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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to trip

122 replies

Shezza71 · 28/01/2017 11:47

Honest opinions on me being too strict.
My dd16(July birthday so youngest in her year) wants to go on a trip to Bangor in Wales with 2 other friends.
We live just outside London so involves train to Victoria to get a coach, then a 9 hour journey to Bangor, where they will get a taxi to a hotel.
The trip is to visit a friend of one of the other girls friends, surprise to girl but her mum knows they are coming.
They are planning to stay 4 days.
I said I'd think about it, then said no. Dd is persistenly trying to convince me she's old enough, responsible enough etc. And that I'm too strict, never let her do anything. Everyone else is allowed to do stuff. Usual stuff I think teenagers say when they've been told no.
So honest opinions please.

OP posts:
FranEliza · 28/01/2017 13:11

When you say you're concerned about the part of the journey she will be doing on her own, is that part when she gets back into London? because if it is then i wouldn't be too concerned unless their Coach is coming back late.
If she is going to be standing around on the side of the road late at night, then I'd be inclined to pick her up or meet her there.

I personally had my driving License 5 months after my 17th birthday and would drive my friends and I all over, going to different places and visiting pals at Uni (until my next friend passed her test and it was her turn)

Stopyourhavering · 28/01/2017 13:14

yabu ,I live just outside Bangor...v safe 'city' ( its tiny!)....
It would be much quicker and easier coming by train though....direct trains from Euston to Bangor with Virgin and if she has student railcard you can get open return for £61.85 if coming for summer
My dd aged 16 went to Salou with friend , flying from Liverpool Confused
I went to visit German pen pal when I was 16 and travelled on my own from Edinburgh to Frankfurt!....
I think she'll be ok and have a great time!

BlondieFod · 28/01/2017 13:19

I went to Chicago on my own at 16 (I turned 16 in September and got on that plane exactly 2 months later). In hindsight, my parents were bloody BONKERS for allowing it... but I suppose I was a very mature 16 year old and I telephoned every day and also emailed etc. Them giving me some freedom really helped shape me into the strong, independent person that I am today.

At 16, the law permits you to get married, have sex etc so I would allow a trip to Bangor. Maybe give her the reins and see how she copes? Make sure she keeps in touch/tells you her plans so you know what she's up to and not worrying too much.

scottishdiem · 28/01/2017 13:20

Regardless of the dripfeed I still think you are going to need to cut the apron strings. At that age, pre mobiles, my sibling and I were able to go to youth conferences of political parties (think 16-25) and a touching of interrailling. I'd ask for a complete itinerary and details of where she is staying and them wave her off.

christmaswreaths · 28/01/2017 13:23

At that age I came to the UK from abroad on my own for interviews at UK universities; organised my own hotels, travel and went there and stayed for a week travelling in between sites having never been to those Uk places before. I also went on overseas holidays with my friends, not package holidays, proper inter-railing/camping type holidays.

In your shoes the only think I would worry about is that the adult really is aware of the girls descending upon them and I would feel the need to give them a quick call to check that.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 28/01/2017 13:25

With the drip feed YANBU at all.

I would let DD travel at that age with friends she knew well, and that I knew well, and on a straightforward journey where there was no chance of her being left on her own late at night or stuck on her own in the middle of nowhere.

This is not that.

The chances are she'll have a horrible time if it turns out she doesn't get on with one or two of the other girls. It's rough spending more than three days with friends you know well, let alone relative strangers.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 28/01/2017 13:26

I Spent a wild week in Magaluf with friends at that age.

I don't think that is going to encourage the OP to wave her DD off with a happy smile. Grin.

bloodyteenagers · 28/01/2017 13:27

Question to those saying they travelled a lot with friends at that age.

Where they friends who you had known for several months at least?
Or friends who you had met once?

Because there's a huge difference.

LightastheBreeze · 28/01/2017 13:31

At least its not like when I was young in the 70s where iirc we used to hitchhike to get to places at that age Grin

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 28/01/2017 13:32

Drip feed taken into account, YANBU. She doesn't know these people and hasn't even met the one they are visiting.

I don't think she's too young for a trip altogether though, as long as it was with some actual friends who she knows well. I was at festivals and going on holidays abroad with my mates at that age. It's just growing up and experiencing life. They're some of my best memories. Does she have some proper friends she could organise a trip with instead? Would that be a suitable compromise? Or maybe these internet/Snapchat friends could come and spend some time in your home first so that you can be reassured that DD knows them better before they go away.

Reality16 · 28/01/2017 13:36

Put a tracker on the phone, give her a pre paid debit card (or a go henry card which tells you where, what time and which shop they have used within a few minutes of the transaction). Christ at 16/17 surely they have their own debit card

scottishdiem · 28/01/2017 13:44

Where they friends who you had known for several months at least?

No. To places where I knew noone but lots of people with roughly the same outlook on life and with the interrailling often with people I'd met in a hostel a couple of days before.

Original poster
Shezza71 · 28/01/2017 13:45

Ok. So after in depth conversation and looking at details of their planned trip
9.5 hours by coach(they don't want to pay the extra for train, which I looked into for them)
Had planned on a room at travelodge but on phoning them they have to be over 18
They can book premier inn but would need 2 rooms which they can't afford and trying to convince me that they can book 1 room and sneak 3rd person in for 4 nights.
For those saying they are with friend and supervised. They are not staying in friends house and will be totally unsupervised.

OP posts:
LightastheBreeze · 28/01/2017 13:53

I would make sure the 2 rooms are booked, if they cant afford it, then they shouldn't be going, and do you have to authorise it as they are under 18, so are you responsible for the booking. This is the main problem with them being under 18 and who is responsible if any damage occurred, a bit like being a guarantor. Obviously if they can sign for themselves it's all OK but check, maybe one of the other parents is signing. I know DS ran into this problem when he wanted to go away aged under 18.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 28/01/2017 13:58

Are the other two old friends with each other? I know they are recent online friends to dd but to each other?
I'd be inclined to say yes with a real life friend but I'd be a no this combination

Keeptrudging · 28/01/2017 14:08

Never mind the age thing (my son was working away from home at that age), maybe the online friend won't like being 'surprised'! I'm friends with some people online who I've never met in person. I would be horrified/freaked out if they turned up and surprised me. It sounds like they want to spread their wings a bit, but this sounds half-arsed/doomed. Meh, as a teenager they need a few (fairly safe) disasters. I'd give them the extra funds needed for the extra room and make it a one-night visit, short and sweet but fairly safe.

Original poster
Shezza71 · 28/01/2017 14:21

The 2 she is travelling with she know very well
The girl they are visiting is online friend of just one of the girls
Travelodge they have to have an over 18 booked in and staying in the room aswell
Premier inn will accept them at 16 but need to book 2 rooms which they can't afford so want to book one room and sneak 3rd girl in

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 28/01/2017 14:26

The one they are going to see isn't an online friend.
Bloody confusing though.
Op dd knows 2 from chats online met one time only.
One of these two knows the girl in Bangor. The mum of the girl aparantly is fine with these girls coming to hang out.
But they aren't staying at the house, they will be staying at a hotel. So of course the Bangor mum hasn't a problem. she won't be sorting out sleeping arrangements and possibly not feeding them.
And yes Bangor girl might not be happy with 2 random showing up.

bloodyteenagers · 28/01/2017 14:33

I am now really confused.
So basically none of them know each other?
The two friends know your dd from online apart from the one meet? But she knows them really well.
One of these two met a 'girl' online in Bangor and as never met? Yet her 'mum' is fine with everything. Using quotations because this may not be who you all think and so how the hell does anyone know 'mum' is real never mind the 'girl'

GobblersKnob · 28/01/2017 14:35

Cannot see a single reason to say no, I went on a coach trip to Amsterdam with a friend a few months before my 17th birthday Grin

SallyGinnamon · 28/01/2017 14:41

DS went to Poland for the week with friends at 16. But we did know flight details, airbnb place details and itinerary. You have to give them their wings.

Now at 17 he's going to be getting trains around the country alone to go to uni open days.

wineandtoastfortea · 28/01/2017 14:41

I'd let her go.

scottishdiem · 28/01/2017 14:45

How about a hostel instead. Different kind of place than a hotel. Used to looking after younger people. Younger people already there doing the same. Penrhyn Hostel maybe?

bummymummy77 · 28/01/2017 14:52

I'd let her. I'd been to Glastonbury and Reading festivals a few times on my own by the time I was 16. Grin

TheHobbitMum · 28/01/2017 14:54

She's old enough! She has a phone to call of she gets in trouble and you'll all know the routes etc she's then being met/staying with a parent too so they'll be supervised for the 4 days. I'd have no issue with my daughter and going