and 27. I was born in 67.
My DS1 is now 23. I can't really relate to the things he is into. I am interested and we can talk about them but I won't pretend to 'get it'. Are you saying that 27 is too old to have a baby?

As a parent you are not supposed to be down with your kidz. That is not your job. Your job is to raise them and keep them safe and guide them.
Its not to be able to discuss the latest boy band that they will have gone off in a couple of weeks.

As an older mum (had two in my 40s) I have watched internet debates with interest. Very young women declaring they are glad they had their children in their teens because that would mean they would have 'loads in common' with their kids.
Nonsense. When you are 12 your mum being 19 years older than you is the same as them being 25-50 years older than you. Your mum is old. Period.

I don't feel anymore or less confused by my teenagers now than I did 10 years ago.

I had ds2 a month before I was 37. I don't see this as an issue. People can be old before their time or so achingly with it they're an embarrassment to their children.

Why would you think you would become your mum rather than learn from her mistakes?

seals nor did mine but she was in her 30s when she should have been doing that.
That isn't age, that is choice.

I had DS at 35 and am having DD in April at 37. DH is 37 and we might consider another one yet! Not too old at all. Only as old as you feel and behave. I would have had no desire to have parents who were wearing teenage outfits, trying to look and behave like my friends and be 'down with the kids'.

This has nothing to do with age. it has everything to do with you not wanting to parent like your mother did. and if you don't want to do this, then just don't.

my mum was young when she had me and I did not have a happy childhood at all. I have lots of children and didn't start until my late 30's. all the things my mum didn't do I have done and am still doing because I am determined mine will have the polar opposite upbringing that I had.

I parent my kids. I am not their best friend so I don't need to know what dabbing is or how to do it or who is number 1 or who is playing at Reading this year. because I am not their best friend I have my own taste in music and tv programmes and books. sometimes its the same as them and sometimes it isn't. as for clothes, mine have chosen theirs since they were very young and manys the time we have left the house with one dressed as a mermaid and one in suit and tie but I don't stress this because its not important.

if you want kids then don't let age or the fear of being your mother stop you.

Happy birthday, seals.

I was born in 1982. Like yours, my mum was born in 1945. I didn't experience any of the difficulties that you describe, and in the kindest possible way I think they may have been down to your mum as an individua, rather than her age.

There is no arguing with biology, but in terms of how people relate to their children IMO age is less of a factor than personalities. And I gather this thread is not about medical risks of older motherhood.

My DM is 8 years younger than my DF, she had me before her 25th birthday, but personality wise I 'gel' better with my dad who is now 83 and always have done.

Fwiw, I had my first DS aged 37 and my last just before my 44th birthday, I am now almost 51, DS4 is coming up for 7. I am not the oldest mum at the school gate, I am in rude health and am 'with it' enough to know that I Must Not Cramp My DSs' Style - age has v little to do with it.

I had my first DS at 21. He's a teen now and I'm unbelievably out of touch and embarrassing for him I was fairly in touch with music and culture throughout my twenties... he still choses the music he loves and ridiculous clothes he loves. As far as I can tell not a stitch of my being 'down with the kids' has had any influence and that's exactly as it should be.

In contrast my mother had me at just over 40, she was born in the 1930s and lived through the war. As you can imagine our childhoods could not have been any more different, I was born in 1980. I was also given the freedom to explore my own tastes and developed my own understanding of style and culture that way, largely because of my friends I suppose.

I'm 36 now and have 2 young children and will do the same for them. They can explore what they like and I will make all the right noises when they share them with me, even if inside I'm thinking "noooooo, that's hideous!".

It's not down to age, it's definitely all down to attitude.

Seals, you are really over thinking this, you are you, and you'll be a fabulous mummy. 😄

Oh, please don't anybody feel I am saying they, personally, shouldn't have had a child! I would never say that

I don't mean I want to be 'down with the kids' at all, especially since I never was down with the kids even when I WAS a kid! But I suppose it's about having understanding for and above all compassion for their world, and also not feeling like my own mother is as vague and strange to me as a sixties magazine.

I had my DD at 36, was 37 a couple of months later, I'm not the oldest mum in the school ground by a good 7 years or so.
Several of my friends have gone on to have their last child at 39/40 so it's fairly run of the mill these days. I wouldn't even give it a second thought.

I had my first at 37 now 32 weeks with number 2 at 41. Was also born to older parents - born in 1975 they were 1939.
The issue I had - looking back now, I think is the way things like periods, sex Ed etc etc were not discussed and openness wasn't encouraged. Purely a generation issue.
I was a very naive teen in that respect. Of course times have changed and I personally think I make a much better parent now than I would have done earlier in life.
I'm adamant that my children will not be as naive as I was and that they are equipped to deal with the world as best as I can.
I also want them to be able to come to me with any issue without feeling fear or shame .
I also don't feel my age - I have friends my age and younger who have a very "old" outlook and again it's the way you view life and nothing to do with the date you were born.
I honestly feel I have more to offer as a parent now, after the life experiences I have gone through and also am a lot more relaxed about life in general than say 10-15 years ago.

as I said seals - this is about your relationship with your mother. not how you will relate to and with your child.

she is who she is. she parented the way she did because she did. get over it and move on.

compassion isn't age related. its hard to have compassion for a teens world when there is cyber bullying and adverts in their face book feed for anti rape knickers. your job is to equip your child with the tools that they need to survive in their world. you don't have to understand it, they do. you don't have to deal with it, they do.

stop harking back to your relationship with your own mum and using it as an excuse for not moving on yourself.

I know a lady just had a baby at 46, they're both great

Your post is quite hurtfulmummy

When push comes to shove - you don't have much choice really!

My mum was 19 - and as old as the hills!!