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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed at DP for going on a ski trip when I am ill, knackered and have a baby that wakes to feed all night?

33 replies

SaveMeTheWaltz · 27/01/2017 14:39

DP has just left for a five day ski trip and I am fuming. We have an eight month old baby who still wakes to feed every 2-3 hours; this has been going on several months and I am close to cracking point. DP has already been working away from home for most of January, so I have been in sole charge of schlepping baby to nursery and four year old DD to school, doing a full day's work, collecting kids again, tea bath bed, feed all night, up at six and repeat the whole damn thing ad infinitum.
I know that I am being a little bit unreasonable, as usually DP is very hands on and care of the children is normally split equally (him working away from home is a new thing), but this month has been a very hard one and it would have been nice if he had felt able to forgo his annual ski trip this one year and let me get a little more sleep.

OP posts:

Hellmouth · 27/01/2017 14:41

Well ... how far ahead did he plan and pay for everything?

HeyMacWey · 27/01/2017 14:46

Yanbu - it wouldn't do any harm for him to have missed a year.

Does he know exactly how hard it's been this month?

Is the working away from home thing going to be long term? Perhaps some discussion about what you need to be able to facilitate this change in his job situation would be useful - ie changing your hours? Outsourcing as much of the grunt work as you can?

purplefizz26 · 27/01/2017 14:47

If it's been planned for months then YABU, can't be helped, tell him when he returns you want some peace and time for yourself. It's shit but it's only 5 days, when he gets back you take a back seat for a few days.

If he has only booked it very recently and knew you were struggling when he booked it, then he is being unreasonable and I would be booking a spa weekend to start the day he got home

samG76 · 27/01/2017 14:47

Skiers do need their fix. Can you take an equivalent trip away yourself?

Trooperslane · 27/01/2017 14:49

Also thinking it's probably been booked for ages.

You do get the equivalent time back though!

WineIsMyMainVice · 27/01/2017 14:52

I feel for you. Yanbu.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 27/01/2017 15:04

Oh no that does sound shit but he's gone now. Have yourself the most simple of weekends, easy lazy meals will be fine.
Don't be cross, it's a waste of energy and it's not going to change anything.
Plan for a big chat when he's home, tell him exactly how exhausted you are and tell him you need a rest.

Givemestrength12 · 27/01/2017 20:41

He's mean, I'd be seething....

maisybobbins · 27/01/2017 20:44

I'd happily wave him goodbye on his trip and immediately find out which girls fancy a weekend at a spa / skiing / London / center parcs... you both deserve the break. Well you more obviously - get planning! The little ones will be fine without you for a weekend. DH can enjoy some special bonding time with his children too... ha!

SparkleShinyGlitter · 27/01/2017 20:44

If it's been booked for months and as you say he is a hands on dad generally I wouldn't expect him to cancel tbh.
When it was booked he wasn't to know you'd be ill and tired

If he booked it last week then I guess it's a bit different

throwingpebbles · 27/01/2017 20:47

That's what my exH did. Emphasis on ex

limitedperiodonly · 27/01/2017 20:48

YANBU. I don't care how long ago it was booked. Things change. He should have cancelled. I notice a spa weekend has been mentioned as a retaliatory strike. Good fucking grief.

MummyToThree479 · 27/01/2017 20:48

When was it booked? If it's been booked months I wouldn't expect him to cancel and him going wouldn't bother me

I am booked for a week in Rhodes with the girls in August and if dh had a virus or was tired I would still go as it's been booked 10 months!

FurryGiraffe · 27/01/2017 20:48

Umm, if the baby is feeding several times a night the OP is hardly in a position to bugger off for the weekend, is she?

OP, I feel for you. Also have an 8 month old who's up a lot and I'm bloody exhausted. If DH told me he was sodding off for 5 days he'd probably find the locks had changed when he got back.

Pinkheart5915 · 27/01/2017 20:50

Unless he only booked it last week I wouldn't expect him to cancel, just in the same way dh wouldn't expect me to cancel if he was ill or tired.

trixymalixy · 27/01/2017 20:51

Hmmm, I understand your point of view as it can be hideous not getting any sleep.

If he booked it without consulting you then yanbu, however if he booked it with your blessing then yabu.

You are owed big time when he gets back. Hand the baby to him and go for a sleep.

lk26 · 27/01/2017 20:53

Mine buggered off on a skiing holiday for a week when our baby was 6 weeks old.

Mrsrochesterscat · 27/01/2017 20:59

I think with a baby not sleeping, a school run and working full-time is the sort of occasion where part of the deal of DH going on holiday is for him to organise a temporary nanny/home help.

mambono5 · 27/01/2017 21:00

As above, it depends when it was booked. In real life, not everybody is keen on losing the price of a flight + rental + possibly ski pass if already paid for. Travel insurance doesn't cover a tired partner (sorry OP, I don't mean to imply you are unreasonable, sleep deprivation is hell, people don't understand until they go through it).

If he booked the whole lot last week, you need to have a serious chat.

You both need to book a few days off at the same time when he is back. You can feed the baby, but at least give him the rest to do. If you are waken up every 2 or 3 hours but still manage to hold a full time job and a toddler, you are doing an amazing job.

2rebecca · 27/01/2017 21:00

Insufficient info to say if he's unreasonable or not.
If you agree to the trip months ago it's too late to moan now as the baby isn't an unexpected thing. ? Discuss sleep training with the health visitor as baby shouldn't "need" 2-3 hourly feeds at 8 months

Kleinzeit · 27/01/2017 21:04

If it's been booked for a long time... and he goes every year... and he's generally a hands-on Dad... then I'd say OK he goes this year as well... BUT now he owes you, big time.

He owes you some rest as soon as he gets back AND a trip of your own or other major fun event/treat whenever you are ready and want it.

NavyandWhite · 27/01/2017 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishdiem · 27/01/2017 23:36

Did you actually ask him not to go? If this was booked before the working away from home thing started do either of you stop to consider this trip back then?

I would say you are being unreasonable if you have just assumed he wouldnt go or have only decided now after he has gone that its a bad thing. He probably booked it after the child was born 8 months ago - did you attempt to stop him then? When the work changes come up before being implemented, did you ask him to stop the trip then? If you did and he still went then he is a mighty arse. If you have let him go despite all of this then it is on your own head.

You should book time away when he is not away from home to get some rest though and then you should be speaking about next Jan.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/01/2017 23:53

When was it booked?

melj1213 · 28/01/2017 01:35

Another one here who would need to know when it was booked before I can actually decide if it's U or not, but seeing as it's an annual trip I would imagine it was all booked and arranged well in advance and so it would be U to want him to stay because you're a bit tired/under the weather.

If it was booked a short time ago and your DH wouldn't lose money (or at least be able to get most of it back) then YANBU ... if it was booked months ago and/or you would lose significant amounts of moeny if he cancelled at such short then YABU and he should go.

Yes it sucks that everything - him working away for a while, you feeling run down/exhausted - has come at once, and right before his annual trip, but that's not his fault any more than it is yours. You should let him go but you should also arrange to have some time to yourself when he comes back too, not just to make it "eaqual" but so that you can have some time to relax and get your energy back.

My friend and I have just booked tickets to go to London to see a show we've really wanted to see ... next February. If it got to this time next year and either of our DHs were feeling under the weather and wanted us to stay at home to watch the DCs because they were tired, they would be SOL because we're already counting down to it!

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