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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at sister and mother?

125 replies

DebussyHead · 27/01/2017 20:47

I'm abroad on long weekend with DH for a special occasion. Asked DM to have kids whilst we were away which she agreed to do as long as my sister helped out. Kids are 6 and 4. We left Wednesday night back Sunday. Kids have in school thurs and fri.
Find out that DSis invited a new man she met on tinder to dinner at my house on thurs night. They met 14 days ago and she really likes him. She never mentioned that he was coming or would be meeting my kids.

Just found out he stayed overnight too with my kids and mum in the house. DH is furious. He has told DM over Skype and there has been a big fall out. DM and DSis think they have done nothing wrong and we are overreacting. I don't know this man from Adam. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
DebussyHead · 27/01/2017 21:20

Dad wasn't there (they have a farm and animals to tend to so can't stay over hence why DSis was asked by DM to help) and he was oblivious to the plans. Interesting challenge about if was a brother bringing a gf over. I think yes still a stranger in my house near my kids.

OP posts:
Greenfingeredfun · 27/01/2017 21:23

Just seen it was at your house.. thought your children were staying at your Mum and Dads. That is very disrespectful!

DeathStare · 27/01/2017 21:24

But if you had a brother whose new girlfriend stayed over...? Would that be okay?

I'm not sure you can call someone you met on tinder 14 days ago a boyfriend/girlfriend. But anyway..... it would be equally not ok for me.whether it was brother bringing a woman home, a sister bringing a man home, a brother bringing a man home, or a sister bringing a woman home.

A stranger being invited into my home, where my children were, when I wasn't there and without my permission would be equally not OK regardless of the respective genders of the inviter and invitee.

EweAreHere · 27/01/2017 21:30

I would be cross whether it was a man or woman staying the night in the house with my impressionable 6 and 4 year olds. She's know the guy for 2 weeks! He is essentially, a stranger. They are not in a relationship. She knows nothing about him.

If she just wanted to have sex with him, they should have waited until the children had gone home or gone elsewhere.

Slimmingsnake · 27/01/2017 21:31

Bloody hell...what if he's nicked stuff...like bank statements or jewelry..or looked in yr nickers draw...never mind the fact he could be dangerous,or mentally ill,or not who he says he is,because she's only known him 2 weeks..and yr kids are there with him....wow

diddl · 27/01/2017 21:34

I think that it would have been completely wrong to ask anyone to stay as it is your house.

Would he have been allowed to stay over at your parents house?

kateandme · 27/01/2017 21:35

nope tell them they are wrong.it is your kids your rules.and they are unacceptable to think this is ok.and then to keep thinking its ok once you tell them you don't find it so.

eddiemairswife · 27/01/2017 21:45

I really can't understand the fuss. Your children haven't been left alone for hours in the care of a strange man. You need to calm down a bit.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/01/2017 21:48

I'd be incandescent.

icyfront · 27/01/2017 21:53

Completely unacceptable.

In the navy and detonates mortars - not sure I'd believe that, especially with the inability to defrost a windshield. Military personnel who get to deal with ordnance usually have to demonstrate a degree of commonsense at least. Which this guy hasn't. Watch out for the revelation that he's actually in the Special Boat Service!

Thank goodness your father is there. Your mother and sister have shown that they're untrustworthy. It's horrible to realise that those you think you could safely leave your children with, have turned out to not have their safety as their prime concern.

And, yes, I do think there's a difference between a boyfriend of two weeks versus a girlfriend of two weeks. At a minimum, there's an imbalance of physical strength.

lionsleepstonight · 27/01/2017 21:55

I'd be furious too. Totally unacceptable. I'd also be worried for your sister going off with him too! He's a stranger!

GabsAlot · 27/01/2017 22:15

in your house no way-how dare your dm say he could stay over!

u dont know this person nor do they and they let him stay?

Pallisers · 27/01/2017 22:16

Completely unacceptable. I'd be furious.

Years ago when my children were about 4,5, 8 my MIL came to visit us (we live in another country). She is fab. BIL - a young 20-something at the time, also living in our country, came up to stay with us to see his mother. DH was away for a few days for work.

I got up one Saturday morning and came downstairs for coffee in my dressing gown. MIL was there and she said "oh Pallisers, you know BIL went out last night, well his friend missed the bus home so he brought him home to sleep". She was clearly uncomfortable with what he had done and in fairness to her told me immediately. I had never met this man before. I suppose BIL knew him but he knew him as a going out buddy nothing serious (but way more than your SIL knew her guy).

I was furious. Didn't say anything to them though. Told dh and when he came back he had a serious chat with BIL. I was really upset at the idea of a stranger I had never met sleeping without my knowledge in a room next to my children. Really upset. At least I was there though. You are right to be angry.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/01/2017 22:32

So your sister treated your HOME as her knocking-shop, and your mum's OK with that Shock? I assume your sister was desperate for a shag, what's your mother's excuse?

Gabilan · 27/01/2017 22:37

never mind the fact he could be dangerous, or mentally ill, or not who he says he is

What on earth has being mentally ill got to do with it ffs? 1 in 4 people in the UK experience depression. It doesn't make them dangerous to small children.

gazingatthestars · 27/01/2017 22:40

I have to say i have a different opinion - you went away leaving your kids for 5 days - putting your needs above your kids but then expected your mum and sister not to put their needs first. You massively imposed on them - they shoukd be allowed to live their lives too. Next time stay at home and watch your own kids and then this wouldn't happen

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/01/2017 22:50

Oh dear ! I would say clueless on their part but don't have a war over it

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/01/2017 22:53

It's interesting how fast we assume that a stranger equals danger - not that's that's wrong by the way but the almost unanimous cons sis that he could have been a serial killer is interesting ..... and says a lot

icyfront · 27/01/2017 23:15

gasingatthestars - The OP went away believing that her children would be well looked after. That's not a "massive imposition". She believed that her mother and sister would, for that brief time, put the children's needs first. If the OP had had the slightest clue that her mother and sister would have allowed an almost stranger into the house, she wouldn't have gone away. I really can't believe how you cannot see the issue and are instead blaming the OP.

stopfucking - I don't see assumptions that this man could be a "serial killer". What I see is that a stranger (two weeks!) sleeping overnight in a home with young children when nothing is really known about him.

scottishdiem · 27/01/2017 23:20

She used your house for a booty call. Did she change the sheets? I would be bloody outraged at that when it was supposed to be some nice family time.

Pallisers · 27/01/2017 23:49

you went away leaving your kids for 5 days - putting your needs above your kids

Yes OP, you selfish woman. How dare you actually go away and expect the people who said they would mind the children to do so. No matter what they do it is your fault because YOU PUT YOUR NEEDS ABOVE YOUR KIDS you jezebel.

Can't imagine how exhausting it must be to actually think like this.

I knew that the man my BIL brought home was probably grand. Didn't think he was a murderer or a child molester. But of course I had no real idea at all as I had never met him before in my life and he was now sleeping in a bedroom down the hall from me.

I don't actually let random strangers into my home and I kind of expect the people who are minding my children in my home to do the same.

redexpat · 27/01/2017 23:58

I like the term knocking shop. Not heard that one before.

YA so NBU. Lack of judgement is astounding.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 28/01/2017 00:05

In YOUR house, on top of it all? Angry I'd be raging.

YouHadMeAtCake · 28/01/2017 00:20

YADNBU and I would also be livid. How dare she, in your house too. He could have been dangerous. I'm sorry OP. You've every right to be outraged.

Megatherium · 28/01/2017 00:21

Apparently his windscreen was frosted up so my mum said he should just stay over.

What on earth? Tell your sister that if he's too dim to work out how to deal with a frosted windscreen, he's too dim to have a relationship with.

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