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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at sister and mother?

125 replies

DebussyHead · 27/01/2017 20:47

I'm abroad on long weekend with DH for a special occasion. Asked DM to have kids whilst we were away which she agreed to do as long as my sister helped out. Kids are 6 and 4. We left Wednesday night back Sunday. Kids have in school thurs and fri.
Find out that DSis invited a new man she met on tinder to dinner at my house on thurs night. They met 14 days ago and she really likes him. She never mentioned that he was coming or would be meeting my kids.

Just found out he stayed overnight too with my kids and mum in the house. DH is furious. He has told DM over Skype and there has been a big fall out. DM and DSis think they have done nothing wrong and we are overreacting. I don't know this man from Adam. AIBU?

OP posts:

KinkyAfro · 28/01/2017 14:24

What does it say scarddey I'm 43 and currently living at my mums.

scardeyy · 28/01/2017 14:36

Presuming there's no specific set of circumstances that led to it it says immature & lack of independence.

Iamastonished · 28/01/2017 14:52

I'm surprised at the posters who thinks it is OK for the OP's sister to bring a complete stranger back to the OP's house. I wouldn't want my sister to do that even if she was staying there on her own.

OH and I get to chose who comes into my house, not my sister, not anyone else.

gazingatthestars · 28/01/2017 14:54

The issue was should she be upset at her Mum and sister and I said no because she chose to leave them with them in the first place - presumable knowing that Mum didn't want to (op you've changed your story on this) and sister was irresponsibile ( still living at home and jobless at 30 and bringing home random guys kind of indicates this)

gazingatthestars · 28/01/2017 14:55

They are her kids - her responsibility

OurBlanche · 28/01/2017 15:18

You have said that before... and many have said you are being overly judgemental.

They/I disagree with you.

There is sod all wrong with taking a few days holiday without your kids. That you suggest there is just shows you like the martyrdom of always being The One!

Tough! Many parents choose to do exactly what OP has done. There is no judgement to be made!

And, as others have said, even without kids being involved, if my DSis used my home to shag an unknown bloke in my absence, without my knowledge, I would furious! It shows a total lack of respect!

gazingatthestars · 28/01/2017 15:19

Our - no not all - I just know my parents are elderly and my kids would be too much of a burden for them for more than one night. They just couldn't cope.
My in laws live abroad

Megatherium · 28/01/2017 15:24

gazing, where does it say that OP's mother didn't want to look after the children? I can't see that OP has changed her story on that at all.

gazingatthestars · 28/01/2017 15:29

She said she 'persuaded' her Mum who would only do it if her sister helped out too...

OurBlanche · 28/01/2017 15:31

That's your parents. Stop projecting your own life on to OPs predicament. They are not the same thing!

And OP said that her PILs would have but her mum and sister said they wanted to spend more time with the kids and the her mum wanted her sister there!

gazingatthestars · 28/01/2017 15:32

I don't get that sense st all! I got the sense her Mum didn't want the kids on her own (which she said) and that she was doing the op a favor (that she said)

expatinscotland · 28/01/2017 15:34

YANBU

OurBlanche · 28/01/2017 15:36

Have a read of the OPs posts, I quote, from page 4...

In fact my in laws offered to have kids but DM said no she wanted to look after them! She just likes my sis to come for the company and cos sis is unemployed and bored at parents house otherwise.

I didn't make it up!

gazingatthestars · 28/01/2017 16:34

Yes that's the changed story! exactly my point!

OurBlanche · 28/01/2017 16:51

Changed story? Or same story different words?

I think that's a matter of interpretation....

YouHadMeAtCake · 28/01/2017 17:23

Just a different opinion - isn't that what mn is for or are we all expected to say the same thing?

Yes it is gazing but that is not what you're doing, so goady it is then.

gazingatthestars · 28/01/2017 18:38

You had me - honestly I'm not goady.. why can't you understand I've just got a different opinion? You come across as narrow minded tbh!!

Mrskeats · 28/01/2017 18:53

OP of course yanbu. It was irresponsible of your sis.
Never trust her with your kids again.
Ignore the goady posters. You are entitled to go away.

Whatkindofdayhasitbeen · 28/01/2017 19:09

YADNBU OP. Even without the children there I wouldn't be happy having a stranger in my house without my knowledge

Gazing where does OP say she "persuaded" her mum? I can only see that she asked her

KinkyAfro · 28/01/2017 19:30

Some awfully judgemental people on this thread

gazingatthestars · 28/01/2017 19:34

What kind of - yes you are right I guess I did infer that from her Mum saying she'd only do it if sis came too rather than it be said

Your Mum clearly thinks this is your future bil op and is encouraging it. Maybe sue just wants to see your sister happy and set up like you.

Megatherium · 29/01/2017 01:19

She said she 'persuaded' her Mum who would only do it if her sister helped out too...

No, she clearly said she asked her Mum. And there is no element of changing her story on this. This isn't a matter of having a different opinion, it's a matter of having decided on a different set of facts from those the OP has actually given.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 29/01/2017 02:34

OK man coming over full stop, he should have gone to where your sister stays, your Dad should have swopped with your sister.

On the other hand I have plenty of family who all have lives of their own. Me & DH haven't been anywhere without the children since DS was born over a decade ago, not even a few hours.

So pick your battles wisely. Yes a stranger to you & to your family is unacceptable. At the same time the situation has been rectified. I wouldn't say it's ruined the whole trip.

If in the future you want time away for any reason, even for a meal, DSis & DMum might say sorry no, not how you acted last time. We were doing you a favour and were completely vilified, for a situation (they see) as unexpected.

How you deal with this when you get home is going to determine if they'll help again, so possibly say you were missing the children, you wouldn't have let DSis boyfriend stay over as you don't know him. But here's a thankyou for helping out we appreciate it.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 29/01/2017 02:47

Having a different opinion isn't goading, it's saying well in my eyes it's different. Please don't have a go at me as I agree DSis was rather sneaky, did DMum know too prior to his arrival?
From listening to friends, if you leave your DC's in someone else's care for your benefit, you can't always second guess what they're going to do. Your DSis obviously had this planned and should have said. But I'm guessing she knows you wouldn't be happy, so cross her off as a potential carer, it's in my mind on the other hand they were open with you about it.
It's not like you came home with DC's saying we met Uncle Andy and he was very nice. Would you rather transparency from DMum / DSis or the latter?
I honestly think it's something you have to be wary about when leaving DC's with others. They'll do things their way, whether it's treats like chocolate, later bed times or other stuff you don't agree with. Do you set ground rules? Ok thanks for letting us do this but just so you're aware this is a list of do's and dont's.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 29/01/2017 02:55

As children we had many people babysit with girlfriends / boyfriends who weren't fully known. In those days it was seen as, if we want to go out or go away we should be rather grateful.
I've even babysat for people when I was a teenager, I was recommended through their friends, they didn't know me at all.
I think it's harsh for other MN's to say OMG he's now got your bank details, has sniffed your knickers and may have stolen your prized antiques. When did we become so cynical about the world and people who inhabit it?
Yes times are different now, but it still doesn't make every person you don't know a paedophile, thief, identity cloner. What is the world coming to?
This isn't aimed at the OP but those putting more worries in her head.

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